Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Kissing, Facial Hair, and Secret Lesbian Techniques

So I'm a chick who mostly likes men, but considers sexuality fluid and has occasionally slept with women (as in, like, twice). My best friend happens to be a queer chick. And in the past, I happened to have been a little bit in love with her. We didn't talk too much about that fact, but it was kind of an unspoken understanding, and I'm about 80 percent sure that she had some feelings for me too, but we never acted upon them. This past weekend, she came to visit me after not seeing each other for seven months. (Important-ish note: she has recently started seeing someone fairly seriously but they're not exclusive yet.) After dinner and a not insignificant volume of cheap merlot, she kissed me. I kissed her back, although I was kind of unsure if this was a good idea, despite really wanting it to happen. Then she stopped, citing "blurred lines." But then, later on, she asked if maybe we should do that again/continue where we left off because she thought we were "both really curious" and "it would be fun," and it "wouldn't mean anything romantic." After kind of agreeing (albeit hesitantly) that yeah, it would be fun, and why not, she then later decided that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea, and she wouldn't want to mess with things.

I know she values our friendship above everything (she said so), so my question is, why would she kiss me, suggest that we give it a go, and then back out, all within three hours? She knows how I feel/felt about her even if we never really talked it out entirely, and I had kind of come to terms with the fact that we would never work out because I love her friendship too much to jeopardize it. It kind of feels like she's playing with me. Is she playing with me? Why would she do that? Is making out casually with your best friends a thing that people do? Should we just have made out to see if we're as sexually compatible as we are emotionally and personality-wise? Should I stop myself from falling for her all over again? AH.

Oh honey. Yes. I'm sorry, but yes, you should stop yourself from falling for her. Because unfortunately, she is not falling for you.

Making out with best friends is something a lot of people do, queer people particularly. You're hanging out, you're both hotties, you know you like spending time together, why not spend time together with your tongues in each other's mouths? If you both have strong feelings for each other as more-than-friends, maybe your friendship develops into a more serious relationship. If neither of you sees the other as a romantic prospect, maybe you just have someone awesome to fool around with until one of you gets a girlfriend. These are both totally acceptable scenarios. Unfortunately, there's a third option — in which one person wants to be romantically involved, and the other doesn't.  

That, it sounds like, is the situation in which you find yourself. Here's my interpretation of the events you recounted: Your friend wants to fool around with you, she thinks you're sexy, but she doesn't see you as a potential girlfriend. She knows, however, that you have strong feelings for her, so she's conflicted. Here's this hot lady who wants to get down with her, but getting down could result in damaging or destroying a friendship she values. She waffled a little (and who wouldn't?), because the allure of fresh hot sex delivered right to her door was hard to resist, but ultimately decided that it would be wrong to lead you on in that way.

Your friend wasn't playing with your emotions, at least not intentionally. She was just making a difficult decision. Try not to hold it against her — think how much worse you would have felt if you two had fucked, after which she'd gone home and continued dating her new semi-serious girlfriend. Because that's what would have happened. Appreciate that she is a good friend for sparing you that pain, especially since she had to deny herself sex in the bargain. And try to find someone new to have a crush on, OK?

So the Hairpin has done some Q & A about facial hair before, so I apologize if this seems redundant: I have some peach fuzz on my upper lip, nothing too exciting, and am cultivating a rapidly darkening lot on my chin. I pluck when it starts being noticeable and tug at it thoughtlessly on occasion, but here's my question: is there a way to just straight-up accept a lady beard and just own the Frida Kahlo look? Can that be attractive? Does it involve bow-ties and suspenders? Or should I put away my mustache wax and keep plucking?

Pretty much all the other Ask A's have gotten questions about facial hair, I think (maybe not Ask A Clean Person? “How do I get grease stains out of my facial hair?” Ew), but this is my first one! I'm excited and a little awed by the responsibility. Before we get to the answering part, however, I should disclose that I have a couple of intractable biases that are going to affect my response: 1) A lot of exposure to Le Tigre, and specifically J.D. Samson, at a formative age has left me with a mild boner for butches with facial hair, and 2) I think everyone should do wacky subversive shit with their appearance ALL THE TIME. It makes me happy inside. Femmes with crew cuts? Macho dudes in skirts? Rock the fuck on with your bad selves.

