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People You Might Not Want to Have Casual Sex With
- People who are rude to waiters.
- People whose wives will be home — seriously — any second.
- Priests.
- People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble / complicated / confused / constipated / an Animorph.”
- People whose hobbies include throwing up in YouTube videos.
- People who pronounce it “Ann Rand.”
- People who correct people who pronounce it “Ann Rand.”
- People with toddlers who stare at you across the table while scribbling a piece of construction paper completely black with crayon.
- People who make you feel bad for talking.
- People who make you feel bad.
- People who think flirting is “Hi, my name’s Eric, those cargo pants are super-unflattering.”
- People who taught you in middle school.
- People in middle school.
- People with shrapnel in their calf from the Hundred Days’ War and are ghosts.
- Any other kind of ghost.
- People in ragged clothing who scream on the subway.
- That divorced friend of your father’s.
Anna Breslaw has written for McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the New York Times, Gawker Media, Ology Media, and Heeb Magazine online. She is a loyal consumer of Drake's Devil Dogs and sucks at cardinal direction.
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More importantly, anyone who likes "Ann Rand"
It would have saddened me if this weren't the very first comment.
I still don't know how to pronounce "Ann Rand" though.
I pronounce it like the little yelp of pain I emit involuntarily whenever I read any of her prose. "Aiiieeen!"
Ann Hog's coming?
It's as Ann as the nose on plain's face.
MARRY ME!
right. i feel like 'people who mention "ann rand" ever.
For over a decade now, I thought it was pronounced "Ann". I'd been pronouncing it "Ein" until I read somewhere on the net that this was wrong. A source that, of course, I can no longer recall.
+1 for the Animorphs reference.
I love looking at lists like this and being like 'okay, well, say you HAD to pick a top three of most tolerable ones'.
Animorph, Ayn-corrector, Lieutenant Spooks.
I would be more inclined to hook up with someone if he told me, "Girls are always falling in love with me because I am an amimorph, it never ends well". Also, props for Lieutenant Spooks.
As long as he didn't get his tortured soul stuck in a red tailed hawk morph.
Fair point, but what a great story that would be!
Ghosts for sure.
- People who talk to you like they would/should their therapist.
- Your therapist.
- Any of your clients who come to you for therapy.
See..but I have this thing for Catholic priests because they're not allowed to sleep with me and it makes me crazy!1
I… I'm constipated…
(lol jk!! but im all those other things tho)
But I pronounce it pronounce it "Ann Rand" to insult people around me who would correct me. I think that at least deserves a hanjo?
Thumbs up for "hanjo."
Yeah I know people who pronounce it Ann Rand out of disrespect. Fun fact her real name was Alisa Rosenbaum which just sounds way less evil to me, though that may well be simply from association.
I'm incredibly offended that the Hairpin would post something so backward and bigoted. YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE MAGICAL LOVE BETWEEN GHOST AND MAN.
(j/k me and the ghost waited until we were pretty serious to ahem "seal the deal")
If you're gonna use Neutral Milk Hotel songs to define your hook-up moral code, you're gonna end up in some nasty places. (Two-headed Boy? Shit's fucked up).
So THAT's what I've been doing wrong all these years! I thought I was doing great since I stopped looking to Mountain Goats songs for relationship advice!
(The song was more of a bonus free association thing than part of the joke.)
Respect for the "No Children" reference. Much respect.
ps That is way way my favorite Neutral Milk Hotel song.
So you're saying that I should stop letting my relationships be guided by the principle that "I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good thing to say?"
Being a MG fan seeing another MG fan leads to us often singing those lyrics together while wearing expressions of joy and wonder at JD's talent. Makes sense to me, but sometimes jarring to onlookers.
Ok now I have to tell my MG story (sorry in advance). I went up to Baton Rouge (from New Orleans, my home place) with my bff to see them one time, and she requested Oceanographer's Choice but JD said he wasn't ready to play it. So when we went to see them again in New Orleans the next night, we made a sign that said Oceanographer's Choice, and when we held it up they went into it IMMEDIATELY and it was THE BEST THING. Although it probably doesn't sound as awesome as it was. BUT IT WAS.
