Gym-Going for the Awkward Woman
If you're anything like me, which is to say a socially awkward, un-athletic weirdo, going to the gym is basically a string of uncomfortable situations that make you want to run away forever. Even just putting on my dorky workout gear brings me immediately back to taking an inhaler break in middle school gym class while the tall, sweatless girls effortlessly lapped me. And yet! I have been a successful regular gym go-er for over ten years (brag).
I think Science has proven pretty conclusively that working out is good for a person. Even better, if you have an anxious nature, it’s one of the best ways I’ve found to offset worry and depression. If you’re not going to the gym because you think it’s its own sweaty world with strange social rules, well, you’re right. You should go anyway, though. Here are some things I’ve learned. Maybe they will help you? Or maybe you're one of those tall, sweatless girls all grown up, in which case carry on.
1. Machines
Don’t be afraid of the machines. Most of them are actually self-explanatory, once you situate yourself. Large, grunty men have strange, unparseable rules for the weight machines, like if they leave a towel on one even though they’re not using it, they will get mad if you try to use it. Dudes (always dudes) will ask if they can “rotate in.” The answer is no. Defend your machine territory. There’s a thigh machine where you open your legs wide. It feels very crotchy and awkward. It looks as weird as it feels.
The sign that says there’s a 30-minute time limit on cardio machines is a lie. Some jerk will hog that treadmill for an hour. If you stand around waiting for a cardio machine, you could be there for a very long time. Better to go do something else.
2. Buds
Lots of people at the gym want to make friends. Examples: the super-skinny older lady who says semi-racist things about the staff out loud to herself in an attempt to trick people into conversation; the guy with the monkey foot toe shoes who wants to talk about his shoes; the man in the sleeveless t-shirt who wants to correct your form, and who at first seems like maybe he’s a trainer but you slowly realize doesn’t work there at all.
Maybe for some people, having gym friends is comforting. The gym, where everybody knows your name. For me, the gym is where I most want to be anonymous, to get in and get out without having to negotiate a lot of small talk. I’m sweaty and vulnerable and have to take my clothes off at some point. I am not at the top of my game, social-interaction-wise. Even really nice, normal people can make things weird. There’s a lady I see every single week because we both go at lunch. One time, we had this conversation:
Her: Hey, do you work at [book publisher in the same building as the gym]?
Me: No, but I work down the street.
Her: Yeah, I see you here all the time. What’s your name?
Me: Audrey.
Her: I’m [unintelligible].
Me: Sorry?
Her: [unintelligible]. Like [unintelligible]?
Me: [too embarrassed to ask again] Oh OK, hi!
For YEARS, I saw this woman several times a week. She is a super nice person, the kind who uses your name a lot to show she knows it. So she’d be like “Oh hi Audrey, good to see you! Audrey, how are you?” and I would have to be like, “Hey! Hiiii! Good! And you?” I tried everything I could think of to find out her name, because the idea of asking again was too awful. I finally overheard someone else say her name. It was Sarah? How could I not understand that? Now I just smile tersely and nod at the people I see over and over again, and they can tell not to talk to me. Though I talk to Sarah every time, and make sure to use her name a lot. Am I over-doing it now with the name? I worry about things like this.
3. Classes
Counterintuitively, classes are great if you are shy or feel silly about working out. You can stand in the back where no one can see you, and someone else is in charge. The instructor will ensure that you’re doing all the right things, and the people you imagine giving your workout style the side eye can suck it, because the instructor knows what she’s doing. Further, once the class starts, you need not interact with anyone. Get in, get out. Perfect gym day.
4. Nudity
I feel an intense need not to be weird about nudity. What am I, some kind of repressed American? Who can’t be naked with other ladies? No. Fight the urge to change in the bathroom stall. Force yourself to applaud the women who blow dry their hair in just a thong. They are so free! No big deal! It’s actually kind of nice to see what lots of different shapes of humans look like without clothes on. It makes a person feel more normal-looking, to see that other, pretty ladies also have a weird thigh bulge or tummy roll, or cellulite or stretch marks. However, there are limits. I once saw a woman straight up change her tampon in the locker room — pop the old one out, put in on the bench, pop in a new one. Wow.
To me, the strangest part of being naked with strangers is negotiating space. Someone needs to get past you to get to their locker. You need to share the bench. You have to talk to a naked person, or be talked to, naked. Where do you look? How do you not accidentally check out their boobs? How do you not accidentally brush past their naked butt? It happens. Everyone feels weird about it, or has gotten used to it. Try not to fixate.
And look, if you are worried about the showers, feel free to bring flip-flops. I don’t and I’ve never gotten a foot disease, but then again the flip-flopped women look at me like I am disgusting. Hey, lady, maybe you’re the one with the foot disease, ever think of that?
5. Farts
Gyms are farty. I guess the exertion squeezes out the toots from people. Yoga especially, but also running. Try and get all of your farting done before you get there, I suppose. When someone around me cuts a bad one, I am torn between being a kind and adult human being who ignores bodily functions because hey, we all fart, and making the EW WHO FARTED face to show that it wasn’t me. He who smelt it dealt it/she who denied it supplied it, etc.
