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Friday, May 13, 2011

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How to Make a Doll Into a Wine Glass in 23 Quick Steps

Not that you ever would, or should. But in light of these condiment bottles...

1. Get a doll with a plastic head. They sell good, cheap ones at CVS, Rite Aid, and places like that.

2. You’ll also need a pair of scissors, a plastic wine glass, and a hammer. (Optional but not actually recommended: clear nail polish.)

3. Cut off the doll’s head. If it’s a doll like the one I got — a cheerleading one from Rite Aid that chants “cookies, cookies, cookies ‘n’ cream” — it has a soft body and a hard plastic head, so you can just cut the cloth away from the body and it comes off easily.


4. Now that the head is off the body, play with the hair — you only live once.

5. OK, now cut off all the hair.

6. Rinse her head in the sink and wipe off your table, because the haircut will probably have created tiny stubs of hair that you're breathing.

7. Anyway, draw a line around her head where you want to cut.

8. Cut!

9. Pull out her hair stubs from the inside of her head with your fingernails. If you feel weird that this is actually what you’re doing on a Saturday night, put on HOT 97 — it's really good on Saturday nights.

10. Now plug up the empty hair-holes in her scalp. Nail polish, I guess? Also, this fine-art project is definitely going to give you cancer (or has already given you cancer).

11. Now for the wine glass part. (Oh, and hopefully your doll's eyes are encased in plastic inside her head, as this one's are, or you might have to do some additional sealing, or just abandon the project.)

12. Spend a few minutes trying to saw through the stem of your plastic glass with a serrated knife — or just the knife part of your corkscrew — and then quit, because it’s impossible.

13. Use the corkscrew and its little corkscrew knife to open a new bottle of wine. The knife part has plastic powder on it from the glass you were trying to saw, so plastic powder gets on the mouth of the bottle you’re opening, which pours into your glass (you've been drinking wine from a real glass this whole time), so you’re drinking plastic now as well.

14. Wrap the plastic glass in a paper towel so it won’t shatter everywhere, and then beat it with a hammer until the wine-holding part has been all crushed away.

15. Great! Now it’s time to put the stem and the baby head together.

16. If the stem doesn't fit in the neck hole, hit it more with the hammer until it looks like it should.

17. Spend like 25 minutes trying to cram the doll head onto the stem of the plastic wine glass. Cry. No, don’t cry, but feel like you could if you wanted.

18. But seriously why won’t it just fit on the fucking thinggg.

19. More hammering and then cramming.

20. OK, the baby's head is on the stem.

21. Rinse it out.

22. Test it with water; it’s covered in holes and therefore useless.

23. Well, there you go. You’re done! You can now get rid of alllll your other glasses and cups.

Related/next: Barbie-head shot glasses.

75 Comments / Post A Comment

amity

If this is what we will be drinking from at the meetup next week, I am seriously reconsidering my showing up.
But I admire the perseverance, EZ. You're my heroine. But I mean like lady hero, I don't want to shoot you up and listen to jazz.

antarcticastartshere

I seriously hope the Pulitzer committee is paying attention right now.

theharpoon

@antarcticastartshere Do you have to have, like, Qualifications to nominate somebody?

Layla

@antarcticastartshere As a matter of fact, you don't. You only need like $50! A, um, friend researched this so that SHE could nominate herself and call herself a Pulitzer-nominated writer. I mean, I know you were joking, but just in case anyone was thinking of nominating Edith for a Pulitzer for real...

antarcticastartshere

@Layla Who said I was joking?!?! The 2011 Pulitzer Prize campaign for The Hairpin begins HERE! The Hairpin and that picture of everybody in the white house watching Osama get killed, together at last. In fancy prizes.

webhostingiq

wouldn't this be toxic as there are chemicals in plastic that can melt off in your drink? watch this

jacqueline
jacqueline

Step #18 = me during all my crafting projects.

