A Letter to the "Secret" Masturbator
Dear Sir,
Do you remember me from last night? I was the jean-jacketed, sass-mouthed lady sitting with that big hairy dude who we will call 'Jugg' because that is what I was sure his name was for our first three dates. And you, you were the one two seats away masturbating while staring at me. Do you remember this? I was talking about the Cat Who Can't Wake Up video, which led, obviously, as most things do with Jugg, into a discussion about talking animal videos and just talking pets in general, and I actually used that phrase, "in general," causing me to reach the drunken conclusion that I'm actually soberly re-reaching now, namely that the phrase "in general" is used to indicate "in real life" or "off-line" so much now that I bet these phrases' meanings will totally collapse in on themselves by 2030, the same year that 'probly' gets into the dictionary.
And you were the one reclined, but still somehow hunched in a cliche of perversion, staring at me and touching your penis. Is it all coming back now? Sorry I left in such a hurry!
When I finally attended to my gut-stirring intuitions and hazarded a glance your way, thereby noticing that you were, in fact, unblinkingly focused on my own personal face in your masturbatory fervor, well I didn't know what to say!!! All the normal pleasantries (e.g., "what's your favorite cat vid?") seemed not to apply! I was really at a loss! Now sir, since you have introduced a certain level of, um, intimacy into our relationship, I feel I can admit something that really gets at the core of me, Martha E. Polk, a thing that really pounds against this ole ribcage if you know what I mean. I just hate having my words taken away! For they are my joy and my fisticuffs, my pride and my armor. But so your erect penis and the methodical way you were handling it while concentrating on my face and jean-jacketed breasts — when these things rendered me speechless, with nothing left but eye-rolling and head-shaking and beer-slamming, and then finally half-assed gesturing so that Jugg could get a load of what was going down, well, I felt a little robbed, and a little, well, yes, huffy at you sir! And so I did slam my beer and grab my bag and throw some cash for the bill at Jugg because he is so very poor. And I did accidentally swing my bike helmet into the neighboring table's ketchup and mustard squirters and then charge out into the fresher, less predatory air. I took in such deep breaths because nothing steals my voice like the firm-jawed focus of a tyrannical masturbator, sir.
When Jugg came out a few minutes later, we kicked brick walls and smoked cigarettes and made out and made a billion jokes because I don't know Jugg well enough to corner him and tell him that your eyes, sir, and their unfettered will to take me in and use me all up for your own public power-trip boner, it reminds me of another guy — maybe you know him?! — who, at a prominent New York repertory film house, turned to face me as the movie began in the unsettlingly vacant theater and stared at my shape through the intermittent glow and shadow of the film, all to conjure the same sort of public power-trip boner. And he stared and stared and masturbated like mad, and I had again lost all my words so I just tried to watch the movie, but then, of course, I had to leave. And actually come to think of it, that guy — and not to bore you or insensitively group you all together into one big rapacious clusterfuck — but that movie guy reminds me of another guy who we found committed to some pretty serious autoerotic acts in between the stacks at the University of Minnesota library.
We were just 16, there on our research field trip (!!!) for our Advanced US History Seminar, and I remember being shocked not by a dick in the library but by, more specifically, this kind of indecency amidst the US history/James Madison/Alexander Hamilton/Federalist Papers, Interpretations Of section, and how that meant that gross, sexually unpredictable men could also very much enjoy discussions inspired by The Federalist Papers and how that meant that perverted men were hiding pretty much everywhere, including in plain sight all the time and how this meant that, geez, all of mom's warnings about 'guys in the neighborhood' weren't just overprotective gobbledygook but sadly legitimate acts of fear regarding the sneaky, lurking perversions of seemingly normal everyday people, e.g., American Historians. Do you see, sir, how you're part of a larger tradition? Without even getting into the guy who made me, at age six, say my name and then breathe into the phone for five minutes or the old slow-driving/smoking guy who made me first realize I had budding breasts or the guy who just last year punched me on the 2/3 train, etc., etc., ad infin. — do you see that you are part of something bigger? That your stare and your calculated boner in the bar continue a rich and thriving tradition of harassment so effective that I still, after all this tortured experience, just head out into the night and gulp down the wind before writing you a fake letter on the internet that probly only smart girls will read.
Sincerely,
Martha
Martha Polk writes about women and movies.
Photo via Flickr
Brava! Thanks for writing this.
:C Why did someone punch you on the train?
