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Thursday, May 26, 2011

51

Which Knockoff American Girl Doll Are You?

If you have a child but don't want to shell out the hundred dollars required for an American Girl Doll (thus denying him/her the opportunity to truly live), consider a Carpatina Doll, which is the same size, comes with trunkfuls of historical clothing and accessories, and costs between $69 and $89, depending on the elaborateness of its base outfit. Plus you can buy Carpatina boy dolls Adam and Carter.

[Silence.]

There are suits and knight outfits for Adam and Carter to wear, and although they don't come with historical books about them the way American Girl Dolls do, they do have character bios.

For instance,

Adam’s handsome, determined face speaks to his fiery spirit. Along with his sister Ana Ming and friend Carter, he travels to realms of fantasy on marvelous adventures. There the daring, impetuous dreamer of heroics becomes a hero. With light brown hair and hazel eyes, Adam has the classic good looks to capture hearts in any era.

Carter balances his love of books and history with an impressive prowess for sports. That mix of agile mind and body serves him well on magical quests with his friend Adam. Carter’s straightforward good looks reflect his honesty and intelligence. With dark brown hair and arresting blues eyes, he’s the image of quiet bravery.

You think you're a Carter, don't you?

There are also six girl dolls, like Julia, who's "too impatient to dress her hair," and thus "lets it flow down her back in long chestnut waves." And Zoe, who, "with gleaming long blonde hair, sapphire eyes, and rosebud lips," has "heard often enough that she should be a model." The best one to be, though, is Veronika, who's actually "a visitor to the past through the gift of a magic moonstone" and "is a vision as striking as any she witnesses." Speaking of magic moonstones, you can buy your own for $8, which seems like a lot until you read this non-erotic bit of potential erotica.

The dolls are also on Twitter.

51 Comments / Post A Comment

mouthalmighty

Terrifying.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

@mouthalmighty They look like the puppets Trey Parker and Matt Stone used in Team America: World Police.

backstagebethy

@mouthalmighty Erin? Oof. Her close up makes me think her head's just gonna keep spinning right around.

mouthalmighty

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood: OH! They totally do!

mouthalmighty

@backstagebethy: Yes. Also Veronika looks like the kind of doll that would cast an evil spell on you in your sleep.

Tragically Ludicrous

So, are they characters in self-insert anime fan fiction, or...?

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

Am I Erin by default because I have red hair?

KatnotCat

It's kind of awesome and maybe secretly progressive (or an oversight) that they suggest Adam and Carter can borrow clothes and shoes from the American Girl dolls.

Lily Rowan

@KatnotCat Also progressive? is the part where Adam's sister is Ana Ming.

DoctorDisaster

@KatnotCat I also noticed that. I must admit, the set of these boys' features does imply a sort of ineffable "It's mine now, bitch!"

Mihaela

@Lily Rowan Ana Ming is adopted from China

antarcticastartshere

I wish I could remember the brand of the knockoff American Girl doll I had. I don't think it was really cheaper though? And I actually wanted it more because the whole "theme" of the doll series was a group of friends who could travel to magical fantasy lands because of something; so you know, magic, and I was all about escapism. And when you got the doll you got a little fake-gold key necklace because the key was important to the magic?

I might have been the only girl who bought this doll. I got the one with brown hair because I had brown hair.

wee_ramekin

@antarcticastartshere You are not alone! I did not buy these dolls, but I remember them. They were the Magic Attic Dolls!!

antarcticastartshere

@wee_ramekin OMG YES YOU ARE CORRECT!

I had this dress: http://www.justmagicdolls.com/meet/mac/heather.htm

fleurdelivre

@antarcticastartshere Yes! Before I got my American Girl doll, I would drool over the Magic Attic catalog just as much! I had a plan to save my spare change to buy one, but then the ice cream truck drove through my neighborhood and wiped me out?

LolaLooksFrench

@wee_ramekin Ahhh yes! I loved those bitches!

knucklefish

@antarcticastartshere I was just talking about the Magic Attic Club with someone! I believe the source of the magic stemmed from going to a friendly neighbor lady's attic, putting on costumes and looking in the mirror.