Queen of Pickles

Solution: hot glue gun the outside holes, smear w/finger?

sarah girl

@annainbrooklyn Wouldn't you burn the fuck out of your finger, though? :(

Judith Slutler

@Sarah H. then smear w/ popsicle stick!

atipofthehat

Great. Now I'm certain that if I come to this meetup, Edith will somehow end up drinking grog from my skull.

punkahontas

@atipofthehat what do you mean "IF"?

atipofthehat

@punkahontas

OK, but now I'll have to come in disguise. I can come early and hide and, when the time is right, hoot twice like an owl. Just see if you can get Edith to limit herself to making skull-coveting remarks.*

*"A cast of your skull, sir, until the original is available, would be an ornament to any anthropological museum."

punkahontas

@atipofthehat Is your disguise going to be wearing a different name tag? Because most of us don't know what each other look like anyway.

I think as long as you don't have flippy eyeballs, tiny doll teeth, or shiny shiny plastic hair, you'll be safe.

shenannies

Does the weird rubbery smelll doll heads have make the wine have a weird rubbery taste?

MeganToTheMax

I need one of these for the office.

heather

@MeganToTheMax I definitely want to fill my office with these. Also, you could probably make a salad bowl from a Cabbage Patch head.

juliannasays

Every single TH craft project ends up on my Crafts To Do While High list.

foxanne

@juliannasays oooh, high crafting! i could used a good stoned crafternoon.

KellyStitzel

I may have nightmares after reading this. Thank you for not choosing a clown doll for this experiment.

rayray

Okay so maybe the wine glass idea didn't fly, although this post is obviously all the funnier for it, but we can surely think of some other household items to make using the severed head of a children's toy? You could put candles in one or something like a non-perishable jack o lantern?

Katie Walsh

@rayray Ceiling fan pull?

Lola

@rayray There's also always this: http://thehairpin.com/2011/02/drawer-handles-for-the-lonely

rayray

@Lola Ahaha I'd forgotten about those! If I get really bored I might just fully kit my apartment out in staring doll heads/arms and bring someone I just met round and just watch them freak out?

boyofdestiny

Is this like a Friday the 13th gag? Pretty much every step of this project was undiluted nightmare fuel.

Katie Walsh

I can't express how much I love this.

Tuna Surprise

Great project.
Two small suggestions:
1. for the love of pete, get plastic glasses where the stems are detachable:
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203678800&pnr=M53&cm_mmc=Shopping-_-GoogleBase-_-M53-_-product

2. after you put the doll head on, I would suggest getting a small cup (or other cylindrical object that fits into the doll head), put it inside the doll head and then pour resin into the doll head around the cup so it's both waterproof and the insides are "cup shaped" rather than doll head shaped.
http://www.dickblick.com/products/castincraft-clear-polyester-casting-resin/

Anyhoo, now I have plans for Saturday night. Thanks, Hairpin!

winchesterwolcott

@Tuna Surprise Or couldn't you cut down the back of the doll's head, fit the doll's head around the wine glass, then glue it shut? Then it would be functional and you could use it when you invite over that guy you met for the first time!

winchesterwolcott

@winchesterwolcott ALSO THIS IS A GREAT BABY SHOWER IDEA!

Ophelia

@winchesterwolcott If I ever have kids, I want you to plan my "carnival of noir" baby shower!

liznieve

@Tuna Surprise OOH OHH OHH, THOUGH. CAREFUL WITH THE RESIN YOU GUYSSSS... this is how Eva Hesse died. Also, not sure that it's foodsafe? I mean, we could just say fuck it and just add on to the carcinogens likely present in the whole production, but The More You Know*

atipofthehat

So, what uses are there for the leftover headless cheerleader body? STC?

punkahontas

@atipofthehat You use the cup part of a different plastic wineglass in place of the head. You would just have to hammer off the foot and then cram the stem down the neck hole. (Maybe add some hot glue around the edges.) TAH-DAH!!! Now you have a set, which is classy!

saythatscool

@atipofthehat Sippy cup for the kids?

atipofthehat

@saythatscool Classic NY Post headline if the parents take the child and cup to a bar and people complain and the child wanders off?