6. Accidents Happen
In the end, it is pretty inevitable that you will do something embarrassing at the gym. My husband, who I have converted into a gym-goer with my gentle wisdom, has flown off of moving treadmills cartoon-style more than once. Gents, if you do this, apparently nice ladies from neighboring treadmills will come over and see if you are okay. Good way to meet chicks?
Once, when I was taking a step aerobics class “ironically” and “because it’s so hilarious” (I love step aerobics, don’t tell anyone) my step wasn’t assembled correctly. While executing a kicky little twirl, I stepped on the wobbly part of the bench and it popped up, flipping into the women next to me and smacking her in the leg and sending me flying forward, where I landed on my ankle weird. They had to stop the class and go get some first aid guy while I mumbled “I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine” and hobbled around unconvincingly. Eventually I had to sign a release form that I wouldn’t sue. Though I didn’t ever go back to that class I am still gymming.
So the moral of the story is: Go the gym! It’s not so scary, once you get the hang of it. Or the parts that are scary, you eventually get used to. It has not made me thin or athletic or socially able (obviously!) but it is something I do that actively adds to my happiness, every time I go.
Previously: Simple Drinks for Stupid People.
Audrey Ference writes Sex With the Natural Redhead for The L Magazine.
126 Comments / Post A Comment
- Sort by:
- Chronological
- Reverse-Chronological
- Popularity
Post a Comment
Haven't read this yet, but I live in fear of the gym for these very reasons, so this post's very existence excites me greatly.
The #1 reason I don't go to the gym (besides hatred, incompetence and laziness) is fear of the machines. Thanks Audrey!
@likethestore I know! I always thought that people who go to the gym were somehow born with this knowledge of how the machines worked and it was just something that I would never know.
@likethestore I was afraid of them too, then I decided to just try them. AND, true story, a handsome personal trainer randomly gave me an extremely helpful tip almost immediately. The universe wants you to use the machines!
If you're shy and easily embarrassed (like me), take spin. Get there early and sit in the back, no one can see you struggling away and the biggest bonus is that it's in the dark. However skip boxing classes, numerous humiliating things happened in there, the least of which was me nearly breaking my wrist the first time I threw a punch.
@shenannies YES! My twice-weekly spinning class is completely in the dark. And that's the ONLY reason I have a gym membership. I do everything else outside until it's too cold, then I move it indoors where I've transformed my bedroom into a workout room. And just so nobody's confused, I only do all of this due to my deep and abiding love of cheese.
@shenannies In the dark? Really? I am intrigued. I'll have to ask my gym-going friends if that's true of our local gym. I feel like all potentially embarassing exercise should done under the cover of darkness.
@shenannies Spin classes are the best! Super fun and hardly anyone notices when/if you mess up. My classes have a pretty good mix of beginners and advanced people, too, so if I need to back off and be slow for a while it's totally fine. I was super intimidated by spin classes at first, but there's really nothing to be afraid of- except of course sweating yourself to death. But other than that, totally cool.
@kayjay Never taken a spin class but Ive seen them and Ive wondered why they always had the lights off.
@shenannies : Oh wow, that's funny- that's exactly why I HATE spin! For some reason, no matter HOW many classes I took, the instructor ALWAYS singled me out just me, asked doubtfully "have you done spin before?" and then "helpfully" adjusted my bike to the "correct" position. Even when I'd had that same instructor before and had the bike in the same position as last time!
So of course, my insecurities assumed it's because I'm a larger person (I'm really in pretty good shape, I'm just bigger than other classmates) and they think a "fat" person can't possibly have taken spin classes. Seriously, I stopped them entirely b/c after this happening to me literally about ten times in a row, I couldn't take it anymore. Maybe it's just New York Sports Club?
@jule_b_sorry Not unique to NY Sports Club. I belong to a pretty small gym in upstate NY, and everytime I take a class on a different day than my usual routine, I get the "Are you new to class? Do you need some help?" followed by the whispered "Are you okay?" DURING class song-and-dance. It's because I am not thin by any stretch of the imagination. But I also work out every single day and run 6 miles in the morning before the rest of the world has had a chance to make coffee. After careful observation, I have determined that thin, new-to-class women do not get treated with kid gloves like I do. However, once they see I don't get winded, they usually clam up. I don't take it personally. When I was thin, I thought all heavy people were in poor shape, too. I know better now.
God. I could talk about the gym forever. I used to work for the corporate office of a national chain of gyms, and occasionally, when we had time, (which was never,) my co-workers and I would go take a class together. The unspoken rule was that everyone would go to a separate locker bay to change. Being naked around strangers is okay, being around naked co-workers, is not okay.
PS. I saw someone change her pad once, but tampon definitely trumps that!
@punkahontas This is the second time I've felt compelled to write this on the Hairpin today: What is wrong with people?
Which means I really need to do more work tomorrow and stop playing here.
@shenannies I feel like I could spend all day saying WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
I don't even own workout clothes! On the rare occasion I go to the gym I'm in like, khaki shorts and dress socks. And I have to keep pushing my glasses up like a NERD. I could probably fix this problem for under $20, but not going to the gym seems easier.
@distrighema ahhhah, I'm in love with you.
@distrighema I have the exact same problem, so always end up wearing seriously minging leggings and an old Metallica t-shirt (because it is the only one big enough to disguise the seismic ripples that energetic movement causes to run across my flabby bits). I once caught myself singing along to "I'm every woman" in said get up on the treadmill. Eesh.
