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Friday, May 27, 2011

162

My Period Takes Me Shopping

Last week, out of nowhere, my period arrived at my apartment and insisted we go shopping. It showed up just as I was settling in for a hard day of studying, or pretending to study but actually Googling “recent UFO sightings – real.”

“LET’S GO SHOPIIINNNGGG!!!” my period screamed.

I grumbled but ultimately agreed, because I've come to accept that what my period wants, my period gets. (Except for making out with pirate Johnny Depp, rolling around in the sand with pirate Johnny Depp, and discovering buried treasure with pirate Johnny Depp — to pay for grad school!)

Together we headed to the mall. My period tried to steer me into Forever 21 because it’s a valueless skank who doesn’t care that their clothing is ripped off from independent designers or that their owners secretly paste Bible verses onto their bags. It was all, “You need some clothes for going out! Except you pretty much never go out because barely anyone likes you!” I redirected us to Express, which is another good place for purchases you'll come to regret within a week, unless you're presently a popular sixth-grader.

My period made me grab this totally trashy, silver-sequin-covered minidress. I tried to reason with it: “I'm too old to wear sequins. I'm an adult. I practically got an A in graduate-level statistics.” It gave me a stern look and said, “Maybe if you bought anything besides plaid button-down shirts, you'd find even ONE boy who'd want to date you.” So I said, “You're a bitch, and I hate you, and plenty of boys probably want to date me. Fine, I’ll try on the dress.”

Within 15 minutes, my period and I walked out of the store with the stretchy, sequin-y minidress and a set of heavy silver arm bangles. I never wear bracelets, but there you have it. My period told me I needed them, because it likes shiny crap. In that respect, it’s actually a lot like a raccoon. (See also: garbage-eating.)

I tried to leave the mall, but my period made me stop for a snack. I was like, “I’m not even hungry!” It sneered, “Doubtful. You're always hungry, and you know what’s delicious? Fried, salty pretzel dough, covered in cinnamon sugar. In stick form!” I was silent. I hated my period, but all of a sudden my asshole feet (ew!) marched me right over to Auntie Anne’s.

While I inhaled my pretzel sticks, my period said, “Wouldn’t you like to use your internet phone to look up pictures of your ex-boyfriend and his pretty new girlfriend? She’s prettier than you, you know. She is actually the most beautiful girl I have ever seen IRL.” I paused, pretzel stick in mouth, and took out my phone. I hesitated. “I've looked at these pictures a few (dozen) times already. What good is this going to do me now?” My period looked at me like I was a giant idiot and went, “Don’t you want to see if they’ve maybe broken up?” I sighed. It was right, of course, but they weren’t broken up, they were very much together, still, despite the fact that New Girlfriend is clearly stupid and has an untrustworthy look about her.

My period suggested that I throw my phone onto the mall floor. We compromised, and I sort of flung it softly six inches to my side, onto the bench. After glaring at it for a few seconds, I picked it up to check for scratches. My period rolled its eyes at my anal-retentiveness. “NOT appealing in a mate,” it whispered, but it knew I could hear.

I finally convinced my period that we should leave the mall. We walked to my car, hooked up my iPod, and turned on a playlist specially demanded by my period — a three-song rotation: “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Céline Dion, “If I Were a Boy” by Beyoncé, and “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. The Trifecta of Tears. Needless to say, it was going to be a pretty emotional drive. I headed home, but my period shouted, “Take the next exit! We’re going to Target.” I rolled my eyes; I should have seen this coming.

Once we were inside, my period lost its shit. “What should we get? I know! 13 Going on 30 on DVD! A tube top! A pack of Magic: The Gathering cards! Glitter!! TWENTY TUBES OF GLITTER!!!” We headed to the arts-and-crafts aisle, and I tried to be reasonable by picking up a package of black pens. My period made me throw them back, not even nicely, onto the hook. “Wouldn’t you like some wedding-themed stickers and scrapbooking paper, just in case?” it asked. I glared. “Haha JK! Come on. That was a good one. It’s funny because you're literally never getting married.” I clutched three packs of glitter-encrusted, hand-cutout wedding-themed stickers, and started to cry. “Ohhh, clean-up on aisle 12, right?! Waterworks!!!” My period laughed. But then, apparently, it had a change of heart. “Come on, let’s go get ice cream.”