I just can't get over how many times this has happened to you.
Wow. Are these masturbators typically this common (more in New York), or is Martha unlucky? I had no idea. Gross.
@Hot mayonnaise — I've had a guy masturbate to me while I was lying on the beach, and several rub up on me on the subway. All in New York. I also had the dirty phone caller when I was little, which I had totally forgotten about.
@Lily Rowan: [signing 3yo daughter up for marial arts training]
@Hot mayonnaise — Yeah, good call.
@Lily Rowan This is why I live upstate. Definitely fewer public 'baters.
@Hot mayonnaise This also happened to me while I was lying on the beach (twice). And once, while I was working as a beach badge checker on the Jersey shore when I was 15, a guy in his mid-20s asked if he could touch my feet and then proceeded to rub his fingers between my toes and all over my feet and ankles before I could respond. I was so shocked I couldn't tell him to stop for nearly a full minute. Then he came to the beach entrance I worked everyday for a week.
@Lily Rowan Ugh, my dirty phone caller when I was 8 asked me my name and then what color my panties were. Still. so. gross.
@Hot mayonnaise In NYC I've had the beach masturbator who followed my friend and I to each new location we moved to to get away from him, a teenage boy on the street come around the corner and start jizzing in my direction after yelling "wanna see me bust a nut?!", a train masturbator, a train platform masturbator, boners smashed against whatever part of me was closest on a packed subway, several dudes just touch me instead of catcall, etc. I guess it's kind of bad here. :/
@fancypants I live in NYC and it's never happened to me. I think it's a sample size thing, not a "New York is full of frightening, dangerous things" thing. Or maybe I'm wrong and public masturbators just flock to the city because they know there's a greater chance that they'll be pressed up against someone at some point. That's a definite possibility.
Well. There was a man who liked to masturbate in the children's section of the bookstore where I worked in New York. I hear the children's section moved from the basement since I left. And then there was the guy who liked to masturbate on the train platform of the Morgan St. L stop. I saw him on a regular basis. And then there was the guy who tried to put his penis on me on the 1 train. So yea. Lots of masturbating in public types in New York I guess.
This is both well-written and stunningly honest. By which I mean, NICE ARTICLE, WHOOO.
Ugh, this reminded me of all of my adolescent perv experiences. I remember being on a bus in Pittsburgh when I was like 15, falling asleep, and waking up to some guy rubbing my legs. Another time a dude was masturbating while staring at me and my friend, also on a bus. BTW- I should mention that buses in Pittsburgh are generally safe. Then one time I was at a fireworks show when I was 14 and this guy kept standing directly an inch behind me no matter where I moved. Finally he went in for the kill and grabbed my boobs. Creepsters are everywhere!
Wow. Some stranger was so overcome with your hotness that he had to masturbate RIGHT THEN AND THERE. But how is this a power trip on his part? You with your hotness have the power. I think public masturbaters are "in general" very pathetic souls indeed.
@Trilby Whoa whoa whoa. This is not about "her hotness" at all. He's decided that she's going to become some masturbatory fantasy for her, and she has no say in the matter at all. It is most definitely a violation. She has in no way invited, and certainly not consented to this scumball jerking off while leering at her. She is being used in this situation, and it is very disempowering.
This is like getting catcalled on the street, except 100x worse.
And it is embarassing and paralyzing as hell.
@Trilby: I'm going to guess that it's not because of her hotness. It's because of his perviness that he was compelled to venture out to find a masturbation victim. She happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not saying the following is your opinion, but it is a slippery slope from "you were so hot he had to jerk off" to condoning getting raped for wearing a short skirt.
@Trilby — Are you fucking kidding me with that?
Just checking.
@cherrispryte You didn't complain about it on our first date!
@saythatscool You got my consent a long time ago.
@Trilby No.
http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2009/10/19/rape-culture-101/
@Trilby Tsk tsk silly woman. You're not thinking the CORRECT things! Here is a patronizing link…
This is going to be oversharey and potentially kind of gross, but I feel like someone needs to speak for dudes here re: the power dynamics of masturbation.
Dudes sometimes masturbate while thinking about hotties we have met. We do not ask permission to do this, because we are acculturated to understand that "hey, mind if I jerk off while thinking about you later?" would be a SUPER CREEPY THING TO SAY. But, as many women here have pointed out, this means they are not consenting to be stored in the wank bank, which creates an uncomfortable power dynamic. Listen to the first verse of "Black Stacey" for the frankest discussion of this ever.