I sort of missed out on learning how to use gym machines and now have trust issues with exercise equipment. I guess I have to woman up now?
@dinos I was you! Here's what helped me: I joined a gym that offered a free training session, and I straight up told the nice woman assigned to me that I was terrified of losing a limb on the equipment (THANKS PRODUCT LIABILITY LAWYER MOMMY). We used the session to have her show me how to start and stop cardio equipment and how to adjust the weight and seat settings on strength training machines. Worked like a charm. If you don't get a free session, just tell the manager at the gym you belong to that you need some assistance with the equipment, someone will help you.
@Jolie Kerr "Ask an Active Person" up next! But thanks! I will have to look into the free training session when gym-choosing. Riiight after I learn how to ask for help.
@dinos same here!
@dinos OMG TAKE CLASSES! Even if it's only temporarily. Stalk Groupon for good deals. I was able to (mostly?) figure out the machines, but much more terrifying to me were the free weights.
In January, though, I got a Groupon for a ton of fitness classes at a few gyms in Chicago and found one that's AMAZING. If you find any classes that do circuit training (which sounds awful but really isn't), DO IT. Once you go a few times you'll learn so many exercises that you'll finally be comfortable replicating them on your own.
What I SUPER love about this fact is the sad truth that when my Groupon runs out, I can't afford the classes I love anymore so I'm truly excited to see how easy it is for me to remember a wide range of exercises using machines, free weights, and even nothing at all. I can finally do more than just the elliptical! SUCCESS!
@SBGBlogs I'm in Chicago! Which gym is awesome?? I hope it's near me or my work or my grad school or…where the hell am I going to find time for this.
@dinos Here's how I learned to ask for help in re the gym: I reminded myself over and over and over again that I was PAYING to use this place, and if I was paying for it, damn it, I was going to use it. That makes asking easier, for me at least.
@dinos I would definitely sign up to contribute to Ask an Active Person! Full disclosure so when you all meet me next week you're not like, "Bitch please – look at you, why would I take exercise advice from you??": I'm in a heavy phase right now. (Having some depression issues, no biggie.) But for the past 6 months or so I've been really trying hard hard hard to get myself out of it and the gym is a big part of it. So! I have tons of thoughts about what works and what's weird and anxiety-causing and if anyone wants a pep talk or anything you can email me at the cleaning email address!
Did you guys know that some gyms have sign-up sheets to use the machines? It's true. I work for a university and I've used one of its gyms a few times in winter. The first time I went, I chose a random treadmill and started running. After a while I noticed a guy patiently standing near me and eyeing the machine, even though there were lots of empty ones. He finally approached me and politely explained that he had signed up to use that machine at 7 pm or whatever. I was totally confused, but I let him have it. Then I walked away and saw the table of sign-up sheets.
The moral is, check for sign-up sheets to avoid looking like a clueless asshole! Maybe this is only a university-gym phenomenon, but still.
Talking about the gym is one of my favorite pastimes. Look, I live in rural America. The gym is an exciting place where I can see other people who are not my students or colleagues. I have learned so much about men by going to the gym. They are so… mannish there and that is not necessarily a compliment. They're especially instructional, especially if you dare to breach the free weight area. I am often forced to say, "I think I can handle this dumbbell all by myself." If I want a trainer, I will hire one. Also, the towel thing is fascinating, particularly when they abandon the towel for half an hour. And they sweat a lot, over everything and when they don't wipe that sweat, I get nauseous. This one guy leaves puddles, literally, around the exercise bike and then walks away and I want to die just knowing someone like this lives in the world. I only wish I had an invisibility cloak when I am at the gym because I'm tall and awkward and shy and so yes, I know I look ridiculous on the treadmill or lifting weights or otherwise existing, and I'm extraordinarily self-conscious about it. Are you looking at my speed? My incline? Is my gait wrong? Am I going too slow? Am I taking too long? Are my boobs bouncing too much? Are these sweatpants clinging to my thigh fat? Am I sweating too much? What's that smell? Is it me? It's kind of like sex. And now of course, I'm off to the gym.
@FoxyRoxy
I love you. Maybe b/c you are basically me at the gym? That makes it all sound sick and wrong, but I think that's it.
My most awkward moment at the gym happened yesterday when a lesbian couple started having a straight-up couple-y fight in the locker room ("Fine!" "Don't 'FINE' me!") and I was the only other person in our little area, and I was naked, and I wanted to be like, "Don't mind me, ladies!"
"the guy with the monkey foot toe shoes who wants to talk about his shoes"
'Scuse me, but we of the monkey foot toe shoe tribe don't talk while working out. We only acknowledge each other with a knowing glance and a toe wiggle.
I'd advise nervous gym-goers to set up an introductory workout with a trainer (they're usually free) or recruit a friend who goes to the gym regularly (or even one who doesn't, so at least you have solidarity). Also, tour your gym during high traffic hours–if it seems like everyone there is in a P90X infomercial, your discomfort will probably not go away easily.
@applestoapples **knowing glance/toe wiggle**
I go to the gym a lot, and my boyfriend and friends are always like, "Hey, we should take XYZ class together!" and I'm like, "No!" Gym time is my time to look dorky and flail around and stretch all the weird, embarassing things that need to be stretched. I don't want you to see me do this, and if you do encounter me while I'm in the act, pretend like you didn't see me.