I would not kick a Plantagenet out of bed just because he's an apparition! THIS IS GHOSTISM OF THE WORST KIND!
"People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble / complicated / confused / constipated / an Animorph.”
Seriously. you THINK they're just playing hard to get, but really, they actually ARE trouble / complicated / confused / constipated / an Animorph. When bad people let you know they are bad people, you should believe them.
Wait, wait, what KIND of Animorph? Lions and tigers = yes. Giant land tortoise = no.
Sea eagle = maybe if he's hot, but be prepared for some scratching.
Finally a forum where someone can answer my question about how DO you pronounce Ayn Rand? I don't think I've ever heard it spoken out loud (not in a Voldemort way, I think I just don't hang out in the right circles? Or maybe I do?)
Also my personal rule is never hook up with a man wearing a novelty tie.
Samesies. How do you pronounce it? And you (I) hang out in the right circles, btw.
Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein…
Aw thanks kids. I secretly knew I was in the right circles all along. Now that's solved I can move on to pronouncing Annie Proulx.
i just peed a little.
Proo (?)
I believe it's pronounced EIN Rand. Pronouncing it properly always makes me feel smug. I may not like Rand, but I'm better than you because I know how her name should be said (So petty).
I was also curious and looked this very thing up on the Ayn Rand Foundation website! There I learned that she made her name up, that "Ayn" is pronounced like "Ina" only without that ultimate 'a', and she – like so many before and after – struggled with the possessive form of "it."
If you hang out in the right circles, chances are your friends actually are avoiding it in the Voldemort way
I had to look up Animorphs, therefore I am old.
TRUE STORY.
I refuse to look up Animorphs because I am old.
i don't know how to look up animorphs. so there. i'm old and dumb.
Knowing what Animorphs are makes me SORT OF old. I mean, not a tween or anything. Animorphs are sort of like Babysitter's club?? Except more badass and with aliens that have scythes on their tails.
I'm screwing a divorced ghost who screams at waiters on the subway, but we're like practically engaged, so it's ok right?
Patton Oswalt totally pronounced it "Ann Rand" in a podcast I was listening to yesterday and I felt disconcerted for a second.
If I had a nickel for every Animorph I accidentally slept with…
A randy Aynimorph
Actually, “Hi, my name’s Eric, those cargo pants are super-unflattering” has ALWAYS worked for me. And my name isn't Eric, so–I get away free!
me too! so wierd.
Best of all, I have no idea what cargo pants are, so I always get a response like: "These aren't cargo pants. Take me, you fool!"
I can safely say that I will never sleep with anyone in middle school. No promises on the rest (I see you, Father Daniel).
Okay wait, I have a marginally-related question. Due to a misspent youth, I own copies of multiple works by Ayn Rand. They are on my bookcase, in a corner (next to the Dr. Phil dieting book my father gave me, don't ask) and I am wondering if they make a bad impression. I dislike the woman and everything she stands/stood for, but I am also physically unable to throw out a book. (See: DOCTOR PHIL DIETING BOOK.) Should I throw these away? Donate them? Hide them in a closet where they will never see the light of day? HELP ME HAIRPIN.
Does your moral code allow you to deface books? Because I feel like Ayn Rand and Dr. Phil are totally asking for some sort of collage project. Or, yeah, hide them in your closet.
I've totally hidden my ancient copy of Atlas Shrugged that I read when I was 18 (and yes, I kinda sorta liked it, and yes, I was an idiot) in my sock drawer when bringing over a gentleman caller. I think this speaks for itself.
I was an English teacher and they were part of the curriculum. I dunno, I think of them as oddly ironic. And my department head pronounced it "Ann," which was so confusing and weird.
