Not that you ever would, or should. But in light of these condiment bottles...
1. Get a doll with a plastic head. They sell good, cheap ones at CVS, Rite Aid, and places like that.
2. You’ll also need a pair of scissors, a plastic wine glass, and a hammer. (Optional but not actually recommended: clear nail polish.)
3. Cut off the doll’s head. If it’s a doll like the one I got — a cheerleading one from Rite Aid that chants “cookies, cookies, cookies ‘n’ cream” — it has a soft body and a hard plastic head, so you can just cut the cloth away from the body and it comes off easily.
4. Now that the head is off the body, play with the hair — you only live once.
5. OK, now cut off all the hair.
6. Rinse her head in the sink and wipe off your table, because the haircut will probably have created tiny stubs of hair that you're breathing.
7. Anyway, draw a line around her head where you want to cut.
9. Pull out her hair stubs from the inside of her head with your fingernails. If you feel weird that this is actually what you’re doing on a Saturday night, put on HOT 97 — it's really good on Saturday nights.
10. Now plug up the empty hair-holes in her scalp. Nail polish, I guess? Also, this fine-art project is definitely going to give you cancer (or has already given you cancer).
11. Now for the wine glass part. (Oh, and hopefully your doll's eyes are encased in plastic inside her head, as this one's are, or you might have to do some additional sealing, or just abandon the project.)
12. Spend a few minutes trying to saw through the stem of your plastic glass with a serrated knife — or just the knife part of your corkscrew — and then quit, because it’s impossible.
13. Use the corkscrew and its little corkscrew knife to open a new bottle of wine. The knife part has plastic powder on it from the glass you were trying to saw, so plastic powder gets on the mouth of the bottle you’re opening, which pours into your glass (you've been drinking wine from a real glass this whole time), so you’re drinking plastic now as well.
14. Wrap the plastic glass in a paper towel so it won’t shatter everywhere, and then beat it with a hammer until the wine-holding part has been all crushed away.
15. Great! Now it’s time to put the stem and the baby head together.
16. If the stem doesn't fit in the neck hole, hit it more with the hammer until it looks like it should.
17. Spend like 25 minutes trying to cram the doll head onto the stem of the plastic wine glass. Cry. No, don’t cry, but feel like you could if you wanted.
18. But seriously why won’t it just fit on the fucking thinggg.
19. More hammering and then cramming.
20. OK, the baby's head is on the stem.
21. Rinse it out.
22. Test it with water; it’s covered in holes and therefore useless.
23. Well, there you go. You’re done! You can now get rid of alllll your other glasses and cups.
Related/next: Barbie-head shot glasses.