@parallel-lines Also, everyone I know who's made a friend at the gym has told me that gym friend is racist and it makes everything super awkward if you try to integrate them with real life friends. So sometimes I'm at the gym worried I'm secretly surrounded by racists and that makes me run faster on the treadmill.
my yoga teacher got a foot disease from being barefoot at the gym (where she teaches me yoga)! Flip flops!!! (no I DO NOT have a foot disease Audrey… though when I forget my flip flops I do walk to the shower on tip toes like THAT will protect me!)
@FromTheFuture It really does depend on the gym. I think my current gym's locker room floor is cleaner than my own. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how clean my gym is. My OLD gym, however, NO WAY would I go flip-flop free.
"Days," by Deborah Eisenberg–great story, similar subject.
I have never felt so fortunate to have a gym in the basement of my apartment building. I don't have to deal with any of this. Although I do miss the classes. And I once ended up on a treadmill next to a guy generating an inhuman quantity of sweat and it was so horrifying and distracting I didn't go back to the gym for weeks.
I also love that the premise of this article is "How to make going to the gym less awkward" but ends up being a sort of laundry list of deeply mortifying things that have happened to Audrey and make the socially inept among us start to have sympathy panic attacks. That said, it is fantastic.
Everyone will fart in your pilates class at least once, and if you start uncontrollably giggling afterwards people are going to think you're far weirder for the giggling than the farting OH WELL.
@heb: I once went to a yoga class at a resort during which some poor woman cut the cheese regularly (and loudly and long) at least 8-10 times. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud in pigeon pose and thus strain butt muscles.
I used to think the gym made me nervous. Then I joined the Y and signed up for a four month thing where a trainer checks in on you once a month to make sure you're going and maintaining your set schedule. I did it and then when it was over I immediately stopped going. I'm just extremely lazy.
I took step class last week because it was the only thing available and I LOVED it. I kept laughing at myself for not getting some of the steps and ended up having a great time…the type A lady behind me, not so much.
@whereismyrobot True fact: good instructors make the steps especially confusing so you focus more on trying to figure them out than how out of breath you are.
@DorothyMantooth Oh dear god, that is EXACTLY what it felt like! It turned into laughing yoga.
@whereismyrobot
I totally love aerobics classes. I love the cheesy dance mixes. I love it when I'm in a class long enough to actually learn the routines…such an accomplishment for someone so uncoordinated! I used to have this awesome instructor named Raquel who kicked our asses…dang, I miss her
I love step aerobics TOO!
@DorothyMantooth Ahhhh no I BADLY reinjured my busted ankle in a step class junior year of college and now the very phrase "step aerobics" makes me flinch.
In the two times I have hurt myself at the gym, the equipment itself was never the culprit. One injury was due to an ineptly placed trashcan. The other was happened when I tripped over the cord to a treadmill and subsequently landed on a (thankfully) unoccupied exercise bike.
These rules also apply to awkward guys, such as myself! I loathe the dudes who use the weight benches as their towel/water-bottle rest – but I have seen ladies do this too!
Also, I hate being eye-raped by pervs, especially in the locker room. I am a gay, so I def understand the urge to look. Glancing is fine – but staring and/or making eye-contact is not allowed.
Can anyone share the secret of how to find an affordable gym? (Or is it just to get a job that pays more than $16,000 a year?) I think working out regularly would help my mental health a lot, not to mention my physical health, but I can't get over the fact that even the Y costs more than my utility bills. The park district gyms, while cheaper, close before I get home from work.
(Things I've tried: DVDs and handweights, going outside. But I'd really like to use some machines.)
@wallsdonotfall
Where do you live? I'm in a big city. My old gym was in a strip mall and only costs $25 a month. Maybe look for the strip-mall type gyms? It was nice…nothing fancy, no classes, but clean with nice equipment.
Yes, working out does help my mental health a ton! Maybe just take a walk or a jog around a park until you find a gym?
@chevyvan I'm in Chicago, so I do bike along the lakeshore. But there are no strip malls near me, and I know I won't use a gym if it's more than two L stops away. Are you talking about a Curves type of place?
(Chicagoans near Lincoln Square: Is Women's Workout World on Lawrence as grody as it looks from the outside?)
@wallsdonotfall If you don't mind doing workout videos at home, get the 30 Day Shred. It's quite cheesy (in the "You Can Do It Ladies!" way) but it's good.
@wallsdonotfall Cheetah gym on Clark/Foster is probably the cheapest/best near you. it's great! right now they're running a promo for $59/month, no fees (which, I knoooow, is still kind of a lot). also, Chicago Fitness Coach has YouSwoop deals every so often that will blow your mind (like $29 for 3 months unlimited boot camp! it was amazing). they have a location right by the Irving Park brown line (kinda close to you?). get yo' fit on!
@wallsdonotfall I created an account just to reply to you. I know you said the park district gyms close before you get home, but some of them stay open late(ish). I pay $16/month for a park district gym (Margate Park Fieldhouse, Argyle is the nearest L) and it closes at 9:30. Maaaybe that would work? Nothing fancy but it has machines and I can afford it. Those were all of my criteria. Also I can vouch for the cheesiness AND effectiveness of 30 Day Shred.