Although the books were much suckier than American Girl, they had the advantage of traveling through time and to other dimensions and shit. My personal favorite was the girl who becomes an Olympic figure skater.

dinos

Doll-rotica: "The Tower of the Moon is not a place easily found," agreed Ahmal. "At least not until the time is right. But now that you are here, will you step inside? There is no better time to see the tower than by full moonlight."

OhMyGoshYouGuys

Reading the description, calling it "wig hair" seems redundant. And why are their eyes so dead? I can't stop picturing little knives in their hands.

queensissy

@Mere

I usually count on Sasha Dolls for all my dead-eyed doll needs.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@queensissy I had to google Sasha Dolls. Wish I hadn't...

queensissy

@Mere

Right?

Katie Heaney

Haha, I like how in books it's always the girls who are "too impatient to dress [their] hair" but then have hair that "flow[s] down [their] back[s] in long chestnut waves." That doesn't happen IRL.

Jolly Farton

This is exactly the type of gritty expose of the underground doll world that Hello Giggles wouldn't dare touch.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

Which one(s) don't shave their body hair?

DoctorDisaster

@Butterscotch Stalin Did you not read the bit about borrowing clothes from the American Girls?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@DoctorDisaster I'm not totally sure what you mean... Do people even get crabs anymore?

DoctorDisaster

@Butterscotch Stalin Meaning I'm pretty sure both these guys are quite adept at body hair removal. Also certain tucking and stuffing procedures? Big fans of that Shania Twain song!

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@DoctorDisaster Ugh, I was talking across the whole line, but you had to go and be all stereotype-y and heteronormative and stuff

I'm also not all that familiar with Shania's oeuvre, so

parallel-lines

Adam and Carter look like doll versions of dudes you'd meet in Murray Hill. Are they gonna ask my Kirsten doll if she wants to play beer pong?

Katie Walsh

WHO WRITES THESE DOLL BIOS?!?!

Can you interview them?

DrFeelGood

@Katie Walsh For serious, it's like reading a romance novel, sans bodice ripping and throbbing members.

DrFeelGood

Oh if only these had been around when I was little. My Felicity and Molly dolls would have rocked the shit out of the "Asian dynasties collection" dresses.

Peteykins

Yikes, is anybody else getting an "American Psycho" vibe from Adam?

punkahontas

Adam and Carter have man heads on little boy bodies!

Hot mayonnaise

Adam and Carter are 33 and 37, respectively, have puppies, and enjoy striking up converstations with American Girls on the neighborhood playground.

wallsdonotfall

Carter would make a good Vulcan, though.

City_Dater

@wallsdonotfall

Carter IS a child version of Leonard Nimoy. No question.

applestoapples

My boss is wearing the exact same outfit and hairstyle as Adam RIGHT NOW, but Adam's eyes aren't as dead. I am sending him this photo.

cuminafterall

Their heads remind me of those pre-Renaissance Madonna and child paintings where the baby Jesus looked like a slightly disgruntled old man.

gadfly

Um, I think I dress more like Carter than any of the other dolls...

cbrownson

Adam is actually the doll version of Bruce Jenner.

JoanTition

Mama needs a magic moonstone, stat.

RK Fire

The boy dolls look like a literal interpretation of "man child"--adult face, child proportions.

Banana dance

I made an account just to comment on the creepy erotic story about the moonstone... that reads like a nora roberts....

rosalind

"Adam left Goldman two years ago to join a hedge fund invested largely in mountaintop mining and cancer. His hobbies include bottle service, planking, and midlevel domestic violence." "Carter's unpublished novel now occupies two desk drawers at his mother's. McCann was totally bullshit to let him go, but whatever, his Big Buck Hunter score at the Turkey's Nest is unbeaten."

clipse

They look like Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock. Baby Star Trek anyone?

angrybirds

The best one to be, though, is Veronika, who's actually "a visitor to the past through the gift of a magic moonstone" and "is a vision as striking as any she witnesses."instagram buy real followers

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