Half an hour later, we were home. I sat on the couch, eating a Skinny Cow ice cream bar. It was by far the best thing my menstrual cycle (which is its full, legal name) had ever bought me. They’re 110 calories each, which is perfect, because my period and I agreed that I could have three, if I wanted.

Katie Heaney graduate-studies, writes, and blames her shopping on everyone/everything else in Minneapolis.

Picture via Flickr



162 Comments / Post A Comment

Katie Walsh

This is very wonderful and I LOLd a lot!

Last week my period took me to a Mexican restaurant for 2 glasses of Pinot Grigio and a public crying session with my mom.

Yankee Peach

@Katie Walsh My period prefers to scarf vast quantities of Chinese food while browsing the sale section of Nordstrom.com in one browser window and Facebook stalking my ex-boyfriend from freshman year in another while watching an SVU or Burn Notice marathon on cable. My period, it likes to multitask.

backstagebethy

I have a silver sequined dress (wow sequin is a great word) in my closet with the tags still on from when my period took me shopping six months ago. "On sale!" it said. "Perfect for holiday parties!" As if I have friends or go to parties. Jerk. I'm going to wear it next month just to be spiteful.

parallel-lines

What is it with periods and shopping? Mine is always like, "Hey, let's go get frosties and try on skinny jeans! You enjoy both of these things!" Yeah...separately and shamefully.

wee_ramekin

“Wouldn’t you like to use your internet phone to look up pictures of your ex-boyfriend and his pretty new girlfriend? She’s prettier than you, you know. She is actually the most beautiful girl I have ever seen IRL.”

I don't even need my period to be around for me to do this. Which is why I quit Facebook. Now the only thing my period can convince me to do is go through four the texts in my sad, tiny '<3' folder on my cellphone. Yes, there are only four. My period is such a bitch.

murdear

My period recently bought me the soundtrack for The Sound of Music and a CD from Sunny Day Real Estate. Such weird musical demands.

rayray

Ahhh how timely, I just remembered the existence of Skinny Cow ice cream today (without the help of my period, I'm really trying to do more things independently) and wasted about 45 minutes of time when I should have been working looking at their website and lamenting the fact that France hasn't invented low fat ice cream yet, and my period doesn't give a shit about fat and/or calorie content.
Also I bought a fur coat off ebay to cheer myself up one time, although I think this was less period-related than dickhead boyfriend-related. Cheered me up no end though and it's soooo warmmmm.

jackietgregory

Mine buys me the worst perfume but the BEST chocolates.

batgirl

My period only takes me shopping at the bulk store for chocolate covered jubejubes. On the way home, it insists that I stop at the convenient store for multiple bags of doritos. I wish it made me by pretty sequined dresses. Then maybe I wouldn't be so horribly alone and drowning in doritos. In case you haven't noticed, my period is also writing this comment.

curryspice

@batgirl My period didn't know about chocolate covered jubejubes.....UNTIL NOW!

batgirl

@curryspice Welcome to the dark side!

hotdog

this was intensely enojoyable.

fleurdelivre

BAHAHAHAHA!

"TWENTY TUBES OF GLITTER!!!”

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Serafina

@fleurdelivre I'm actually picturing this entire comment as a quote from my period..

Allison Davis

This is wonderful and fantastic.

Eden

Sadly, my period and I can rarely afford to shop, so we just look at a bunch of things we can't afford online, get depressed and go drink a beer.