@wallsdonotfall
I'm in Chicago too. Have you looked into Xsport or Cardinal Fitness? There has to be ONE of those near by, right? They are both cheap. I also think Bally Total Fitness is cheap, but not sure.
@wallsdonotfall Fellow Lincoln Square resident here! I used to be a member of Women's Workout World and I would advise you to stay away! The music they play is so loud and awful and impossible to drown out even with my ipod turned up all the way. Also, it is super crowded in the evenings and hard to get a machine. Also, locker rooms=yuck. Unfortunately no Xport around these parts. I'm looking for a new gym myself.
Aaah I love you all. Yes, 30 Day Shred is actually my favorite (except whyyyyyy can't you skip the intro), just embarrassing/impossible when my dude is at home. But apparently the Welles Park fieldhouse is open until 9? And works out to around $16/month? So maybe that is what I will do. Thank you!
@wallsdonotfall I've heard that the WWW on Lawrence is pretty grody but cheap. I've also seen deals through costco for Xport. You pay for a 1 or 2 year membership, but it works out to be pretty cheap. Like a couple hundred dollars if you can afford to pay it up front.
@winchesterwolcott The Y near the Paulina Brown Line is only $47 a month… not necessarily cheap but a lot cheaper than a lot of other places, and I will vouch for its cleanliness.
Swimming is a great way to work out because NOBODY knows if you fart or not.
Also, Chicago Hairpin meetup?
@wallsdonotfall As a former Lincoln Square resident and a dude, I lamented the fact that I was within steps of a gym that I could not attend because I am not a woman. And there are seriously NO other gyms around there!
I ended up driving to the World Gym in Uptown twice a week. You can haggle them down to a $30-some / month contract, and it includes a free session with a trainer to teach you the machines and set up a customized workout – and you can be honest and say "I'll come here once or twice a week at most", and they will put together something to fit your schedule.
Didn't someone set up an email address to coordinate a Chicago meetup? Let's do it.
@wallsdonotfall Who did this?
@winchesterwolcott It's in this huge and terrifying post, but @josiah apparently set up chicagohairpin@gmail.com to coordinate. I don't know if anything has come of that, but hey! Anyone reading this in Chicago! Email that address, and then email me if you hear nothing and we can organize something: wallsdonotfall@gmail.
@wallsdonotfall Yes, I can plan this! Email me if you're interested!
@wallsdonotfall Re: 30 Day Shred being "embarrassing and impossible when my dude is at home" I so completely empathize. I was just doing it tonight, like an hour ago, and my boyfriend came in the door and I was like "don't look at me! go away!" So.
@josiah Chicago meetup yes please!
Just know that EVERYBODY looks awkward at the gym. If someone's looking at you, they're either thinking that you look awesome (I tell myself this must be the reason like 98% of the time!) or they're thinking about how thankful they are that someone else is joining them in looking awkward. Even the trainers look silly most of the time. Once you learn to go with it, it's much more fun.
Also, do not worry about the nudity. Once you've seen a few grandmas strutting around in their birthday suits, you'll get over the shyness.
@clevernamehere Word. Nothing like a topless granny to shake you out of your self-consciousness.
@clevernamehere I used to lifeguard at a gym with a pool – nothing makes you feel better about they way you look in a bathing suit than old men in speedos. eesh.
@clevernamehere I go to two gyms, one near my work and one near home. The one near home is all old ladies who strut around nude. The one near work is mostly undergrads, and they are so.self.conscious. They all shower in thier bathing suits and hide behind locker doors to change and I want to tell them all to just get over it. Also, I feel like they are judging me for taking my bathing suit off to shower.
Also they have really personal conversations in the sauna about boys and diets like I'm not even there. I like my other gym better.
My fancy, crazy-expensive Equinox gym is one the best people watching spots ever in whole world. Seriously, it's up there with the Vegas airport. Gawking at rich ladies with big boobs attached to skeletal bodies with a full face of makeup on can easily take me through an hour run.
I CANNOT SUPPORT THOSE WEIRD TOE SHOES. Seriously, though-they are hideous. I don't care how great they feel on your feet. I want them gone, off the earth. Doesn't anyone recognize a hideous trend anymore; they're like the claw bangs of 2011. STOP.
@hotdog Those toe shoes traumatize me too. In graduate school, I knew someone who wore them to fancy events and it was disconcerting, to say the least, to see someone in a lovely outfit paired with… shoes where her toes were individually visible.
Last night at the gym my treadmill started fluctuating up and down by as much as a mile an hour, which made me feel like I was about to be in a Youtube video. Point is, the gym is great even though it is mega awksauce, and you shouldn't be afraid of the machines…but maybe keep an eye on them.
I've been a regular gym-goer for years and no one. NO ONE. Has ever talked to me. Except once. Old dude. I was having trouble opening my locker and he put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder and said "it's hard to remember all those numbers, isn't it." Overall, I find gyms very not awkward. Everyone seems to just mind their own business and do their thing, in my experience.