Slip the book between the pages of a porno mag for more discreet browsing.
somewhere in my parents' house, there is a copy of The Fountainhead that I wrote notes all over. it was for a class, and I am pretty sure that I realized that she was bullshit back then, but I'm still scared to open that book and look at my comments.
so, my advice is: hide them somewhere in your parents' house. or donate them somewhere? it seems kind of terrible to release Ayn Rand books into the wild, but people have to find out for themselves at some point, I guess.
A teacher assigned you The F'inhead to read?
No. You know, I read them so I could write essays on them that would get me scholarship money. And then because I was 14 and they had sex in them and that was exciting. Also at 14, the idea that I was secretly better than everyone else in my high school was really, really useful.
You could do this, http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-make-a-book-headboard/
But it may give people you DO want to have casual sex with the wrong idea…
Also there is this: Instead of using paper towels for absorbing grease off bacon or fried foods, use pages of a book. -Seems an appropriate use for the words of EIN Rand.
I vote for defacement if using them for kindling isn't an option. If you go with this method, you won't even be able to see the cover: http://www.instructables.com/id/Recycle-lamp-shade/
Please throw them away. And I say this as a professional librarian. Don't donate that shit because throwing books away is a taboo. Trash it.
Your father gave you a Dr. Phil dieting book?!? Please tell me you volleyed back with some seriously passive aggressive ammo.
I think there was some sort of "Really? Dr. Phil?" response on my part, but this was before I had realized that dieting is total and utter bullshit, so I didn't go as apeshit on him as I would have if he tried that shit today.
How wide are your bookshelves, and/or how do you feel about stacking books horizontally in front of the other books? Because, yeah, I think that if you can fit it on the shelf, a strategically placed pile of other books would simultaneously give an impression of "oh my I have so many books they've begun to accumulate in entirely new formations!" and also hide the godforsaken (I use this term lightly and often, although it probably applies) things.
(SO late on this, but oh well.)
-People who say "My little Johnny wants to meet you".
-People who call themselves little Johnny.
-People who refer to themselves in the third person. Kayjay hates that.
Corollary: People who give pet names to their penises.
Very funny!
I'll add: Anyone you meet at traffic court. (Real criminals go to court in the same building!)
But all the cute bicyclists in NYC are at traffic court these days!
Your friend's divorced dad?
It's cool. Absolutely noooo social repercussions with that one. Trust me.
Even better if it's your friend's "divorced" dad.
Except for the priest/middle school thing, you're essentially describing my ex. NOW you tell me.
Holy moly, scrolly!
Oh, Tippy! The places I've been and the thangs I've seen!
Howard Roark, as a type.
Your divorced friend's ex?
Seriously, before you hook up with anyone you've just met, check their bookshelf. If Ayn Rand is on it, run. Get the hell out of there. I've made the mistake of only discovering this the morning after and oh god, it feels so dirty.
What about a guy who buys Ayn Rand novels just to piss off his friends when they are at his loft, browsing the bookshelves? That's cute, and totally fuckable, right?!
I hope so. I hate read Rand, so … same basic thing, right?
important related question:
marry, fuck, kill- Ayn Rand, Aldous Huxley, George Orwell
Isn't that a given? F – AH, M – GO, K – AR.
men who use the term "click" instead of clit while sexting….if you cant get that right, i have reason to believe you will not be able to find it!
Autocorrect? Cut him some slack, or just downgrade to a hanjo, (god I love this word, might not save any syllables, but it does cut down on pesky consonants and my tongue needs the rest for long click-licking sessions).
lmao! i hate you for using the word click..but love you for using handjo again.
i imagine if Jo from Little Women went to a modern H.S. that would TOTALLY be her nickname! HandJo cuz ya know she aint giving up the draws!!
People who have no books. I have done this. It is still horrible, in my shamed and pretentious memory.
People whose only books are anime! And who have action figures in their bedrooms!
People who bring those action figures into play, during?
"By the power of Grayskull, I'm coming!"
"I choose you, Pikachu!"
People who act like they "gotta catch em all," and have caught anything
Also people who call magazines "books" and only use shelves for decoration.
