Simple Drinks for Stupid People
We're grownups, and we owe it to ourselves to know how to make proper cocktails. I don’t care if you’re over the whole bartender-with-a-handlebar-mustache-in-sleeve-garters thing, good cocktails are here to stay. Even at one of those half-assed house parties where the liquor selection is a random jumble of bottles with a forlorn, unwashed shaker jammed in with an ancient thing of angostura, you can drink something nice, even if you have to drink it out of a plastic cup like an animal. Plus you can make up your own cocktail recipes to impress your friends and future lovers. It’s all about ratios!
Sours — 2:1:1/2
Sours are the best! Margaritas are sours, and so are sidecars. It’s just booze plus citrus juice plus sweetener, in a 2:1:1/2 ratio. So a marg is 2 oz of tequila, 1 oz of lime, ½ oz of cointreau. You can scale it up or down for more servings, obviously, so two side cars is 4 oz brandy, 2 oz lemon juice, 1 oz of cointreau. Almost any combination of liquor, citrus, and liqueur tastes awesome this way, or if there’s no liqueur available, use a sploosh of simple syrup or even some sugar. Shaken, please. Oh, and you MUST use real juice. None of that disgusting lime juice in a bottle. Feel free to be a dick and squeeze out a bunch of the little lime wedges meant for people to garnish their G & Ts.
Aromatic cocktails — 4:1:dash
Martinis, manhattans, rob roys — these are aromatic cocktails. I like a 4 to 1 ratio of spirits to fortified wine, with two shakes of bitters. Those people who wave the vermouth bottle over the mixing cup and wink at you are, frankly, idiots. Drinking a big glass of cold gin isn’t illegal or anything, but don’t kid yourself that you're having a cocktail. Vermouth is delicious! 2 oz gin, ½ oz white vermouth and two shakes of orange bitters is the martini nature intended us to drink. Tequila goes well with sherry. Rye and sweet vermouth. Etc. Try different kinds of bitters if you want to. Get kooky! It’s hard to go wrong. Although please do stir it. Okay? Okay.
Champagne cocktails — Splash:pour
These are sort of duh. Put whatever into champagne. Juice. Liquor. Liqueur. Bitters. Pomegranate seeds. Not hard to figure out but maybe not something you’d remember to try either. Of course, no need to mess around with good champagne — just drink it. But when there’s a lukewarm bottle of Andre on the table, maybe dump in an ounce of gin and a splash of bitters to make it go down easier.
So there you go. Make yourself a nice cocktail tonight, or later this week, or this weekend. Choose your own adventure.
Audrey Ference writes Sex With the Natural Redhead for The L Magazine.
Photo via Flickr
Um. If there is no lime wedge left for my G&T because some pretentious nitwit has squeezed them all into their beverage, I'm gonna be pissed. If you're that insistent on the need for real juice, bring your own limes!
Also, vermouth is the foulest thing I have ever tasted.
I agree with everything in this comment.
real juice is essential. can't make cocktails without it. but also: I need a lime or lemon wedge for my G&T (not picky!)
Oh, here, just drink this: http://www.drinksdirect.co.uk/acatalog/Gordons_Gin_Tonic_Can.html
I thought the same thing until I tried something other than Martini and Rossi (which tastes like perfume!). Look for Dolin- it's a world of difference.
I ought to point out that there was awhile there when I was regularly bringing my own limes and tonic to parties (in addition to whatever other party-gift thing.) The sorts of events where there're a bunch of bottles in the kitchen and a sleeve of solo cups ALWAYS manage to run out of mixers first, and then people do unfortunate things like adding gin to Arizona iced tea. Pulling 2 big bottles of tonic out of your tote bag at 3 in the morning can make you a hero sometimes.
So I might be a little sensitive about the lime thing.
Hahahahaha. I love the headline!
I have been trying to explain this one to a friend of mine for, like, ever. I'm not so good with numbers, but I like a mean margarita.