I sweat like hell though. Maybe that's why no one talks to me. Seriously. I sweat EVERYWHERE. If I don't wear the right kind of pants, it looks like I've pissed myself. If I was a different sort of person, I'd be humiliated. Luckily I've adopted the "father of a middle school daughter" type attitude where I say (to myself, in my head) stuff like "I'm not here to impress people" or "this is a gym, not a fashion show."
"Am I over-doing it now with the name? I worry about things like this."
So, Audrey, are you secretly me? Because I worry about this shit all of the time. I also reaaally hate it when people use your name over and over again. It's like they went to some weekend retreat with a stupid name like "Initiating Success" and now they think they will make a million dollars by repeating other peoples' names.
Also, I mostly do not like gyms.
I loved this article!! Thanks for reminding me that other people are as nuerotic as I am
I could go on and on about this, since I was terrified of the gym until about age 28 and now love it, look forward to it, best part of my day, keeps me sane, etc….but the upshot is: Nobody's looking at you! They're too busy looking at their own butt/thigh fat/biceps/bald spot! Once you realize that, it gets a lot less embarassing. Oh, and mostly, the trainers are really nice people who genuinely want to help you get stronger/lose weight/whatever.
Ok this is my BIGGEST gym fear: How do I keep people from stealing my stuff??? On blogs in my city, there's always posts about locked lockers getting broken into sooo am I supposed to run on the treadmill with some weird fanny pack to hold my wallet, cell phone, and keys? Or do I just accept that going to the gym means I might get robbed, just as I accept it as part of living in a city?
Seriously this keeps me from joining a gym, so help!
@franceschances Join a gym that has little personal-item lockers at the front desk, where they'll give you a key you can pin onto your clothes while you do your thing.
Also, locked lockers getting broken into? I live in a major city and belong to the YMCA and have never heard of this happening, and there are some shady characters about.
@itmakesmewonder There's one gym that's notorious for it, but I've heard of it happening in other places. I guess I'll look for the personal-item lockers, but otherwise have to count it as the cost of not living in the boondocks.
I got to my company's work gym at work and it is extra awkward 1) overdressing to hide tattoos, 2) avoiding the alpha males I work with all grunting and wearing short shorts and those shirts with giant arm-holes, 3) avoiding bosses at all costs, 4) yes, coworker, I am sweaty and wearing an old t-shirt with a giant smiley face on it!
This is all in addition to the usual gym awkwardness.
@ambling This is why I don't work out at the campus rec center. Too much stress.
I ogle the tushes of the ladies on the machines in front of me. It feels really good to admit that. I'm sorry for being a pervy pig
@Jolie Kerr: Better to ogle than to do what I do, which is compare and contrast and then feel either smugly superior or instantly depressed.
the guy with the monkey foot toe shoes who wants to talk about his shoes;
I dated this guy and I want to throw those fucking shoes in a fucking fire.
This makes me feel so much better since I'm thinking about joining the gym, and I am definitely an awkward woman. Although the gym doesn't have spin or step aerobics (yes it's a $10 a month gym, but in my defense, I'm a college student). It does have some other aerobic classes though.
I was just thinking everything in this article yesterday. I go to the gym in the evenings at the time when the least people seem to be there, but as soon as it starts filling up with grunty men more than 3 machines from me, I have to leave or I'll have a panic attack.
so with you on the benefits. i extoll to everyone who will listen that exercise is the most effective (and cheap! if you run outside) anti-depressant EVER. also love making playlists with corny pop music (kesha, rihanna dominate) for sweating out my feeeeeeelings
Maaan. I live within four blocks of two gyms. In one direction is a huge, expensive, national chain gym. In the other is a tiny fitness center inside a public park district that suuuuuper cheap. I figured there'd be fellow fitness misfits populating the smaller gym so I signed up.
And it's MOSTLY been very, very, old people coming in after their chair aerobics or low impact swimming classes AND kids who belong to the after school program on the premises wandering in to push buttons on the machines or try to use the leg press with their arms. There's the odd suuuuper hot guy or suuuuuper fit girl there, but I've found my gym home.
I'm free to be as awkward as I want. It's literally the best.
I quit my gym because a. the personal trainers were obnoxious and I consistently wanted to slap them and say "I'm in law school and that's why I don't have a pilates body, fuck you" and b. because the old ladies in the locker room would BLOW DRY THEIR PUBES with the communal hair dryers. Yes, I'm serious.
Ooooh I should totally write a Gym-Going for the Awkward Fat Woman.
Special topics to include:
- how to manage showering when the towels they give you are obscenely small,
- which yoga poses are most likely to result in you being suffocated by your own tits,
- where to stand during classes so as little of you as possible is visible in the wall-sized mirror,
- how much the treadmill is allowed to rattle before you really should consider switching to a different machine,
- the proper use and placement of towels to pad one's ass while on the super-tiny seated bikes,
- how to deal with the paradox that people give you grief for being a fattie at THEIR gym, while simultaneously wishing you'd do something to lose the weight
- etc.
@cherrispryte I am sure they would allow you to bring your own towels.
@kitten_witawip yes, but then I'm carrying around a wet towel all day.
@cherrispryte Most gyms have plastic bags for wet stuff. Also find a gym with a recumbent bike, they have full size seats and back support.
http://www.fit-shop.com/images/equipment/cybex/cybex-cyclone-recumbent-bike.jpg
@cherrispryte This is such an amazing idea, SERIOUSLY. Also, plow + 260 lbs = not-so-sexy-self-asphyxiation.