That said, you can probably guess that my advice is going to be HELL YES you should grow that shit out, and if you want to wear a bow tie and suspenders, go for it! Throw a bowler hat on top, too, why the hell not? Look, like I said, I think deliberately screwing around with how people perceive your gender is wicked hot. That makes it hard for me to be objective. If you write in and ask me, “Should I buy a Harley and ride around on in wearing tight jeans?” I am obviously not going to tell you no. I'm only human. I want there to be more hotness in the world.

But also, my own personal shallowness aside, I think it's really smart and healthy to do strange and unexpected things with the way you look, from time to time. Like, maybe not if you're job hunting or whatever, but if you're in a place where a drastic hairstyle change is not going to undermine your ability to pay rent, I don't see any reason not to give it a shot. You may love your lady-goatee and want to keep it forever; you may decide it's not really you after all, in which case you can always shave it off again. In the meantime, it's awesome and liberating to realize that you can look freaky and nothing terrible will happen. People will look at you askance on the bus, but whatever — you might even come to find it funny. Enjoy being the center of attention and possibly getting hit on by some very cool, very not-into-traditional-beauty-standards types of ladies. Give yourself the opportunity to realize just how ridiculous and arbitrary those standards are, and maybe you'll inspire someone else to do the same. Also, for real, yes to suspenders and bow ties.

Hi there! I'm a 20-year-old bisexual and I've been supremely crushing on one of my best friend's workmates (also bi) for a few months, after hanging out with her a bit. She's smart, funny, really pretty and laidback, and basically one of the coolest ladies I've ever met. She broke up with her long-term boyfriend about two months ago, and since then we've been having a lot of a flirty back-and-forth, which has been awesome.

About a week ago my friend mentioned that this woman was 30 — 10 years older than me. While I don't mind this, I am super freaked out that she is going to be a lot more experienced than I am. I was kind of assuming that she was about my age, and now I'm wigging out because I've never really gone beyond heavy making out with a girl or guy before. So, say I was to initiate some kind of relationship with her, and that came up, and I was terrible at the whole hooking-up thing? So now I'm too worried to ask her out.

I guess I have a few questions to ask you, Queer Oracle! 1) Should I just get over this and ask her out anyway, despite the fact she's going to be a lot more experienced? 2) If so, should I just ask her out next time I see her? How long should I wait, considering she was in a really serious long-term relationship? I don't want to be a rebound or anything. 3) How do I ask her out when we're constantly surrounded by people?

Any guidance would be awesome! I've been in "relationships" with girls before, if you count "spending a lot of time in my bedroom making out" a relationship, but the whole dating thing is really new to me, and by nature I'm a pretty easily blindsided, super-straightforward sort of person. Please help!

Yes, you should ask her out. My philosophy of dating is that if you like someone, you should ask her out. I was actually going to write a book about this, which would have changed the world of romantic relationships forever, but then I realized that the book would be one sentence long — that sentence, again, is, “If you like someone, you should ask her out” — and no one would buy a one-sentence-long book. But the point is, you should ask her out.

I get that you're insecure about your relative inexperience. I have vivid memories of feeling like everyone else was having just oodles of gay sex, while I had no idea what I would do with a woman even if I could somehow be brazen enough to ask one out. But you know what? It's not actually all that difficult, even the first time, especially if you tell her it's your first time and ask her for specific instructions. I cannot stress enough the importance of those two things. If she's as cool as you think she is, she'll be patient and extra-communicative and will tell you exactly how she wants you to touch her. This is where it's actually really awesome that she's older and more experienced: While a girl your age might have no idea how rapidly or how hard she wants her clit rubbed, your potential lady friend is going to be able to spell it all out for you. If she's shy about getting specific, ask her questions: “Do you like to be touched here, or is here better? Should I go slower?” Etc. Embrace this learning opportunity.

OK, so now for the bad news: If you get together with this girl, it's probably not going to last. No matter how long you wait to ask her out, if you're the first person she dates after ending a long-term relationship, you will, in fact, be a rebound. On top of that, there's the 10-year age difference and the fact that you've never had sex before. Given your youth and inexperience and that she's very newly single, I don't think a Big Serious Relationship Thing is what either of you really needs at this point in your respective lives — and a BSRT with each other is pretty much doomed right out of the gate.