HEADLESS BODY IN TOTLESS BAR

City_Dater

@atipofthehat

I'm thinking those little arms would make great drawer pulls.

saythatscool

@atipofthehat That is amazing. I can't stop laughing.

annierebekah

Well, looks like I have plans for my Saturday crafternoon!

optical_allusion

You forgot to put the little sound card thing on the bottom of the glass, so every time you put it down it shouts, "“cookies, cookies, cookies ‘n’ cream.”

atipofthehat

@optical_allusion

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/23/Tina.ogg

Shouldn't it say "I'm Talky Tankard, and you'll be sorry." ???

City_Dater

Perhaps if the rubbery doll head were just slit down the back and wrapped around the wine-holding portion of a glass (the correct size to fit inside the doll head)? Hot glue the seam and your drink has a disturbing little face!

winchesterwolcott

@City_Dater Ok, I was an hour late, but great minds!! We need to open up a doll head wine glass trouble-shooting shop, STAT!

elysian fields

I'm sitting at my desk laughing silently with tears streaming down my face. That's how much I love this.

Jolie Kerr

This was so much more disturbing than I even thought it was going to be. Well done!

Maria

When you write things this funny, it is really difficult to pretend to my coworkers that I am not reading the internet at work.

atipofthehat

@Maria

I know! "The Best Time Edith Got Me Fired" ?

parallel-lines

It won't make all my wine taste like rubber, sadness and despair - right?

ejcsanfran

@parallel-lines: Isn't that what wine always tastes like..?

mynamebackwards

some friends of mine in grad school took plastic baby dolls (similar to the one above) and cut large holes in their bellies. they then filled the chest cavities with salsa for a ghoulish presentation of chips and salsa. it was delicious.

foxanne

@mynamebackwards god i can't wait for grad school!!

MollyculeTheory

A Doll's Head, a play in three acts by Kenrik Ibsen. (Hint: she leaves her husband for a doll-head wine glass.)

marebitch

@MollyculeTheory while eating all the damn macaroons she pleases!

Layla

I want to marry this post

Setec Astrology

I mean... Really. Speechless. (In a good way.)

I think step #4 is my favorite.

VictorVictrola

@Setec Astrology Right? I would totally stop at step 4 and practice my fishtail technique.

cherrispryte

This is weird because I just made a goblet out of a (plastic) skull two weeks ago.

atipofthehat

@cherrispryte

<3

workerbee

Great baby shower idea!! Just as freaky as that candy in the diaper game because I might as well be swalloing shards of glass when people play that. Hooray for the Hairpin!

birthinghips

I used to have a Halloween goblet with a scull face that I used for most of my first year of uni, but then my flatmate broke him (he was called Graham)
I feel enough time has past to introduce a new goblet to my drinking. So excited for the socially unacceptable drinking habits to return!

Ee Gads

This reminds me of the monkey heads and chilled brains from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Also, this is terrible.

permafrost

This is quite possibly my favorite post on the internet this week!

QuiteAmiable

Can we use our American Girl Dolls for this project? Oh wait, some of us didn't have one...

cherrispryte

@QuiteAimable The fact that you would even ask that question means that it is probably for the best that you did not have one?

QuiteAmiable

@cherrispryte You're probably right. But I feel that drinking out of an American Girl Doll head would be revenge... in some weird way.

cherrispryte

@QuiteAimable No do not agree with me that was a horrible bitchy thing that I said.

But you're right, it would be a weird sort of revenge.

franticdoll

After reading this, "How a Fetus Gets its Face" now seems a little less frightening.

silt

I think this is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen? I mean, this is the internet so there really is a lot of competition, but I'm pretty certain that this takes the cake.

383740544@twitter

I think this is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen? I mean, this is the internet so there really is a lot of competition, but I'm pretty certain that this takes the cake.
abstract art

383740544@twitter

I think this is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen? I mean, this is the internet so there really is a lot of competition, but I'm pretty certain that this takes the cake abstract art

383740544@twitter

Can we use our American Girl Dolls for this project? Oh wait, some of us didn't have one... penny stock newsletter

383740544@twitter

I think step #4 is my favorite. stress relief

383740544@twitter

I think step #4 is my favorite. stress relief

383740544@twitter

Great baby shower idea!! Just as freaky as that candy in the diaper game because I might as well be swalloing shards of glass when people play that. Hooray for the Hairpin! sbothai

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