I do, however, love the occasions when my period decides "OMG, we have to clean EVERYTHING IN SIGHT RIGHT NOW." I wish that happened every month.

no way

@Eden CLEANING! That's what my period makes me do too. And organizing. It also makes me run into door jams, coffee tables, corners of car doors, etc.

auxamandes

@Eden ah me too! i get these migraines that are not really painful so much as make me completely out of it...clumsy and falling over myself, suddenly have alzheimer's-like trouble with recalling names and words, and just overall am a mess. HORMONES!! and yes to organizing which i usually detest.

cuminafterall

@Eden Oh yes, cleaning! My period makes me scrub the toilet bowl with a Clorox Cleanup wipe in my bare hands while sobbing uncontrollably. Actually it's not as much fun as it sounds.

brooke

My period always wants to go shopping and then gets depressed bc my body is kinda bloated and things just look like crap on me.

acameo

@brooke my period loves to do that too. usually with clothes that wouldn't look good on me in the first place, but then it talks me into trying them on because "maybe this time they will!!". nooope.

scully

I sense a hollywood chick flick opportunity! Who would play the period? Kate Hudson seems to have the lock-down on bitchy frenemy roles, but my money is more on Katherine Heigl.

Katie Heaney

@scully A) OMG I love you and your name and your icon and B) can it be Kate Hudson? GOD IT IS DEFINITELY KATE HUDSON UGH

fierce_pierce

@Katie Heaney @scully Rose Byrne did a pretty bang-up job in Bridesmaids. She would make a GREAT period. "No, I look pretty. I always look pretty."

tee
tee

@scully I HATE KATHERINE HEIGL

Caitlin Podiak

@scully Katherine Heigl's teeth are kind of pointy and vampire-ish, so that seems thematically appropriate? I'm picturing her with crimson lipstick?

kefuoe

@scully My period would need to be played by Wanda Sykes- doesn't tolerate nonsense and impeccable timing.

caitiekl

This is exactly what I do (but better articulated!) Ahh so good!

Barracuda

My period gets me cleaning things, sorting things, and sometimes burning things that take up too much space. o_O

tea tray in the sky.

@Barracuda Mine makes me feel overwhelmed by all my stuff so I purge all my clothes, then it makes points out how much SPACE I have now and uses this as an excuse to go shop for new clothes.

sarahchristine

Katie Heaney I would like to subscribe to your newsletter! This is great.

mouthalmighty

My period likes to take me online shopping, from my couch, because hell-to-the-no on moving, but it also likes GLITTER!!! so I sympathize.

(P.S. This was amazing.)

alpelican

It's taken me over fifteen years to get that Celine Dion song out of my head, and now it's back. THANKS A LOT.

but seriously, I really enjoyed this.

ejcsanfran

@alpelican: In other words, the song is all coming back to you now.

Katie Heaney

@ejcsanfran HAHAHA perfect.

alpelican

@ejcsanfran there were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light! there were things we'd never do again but then they'd always seemed right!

D@twitter

@alpelican THERE WERE NIGHTS OF ENNNNDLESS PLEAAASUREEE

wee_ramekin

@D@twitter IT WAS MORE THAN ANY LAWS ALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!! *so ashamed*

Horseback.beggar

@alpelican Does anyone else remember Donna Lewis? OMG, she is my period's chosen diva. Except most divas hang onto some sort of celebrity with a death grip, and she just faded away (sigh).

SouthernSmirk

@wee_ramekin Oh LOL - I always sang it, "it was more than all your lousy love!" Any laws allow actually makes so much more sense.

beatrice

@alpelican that Celine Dion song is the only Celine Dion song I have on my iPod and it is literally used for the exact same purpose that Katie uses it.

rivetingrosie

This sounds like me every day since my boyfriend broke up with me. I spent $200 I do not have at Urban Outfitters. I have to return more than half of what I bought.

Radio_LJ

My period made me cry when I read this and then made me create an account so I could comment.
p.s. It also made me spend nearly the entire day FB-stalking my ex who just broke up with his fiancee.

Nutellaface

My period just murdered my boyfriend because he asked what I wanted to make for dinner tonight.

dabbyfanny

@Nutellaface Mine muredered my boyfriend because he asked, very tentatively, if maybe I was having my period, after she'd been a total bitch to him all day.

vivian darkbloom

This kind of makes me jealous that I don't have periods! Impulse shopping is fun. When I got my IUD it threw my hormones so out of whack that all I did was glare at people, cry in my car in parking lots, and color in a powerpuff girls coloring book like an enraged first grader for about a week.

jacqueline
jacqueline

I think your period and my period are related to each other.