But don't let that dissuade you from asking her out! I still think you should ask her out. Being someone's rebound relationship — and, of course, someone's lesbian Padawan — is an important milestone in any young queer's life. If you feel like you're ready to broaden your horizons and have some wonderful new experiences, then go for it. Just don't expect it to be more than a few months of fun, excitement, and eventual heartbreak. (Having your heart broken is another crucial milestone.)

Oh, and as for “how do I ask her out when there are always people around” — do you have her phone number? If not, invent a flimsy pretext for procuring it. Everyone around will know what you're trying to pull, but that's OK. Then call her up and ask her out, already.

Any lesbian secret pussy-eating techniques you can share with men who are eager to please?

I don't think there are any specific techniques that dykes have been keeping to ourselves. I feel like we would have shared them already, in solidarity with our straight sisters — we're not stingy, we want everyone to get off!

Actually, in my experience, queer chicks don't talk about the nuts-and-bolts of boning all that much. Oh, we'll chat about which toys we love (vibrating cock ring 4-eva) and our favorite positions (several pillows under your head is essential to 69ing), but when it comes to very particular “first I put my fingers here, then I lick here” kinds of details, nope. I'm trying to think why this might be, and it occurs to me that it's probably, at least in part, related to the tiny dating pool into which most of us are dipping. Any given queer community is of necessity a lot smaller than its hetero counterpart, on account of there aren't as many of us. (Yet. If you listen to the right-wing nutjobs, we're recruiting more impressionable young people every year, so look for us to rule the world by [The Strategies of Lesbianism Convention has demanded that the conclusion of this sentence be redacted. There is no plan of world conquest through girl-on-girl action. Please go about your business.])

Thing is, since even in a big city there aren't really that many dykes to go around, we all end up dating each other, and each other's friends, and each other's exes, and so forth. Which means that we have to be just slightly more circumspect about the details of our sex lives. You'd be a lot less likely to bust out with, “My girlfriend did the most amazing thing with her tongue last night,” if you knew your BFF might very well come back with, “I remember that! It was awesome!” or, even worse, “Yeah, I taught her how to do that.”

Or maybe that has nothing whatsoever to do with it; maybe it's just that most lesbians who know enough to talk about it also know that no two women have the same vagina, and what works for one lady might be all wrong for another. So my actual Secret Lesbian Pussy-Eating Technique is, as you may remember from the previous question, ask her! Fast or slow? Circular or back and forth? Direct (clit) or indirect (labia)? Penetration or no? I mean, don't sit her down with a checklist before you get her pants off or anything. But, like, if what you're doing isn't working, vary your speed, or your angle, and see if that's better. If you're not sure, asking is always the correct thing to do. And remember that what a woman likes may change from day to day, depending on her mood, where she is in her cycle, etc. What got her off last time isn't necessarily going to work today, although it's probably a good place to start.

Oh, one other thing: I've never heard a dyke espouse the lick-the-alphabet style of cunnilingus, but a lot of straight dudes seem to believe it is The Thing To Do. Why is that? It seems unappealing to me — if you're changing your stroke every two seconds, how's she going to settle into a rhythm? Straight ladies, does this actually get you off? (Yes, I am asking YOU for advice now. Because why should I do all the work?) Please enlighten me in the comments!

Previously: Flirting, Unqueering, and Lesbian Porn. vs. Lesbian Porn.

A Queer Chick is a queer chick who knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?

76 Comments / Post A Comment


Yeah, I don't get that alphabet-with-the-tongue thing, either. My clit needs rhythmic continuity. Nothing worse than someone changing course in mid-stream when you're entering Cumsville.

Cumsville? I don't know why. I'll just let myself out.

raised amongst catalogs

@kayjay There's a town in Michigan called Climax. You can just pretend you said that instead.

Also, the only time anyone should be licking the alphabet is while eating a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal. Even then, the licking would only be incidental.


the alphabet thing was completely new to me; I knew the floating cork exercise, though.
(put a cork in a bowl of water and learn to roll it with your tongue - forward, backwards, sideways...)


@kayjay selfishly, I've always felt that being the speller of the alphabet seemed too robotic, distracting, and unoriginal. Like they'd figure out what I was doing and be all, "Hey, that's cheating!". Be creative and pay attention to her reactions.

