Friday, April 8, 2011


Nightmare at the Gym!

My morning Vital Juice Daily newsletter (they're ridiculous but I love them) was a round-up of four tiny gym "horror stories." All of which made me laugh, but this one did especially:

My gym's membership card is the same dimensions as an MTA card. I've accidentally handed my MTA card to the front desk attendees so many times, they don't even give me weird looks anymore!

Aaah! Anyone want to share more gym horror stories like this? Mine is that one time at the gym I went in and said, "I need to cancel my membership," and they said, "The right person isn't here right now"!!!

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Maybe the nightmarish aspect of that one is that the narrator is desperate for attention and will now have to up the ante. "They don't even give me weird looks anymore, so now I hand them a severed finger!!"


That has totally happened to me too, you guys. Except mine was a CTA card. It was so humiliating that I ran straight into traffic and now I am dead. EMBARRASSING!


After that, the desk attendant asked for the Jack of Diamonds to which the penguin replied, "Go Fish!" Then I looked down and realized that I was naked and there was a gumball where my belly button should be. After zombie Rob Zombie walked in, I knew it was a nightmare.


Um, a kid just died at Georgetown University's gym last week.


Hero of the Beach

Gyms also murdered Douglas Adams. BEWARE.


Shit. Up until now the worst thing that had happened at that gym was the dude who asked me to punch him in the stomach while he did sit ups. (Yes, that actually happened. And yes, I actually did it.)


One time I was bored with my music so I started listening to Demitri Martin while on the treadmill, but it turns out it's really hard to run while trying to hold in laughter so you don't look like a freak and I tripped and fell but that just made all the laughter come out! Not looking like a freak didn't exactly work out.

Jolie Kerr

God I have so many terrible gym stories but in the interest of being service-y (and I almost posted this in the crying in public thread yesterday): If you are prone to panic attacks and feel one coming on at the gym GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY. I had a super scary experience a few weeks ago - I was upset, I got worked up while doing cardio, I couldn't get it back together, started panicking, hyperventilated... oh and have I mentioned how much fun it is to be me? - and yeah.


"OH HI I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN SUCH A LONG TIME! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" - things you don't say to gym-goers, receptionist person at my gym that I don't go to that often


The lifeguard at my pool once said that to me. It felt especially weird because the man only ever sees me in ugly swimsuits.


My dad goes to the gym every day and says things like that to people he hasn't seen there in a couple of days. He once got really sad talking about people who skip the gym on weekends, because "I guess some people only go five days a week."


My gym has single-use lockers with a four-digit code that you have to create in order to make it lock. I always forget mine. One time this elderly man walked by as I was obviously struggling to remember my code and was like "those numbers are hard to remember, huh!" FOUR DIGITS.


Why with the nudity in the lockerroom?!? The horrors I've seen in there cannot be unseen. I think other peoples horror stories involve getting second hand drunk from the fumes I'm running on from the previous evenings.


A person's physical attractiveness is inversely proportional to the chance that they will be walking around naked in the locker room


This attitude is why I change in the bathroom stalls in the locker room like a loser, so thanks guys.


Years ago, back when I still smoked and had a car, I locked my keys in the car at the gym. I chain smoked until the fire department showed up, so every single person I had to interact with scolded me for doing something unhealthy right after doing something healthy. (Um, both make you skinny, duh.) I've since started nongym workouts like running and pilates dvds.


My gym nightmare is seeing lots of new people kind of not know what to do, but I don't want to butt in and start instructing people without being invited to do so.


Well thank you for that I hate it when people just come up and start instructing me. It just happened two days ago, I was in the middle of doing stuff that was not the time to talk!

Quick Brown Fox

I had a gym nightmare yesterday. I got on the elliptical and it squeaked, so I switched machines. But the display on the machine I went to wasn't working. So I had to switch AGAIN! Ugh, it was the worst. Fortunately, it was noon, so the gym was pretty empty.


Mine was when someone was already using the Lat Pull Down!!


Mine was when a guy stood 3 ft away from me when I was on the elliptical, stared at me for awhile, then put his hand down his shorts and started jerking off.


This is why I go to a gym with mostly gay men. That and the eye candy.

Katie Ritter

One time I went to the gym but then my friend called me so I had to leave early. The worst!


A dear friend of mine had a heart attack while on the treadmill at the gym last week. Another patron performed CPR on him because there was no qualified staff member on duty, only the cleaning lady who opens up the gym in the mornings. :-/ Yeah, he's bailing on that gym.

Oh! And a former coworker repeatedly encountered a woman who would DOUCHE AND USE ENEMAS IN THE COMMUNAL SHOWERS!!!! Even after management had told her more than once not to do that. Ewwww.

Molly B@twitter

My gym provides some personal care products in the locker room: gel, lotion, hairspray, spray deodorant, mouthwash, etc. They're all stored in identical dispensers which led to me spraying hairspray in my armpits one day. Everyone saw.

Also one time I fell asleep in my morning yoga class and woke up covered with a blanket in an empty studio.

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