That verse is instructive not just because it airs out something that we as a culture choose not to address, but because it demonstrates that the power dynamic is uncomfortable for the dude. (At least, for non-rapey dudes.) I think that the way our culture handles this is, for once, a pretty healthy solution: the power dynamic of masturbation to an acquaintance is an uncomfortable one, so the masturbator internalizes it completely. The power dynamic is never expressed socially and so, for the one who is being fantasized about, ceases to exist. The uncomfortable thing being internalized motivates the masturbator to express his affection in a social manner.
The reason public masturbation to someone is rapey is that, by socially expressing the dynamic that is normally kept behind the curtain, you are exerting power over another person. Where normal men let women remain unaware that they are being fantasized about, all the stories here are about men making every effort to let her know what is going on. This gives him power over her; note women here who had their words taken away, who didn't know what to do, who had to rely on outside authority figures to remove the offending person. Even the solutions people are coming up with involve using extreme measures — ones that would normally be socially unacceptable — to retake power.
To put this simply, there is a huge difference between healthy, "wow she's hot" masturbation and masturbation used to exert social power, and it is definitely a reflection of the difference between sex and rape. I think women are absolutely right to see these men as threats and treat them accordingly.
@DoctorDisaster — Thanks so much for this. It's great to hear more about what's in the secret minds of dudes! Esp. non-rapey dudes.
OK but, What about what goes through the secret minds of ladies wanking? Are ladies' "wank banks" (hey, I heard a Doctor use the term!) a concern?
If ladies think of a real person — boy, man, lady or celeb is that expressing some kind of power dynamic? Or is just inherently cool for ladies to wank (in private), and doesn't express a thing?
PS Public masturbation is seriously vile, even if one is not the object of the wanker's fantasy — To witness it third hand (thank you!) is also the horribles (though of a decidedly different kind!)…
I wonder if he is related to the fellow who masturbated next to me on my first international flight, or the fellow who called me at work and led me into a conversation so that he could masturbate to the sound of my voice, or the guy who pulled his penis out under the table at a bar and then pretended to spill something on himself so that I would offer to help him.
I like to think they're all related, so that I can think they'll die of some horrifying genetic disorder.
@HRH Your Cuntness Related?!? They're all Saythatscool. By the way, stc,'it's been too long.
This makes me so. sad.
Yay cathartic comment thread!
@mPolk *stares unblinking at you while making odd grunting noises*
@mPolk Smart girls *did* indeed read it and this one right here wants to tell you that you took a really sick, sad subject and made it into something better.
Smart guys will probably read it too! Still… unfortunately preaching to the choir.
Being masturbated AT is the worst. Happened to me twice in Chicago. Both times when I was a teenager on nearly empty trains. Both times the guy stared at me uninterrupted like he was JUST DARING ME to say something about it.
Both times I – in direct opposition to one of my greatest fears – changed cars while the train was moving.
Secret masturbators are horrible.
I witnessed this in a borderline-legal hole-in-the-wall bar in Westchester one time, a not quite normal-looking middleaged guy standing next to me watching the sexy bartenders rather attentively and then suddenly the bullethead owner/bouncer was throwing the guy out and apologizing to me for what he thought I'd seen … Apparently the bartenders didn't know what was going on across the bar from them. But the perve made no great efforts to hide what he was doing, which is what astounds me. Maybe that kind of person wants to be noticed doing it …?
Ugh ugh ugh I hate this. I studied in France one semester where groups of us had to go eat dinner with some random French families; one time, instead of taking the bus, my group and I decided to walk since it was a nice day out. We were walking down this quiet suburban road–but I guess not really because it was the bus route–and my friend was talking about something when we walked past this line of hedges, when I walked right past a guy, pants down, masturbating furiously. No one stopped, but maybe a block away, I was like, "Everyone saw that dude masturbating, right?" I was in a group of 4 and only one other person had noticed him. So…yeah, I guess it's not just an American thing?
@descie virtually the same thing happened to me in italy.
I really really find it obnoxious when girls try to outdo each other in pervert stories. "When this homeless started masturbating" "well THIS homeless guy exposed himself to me" to up the ante.
Actual assault non-withstanding, I find the pervert one-upmanship stories to be showcasing how desirable one is. As a girl, I've sat through too many of these discussions that reeeeeek of smug satisfaction.
I know I'll probs get yelled at for posting it. BUT ITS TRUE.
