Thursday, April 21, 2011


A Man, a Plan, Masturbation

I try but I cannot stay away from Rich Santos, Marie Claire's doofily heartbreaking man-blogger. Today he explains, with something approaching clumsy pride, why he rarely orgasms during sex:

I satisfy myself quite often. All this self-stimulation not only tires me out, but it creates a high standard for physical pleasure because I'm the only one who knows exactly what I want. Masturbation is isolating: I am more comfortable orgasming by myself than with another person.

He goes on: "Women have cried after sex because I didn't ejaculate" but that "I don't mind if I don't." Hmm, stop masturbating so much? I don't know, this is bumming me out.

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The stock photo they chose for that post is AMAZING.

Jolie Kerr

Poor Rich. I mean, is it possible that he just doesn't like having sex with women but doesn't really know it? Maybe he's a furry or something?

Edith Zimmerman

@Jolie Kerr He has said as much. :-/

Jolie Kerr

@Edith Zimmerman THAT HE'S A FURRY????????????????? OMG EDITH!!! "ASK A FURRY" OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!


@Edith Zimmerman Please don't listen to Jolie. This is terrifying idea.


@Edith Don't listen to BoD, he is easily terrified. But also don't ask Rich to speak for all furries; he's kinda weird. You should find a nice emotionally stable furry to oh god I can't do it I can't finish this sentence.

Edith Zimmerman

@DoctorDisaster Haha, wait, no, how did I miss the furry part? He said he doesn't like sex. Nothing about being a Furry. Although, oh wow.


@DoctorDisaster I've dabbled in the furry erotica and I can tell you that it's a treat. My spirit furry animal is the panther and I'm partial to cosplay cats. Now whether or not that makes me a true furry I can't say but when caught in a costumed encounter I can assure you oh god I can't do it I can't finish this sentence either.



I think Rich is simply yearning for the right woman--a woman with a vagina like his hand.

Jolie Kerr

@Edith Zimmerman Ha, no I knew what you meant - I was just being cheeky.


@Edith Zimmerman Would it be possible to interview Rich Santos (or the snickering cartoon dog that pretends to be him) and ask him what the fuck is up? Or does Marie Claire not allow that? Or do we not want to shatter the mythos?


@atipofthehat: A woman with a vagina like a hand? Her pants must fit like a glove...


@Edith Zimmerman haha, and this is where, years from now, the source of the persistent "Rich Santos is a Furry" rumor gets traced.


@applestoapples the ladies at Jezebel did this two years ago. http://jezebel.com/#!5130017/marie-claire-dating-blogger-leaves-us-speechless I'd love to see Hairpin ladies do it!

tea tray in the sky.

@atipofthehat "If her vagina is anything like my hand, we'll have no problems." - Your Highness (Anybody? Anybody?)


@ejcsanfran ba dum ching!

Jolie Kerr

Also: I wish I could be a regular dude and think: "Man, I'm nailing this chick right now,"

Is... is that actually what regular dudes are thinking during sex? "I'm nailing this chick right now."???


@Jolie Kerr oh, man! double post! Um ... maybe I'm not a regular dude, either? I kind of worry about Marie Claire readers thinking this is a normal guy's perspective, but I also worry that this might actually be a normal guy's perspective.


@Jolie Kerr Sorry. Yes.

Jolie Kerr

@boyofdestiny That is so awesomely hilarious and oh my God you all are even simplier than I thought and AHHHHHHHHHH HAAAAAAAAAA *points and laughs at the simple menfolk*


@erikonymous & jolie My bad. I guess we're being earnest here. Yeah, ignore my sarcastic reply above and trust your instinct that Rich Santos is a weirdo.

Hot mayonnaise

@Jolie Kerr: Personally, it was only the the first time. "OMG, I'm having sexual intercourse with a woman. My life-long goal has been reached. Uhhuhhuhhh.....uhhhhuh. Whoops. Was that too fast?"

Jolie Kerr

@Jolie Kerr simplier is a cute word you just made up!


@Jolie Kerr No, but it is how they chat on the phone during sex.

"Call me back bro."


Well, wait: we think a lot of things. We think about what we are doing, obviously, if it's tricky. Sometimes we fixate on some specific thing about the lady we're with, like "whoa her neck is sexy right now" or "I want to watch her lips move." Brief bursts of planning are involved — e.g. what do I want to do next, and what's the quickest way to get there without breaking the rhythm. Also, I hope this isn't just me, but sometimes a totally unsexual thing will just pop into your head and stick there for a while. Like, "Man, I hope my tax return gets here soon," or something.

But yeah, at least as it's starting, "Holy shit, I'm having sex!" is a significant theme.


@DoctorDisaster This comment got me feeling a little flush...