Dust. Wind. Bun.@twitter

@vanillawaif Climax, Michigan is way less fun than it sounds. It's farmland, and a lot of pretty uptight Baptists (my weird relatives).

on topic! I always thought the alphabet thing was more for guys who are all like 'durr I don't know what to do with this strange new thing called a clit', just kind of like training wheels for the clit until they got the hang of it.


I use the Whatever She Likes Best Today technique.


@atipofthehat The best technique.


Aw man, bearded lady you are the best! My bff has a good solid 'stache and has had since highschool and it has never stopped people of either gender hitting on her. She otherwise likes fancy vintage suits and bright shirts so a beard does not have to imply not giving a shit about your appearance. I haven't seen you and I already know you're hot!


See I think the first lady was being toyed with. If the bff knew she was in love with her she should have erred on the side of caution (of her feelings) and left it alone. The vacillating makes her look weak and dismissive of the friend's feelings.
As for the alphabet thing, that's a good way to get your neck strangled for just being annoying and ineffective.



Hey, whud whedder is fthisf? Cansh you gueffsh? Fthafgth's fright! Itfs emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...


@atipofthehat That made my day, thank you.


@atipofthehat: I dunno, a bunch of emmmmms might be interesting.


@shenannies Well I mean, we can't know that the BFF knew she was in love with her. Maybe this has all been super-flirty sexually-charged-but-oh-em-gee-we're-NEVER-going-there fun for the BFF, and she thought it was the same for the letter writer. Or am I the only person who has had those kind of friendships?


@atipofthehat : You RULE! M is the very best letter! DO. THAT.


@wee_ramekin I was thinking the same thing! Nobody is a mind reader, and since they haven't actually talked it out, we really can't assume the BFF actually knows about the letter writer's serious feelings.


I've never encountered the licking the alphabet technique, but I have to agree with needing a rhythm to settle into.


What would J.D. Samson do?

femme cassidy

@dinos Me, hopefully.


In the off chance that there is a dude/lady I am boning/will bone in the future reading this, can I just talk up how some ladies don't actually have super sensitive clits (or maybe it's just me), and repetitive motion feels nice but what I want is repetitive pressure. And yes, I have gotten a lot better about asking for what I want, mostly because I remembered how much awful cunnilingus I've been given because the person relied on hearsay.


@Nutmeg Totally agree. I remember being younger and guys telling me that they couldn't do it too firmly, as I wouldn't like it. Ugh, I hate soft mooshy cunnilingus. All I can think about is the saliva slowly dripping down my buttcrack.


@insouciantlover I've in fact never enjoyed cunnilingus. Everybody who's tried it on me has either tried to write out the alphabet at warp speed (that being the Cambodian alphabet, which contains 74 letters!!) or picked one action only and stuck with it, no matter how hard I tried to persuade him/her that it was not working. This makes me sad, as cunnilingus seems to be considered the Holy Grail of Sexual Pleasure, but oh well.


Since when am I not allowed to sit down ahead of time with a checklist? I have a really nice PDF already made up I was hoping to use.


@leon.saintjean: If it's awkward in person, you could email her a link to one of those nice survey sites.


@spiralbetty "On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a gigantic pile of pillows and 10 being 'What Columbus did to the Indians', how rough ought I be tonight?"


@leon.saintjean: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how many fingers should I use?"


@spiralbetty Well, now I pretty much have to make this a Google-Doc questionnaire!


@leon.saintjean: I suggest administering this survey prior to every date and providing quarterly trend analysis. You know, for science.


@spiralbetty I'll make a corresponding one to rate my performance. I'm a big advocate of SMART objectives in the workplace, might as well bring 'em into the fuckplace too.


@leon.saintjean: Be strict when setting benchmarks.


@leon.saintjean This is turning into a good reason to sleep around. It's for SCIENCE!


@leon.saintjean Never has the phrase 'Key Performance Indicators' been more apt.


@rayray @leon.saintjean

lol when I read that question I'm imagining sitting someone down with a clipboard and an informational pamphlet. When they're done, they get a free pencil.


@DrFeelGood Actually, the intent was to make it a form which could be filled out in Google Docs, and the answers would auto-populate into a spreadsheet. Said spreadsheet would then have all the data on how a whole bunch of lady-folk "like it".