Katie Heaney

@jacqueline I think ALL our periods are related to each other! Judging from the comments I maybe could have just written a story that went: "Periods, amirite?!?!?!?"

jackietgregory

@Katie Heaney But you don't write for Hello Giggles!

jacqueline
jacqueline

@Katie Heaney "Don't get me started, ladies... don't EVEN get me started!"

sarah girl

My period just demands Snickers bars, all the time. Also, that I cry at EVERYTHING, including Delilah on the radio. Oh god, Delilah...

JustAPaperBag

My period made me buy 3 giant lanterns from Pier 1 to fill a spot in my built ins, and then when my bank sent me my balance the next morning, my period made me get out of bed and start cleaning everything while crying. Then my period would not let me sleep last night and made me eat french fries for breakfast. We both just want to go back to sleep right now.

JoanTition

My period is such a bitch- she makes it impossible for me to get drunk and then pokes and prods me until I stalk my boyfriend's ex-wife on facebook....but then we kind of make up and hold hands and cry because we're both jealous of the ex's awesome [seeming!??!?] life.

JoanTition

@JoanTition oh and sometimes it wants a baby which is fucking ANNOYING.

Maria

@JoanTition Period's zero reaction to alcohol! Always annoyed me.

JoanTition

@Maria SERIOUSLY. It knows just how to make my life that much more intolerable. Way to be, period, way. to. be.

ughwhocares

My period demands pizza and wine, in that order. Obviously my period wants to torment me because who wants to be doubly bloated and putz around with a fucking tampon string twice as often as one normally would in a night?

hearththr

this. I loved this!

jennie

My period sent me straight to starbucks after lunch for not one but all three of the cake pop varieties they are currently selling. Don't look at me that way, hipster barista, I'm buying these for my friends...

Jen Nifer

my period made me cry when i read this. OH THE SISTERHOOD!

Edgar Allan Bro

This morning my period made me cry on the train to both "Teenage Dream" and a Lifehouse song. THANKS!

PS don't ask why I have both of those on my ipod

beeline96

@Edgar Allan Bro We don't judge here. Teenage Dream made me cry once, too, maybe because it brought me back to my unfulfilled teenage dreams. I can blame it on a break-up but not necessarily my period. Mehhhh.

wee_ramekin

@Edgar Allan Bro If the Lifehouse song is "Hanging By A Moment", then don't even bother to be ashamed. The second I hear those pseudo-didgeridoo noises in the opening stanzas, I get misty in the eye even when I'm not perioding. Oh high school.

Tammy Pajamas

On Tuesday, my Ghost of Period Future made me go home, pound a beer, smoke some pot, and scarf down two enormous slices of Two Boots, even though I have a tomato sensitivity.

likethestore

My period made me eat an entire bag of mini Reese peanut butter cups yesterday in one sitting (try them, they're amazing).

fierce_pierce

@likethestore I'M GOING TO HAVE TO USE CAPS LOCKS BUT DID YOU KNOW THEY MAKE THE DARK CHOCOLATE ONES IN MINIATURE SIZE AS WELL.

GreenTea

@fierce_pierce The caps made me laugh. Like, THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

likethestore

@fierce_pierce I DID NOT EVEN KNOW DARK CHOCOLATE REESE'S EXISTED! But I am in the wild north (Canada) and things are different here.

fierce_pierce

@likethestore IT BARELY EXISTS. You must harness your inner Diana Hunter Goddess to find it. Tracking, sniffing, et cetera, in the candy aisle. When I do find it I buy, um, a lot.

@GreenTea PEANUT BUTTER AND DARK CHOCOLATE INFORMATION ALWAYS WARRANTS CAPS LOCKS.

nomorecheese

@fierce_pierce OMGOMGOMGOMG

GreenTea

What's with all these commenters with periods that make them do productive things? Uh, Netflix and entire pints of Ben & Jerry's, please.

loudmouthedgirl

@GreenTea Seriously. I cringe at the thought of cleaning even when not being ravaged by hormones. My period also makes me consume entire pints of ice cream, Haagen Dazs for preference, cry watching terrible chick flicks, and then hate myself for crying over such utter garbage. ack.