Also, don't worry. No one is going to use up anyone's G&T garnish. Chill. Sheesh.
But using up the G&T garnish is exactly what the author says to do. And she even suggests that one "be a dick" about it, which is kind of what you're being to women who just want to protect their bar fruit, God damn it.
Well, yeah, but obviously no one is really going to do that. Am I the only person who's ever been shy at a party? At least until I get my margarita?
It's not about using up all the garnish but about not being afraid to squeeze a little fresh lime and make yourself a nice drink out of what's on hand.
The recipe above calls for 2 oz. of fresh lime juice. That's probably almost two limes worth. That's more than "a little fresh lime."
Let's all pour ourselves something for happy hour and take comfort in the fact that there's PLENTY of citrus juice and bar fruit and cherries and tiny umbrellas to go around for everyonnne!
I'll be having a Tanqueray + sherry + orange blossom water martini.
I love "vermouth smells like perfume"! Manhattans are my standard open bar drink. Our family cocktail is the Old Fashioned, bourbon and soda water poured over bitters muddled with a sugar cube and chunks of fruit. I sometimes try to order them at bars but they never use enough bitters for my liking and sometimes don't even know what I'm talking about.
Had a Manhattan the other night for the first time in a while. Wondered why I'd waited so freaking long. Delish.
I actually just made myself a ginormous Manhattan the other evening using exactly those proportions (as I have many times before). This time, though, my Manhattan, while pleasingly large, tasted less pleasing than usual. Is this some kind of evil trick of chemistry? Or did I just not use enough bitters? (I even added more later!)
I love a gin ricky, but you REALLY have to be careful about where you order one or you'll get something nasty. And I'd never attempt to make it myself because I don't necessarily know how so I promise not to leave the G&Ts high and dry.
And vermouth? I didn't think I liked until my Grandma handed me one of her 5 o'clock cocktails – a glass of vodka with a splash of vermouth and a couple olives – and then I liked it just fine! Also once I tried to add water to this concoction and thought she was going to disown me on the spot.
Impress your friends and get them incredibly drunk (these things go hand in hand, yes? Or maybe I'm the only one who thinks drinking like Hemingway will impress my friends…) with French 75s: 2 oz gin, 1 oz lemon, 1/2 oz simple syrup, top with champagne (or other sparkling wine). Ridiculously delicious, deliciously dangerous.
I WANT THAT.
Yes, you do! It's my favorite party drink (party because, well, you have to drink the whole bottle of bubbly, right?). I like it with Plymouth gin.
Simple sparkling cocktail I love when I want to feel like I made a great cocktail, but am too tired to put in a lot of effort: A halfway decent sparkling (Alsatian, Prosecco or Cava would all work), with a dash of St. Germain. The St. Germaine is an awesome French liqueur made from Elderflowers. It's kind of pricey (but I'm kind of cheap), but a bottle goes a long way (and the bottle is gorgeous enough to keep out on display).
I love St. Germain; it's so refreshing in a gin & tonic.
Ooooooh, I will be trying that combo tonight, if I can wait that long, thanks for the tip Dietrich!
Fantastic! I hope you like it! Oh it's evidently really great with Hendricks, too, which I wouldn't have necessarily thought of as a good combination, but it's surprisingly tasty.
A lot less comments here than I expected.
& & &
I've been drinking shots of Zubrowka this evening.
Just fyi.
On a Monday night, well done.
Zubrowka!
Here is a lesson I learned the hard way on my 21st birthday: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER mix Zubrowka with Pucker if you have run out of apple juice. You will nearly die. Also, you will waste the bottle you smuggled back with you from Warsaw.
Shots of Żubrówka! Awesome. I can't do it without apple juice. Weak, yeah, I know.
my version of a tom collins:
2oz. gin, about the same amt of tonic (instead of club soda and simple syrup), squeeze in a fun amount of lemon juice (from those bottles that look like lemons). stir.
…i made this for my friend and she thought i was a genius.