@TooCool4School Not yelling at you, but if you're referring to the comments on this post, I think you're misunderstanding their intent. Something weird and pervy happened to me when I was a kid, too, and reading other women's stories here (and the well-written but totally sick-making post) has made me feel a little less alone in that. I doubt anyone here is trying to "one-up" anyone else.
@TooCool4School I don't think anybody thinks "oh yeah, that stinky bum was jerking off on the bus while staring at me, I am SO desirable." It's more of a reflection on the men who do this and the society that fosters this then about the women who have to deal with it and some sense of smug satisfaction that they derive from it.
@TooCool4School I don't think it's a hot thing, I think it's a living in a big (enough) city for relative anonymity and looking young/safe enough to risk masturbating to. I am not hot but am small and youngish looking. Used to get it a lot, it's happenning less and less these days — the only benefit so far of ageing. Talking with female friends, those of us who have an ongoing issue are all on the small and young looking end of the spectrum.
@TooCool4School
I am persona non grata here now, but what you said is how I feel about it too. It's a weird kind of bragging, IMO, under the guise of righteous indignation.
@Trilby Think you might need to rethink this – when it happens (especially when you're a pre teen or a teen, it's actually really disconcerting when you realize that without asking for it, agreeing to it, or even having had the chance to consider it, it's happening in a public place that you generally think you're safe in. I know I never really had the balls to talk about it back then, and now I just realize that it's worth sharing to know exactly how many creepsters are genuinely out there – from this blog alone it's looking like it's more common than uncommon to have a similar experience.
@mpants But it DID happen to me several times when I was a young teen. And no! I didn't agree to it. That's an absurdity, of course. It happens in a public place, that's the point, and yes, you are still safe. These men are not rapists, they are pervy guys who just want to show you their penis. Actually they hope to get a rise out of you– no pun intended. You ladies need to get out more! These are exhibitionists we're talking about, not rapists!
@Trilby Well, okay, but an exhibitionist, by "exhibiting" himself to me, is making me (and/or everybody else here) a part of his sexual experience without my consent. I would argue that my lack of consent is a big part of the point. This is not rape, but it IS a violation, and is DOES make me feel extremely unsafe, even in a public place. If he's willing to defy behavior norms by whipping out his dick on the subway, who's to say he's not willing to defy behavior norms by touching or attacking me? What that behavior tells me is that I'm dealing with a person who values his sexual experience over my sense of comfort and safety, and that's a DANGEROUS person, even if he never comes within ten feet of me.
@Superfluousconsonants EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY. This is 100% why it's scary!!!
@notSJP Yeah, it definitely hasn't happened to me in years. Yay being old?
@Trilby I guess it *would* look like bragging to you, since you think they're doing it to women they find hot.
Can you see that most people don't think of it that way, though?
@TooCool4School Maybe the chicks you heard talking like that were molested as children and they have no healthy sexual/emotional boundaries and they literally believe that homeless guys jerking off in public are testaments to their hotness, just like they secretly believe their uncles molesting them was because they were hot and not because they were children.
I feel what you're saying, because sometimes I hear women act smug over really sick, weird shit, too. Except it doesn't annoy me as much as depress me.
@Xora No, I don't think they are doing it to women they think are hot. But some women, when they talk about this experience, seem to think they were singled out for some reason, like maybe hotness?
Anyway, just because *most* people think something, doesn't make it correct.
@Trilby So when you said, "Some stranger was so overcome with your hotness that he had to masturbate RIGHT THEN AND THERE. But how is this a power trip on his part? You with your hotness have the power," were you being sarcastic?
@Trilby Flashing is on the continuum of sexual violence. Public masturbation is a sexually violent act.
I, too, have been on the business end of some yucky perviness. Does anyone have tips on how to take back the power in these episodes? I realize that macing the perv would not be a good thing since I've never actually been physically touched in a situation like this, but I'd like to do SOMETHING to humiliate/punish him! Anything?
@fairlyalarmed this one way: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIlObKYwUyI
@fairlyalarmed yes! that lady is awesome. i was going to look for that same video. i think just raising a general fuss and embarrassing the guy (since this is usually happening in a very public place) is a great response.
I would be tempted to yell, "HEY EVERYBODY, THAT FUCKING GUY IS MASTURBATING OVER THERE!"
@fairlyalarmed You could look right at him, laugh and point.