JustAPaperBag

@GreenTea We don't want to do it. We are compelled to do it. I usually clean a room while holding my abdomen, and then crawl back to my couch and take a nap. I cannot be in a prone position enough. The compulsion to clean is hell.

tea tray in the sky.

@loudmouthedgirl I watch movies that I know in advance will make me upset. It's all "You know what I need right now? A really good cry." And I'll sit down and bawl through literally all two hours of the 1994 release of Black Beauty, with my baby blanket for comfort. I tell myself it's cathartic but it's really just congesting.

myeviltwin

@Twinkle Little Bat I once wept, WEPT, through the ENTIRE two and a half hours (?) of Titanic.

heather

@GreenTea For real! My period keeps me on the couch, but takes me to Seamless Web for grilled cheese and (lots of) fries. Sometimes we pick up chocolate on the way home from work, but only if we're already out.

D@twitter

@myeviltwin: My period makes me watch STEPMOM, weeping openly and loudly the entire time. Hell, sometimes I just watch the trailer over and over on youtube, choking and blubbering. I'm so ashamed. :(

HipsterBarbie

lolz for days!!!

dabbyfanny

My period drives like a little old lady in a huge cadillac, only more indecisively.

Speirbhean

WONDERFUL article. It made me laugh so much. And even when I was reading it, I was like "hmm, this sounds like Minneapolis," and then it was, and made me so much happier. I lived there for a year and miss it lots. :D

D@twitter

@Speirbhean: I could tell that it was Minneapolis, too, while I was reading! I'm not sure why. I miss it too, though.

paisami

my period gives me crazy nightmares two days beforehand to warn me that it is due. then i'm so emotionally exhausted by the time it arrives that i submit to its every whim. such as spending literally hours crying at cat videos and changing my facebook profile picture to a picture of anything other than me. if i actually had any money or lived near a mall i'm sure it'd drag me out shopping regularly. as it is i just lust after shoes online and get depressed that i wouldn't be able to walk in heels that high even if i was able to afford them.

Katie Heaney

My period made me want to be in a sisterhood of the traveling pants with ALL y'all, and order us 500,000 pizzas, and then also cry a little bit too. SLUMBER PARTYYYY

Maria

@Katie Heaney I shall bring some wine.

madamvonsassypants

@Katie Heaney So much fertile lady musk.

beeline96

@Maria I'll bring some magazines and brownies.

Bittersweet

@beeline96: US Weekly and Ghirardelli pieces in the brownies, please. I'll bring the bourbon and a selection of Entenmann's donuts.

tiny dancer

My period decided to stick around for two weeks recently, which led to an exhaustion of cheese enchiladas, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, and all of Breaking Bad (have you watched this show?!). I enjoy my period's demands but dislike the after effects: nightmares and weight gain.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

Wasn't there a post here a while back about, well not exactly asshole feet, but something close?

juliannasays

My period makes me cry at commercials and videos of kitties and pictures of dogs in wigs. It also makes me pick fights with my boyfriend and eat lots of chips and rotel and take 1000mg of ibuprofen and wonder if I'll ever do my laundry.

pretend

The best time I read a story about a menstrual cycle personified.

Wondajules

Registered to say that the last time my period took me shopping it was during lent, when I foolishly gave up both meat and sugar (if I can't get animal protein, I'm most likely to supplement with cupcakes), so we left the store with a tin of biscuits, 2 bottles of wine, a 6-pack of Abita and 4 bunches of sunflowers because, dammit, they make me happy.

madamvonsassypants

My period gets me into senseless arguments and debates on the internet with people I don't or barely know. Or, like my period did earlier today, made a point to prove THREE different exes wrong on three different, unimportant FB status update declarations of strong opinions. Basically, I become trollbait.

Although, that satisfaction of publicly pwning someone in a debate is too thrilling to give up.

tee
tee

my period makes me buy milk chocolate and then it sits around moaning because it's actually allergic to milk chocolate

theinvisiblecunt

@tee, maybe that's your period asking you for more magnesium and you can sub in spinach or something to shut it up

tee
tee

@theinvisiblecunt hmm yes. i've heard of this. will look into it.

distrighema

Mine demands nicotine? I say, I can't smoke anymore! My throat hurts! And it just goes, FINISH THE PACK.