Then, I would poll a whole bunch of men on "What do you think is the most common response to each of these questions from women?" and let them answer the questionnaires. I would chart both sets of results, and it would demonstrate that we dudes have completely the wrong idea.

Ick. So boring / lame. I've been doing analysis all day at work and it's ruining every fun part of my brain.

Lily Rowan




@leon.saintjean Um...why aren't you submitting this idea to Edith as a real survey proposal for The Hairpin? What am I missing?


@wee_ramekin Because I feel like now that I met some of you and you were awesome it would just be a weird creepy sex dossier? If there's a way to anonymously submit answers then maybe we could try it on the honor system. Not academically rigorous, but nowhere near as weird.


@leon.saintjean: Nothing says 'doin' it' like a spreadsheet.

No, seriously, can there be pie charts?


@spiralbetty I LOVE CHARTS SO MUCH YES YES YES. I am always looking for a good reason to make infographics! Now I kind of really want to do this. Nothing says SEXXXXXY like quantifying female sexual preferences and male expectations thereof for a rigorous gap analysis.


@leon.saintjean: You just made "rigorous gap analysis" sound really dirty. Nice job.


@leon.saintjean: Please be The 'Pin's Nate Silver o' Love. Call it The Pie Chart.


@spiralbetty You had me at "Nate Silver o' Love". I'm going to do this, if not for distributing somewhere formal on the internet, at least because I am fascinated by what the results would be. If any of the amazing Hairpin Ladies (or dudes) would like to help me come up w/ relevant survey questions (I need help!) please email me at username at gmail dot com, i'm totally going to make this happen!


I dated a lady with a 'stache briefly. First impression: it was really noticable; later on impression: it was really attractive. She pulled it off and it probably had to do with her overall confidence. I'm pretty sure she understood that she was a hottie in a cool subversive way. That said, I'm not really comfortable with my mild 'stache or the rogue hairs on my chin. I tweeze them when I'm bored.

Tim Tracy

The lightly (or not so lightly depending on the sensitivity of your partner) sucking and twirl / push method seems to work for me.


@Tim Tracy "If you want to do The Move out of town, okay, but not in the city."


@Tim Tracy Oh, light clitoral sucking would make me knee someone in the face. Not you though. I'm sure you're great.


Alphabet thing does not work for me. @Tim Tracy, please call me. Also, Lady with a Beard should see an endocrinologist to make sure this is not a symptom of an actual disease. Assuming it isn't, rock on.


Ahh, yes "Ask/tell him/her!" is always the answer in "Ask a relationship question" much the way the answer in "Ask a clean person" is always "white vinegar/bleach/baking soda BUT OMG NEVER TOGETHER!".

Also, it seems worth noting that many relationship and cleaning issues can be solved by either a) not giving a shit (my apartment smells, I have a lady-beard) or b) opening the windows.

femme cassidy

@Olivia2.0 Yeah, whenever I'm reading questions to advice columnists I find myself muttering "Just ask her already!" the same way I mutter "He's in the closet!" while watching slasher movies. It's pretty much always the right answer, but the person in the situation can't always see that from where they're standing. Also, the person in the situation is about to get stabbed, usually.

Jolie Kerr

@Olivia2.0 Clearly you've been sitting in the back of the Clean Person class, Olivia. Vinegar + baking soda is aces. It's ammonia + bleach that you should never mix together. Talk less and listen more.


Also, can we TALK about how small and incestuous queer circles are? As a newly-initiated bisexual in my ex's circle, I can say that I was BLOWN AWAY that she had slept with almost every single one of her friends. One time at a concert, I looked around the circle of friends and was like "Holy shit. Literally every single woman in this group has slept with my girlfriend!". I don't know if this makes my ex a raging Don Juan or if that's just par for the course in most queer circles.

Oddly enough, I was never jealous around any of her friends/former girlfriends the way I think I would be if a boyfriend's exes were still his friends.

femme cassidy

@wee_ramekin For serious, if you're jealous of every girl your gf has ever slept with, you are going to have a lot of difficulty going to parties. I think all queer social circles are the same way. Either that or my friends are just slutty?