@Trilby So, has this ever actually happened to you? From some of your responses here it seems like maybe not. Or maybe you are just a lady who does not feel intimidated or powerless in the face of such antics.
@fairlyalarmed I've given some serious thought to the best way to have handled these situations and they included some kind of aggressive tactic – I really have none! If they're creepy enough to make moves like the ones listed above you really don't want to know what else they're capable of. Just get the F away from them.
@fairlyalarmed: As a dude, I know that I am not in your shoes as far as mental state or options. BUT, were I to be witness or in the general vicinity of a man crying and holding is junk, being stood over by a very mad lady, I would 1) Ask the lady if she is alright 2) Threaten/berate the junk holding asshole on the ground and 3) Secure the general area. If the scum had the audacity to try to bring the authorities into his well deserved assault, he would have trouble finding anyone who remembered what happened besides him falling onto the ground holding his pathetic dick.
cliff notes: stomp his nuts in
@fairlyalarmed A guy cornered me in a bookstore and took out his junk when I was a kid and I loudly announced to the store at large, "Mom, this man is showing me his penis!" The guy ran out of the store; the store owner gave me a free copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. And for the next n years I thought that every guy on the street was looking at me with the intent to molest. Still, though, I'd be in favor of doing a similar thing as an adult: e.g. announcing "Hey bartender, this guy is masturbating in public!"
You know, we are talking about a criminal matter … Those phones I hear about with a built-in camera might be useful in cases like this.
@fairlyalarmed I guess I am just a lady who does not feel intimidated by such antics. I grew up in NY city, riding the subway from a young age, and there I saw my first several grown-up (and interracial) penises. Educational! It happens pretty often to young girls here. Usually I was with some friends on our way home from school. We'd whisper about it and move away and then laugh and go EWWWW. It just isn't that big a deal! The kind of men who expose themselves and touch themselves stealthily in public are not aggressive at all. They are sad, pathetic men who you can easily move away from with your dignity intact.
@fairlyalarmed I'd handle it by elbowing said offender in the face. Followed by a swift kick to the crotch (my answer to most everything)
Seriously though, I don't think of this as a "use your words" moment. Physical violence would send the message loud and clear.
@Trilby I wish I had your level-headed coolness.
My new standard: "at least I don't stare at women in public while masturbating." I feel better about myself already.
@Kneetoe
Of course you don't! You stare at their reflections in the nearest window, which is somehow even creepier.
@atipofthehat That's not ok?!? Damn, life is hard.
Man, this post has upset me more than I expected it to. I think I will go play The Sims, where no one is ever engaged in any sexual activity (woohoo, as they say) against their will. Also, they speak gibberish and do silly things, all of which will make me feel better.
Uggggghhh I'm so sorry this has happened to you this many times! The one time it happened to me was back in high school and he didn't whip it out, just rubbed himself while staring at me. The thing that made it really bad was when I got to my boyfriend's house all traumatized & in need of comfort, he said: " Aww, it's your fault for being so pretty, he couldn't help himself."
Um, yes he fucking well could, and it has nothing to do with me!!! Why didn't I break up with that dude on the spot?
Totally interesting subject….
Hey, did you ever read that Ibsen play where there's the much older teacher and his female student. And, if I'm remembering this correctly, she comes into the room pretty confident and sparkly, and then he just kind of like steals her personal power away from her. And, I think she takes it back and turns the tables, and it goes back and forth a few times (not sure if I remember that part though, or if I've rewritten it in my head) but, anyway, I know it was a FASCINATING diagramming of the interplay of personal power.
So… yeah, Men, Women, biology, nature, Society and Culture/s… here goes…
Like subway chick did: set the rules and the parameters. This is the Function of Society and culture. We take our cues from "the crowd" and even, from each other. SO SET THOSE BOUNDARIES. Shaming, when done for the right reasons, is maybe a good thing? Like, slut shaming, bad? Public masterbater shaming good? I'm not sure if that's the answer here…
BUT YOU FEELING LIKE YOU'VE LOST YOUR WORDS is definitely not cool. Time to man up and take those words back! For the team, y'know? And for yourself. In fact, if you see any other pervs out there it'll be a perfect opportunity for you to be like, just, y'know what, no. No, that is not ok. Your words are great here, but you slunk out… You gotta take some responsibility for THAT.
