Some Questions I Asked My Gynecologist
1. What do you mean when you say “lesion-y”?
2. How can I tell if I found a lump, or if I just forgot where my nipples
were?
3. Have you heard of that thing that’s like Rorschach blots, but with period stains?
4. Within the standard nine-month period, how many consecutive times can I get pregnant before my uterus reaches capacity?
5. Is there a huge difference between birth control pills and the chewable Flinstones vitamins I’ve been taking? No, right?
6. On a scale of 1-10, how symmetrical am I on the inside?
7. How much does vajazzling reduce your chances of a yeast infection?
8. How come everyone else gets laid more?
Previously: Things Facebook Has Suggested to Me Offline.
Arianna Stern wants to reenact the rose petal scene from American Beauty, but with seaweed snacks.
9. Don't you have anything other than new car scent?
10. Have you ever seen a light at the end of the tunnel, Doc?
True story: mine tried to set me up on a blind date once.
@parallel-lines A dating service based on the exact shape of your genitals? That's so crazy, it just might work! (No it wouldn't.)
@Arianna Stern She's such a nice lady, but it was like, "So are you seeing anyone? Am I the only one who's looked at this in a while? I know a nice guy you should meet…."
I wonder if she would offer to give recommendations to future dates?
@parallel-lines i was an oldish virgin (21), and once when i was at the gyno's he was doing his business, felt my hymen wall, and said to me: "HM. maybe you should try and have some fun sometimes."
@Arianna Stern long ago a stand up comedian routine i liked went something like….wouldn't it be better if our genitals had different shapes? so instead of that dating that juicebox for months/years before you realized he was terrible…turns out his penis was shaped like a star and your vag is more of a crescent moon shape…guess who's not soulmates?!
@blahstudent wow, really? i mean, really??
How about the horrid things they ask you, like "how many drinks do you have per week?" Or my personal favorite "what's wrong?" as she's about to ram a cold metal claw up me hoo-hah!
@shenannies I made the mistake of answering that "how many drinks" one honestly once. Never do that.
@Brunhilde Thank you for not making me feel like the only person who lies about this to her gyno.
@shenannies The answer is always two, regardless of who asks and the time frame involved. Doc asks per week? It's two. Cop asks how many that night after he pulls you over? It's two. ALWAYS TWO.
@smirkette everyone lies about….everyone!
@smirkette It was when I was running a bar, too. I drank less than *everybody* I knew, because I was the boss, so it didn't feel weird to shrug and say "I don't know, around 30, probably?"
Bitch sent me to get a liver and kidney panel and sent me home with a bunch of AA material.
How about the horrid things they ask you, like "how many drinks do you have per week?" Or my personal favorite "what's wrong?" as she's about to ram a cold metal claw up me hoo-hah!
I've always wanted to ask them why they chose to become gynecologists. Especially the men.
@nancydrew As someone who is in training to possibly be a gyno (I don't have to make that choice quite yet) it's a really interesting balance of being able to do a bit of everything in medicine. Your patients can tell you what's wrong (unlike kids)… they are usually pretty happy (unlike cancer patients) and you get to follow your patient all the way through (unlike ER docs)
Plus you get the added bonus of surgery.
I also was raised in a very pro-women, especially underserved women, and have been involved in sex education for a long time, so I think it is an important need and looking at vaginas all day is really different when you are approaching it looking for specific things… you have a job to do (and I too wonder how male OB/GYNs do it!!)
@whimsy That makes a lot of sense, and you sound like you would make an awesome gyno. We need more of you! I haven't been to a male gyno in years, but now I kind of want to so we can discuss this whole topic while I'm in the stirrups.
@whimsy I read that as 'undeserved women', and spent a little time thinking 'is this a feminist term with which I am not familiar? Like, "my husband doesn't deserve me, I am an UNDESERVED WOMAN!"?'
@whimsy You are awesome! I love going to my gyno – who, incidentally, is male – because it makes me feel all adult and proactive and stuff, which makes me panic less when I see billboards about how supergonorrhea is going to kill us all.
@nancydrew Me, too, particularly as my male OB/GYN is also gay. I find that endlessly fascinating. Also fascinating: He does the best pap/exam I've ever had (and I was a Planned Parenthood teen, which meant you saw a different doc every time you went and thus I saw PLENTY of different docs). Seriously, the best. I will never go to another gyno unless he screws me over and retires or something.
My sis was asked, "When was the last time you made love?"
"Never. But I had sex on Saturday."
@ejcsanfran +10 points to your sister.
@ejcsanfran bwaahaaa!! and she wins for best answer given to a doc…ever..he, on the other hand, loses for worst question asked to a patient…creepy quotient rises!
My gyno fainted after examining me. He said, "Sorry, I thought you were my dead sister. Your uterus is the spitting image."
Just kidding. I don't have a gyno.
I have yet to be to a gynecologist (teenagers!) but I can't imagine it's that much more awkward than going to a psychiatrist for the first time (teenagers!)
@Napoleon oooooh are YOU in for a treat! And yeah, my psychiatrist (who I dumped) made me feel much more uncomfortable than a gyno ever has.
@insouciantlover I can't say that. My therapist has made me CRY more often than my gyno, even tho my therapist has never installed an IUD for me. (one stop shopping: have sharp pointy things thrust into your cervix AND talk about your mommy issues!) But then my therapist has never had his hand inside me up to his elbow and decided to stand up and make small talk! 'so did you get anything nice for Christmas?" dude, sit back down, i do NOT want to see you right now!
Wait, Flintstones vitamins take care of everything, right? Right??
Everyone is getting laid more than me.
@Sunny P@twitter That is not true.
You know when you find a lump. Although you might have to send a 1 am text a to friend that reads "Help! Meet me in the bathroom. I need you to feel my boob!" … Maybe that was just me.
Some fun dialogue between me and gynecologists:
G: Have you had unprotected sex in the last few months?
Me: Yes
G: Why didn't you use a condom??
Me: It was with women.
G: Then you should have used a female condom! And I'm getting you an AIDS test right now!
Different gyno:
G: So are you gay or straight?
Me: Um…. (long silence) …neither?
G: How is that possible?
Me: I use the word queer.
G: That's a bad word.
Me: Uh…. [mumbles something about rejecting gender binaries...]
G: So are you GAY OR STRAIGHT?
Me: [sigh] Just put gay I guess.
@T.h.e.C.z.e.c.h.@twitter
Too bad you can't use a speculum to help open minds…
@T.h.e.C.z.e.c.h.@twitter convos like this are why i always go to planned parenthood now. when they asked me the gender of my last partner and i said "He was a trans guy." they weren't like OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS THE KIDS ARE TALKING ABOUT they were just like "okay. and anyone else?"
<3 Planned Parenthood
Q: Have you ever seen that movie "Teeth?"
A: Yes, actually…