Lauren_O'Neal

Dang, my period never wants anything to do with shopping or food. It thirsts only for tears, endless seas of tears, because like, I really wanted to make it through that intersection and now the light is red.

foureyedgirl

My period also loves Target and bracelets. But mostly it believes chocolate covered peanuts and riesling is a balanced meal as long as it's eaten in front of the fine tear producing programming of Lifetime: Television for Women.

workerbee

period =drank all my hubby's beer. Wore a two piece to beach. Regretted when I saw pics. But, at time - I was awesome + buzzed.

Flies in my eyes

Replace 'period' with 'hangover' and this perfectly describes my life. If my 'period' had it's way I would not leave the bed unless it was to eat nachos or cookies, preferably both.

sam.i.am

My period always takes me out for a steak, which can be nice, except for the times when my period forgets we work in a town where the steak costs $8.99. And she always has to order the steak. Can't just get her iron from her grits...

tiffytaffy

I registered just to comment that this was ridiculously awesome and accurate. Katie Heaney, please keep writing!

Peg Brown

My period has in the past gotten me drunk off box wine and left me in the morning. I've woken up asking myself "What did I do?" after receiving an Amazon purchase confirmation for a Magic Wand, eyebrow powder and every Harry Crews book.

pinesy

Yesterday my period made me buy two bikinis and some cocktail rings at 1am and tonight it made me nap all evening and then order take-out chicken at 2:30. My period is a night owl, apparently.

mandabear

Aww, my period makes me always break a dish/glass or run into something the day before it knocks on my door. Then it tells me to consume that Chik-fil-a sandwich and to start crying over the fact that she has triumphed once again over the eggs and I don't have a baby. Then I tell Ms. MC to go fuck herself and there is always next month.

possiblymaybe

@mandabear

Created an account just to agree with you. After being dumped by someone I was with for over a decade, I got my period and it was like such a huge reminder that...I didn't have a kid and would never have a kid with this person. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Erin Toedter Alfaro@facebook

Hilarious and so true! I started my period today after an 19 month hiatus (due to pregnancy & breastfeeding) and I went straight to the mall and ate Nachos while I was there.

ButterflyFace

My period makes me buy lots and lots of yarn. I don't knit. Well I knit about 4 inches of a scarf, then rip it out in frustration. M. Cycle also likes salty things a lot and I bloat like a puffer fish, so clothes shopping would just be tears.... Speaking of which. My period made me fill my Netflix with all the saddest award winning movies I hadn't seen. For like three weeks, I couldn't figure out why I every movie I got was a weeper. Period.

Tospinles

Katie Heaney, you're hilarious and a great writer. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff!

nomorecheese

This is a glorious testimony to the evil powers of our reproductive systems. Well done.

hannahvalentine

This is the best thing I've ever read! My period makes my buy an entire tin of sweetened condensed milk and watch Romeo + Juliet. h8 you period.

D@twitter

Hahaha, you live in Minneapolis? I am so glad I don't live there anymore. With the megamall so close, my period would drive me to bankrupcy.

Natalie132

My period makes my attention span shrivel to nothing until I get so bored and hyper that I try on my make-up, try on my prettiest dresses ("You really need to wear make-up more often, you look better with it on!" my period mutters) and daydream about how good I'll look at coming-up parties. It makes me feel bloated and tells me I'm "A bit chunky!" so I barely eat, feel skinny for not eating until I feel bloated again and binge because I'm so hungry."There she goes again," it says, "time to get back on the scales and go for a run!"

Serafina

@Natalie132 Your period and my period should be friends. I mean, they like the same things and everything already.