@wee_ramekin Yeah. So small, so incestuous. I get a little jealous from time to time, but never really insecure like I think I might if it was a guy's exes. Weird? Probably.


@femme cassidy Well and now I'm wondering how I find *other* queer social circles. Because that girlfriend is now an ex, and is dating (wait for it...) one of her friends. And I am no longer a part of that social circle (too painful...is that the straight in me?). So now I want to find another circle of queer friends, not so much to sex with as to have that queer community again. No joke: when my ex and I broke up, I watched all six seasons of The L-Word because I was so lonely for the company of lesbians.

@SouthernSmirk If it's weird, I'm right there with you! I don't know if the lack of jealousy was that queer relationships are just different re: jealousy, or if it was the particular person I was dating or if I've hit a point in my life where I don't get insecure about that stuff (doubt it...). I just feel like when I date a guy, I don't think I'll be as kosher with exes-who-are-friends as I was with the ex-girlfriend.

femme cassidy

@wee_ramekin Gay bars? Poetry slams? Roller derby? I know the feeling--like there's only one gay scene in any given city and if you break up with one girl, you break up with EVER HAVING A SOCIAL LIFE AGAIN--but I think you have options. Where you at?


@femme cassidy I'm in Austin, which you'd think would be *swiiiiming* with lesbians. Well, actually, I know that it is, but there doesn't seem to be a place where we all congregate. I think because Austin is SUCH an awesome and accepting city, you find gays any ole' place. We're not confined to any one neighborhood or anything, which is super awesome until you're like me and you're like "Where are all the queer ladies at?".

Also, the one lesbian bar we have made me cry with sadness inside when I went to there. Ugh...so terrible. And I don't really drink a lot anyway, so bars are always kind of dicey for me. We have an AWESOME roller derby scene, I'm tryin' to break into that. I have made some new queer friends through some classes I'm taking, so that is good.


@wee_ramekin Yes, whhhhhhhy is that bar SO SO bad??? I'm in Austin too, and just found the secret queer bar last week! Bernadette's on Airport!


Mmm I dunno if I agree about the rebound thing! I mean, is the next person you date always a rebound? Do rebounds never turn into legit relationships? Am I now rethinking all my relationship decisions??


@bitterlikeangostura I don't know if the next person you date is always a rebound, but I do think that if you are like the letter writer's crush and

a) got out of a relationship two months ago with a
b) super long-term partner and your new interest is
c) a cutie who is 10 years younger than you are

...you're lookin' at a rebound.


Dear a Straight Dude, the number one thing is not to keep changing the stroke. Get in there, goof around a little to set the mood, and then get down to it, in a steady pattern, with steadly increasing gentle pressure. Pick one you can do for a while without suffocating or hurting your neck. Tell all your friends! Make the alphabet a useless apparatus from the past like a clothes wringer, that modern technology has liberated us from!

Princess Gigglyfart

Lady Beardo,
Bowties and suspenders are completely unnecessary. Rock the beard with a pretty dress if you want. I'll probably think you're hot either way.


Girl in the 3rd question, don't worry about nuffin. I was in an identical position as you, and my lady, 10 years and 30 partners ahead of me, rocked my world (she was my first!) We're in an awesome relationship, going strong. Chemistry and communication is waaaay more important than experience. If you've got the hots for her, you'll know what to do... ;)
Be brave!


@Queee Awwwww :o)...

Jolie Kerr

Just in case this gives any of you ideas, the answer is "corn starch."


was there some stand up comedian in the 80s who did a routine about the alphabet thing? is that where this terribly misguided idea sprang from? it's the WORST. makes me actually ANGRY. guy who asked the question, imagine if a girl used her tongue to spell out the alphabet along the side of your penis. it's not that it would be unpleasant -- but i'd bet good money it's not going to get you off.

also every serious relationship i've ever had, the other party went on to make a permanent commitment to the person they dated after me. that whole rebound thing is a MYTH. (although given the age and experience differential, in this case i suspect it is accurate.)



The problem with any "technique" is that it offers a rote, predetermined maneuver in a situation where attentive responsiveness is required.

Cat named Virtute

Coming out of hiding to express SO MUCH LOVE for this queer chick. Bearded ladies! The secret queer cabal! WOULD LOL AGAIN.