@kitten_witawip But then she'd be carrying around a bag with a wet towel in it all day.
@cherrispryte They do make these super absorbent towels that are incredibly light weight and dry pretty fast. I think I bought mine at bed bath beyond, but maybe amazon?
@cherrispryte This is a great idea and I actually would LOVE to read a longer post on this topic! It's a dilemma – go to they gym to get in shape, and then get the side-eye for not being in-shape enough to look good at the gym! Although, it still beats jogging outdoors and being hassled/encouraged/commented on by every jerk passing in their car…
@kitten_witawip I've had gym memberships nearly continuously since I was 11 years old, I know from recumbent bikes. I was working with a physical trainer a few years ago and he insisted on putting me on a spin bike, which was very, very not cool.
As to everyone else re:towels, there is a trick about using 2 tiny towels and overlapping them under your armpits and keeping your arms clenched at your sides as you apply underwear and pants/whatever. So that is what I do now, feel free to try it yourself!
@cherrispryte Ugggh the worst is child's pose. I can't get my stomach to touch my thighs because my boobs are in the way!
@cherrispryte I pay extra to rent a locker so that I can leave my own extra large towel in it instead of using an itty gym towel. I need your post.
To everyone who has gym issues around locker rooms, I have been going to gyms off and on for about 10 years and almost never use them. The only times I've used them is when I visit friends gyms with them. My gym is nearby and I change at home. It also gives you one less excuse not to go.
As a formerly super awkward gym-goer who is now only slightly awkward, I love this post! I've been gymming it up for about 8 years now. The first few times I went, I thought everyone was eyeing my chub, but then I realized that most of the dudes are just there to watch themselves flex, some of the chicks are there to watch the dudes flex and everyone else just there to sweat. Except old Canadians, man, those fuckers are chatty.
Also, to learn how to use the machines, I started posting up on a treadmill nearby and watching those who seemed to know what they're doing.
Love this post and love your writing! Also I want to be friends with you. Thanks, Audrey!
TOOTS! the best. this all makes me nostalgic for being the awkward girl at the gym
Totally late to the party on this one but the opening two sentences of the farting section made me actually cry tears with laughter. I guess I'm immature. Also I am slightly overweight and not very sporty but I LOVE the gym, I air guitar, dance and lip sync while running on the treadmill and everything. My current gym is outside the (small) town I live in and although I have to walk half an hour to get there, all the machines are in front of this huuuuge window with a view of the mountains and you can run and run and pretend you can run allllll the way to the top of them. Whilst air-guitaring of course. It's great.
By which I mean, everyone leaves you alone to sweat and be gross all by yourself cos they think you're deeply odd. Win-win.
For those of you with an iphone or ipod touch, download the Nike Training Club app. It has a whole whack of different workouts and the only equipment you'll need is stuff they have at the gym, like dumbells, jump ropes and medicine balls. Grab a mat, stake yourself out a little corner, put in your earbuds and follow along. Yes, at times you may look a little awkward and yes, sometimes you end up doing pelviandc thrusts in a crowded gym, but the workouts will kick your ass and there are instructional videos if you don't know what to do.
It's perfect for when you can't afford a trainer and you feel like you aren't really using the machines to their full advantage. And it makes you sweat like a beast and leaves you sore for a few days after, so you know it's working!
@batgirl I second this app! Warning though: it's insane. Like, really hard. But there is no way this could not make you look good. Also, I think that bystanders would recognize the exercises you're doing as being really hard, so I feel like you get a free pass to look awkward.
Also, the app is FREE!
@batgirl Oooh, this is intriguing. I am too broke to afford a trainer right now but feel like an idiot on the machines.
@cherrispryte Do it! It's awesome and as Tammy Pajamas mentioned above, super hard and intense. Be prepared to be kind of hurting for a few days though!
omg "I am torn between being a kind and adult human being who ignores bodily functions because hey, we all fart, and making the EW WHO FARTED face to show that it wasn’t me. He who smelt it dealt it/she who denied it supplied it, etc.". giggling like my 7 yr old daughter.
My story, if it helps:
As a weak, scrawny dude who was reminded of these traits daily in junior high gym class, I never set foot in a gym throughout most of high school. Since gym membership was included in my college tuition, I decided to try to give it a go for 3 months to see if I noticed a difference. My first day there I felt horribly awkward. I thought I was conspicuous in my non-workout clothes, trying to figure out the machines. Then I ran into someone I knew and was mortified. But that person was glad to see me, and slowly I realized that no one was watching me, everyone was concerned with their own workout, and the machines all had directions and diagrams showing how to use them correctly.
3 months turned into 12 years and counting, and somewhere along the line I grew stronger than all those folks in junior high who made fun of me in gym class years ago. I started feeling better, gained confidence, and women started paying attention to me. Sorry this is starting to sound like an infomercial…
Anyhow, my advice to anyone, male or female, is to commit to 3 months of solid workouts 3 times a week, and see what you notice after those 3 months. You might find yourself pushing yourself to keep going back. And try your best to overcome any self-consciousness. There are lots of different body types and workout levels at every gym, but remember everyone at the gym is on the same team. Working to get / stay healthy and fit is admirable, and that's the vibe you should stick in your head while working out.
