What ABC’s 1997 – 1999 "TGIF" Lineup Can Teach Us About Men

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

A hard-hitting look at adolescent necromancy in America, the show stars Melissa-Joan Hart as eponymous teen hag Sabrina Spellman. In a weirdly Dickensian twist, her neglectful parents left her with two aunts (one a strong, positive role model, the other a barely functional Caroline Rhea) and an animatronic cat who always managed to sound like he was in the middle of breaking Megan’s Law.

Harvey Kinkle, a clueless floppy-haired space cadet, is the object of Sabrina’s affections beginning in Season One. When he learns in Season Five that his longtime off-and-on girlfriend was a witch, he freaks out and bails. Crushed, Sabrina eventually moves on, gets a barista job at the local coffee shop, Been There, Brewed That, and develops a mutual crush on the manager, Josh. At which point we learn lesson number one: Just when someone else (in this case, TGIF’s snaggle-toothed answer to Dean Winters) emotionally “puts a ring on it,” that one dude who took a carbon steel hammer to your heart will call you on your enormous house phone and say a bunch of confusing, passive-aggressive things like “I’m in a much better place for… I mean, whatever” and “Okay, uh… I said what I needed to say, so…”

In the seventh and final season, Sabrina is about to marry a different Ken doll, Aaron, but at the last minute runs off with Harvey on his motorcycle. The dulcet tones of “Runnin” by No Doubt almost drown any ethical questions we may have, like “Will Ken Doll Aaron ever be able to trust again?” or “Is this a destructive choice because people don’t change, not really?” or “Jesus, that cat really does sound like a pedophile.”

Full House

Thanks to Full House everyone who came of age in the ‘90s expects their "Aha!" moments to be accompanied by the Harpsichord of Learning. Three dudes living together in a house in San Francisco might sound more appropriate for the LOGO channel, but John Stamos, Dave Coulier, and Bob Saget were just trying to make a good life for the three blonde moppets (Jodie Sweeten, Candace Cameron, and Tia and Tamara Mowry) left behind by Saget’s widow. Her cause of death was never explicitly said, but we can all imagine what it’s like living with the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, so I’m gonna go with enthusiastic suicide. Full House didn’t have clever writing or exciting storylines, but it had that special something that appeals to us all: extra cheese.

John Stamos

There’s no point in beating around the bush; then and now, John Stamos is one fly-ass motherfucker. In terms of physical attraction, he cannot be beat, unless it’s by Rob Lowe, and even then it better be on Pay-Per-View, shirtless, with Ramona Singer's Pinot Grigio in my glass in order to determine a winner. In any case, Uncle Jesse had commitment issues and was a “bad boy” musician who played only Beach Boys covers. He eventually settled down with the equally attractive Aunt Becky, and they stayed in the attic of that Rorschach test of a house until they conceived gross twins. When they were courting, Aunt Becky was smart, sassy, and independent. Once he knocked her up, Aunt Becky drank the moral-seminar-spewing Kool Aid and was never cool again. And isn’t that the lesson here?  (CUE HARPSICHORD, DAMN IT!) Never change yourself for a man. Especially if that man shares a house with…

Dave Coulier

Despite the fact that Joey “The Ugly One” Gladstone (a frighteningly accurate precursor for Joey “The Ugly One” Fatone) was widely regarded as the loser of the three, more and more men follow his failed comedian man-child route, leaving the women of the world with no choice but to sleep with them. Joey didn’t have a lot of romantic options, because nobody wanted to see a man with a flair for speaking in a Popeye voice making the night moves. When he did, his romantic options were mostly weirdos with Bullwinkle fetishes. The biggest lesson we can be learned from Joey is that comedians in San Francisco have day jobs as nannies and live rent-free in the basement, and that if you expect more from them, you should “cut… it… out.”

Bob Saget

Neat-freak Danny Tanner had a lot of trouble with the ladies. A widower with three daughters and a self-righteous speech always ready in his back pocket, he wasn’t exactly a catch. He was mostly looking for mom stand-ins for the girls. Still, there’s something appealing about a man who seems so… good. Danny taught us that if you’re going to get involved with a man with three daughters, you can expect them to crash your dates and sabotage your relationship because you will never be as good as their dead mother.

(A fun side game is to see how many Olsen Twins movies and TV shows exist where they actually have both of their parents. Those latchkey kids were always missing at least one parental unit — it’s insane.)

Boy Meets World

The in-development title for this show was probably “White Middle-Class Suburban Boy Meets Minor And Usually Easily-Solvable Problems.” However, TGIF threw in some proletariat action via the broken-homed Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong). Shawn was cute because he wore leather jackets and his mom was dead. His dad was a drunk who eventually also died, on a Very Special Episode I had to make my mom tape thanks to an ill-timed 7th grade semiformal. (I had already found the crushed velvet shirt at Fashion Bug that would surely transform me into the Hottest Shit In The Room.)