@bluesuedeshoes People whose only books are anime might be just a hair worse than people with no books at all, even.
Shut up, Hairpin! You just haven't MET my ghost. He's different! He's much more Funky Phantom than Poltergeist.
What makes him think he's so funky?
I feel like we need to specify which Animorph we're talking (let's assume that it's however many years after the books are set, making the characters in their '20s or so; let's also assume that the BIG SPOILER didn't happen.)
Tobias or Jake? Awesome. Marco, Rachel or Cassie? Not my type, others might disagree. Ax, not so much, because he'd probably freak out and start imitating kissing sounds or something. Erek obviously couldn't work. David is RIGHT OUT.
Yes, I'm a nerd, what were you saying?
Thumbs up. Also I'd throw Marco in the to-do pile because, well, I'm not going to NOT have sex with an Animorph if the offer is on the table.
Um Marco is ALWAYS in the to-do pile. :p
Rachel? Crazy warrior model girl? YOU BET.
Now, Cassie…who am I kidding, Princess Slayer is right. This list is bullshit, because you ALWAYS fuck the Animorph. Maybe there's an Escafil device laying around in the apartment somewhere.
People who say "I've just gone off my meds."
People who use emoticons.
LOL is also unacceptable.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
ps i would totally do it with a ghost
unless it used LOL
Where do you stand on the fuckability of people who inexplicably sign all their posts
people who post a link to their blog in every single comment
I say "Ann Rand", I swear I'm not all that bad.
How about Neutra?
That's that one rodent, right?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Neutra
"The novelist/philosopher Ayn Rand was the second owner of the Von Sternberg House in the San Fernando Valley (now destroyed). A photo of Neutra and Rand at the home was famously captured by Julius Shulman."
"Noy-tra"
The rodent I believe is Nutria (Myocastor coypus). As a youngun I was captivated by stories of how they tried to turn it into the next big "in" protein, after it became an invasive pest in the South. I wasn't sure if I wanted to try it in a sandwich or just have one as a pet, but I was fascinated.
Don't sleep with people who tell you all about their interests in semi aquatic rodents.
@E NU-TREE-UHH — this is how we (in New Orleans) pronounce the overgrown rat with orange teeth that eats up all of South Louisiana and reproduces faster than guppies.
I would never eat rat, or wear it as a coat. Especially one with teeth that look like carrots.
At least they're reading. Non-readers are unacceptable, also anyone who thinks 'Friends' is funny. Horrible.
What about people who honestly were unsure about the gender of Ayn Rand until this very moment, right now? Because that is me.
guys who type all in caps all of the time
guys who hit on you when you are their waitress at a wedding they are a guest at
the only guy in your program at school
guys you meet at laundrymats
Unless they are Dr. Horrible!
Actually…that probably wouldn't have ended well.
-anyone who has a baby shoe collection
-anyone who takes their antidepressants inconsistently
-anyone who has panic attacks about sex in the first place
Gosh, I never thought about saying Annie Proulx out loud before…
People who sell knockoffs in blog comments. Unless they can get me an excellent Chloe Paraty replica.
Your dr, your neighbour and the gardener
What's wrong with "people who taught you in middle school"? Mr Hanson was hot and I would totally do him…if only I could run into him somewhere!
eleanore – The Spinsterlicious Life
I finally signed up to comment that the Animorphs reference on +100 points and I would probably be pretty into that person.
Civil War reenactors would be on my list.
imagining liz lemon saying "that's a dealbreaker" after every one of those things
I would add: People who say that they only want to have casual sex with you.
Someone who eats excessive amounts of any of the following:
pickles
pickled pig feet/quail eggs/any other pickled animal body part
horseradish
canned tuna
canned meat of any kind
chitlins
cracklins
liver/heart/some other foul blood organ
if you smell like something you ate, don't go there.
I did that last one with My dad's friend and My stepdad's friend – no regrets. They were both fun.
And I would add that I still can't believe I spent 10 years sleeping with someone who did this:
"People who make you feel bad for talking"
Should have been a red flag the first year.