@Jolie Kerr ...um, sometimes I think "wow, I'm getting nailed by this dude". is that weird? sometimes it's just sexy to think that way?
i mean maybe some people find it sexy?
aw hell.


@Jolie Kerr

OMG, I am actually typing in a comment on the Hairpin RIGHT NOW and JOLIE IS READING IT !!!!!!

Jolie Kerr

@atipofthehat That's what you're thinking during sex? Your partner might not be too psyched about that!


@Jolie Kerr

What with the Sex Faces and Pleasure Grimaces, neither woman knows what I'm thinking during sex.


@Jolie Kerr I mostly I think "Ew, I'm nailing Barbara Bush" but, that only works for a few seconds and then I'm finished.


I wish I could be a regular dude and think: "Man, I'm nailing this chick right now," but I can't.

Who's the man he's talking to? My question is directed at regular dudes, obvs.

Ms. Information

"Women have cried after sex because I didn't ejaculate", yeah, that's not why they're crying.


I am now seriously wondering who these girls are. Not to knock on Rich's lady friends, but how emotionally frail do you have to be to start crying over something like that?


@DoctorDisaster I'm just guessing, but it may be a situation where he came relatively easily the first few times because it was Strange, but then wasn't able to, and she starts to fret that he's not into her anymore.
At least I hope that's what it is.
Or maybe he only "nails" maudlin drunk chicks.



Better question: how emotionally frail does a woman have to be for sex with Rich to seem like a good idea?


@DoctorDisaster Umm...*raises hand* I admit to crying the first time I had sex with my last BF because he didn't come. I had recently ended a 6 year relationship with this other non-comer and I cried because I was thinking "AGAIN? This AGAIN?!?!?"

Ms. Information

@DoctorDisaster When it comes (or not comes) to sex with Rich, it might be a rohypnol-related frailty, no?


@HelloTitty Now I feel like a TOTAL JERK.


I dated one girl that cried every time after sex because of some prior first boyfriend and another that fell asleep always after she came but you really couldn't tell she was sleeping because she would sleep with her eyes open. You would just notice she was really unresponsive and her eyes were a bit more rolled up than normal. Neither pleasant.


@DoctorDisaster Aww, don't feel bad. You weren't being mean, you just lacked imagination for a second there.


@DoctorDisaster It's hard to imagine, but if you are a girl who was sort of brought up to think that sex is easy for dudes, being in encounters where their shit doesn't work so well can you make you feel totally inadequate. If you factor in some dude-unwillingness-to-basically-explain-self-and/or-feelings, some crying can happen!

hairdresser on fire

@DoctorDisaster Eeek, yeahhh, I have because the dude didn't before, though there were other problems with said lower-case dude, to be certain, and I make no claims as to my emotional frailty.

Tuna Surprise

Rich's column is now offically a cry for help. I feel like I need to clip out his archive and give it to my shrink.

Edith Zimmerman

@Tuna Surprise I know! Rich really needs to quit Marie Claire, also


@Edith Zimmerman

Just read his piece, and my takeaway was a little different: Rich wants to have sex with his guitar instead of a lady because he might feel more comfortable and less self-conscious about the guitar's expectations. Plus he can use his hands.



If a lady wanted to change Rich, she could wear a woodgrain bathing suit and some strings and make soulful guitar noises the whole time.


@Tuna Surprise
I don't understand WHY MARIE CLAIRE KEEPS HIM? Does ANYONE think this person actually represents all men? And if so, I am sorry for them?


@PBandJ Because every time he posts anything the entire readership of the Hairpin runs over to the Marie Claire website, clutching our pearls and shrieking "RIIIIIIIIICH" all the way?


RICH. I feel like I only hear about him through HP, and it is always about how he touches himself too much and it is probably ruining his life, maybe, he doesn't know, possibly he could figure it out if he'd stop touching himself for a few days but who knows, HE'S not going to try it, and so everyone cries but him, because he's happy touching himself. Which would suggest Rich + his pen15 =TRULUV: if you love your penis so much, why don't you marry it.


@maggiefinnie: Speaking of marrying, I'm writing my vows right now so I can pledge myself for eternity to your comment--that's how in love I am with it.


@SuperGogo It said, "YES!!" But then also added that it would like to be able to use the phrase, "He went to Jared!" when telling the story of how you two got together, so take that as a hint, I suppose.


When do we find out that Rich Santos isn't even a real person?



I know! Tom Oatmeal is a much more convincing Real Person.


"I don't mind if I don't ejaculate during sex — I'm much more interested in the girl feeling great. Besides, I can easily ejaculate later — no big deal."

Uh women can "feel great" after sex too without you going on and on and on until you force it - no big deal dude! What the hell @ ridiculing women for feeling insecure about his masturbation-induced impotence and then linking to a previous column about demanding women have orgasms with him? I USED TO BE MARRIED TO THIS GUY I THINK.



Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen... tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?

General Jack D. Ripper: [somewhat embarassed] Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.

General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.

General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.

General Jack D. Ripper: But I... I do deny them my essence.


@atipofthehat <3<3<3

Lily Rowan

I think Rich Santos needs to Ask A Dude.

Charlotte Rose

Holy carp, I would cry if I just had sex with Rich Santos! Orgasm or not.

Whitmans Sampler

OH MY GOD. Is "Rich Santos" John Mayer's nom de plume? Did anyone else read this? http://www.celebritysmackblog.com/2010/02/10/john-mayer-playboy-interview/

PLAYBOY: Masturbation for you is as good as sex?

MAYER: Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.

forget it i quit

@Whitmans Sampler That is the definition of doing it wrong.


Pretty much any combination of John Mayer and sex is doing it wrong.

Katie Walsh

Stupid BOYS! Dan Savage talks about how the kung fu grip they use during masturbation can lead to difficulties staying hard/cumming in a lady vag. STOP MASTURBATING AND WATCHING PORN IT'S MAKING YOU BAD AT SEX. Gahd. Do it for ladies, if not yourself.


@Katie Walsh This is not true though! All of the dudes are watching porn and masturbating! Some of us know how to keep it under control and some of us do not.


@Katie Walsh truth. my beau was laid off and out of work for 3-4 months. he admits he didn't have much else to do BUT flog the dolphin during those weeks. and our sex life SUCKED. now that he's working he rarely has time to spank it, and sex is lovely and lively again.

Katie Walsh

@DoctorDisaster I don't have a problem with dudes watching porn and masturbating. But if it's interfering with your sexing, give it a damn rest! We ladies need a proper nailing. Sorry DD, just venting from disappointing recent experiences.

Katie Walsh

@teenie That's science at work!


@Katie Walsh i'm sure it had nothing to do with his decreased sense of self-esteem and worth during his joblessness, and subsequent invigorated confidence after getting a bitchin' job.


@Katie Walsh: The beauty of Dan's advice is that guys don't even have to give it up entirely. They can switch hands, use a fleshlight, etc.


The way I prevent my frequent and tenacious masturbation from affecting the quality of my sex life is to barely have a sex life at all, so when a lady eventually lets me do sex to her, it's so novel and exciting that I don't even remember that I spent the previous four months beating my junk like it owes me money.


@SuperGogo Aaaaagh, Fleshlight! How does a person use one of those and not become instantly clinically depressed?


Maybe Rich can put a fleshlight on himself and then put the fleshlight into a lady.



@DoctorDisaster Now you're thinking with portals.


The first night I spent with an ex-bf we had sex three times and he never orgasmed. I pretended not to notice and didn't say anything, and the next weekend everything went fine. Down the line he said, "I don't know if you noticed but..." and talked about the first night we were together. Basically he said it was because everything was so new (me, my room, etc.) he was nervous and not entirely comfortable. But the only time that EVER happened again was when he was very drunk, haha.


@sal291 I usually have a difficult time finishing the first time I have sex with a girl so I fake it when its starts getting boring.


#OHSPATES Don't hold back! Be honest! We can take it!



My god, the problems some people have.

Princess Slayer

Oh God I'm stuck looking back at some of his old columns. Why did he have to link to the saddest ones? Is this what madness feels like? It's like on Scrubs when Carla opens up her head and all her crazy seeps out and everyone's faces melt off. RICH, THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO PEOPLE.

Feminist Killjoy

"I'm the only one who knows exactly what I want."
Rich Santos just rationalized sex away. Anyone else sick of this argument being used by men to defend excessively beating the meat?


@Rosemary Excessively beating the meat needs to be defended?


Lay off poor Rich, Rosemary. Unlike him, anyone you have sex with instantly knows exactly what you want, with no need for communication, guidance, or adaptation. You'll never understand his pain.

Internet Girl

@Rosemary BEATING THE MEAT lololol

Sorry, I can't go out tonight. I've got some meat to beat.


I must admit that, as a very infrequent sex-haver, I have some similar issues though not as maudlin and bizarrely objectivist. I think I just need more practice.


I don't understand why he does this. Does he really believe he has worthy advice to share, or is he a masochist? I think he's a masochist. He enjoys the scornful comments that he inspires. He'll never come with a woman unless she acts like a two-dimensional screen full of painful truths about his ridiculousness.


Has anyone ever met Rich Santos? Does he really really exist? I know there's a picture of *A* schlubby guy next to *A* bio of "Rich", but his posts are so depressing and desperate I can only be comforted by the idea that some Seventeen magazine subscribing girl is writing these based on what she thinks boys will be like in ten years.

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