Below, Shawn drunkenly crashes the birthday party of his best friend Cory Matthews’ father at 1:45. Obligatory “You’re not my DAD, OKAY??!!!!111” dialogue occurs at 2:45.

Over the course of seven seasons Shawn got in trouble, got out of trouble, mourned his dad, struggled with alcoholism, found his birth mother, found his half brother Jack, swept his hair out of his eyes, sweated it out on the streets of a runaway American dream, etc. Contrast this with the milquetoast Cory Matthews (Ben Savage), with his perfect nuclear family and responsible use of contraceptives, who over the course of seven seasons mostly just aged weirdly.

Even at the tender age of 14, our Depressingly-Realistic-meters started wailing when Topanga gave up Yale to attend the fake Pennbrooke College with her longtime boyfriend Cory, who had become increasingly neurotic and insecure. We knew that one day when they’re 40 and Cory’s like, “Is this new coffee or something? Because it’s got little grains in it, hon, I feel like I’m drinking the grounds or something. Oh and can you make me another appointment with the podiatrist? My foot is still doing that weird thing,” in her head Topanga will be like “Cheese and crackers, I chose my choices WRONG.”

Nevertheless, Cory/Topanga “shippers” populate YouTube. Below, a “fan vid” set to that ‘90s song that goes “You and I collide, doo-dooooo-doo-doo, doo-dooooo-doo-doo.”

So there you have it — regret and boredom vs. Riding (Strong) through mansions of glory in suicide machines. Such is the battle of Cory vs. Shawn.

Two Of A Kind

Two of a Kind was on the winding down side of TGIF, a new vehicle for the Olsens to inspire jealousy from girls the world over who weren’t blonde, stylish, of broken homes, or twins. Yet another dead mother, so the professor dad (played by Broadway superstar Christopher Sieber) has to hire a babysitter. Lucky for him, free-spirited 26-year-old (so their inevitable hook up isn’t too creepy!) freshman Carrie comes into his life. Desperate for income and “fun” (she wears scarves) enough for the girls to love her, she was the tween dream babysitter. Over the course of the show’s one season, everyone knew Carrie and Professor Burke would eventually get their fuck on, even when Carrie brought a threateningly sexy homeless man to Christmas dinner.

I’ve always been into teachers. Man teachers, woman teachers, teachers of the high school geography variety, tennis instructors, and everything in between. So yes, Professor Burke was the dream man. However, he had two little brats to contend with and a busy generic “professor” career, so he was completely emotionally unavailable. Sure, he could catch a mean Frisbee and do science stuff, but much like all the men in my life, he couldn’t tell when he had a great woman right in front of him because he was too busy thinking about Space and The Environment. We learn from Professor Dad that sometimes you have to let it go and get on a plane for a South American summer sojourn.

Family Matters

One of the most insanely popular television shows to be broadcast on ABC on Friday nights starring a fat cop from Chicago, Family Matters is everything Fresh Prince and The Cosby Show are not. Namely, super weak. The heart of the show is Steven Urkel’s undying love for next-door neighbor Laura Winslow, who does everything in her power to avoid him. There are other characters too, like the sassy granny and the sensible mom, but let’s get down to brass tacks.

Stefan Urquelle

Now, this is what I’m talking about. Tired of being brutally rebuffed by Laura, Steve builds a machine to turn into the more sophisticated, suave version of himself who I guess had French parents. Stefan is well-dressed, polite, and can dance like the true man Steve could never be. At Laura’s insistence Stefan ultimately backs down to let Urkel take over again, but you know what? For a brief period she gets to date the coolest kid in school and is Frenched in front of everybody at a dance held in her living room. Dreams CAN come true.

Steve Urkel

Steve Urkel is what every girl fears. A guy you don’t like, have never liked, will never like, but find yourself settling for because Jill Zarin told you to marry someone who loves you more than you love them. Steve Urkel isn’t even a cute geek or an affable dork. There is nothing remotely attractive about him. I mean it. Imagine Urkel fingering you. I’m so sorry. Laura ends up with Urkel in the end, which, for a show that featured robots and machines that turn you into cooler versions of yourself and The Urkel Dance, for Christ’s sake, is depressingly realistic. Beware the grating nerd who always seems to be hanging around, be cautious of the dweeb whose affections you entertain when feeling lonely. You’ll end up marrying him someday.

Teen Angel

If you meet a teen angel, fuck him.

Anna Breslaw has written for McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the New York Times, Gawker Media, Ology Media, and Heeb Magazine online. Danielle Gibson blogs at Nerve.com, and otherwise tries to maintain a secret internet identity.