Piefingers@twitter

I imagined this whole scenario at Rosedale and then the Roseville SuperTarget. If I were in that direction, my period would for sure take me to Arby's. (oh and this was hilarious!)

nobody@twitter

my period makes me eat entire medium pizza(s) to myself, while drinking an entire 2L bottle of sprite, and crying at laundry detergent/fabric softener commercials.

dabbyfanny

Can we have a "my PMS made me..." post, pleeeeeze? I'm dying to tell my exploding pepper grinder/ laughing boyfriend/ chef's knife story.

myeviltwin

@dabbyfanny Tell the story!!

dabbyfanny

@myeviltwin Oh... okay! So I was in my early twenties and had just moved apartments with my then boyfriend, and he basically did that boy thing where they unpack the stereo, cd's, and speakers, work really hard to set the whole thing up and then lay around listening to music because, you know, they're like, really tired, and what else is there to do? So I'm feeling quite martyred - I know, I did these things to myself! I've learned better now! And I decide that I can't relax until everything is unpacked. Like you do. Three days later, BF is still listening to Keith Jarrett cd's, and I'm nearly done with the unpacking, and right as I register that the pepper pot is empty AGAIN, my PMS and the BF both show up in the kitchen at the same time. So I'm trying to pour peppercorns into the grinder, and it's deeply irritating, and they're going in like, one at a time, and PMS is wondering why I'm always the one who does this fucking irritating job, when the lid of the big peppercorn container flies off and they go everywhere, I mean, it's explosive, billions of bouncy peppercorns flying twenty goddamn feet, and I just stand there in the terrible silent aftermath and then one of the peppercorns that got lodged in my sweater just sort of comically pings out and onto the floor, and that's when the BF starts laughing. And then PMS makes my hand reach for the enormous chef's knife, and I say, very quietly, "You should leave, now" and my BF's eyes get very big and he slowly backs out and gently closes the door. And then I felt insanely happy, and cheery, and swept up the mess and cooked dinner, and PMS and I chuckled quietly about how much fun that was, and hoped he wouldn't call the cops. I swear I have never done anything like that before or since, but under the circumstances, I think it was entirely appropriate.

myeviltwin

@dabbyfanny Awesome! Sounds like your period needs some help with "anger management"!

TrilbyLane

@dabbyfanny Was the boyfriend allowed any dinner? or did you and PMS eat all the dinner, all to yourselves?

Horseback.beggar

@dabbyfanny Yay story! Your PMS totally rocks. Not that I am promoting violence as a way of achieving goals or anything...

dabbyfanny

@trilby lane, as I recall, we had actually started eating before the BF mustered enough balls to come in to the kitchen, and he was very wary about it too :-) Yeah, I don't get into violence much either HB and this wasn't really like me, I think the stress of losing my job, moving house, and realizing that I was going to be living with a real asshole for the foreseeable future brought PMS to her magnificent best (worst?)

Paola López Plascencia@facebook

@dabbyfanny OMG! That was hilarious! Your period totally rocks! :D

Fishbear

Ah, if only I could blame my period for my shameful, fully-in-adulthood-acquired collection of Magic: The Gathering cards. Instead I think I can only blame nonhormonal impulsiveness.

shannonmkennedy@twitter

That's funny. My period always makes me shed a blood-rich uterine lining from my vagina... and want to eat cheese.

Hot Doom

My period makes me buy the the Pound Plus bars of dark chocolate from Trader Joes, break it up into rows, and use the chocolate to dunk into Nutella. This is usually after my period gives slow-driving old folks the finger as they speed up to make it through the yellow light and I hit the red. Then crying. Then Natalie Portman crazy laughing. Then chocolate.

Charlotte Rose

Loved this! My period makes me smoke and eat whole bags of cheese puffs (Really any cheese product, including whole slices of cheese, no bread, dipped in jam) and them watch movies where Emma Thompson hides her feelings bravely, while I cry like a baby. Then I clean the floors on hands and knees,with Qtips if possible.

pollykettle

i love this article!

little_mascara

Mine wants cake. CAAAAAAAKKKKEEEE.

Skeleton Key

love this article! my period really gets me right before it shows up. i know it's on its way because of an undeniable, insatiable urge for chocolate and salty things. the night before, i become so irritable that i should be drugged and put to bed. anytime i look in the mirror and think "god, i am so fat and ugly!" i know it's just my period's impending arrival. all this courtesy of going off hormonal birth control and onto a copper iud! yay?

Judith Slutler

Mine just drinks coffee at work every hour on the hour, while I think "PERIOD! We're not even sleepy! And the coffee we get at this job is from one of those weird machines with the coffee pads, it doesn't even taste good and we don't even like it. Oh period... you just like the coffee because of the word 'pad' don't you. Don't you!?"