But, WHAT IS the answer? I mean, my strong feeling here is that Women have got to "make their voices heard". So, I'm going to kind of hold you accountable for that. Is it fun? Well — honestly, it muthafuckin might be. I mean, I feel like that shit could be pretty funny. Scary, in that improv "in the spotlight" not keeping an LP way, but… like gutsy and ballsy and funny. Y'like masterbating in public, funny man? Y'wanna go there? Ok, then, let's TAKE it there. Here you are, your dick is out, everybody sees it everybody knows it. You feeling good about yourself now? Happy? Is this what you wanted?
I mean, it's like, you know when somebody likes-likes you and you don't like them that way, and it makes you uncomfortable, but it's not really their fault and it kind of messes up the friendship even though they say it wont, but it still does. That's life. It's not perfect.
But, on the bigger issue of, just what the fuck is it that makes men all happy to be mean to the ladies…
I mean, maybe there's different "types" or categories of PM's (public masterbators) but what about the underlying "scary" message there which says "I don't care if you like it, in fact maybe I'll like it better if you don't"…. well, the OTHER side of that coin is the uber-bitch. I feel like men really gravitate to that, too… I mean, that's not just brooklyn, is it? And I also feel like that is what a lot of this masculine hard-core energy is afraid of, like, the women coming back at them and emasculating them, and maybe they'd secretly like it, and in their heart of hearts kind of think they might deserve it?
These tough guys (the intimidating asshole-types, maybe, more so than the sad-sacks who foster their sexuality on you in a more desperate kinda way) seem kind of like they're pussies afraid of love. (And, the accompanying potential for rejection). So, that's where the whole "Pussy Power" comes in, because, hey, try it, "you'll like it!" But women kind of can be castrating, and, "if they have the power" they can be pretty cutting, too, y'know? And that's what men are like secretly deep down really afraid of?
So, kind of what I'm saying is that I think love is the answer… but sometimes that's gotta be tough love. Like saying "NO! That is not okay, no!" But also keeping in mind… this shit's hard, being a human is hard, sexual identity and confidence… it's higher learning, and we've got to forge a better way than some of the default settings that the male/female dichotomy can fall into. Like, a video game, where to get to the higher levels, you have to think and react and learn.
I'd like to encourage you to try and not let that wires-crossed dude steal your personal power, Ibsen-style. I feel like that might be a good starting place.
And shit, man…. you try and go out to have a good time…. glad you got some snoggin in so the night wasn't all bad!
@randummy TL;DR
This was fucking fantastic!
Only once has this happened to me, in an abandoned parking lot in Buffalo, New York. And the guy was with his GIRLFRIEND and she stood and WATCHED. I was drunk, muttered something about having mace and ran away.
YES MAERHA YES. I really like what you have written here. It has made me feel a bit weird. I think I'm going to eat some ice-cream and think about everyone who ever made me feel word-less.
This is horrifying. I never realized this sort of thing even happened. AAAAAGH I WANT MY PRIVILEGE BUBBLE BACK
I am a dude. My friend is a dude. We're in our late thirties now. When we were in 5th grade, some old pervie dude pulled a secret masturbater move on my friend, at the public libary, where we were working on our little elementary school getting familiar with the library research project. I was at the library with my friend at the time, didn't witness the incident, but knew that something had happened,and knew that he was freaked out. He told me the full story a few weeks later.
As an adult looking back, he says that at the time, the incident left the 5th grade him wondering if "there is something wrong with me," something that had made the old pervie library dude "choose me." As an adult, I assured him that in fact, yes, it was "100% your fault," and that "yes indeed, you are extremely weird, defective even, to this day."
And everyone lived happily ever after.
So maybe the best way to feel empowered in a situation like this is to look at the guy, right in the eye, and give a sort of disappointed "is that all you've got?" sort of look. "pfft…i've seen bigger, get over yourself."
Ugh. I think it's really important to publicly humiliate men who do this, as they are doing it. I'm not sure that I would go the "is that all you've got" route, only because I don't want to see anyone try to give me "more." I am not advocating vigilante beatings, just to be clear. but at the very least you'll feel better, and it will take less of your life away. "i see what you're doing, you're a disgusting pervert, you right there wearing [description so that others can identify him]…" worked well for me, but everyone's different.
Apparently many years ago, my grandma was visiting my parents and wanted to go to a bar in the city where my parents lived. So they take her out to some bar and this guy is exposing himself in the middle of the bar. My grandma's reaction was to tell him that if that was all he had to show, he should just really put it away. Stories like that make me really wish I had the opportunity to get to know her more.