Lauren T@twitter

I was lead to believe the alphabet trick was only a way to find out the best way to move your lips/tongue. So, you do the alphabet all the way through just once to find the right letter/mouth movements, and then do that one, rhythmically.


Agreed: no alphabet, no sucking but yes to steady pace, not too much pressure, and for the love of god, when I start to come, DO NOT STOP OR PULL AWAY! jeebus! I should not have to chase your tongue with my hips!

Also, there is a town in Colorado called Climax!

And though I love you Queer Chick, and I know this is a bit of an advice-giving trope, I do not understand why anyone would ever confess that they are virgins to their potential lovers. Why would you do that? It just seems like it would be LOTS of pressure for the lover; "I have to be super mind-blowing memorable now". Because everyone remembers their first, right? I dunno, I say tell 'em after! Then you can work on all the deets and technique..


@lids The "do you tell them they're your first" question is such a tough one. I went with lie-of-omission, and man, she was PISSED when she found out. (Didn't help that the conversation went like this: Me: "What difference would it have made?" Her: "I would have been more nervous!" Me: "Like that's even possible ... uh ... oh, shit. Sorry. I don't mean that you were super-nervous! Just that you ... were ... super-nervous.")

And then we broke up. I mean, it was like a month later, but let's not kid ourselves here.

So I think telling/not telling depends on how much you want to get laid balanced with how much you like that person. For the asker above, seems like she's more into this woman than desperate to having The Gay Sex, so--telling's probably better.


@lids Ooooo...I totes disagree! I think you should almost always be honest with your partner about that (I can't actually think of a situation where you wouldn't want to be honest, but I'm sure there is one, hence the qualifier...).

I am bisexual, so I had two "first times". I definitely think you've gotta tell a guy before you do penis-in-vagina sex for the first time, 'cuz shit son, you're gonna need lube and it's probably still gonna feel weird/bad. You don't need a dude pounding away all hot and heavy if it's your first time.

And I think that you need to tell a lady it's your first time too. Even though the, ahem, "mechanics" of it might not be as painful as the first time with a dude, there's still a lot going on. Also, if you are like I was the first time I slept with a lady, you might be a little hesitant to go down on someone your first time. Since my partner knew it was my first time, she didn't push it at all; didn't even mention it. I feel like if your partner didn't know that you were a lady-virgin and you didn't go down on her or you felt scared to do so, she might think that you were a Selfish McSelfersons in bed.

Also, if it makes your partner nervous that it's your first time, I feel like that's tough cookies. They can either lady up and do you or pass...and if they passed on having Sapphic sex with you because it was your first time, then I feel like they probably aren't someone you'd ultimately want to sleep with.

End note: My good friend just went through the situation of being a lady-virgin. She was waffling about telling her partner, and it made her really nervous every time they had sex because she was scared about going down on her partner and not doing it right. Once she told her partner (who was totally fine with it), she was able to relax and enjoy the sex a LOT more.


The only times I've ever used anything like the alphabet technique have been when I'm first going down on a new partner and want to try a little bit of everything to see what works best for her (based on, eg, moaning). But I don't really do the alphabet, just variations, so ... yeah, I guess this isn't really in support of that "technique." Because it's pretty stupid, and would make me want to drag the licker up and ask for maybe some fucking instead.


Wouldn't it be horrible to slowly realize that your lover was dutifully spelling out the alphabet on your nether regions? Maybe spelling a secret message or something as a warm-up would be okay, but the friggin' alphabet?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

The "Merrill Garbus" is in this season, so obvs you gotta kick it up a notch.



The first time my first partner ever went down on me and the heavens awoke with the glory of oral delights, said partner did the stupid alphabet thing. The ONE TIME it worked like a charm and I got off before we reached x,y, and z. Any time subsequent to that first I felt like smacking him on the head and yelling "pussy-- you're doin' it wrong!"

I attribute this first orgasm to the fact that no one had ever put their mouth to my clit before and that such an act is really fucking cool. But if you're licking a vulva that has seen tongue before, don't do the stupid alphabet trick. It's lame and useless. You're doin' it wrong.


The ABC's? Seems unnecessarily complicated. This reminds me of the "secret handbook" in American Pie. Dudes, it's not that complicated. If she says she likes it, keep doing it. If you get a tap on the head, you're doing it wrong.

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