Also, don't ignore weight lifting! Treadmills and ellipticals are great, but lifting weights burns calories AND creates muscle tone. You don't have to pile on the weight and grunt and strain and all that, I promise.
@Das Rad Seriously, and I definitely recommend weight training for the ladies. You can see and feel results almost immediately. And go for the heavier weights! Wear yourself out. You do not need to do 8000 reps w/ 2 lb weights. You can do alot for yourself in a short period of time with heavier weights and stuff like squats and pushups.
@winchesterwolcott: I totally agree! I think http://www.stumptuous.com/ is possibly one of the best places to go for folks looking for lady-centric strength training advice. If you're at all interested in the free weights section and mentally giving the loud grunting dudes in the corner the finger, check out that site for advice on squatting and pull ups and push ups and all of that jazz.
@Das Rad
Agreed on weight lifting for ladies. I haven't been doing it a lot lately, but there have been times when I lifted consistently and it's the best I've ever looked. Like, one day I was putting my hair back in a ponytail and my biceps just kinda POPPED out. Whoa! And my quads got kinda hard…it was so kick ass.
I hate the gym. Googly eyes everywhere, too self-conscious, timing when to go so you don't have to rush to the machine you've been waiting to open-up when it finally does.
Also, I am so lazy, it's not actually the gym that's the problem it's GETTING to the gym. Ugh, packing stuff, forgetting stuff, traffic–timing, again–all that transit-y business to AND fro! Fuck that!
So…I work out at home. I wake up, run three miles, come back, stretch, work out my arms with some dumbbells, dips, lifts and REAL push-ups. Then I use an exercise ball to work out my back and side abs. Then I do an 8 minute pilates ab blitz (set to swedey dj Lindstrom's song Magnficient) which includes 2 'hundreds' as well as 5 other whatchamacallits ab moves; this all targets the entire core. It takes 1 hour and 20 min, depending on if I can afford to take my time or not as well as how stoned I am.
Wait, STONED? That's right! I LURVE to vaporize before I run and then after I've stretched. I'm a type A lady and something about being stoned helps me concentrate on isolating muscles, coordinating muscle groups and keeping a good form. I highly recommend!
Also, I used google maps to plot a circuitous course in my neighborhood, so even though I run 3 miles, I'm never more than 5 blocks away from my house in case of any funny business or if I'm having one of those runs that starts out well and ends halfway due to a shinsplint or what have you.
HOME WORKOUT REVOLUTION, Y'ALL! http://www.bodyrock.tv/ this chick is crazy amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.
This thread is amazing. LOVE LOVE LOVE the hairpin!
@femwanderluster
Oh man, that bodyrock lady is serious business. I've never done one of her workouts, but I just sit there and watch the videos in awe.
Go try out Equinox in Lincoln Park! It's one of the nicest fitness clubs in the Chicago area!
1750 N Clark Street
312.254.4000
Ask for Brittany
The club is modeled after a classic urban loft. Such a cool design! It's one of the largest Chicago Equinox locations and it gracefully marries exposed brick walls with raw concrete detailing. The vaulted skylight ceilings and panoramic views of Lincoln Park and Lake Michigan are truly breathtaking and make the three-story facility a warm, bustling, light-filled destination.
Come to Equinox and you'll see–you'll get results!
Commenting for the first time evar to say that my gym awkwardness is sourced from my face and what happens to it when I work out. I get really red. "Everyone gets red when they work out!" No. I mean. Really red. Like, I have a third degree sunburn someone get me to a hospital red. I have had people stop me on the street to ask if I'm ok after leaving the gym. On good days I see it as proof that I Worked Real Hard and Gave It My All. On bad days I stay home and eat cookies instead.
I’m dismayed at the contempt being tossed toward “grunting men” in the gym by thesquirrel, RK Fire, and Foxy Roxy. I realize the original post is tongue-in-cheek, but I can’t help but wonder whether all of this gym paranoia doesn’t reflect a certain class chauvinism on the part of some of you. Bodybuilding is increasingly popular among young working- and lower middle-class white, Latino, and African American men. It is an important source of self-expression for these groups, and is sexually valued by the women (and gay men) in these communities. If you go up to some of the big grunting guys and talk to them, you will also learn that many of them work in (or aspire to) professions that demand big muscles: security, police work, corrections, stripping, professional sports, mixed martial arts.
As far as grunting, an important study by Dennis G. O’Connell has shown that it is a necessary physiological response to lifting heavy weights.
I'm not sure what all this gym embarrassment and/or awkwardness is about. Have you people who are afraid even ever been to a gym? Cuz I'm pretty sure there is absolutely NO way you are the weirdest person in there.
Last time I was at the gym, I saw the following three things in the span of 20 minutes:
1. A girl intently "reading" a furniture catalog on a spin bike, including audible "tsk, tsk" noises at items she didn't care for.
2. A girl riding her bike so furiously (on the lowest resistance level possible) that she looked *exactly* like a cartoon character getting ready to run really fast. (Do not be afraid of resistance!)
3. A guy practicing his dance moves in front of the mirror. Not choreographed dance routines, but like, the moves he's gonna use at the club Saturday night. Winky faces included.
For the record, I adore step aerobics.