Then my period and I get home from work and comment on all the blog posts instead of interacting with human beings or eating food.

Rosemarie

Oh, the memories! Wait until pre-and-then-post-menopausal, ladies! That is when you buy the dress, use your supposed creative talents to hot glue gun and glitter the dress and go into a total melt down when the store won't return and refund! You have a long way to go, girls. Loved this and keep on writing - from a curmudgeonly 64 year old!

permanentbitchface

This was the best story ever!

Tragically Ludicrous

My period made me have buffalo wings and a cheese toasty for dinner, and then go to an academic dance party and get depressed because I was there by myself and guys don't talk to me. (PERIOD, it was a performance studies conference! all the guys there are 50 or gay or both! and you insisted we stay in the dance room which was super loud anyway!)

shesaboutamover

Way, way, way too relatable!

messofme

I read (and loved) this the other day. My period made me come back for a re-read today so it could remind me of the power it wields (as I sit here with a Venti frappucino - I never order anything larger than a Tall, period!)

Fly About

Bad at keeping track of the comings and goings of MC, but this may explain my monthly cleaning/cooking sprees to four Celine Dion albums on shuffle...Hilarious article, keep writing please!

ruthindia

this is genius

Logos

!! My period made me inhale two plates FULL of Mexican food. While reading this!

(It's also pointing out, snidely**, that your own period's first ALL-CAPS moment needs another "P." P for PERIOD. ! :)

(**seriously, what a bitch my period is. I'll try & shut it up w/ guac.)

annveal

I don't feel quite so hateful towards my period now, even though last week she made me get drunk, go clubbing, make out with strangers and then put me to bed crying after a trip to McDonalds. The next morning we bonded over how beautiful horses are, or what little we could see of them through our Netflix induced tears. Horses would never leave me, unlike my stupid ex-boyfriend, who my period is still in love with even though i keep trying to tell her he's NOT WORTH IT.

kittle

@dabbyfanny - hilarious. My period makes me have imaginary arguments with people in my head until I have worked myself into a self-righteous rage. Oh, and inhale chocolate

Watts Up?

My period is quite a horse's arse. She likes to torment my husband with threats of "if you are that angry, then WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEEEEEAVE!" or "fine, I don't need you either. GET OUT!" before I realize what she's even saying to him.
Clearly, my period needs some anger management classes. Or maybe more chocolate.

dane

i think that maybe our periods could be friends.

lumpycushion

My period makes me go outside with absolutely no makeup on and wearing pajamas. It also makes me disregard my hair.
Basically, my period makes me look like a monster.

Kim Ngo@facebook

Everytime I let my husband know that I'm upset with him, he blames it on my period so period makes me slap him.

Paola López Plascencia@facebook

OMG! This is HILARIOUS! Thank you very much for this! :D As an aspiring filmmaker, I agree, it should be made into a girl movie!

While I do get grouchy on my period, it's usually PMS that it's at its worse! :( Like a week before my period, I have to clean absolutely EVERYTHING in sight. And the day right before, I just feel like crying over nothing.

I hate periods, too :( My back hurts like an s.o.b. during the first days and all I want to do is lay down and sleep.

Elesa Mackhan@facebook

My period Googled 'fun things to do while on period' and 'how to kill brother with bare hands' in the same day. My period likes the word bastard and can be violent at times. I donot mess with her, & give her what she wants. She is a filthy truckdriver.
Also my period unfriended 'half boyfriend' on facebook. I haven't thanked her as yet.

charliegrrrl

Stumbled upon this while looking up the connection between menstruation and shopping...I always thought it was an interesting coincidence that I wanted to go shopping (I really don't like shopping at all) then shortly there after would start my period.

I admire your honesty and creative writing! Thank you for painting a totally relatable and vivid picture of your roller coaster ride. Reading this made me feel considerably less crazy. Not because you are-but because I know I'm totally not alone in the hum of psychotic PMS! LOVE THIS

339807720@twitter

I am very happy to read this article .. thanks for giving us go through info.Fantastic nice. I appreciate this post.
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