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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

27

Getting Revenge

Uh oh. Rich Santos, are you OK? Today on Marie Claire's blog the hapless but strangely charming man-blogger explains How to Get Revenge on Your Significant Other, and includes this pro tip:

Don't get me wrong, if you have sex with a random it will obviously upset your significant other. But it stings more if you have sex with someone they love or hate.

True. Did your boyfriend/husband forget to text you? Fuck his friend[s]. Just kidding, what you do is write on his best rave shirt in ultraviolet letters.



27 Comments / Post A Comment

atipofthehat

Actually, it stings most if you have sex with lots of people. Especially a few days later, when you pee.

Jazzy

I kind of feel like he's one of the most irritating men ever? And I'm confused as to why people pay him to be ridiculous but then I remember that this is how the internet works, mostly.

atipofthehat

"Too bad, I only like you as a friend."

KILLER PUT-DOWN!

That is going to come in handy if I'm ever in 5th grade again.

kitten_witawip

Oh that works all through life. Also telling a guy he is too nice.

scully

When dying people look back on their lives, "that one time I got really good revenge" is always #1 on their list of accomplishments.

sox
sox

My mom always said she thought it would be great revenge to write something in self tanner on someone's face while they were asleep. Like in a slumber party scenario. (Yes, I lived in fear until leaving for college.)

PBandJ

Strangely charming? Charming like a case of the stomach flu combined with a UTI, maybe.

kitten_witawip

If your boyfriend calls you fat the best revenge is to have sex with a really hot guy (I mean way hotter than your boyfriend) and send him a picture saying "see this guy thinks I'm just fine". Works every time.

Hot mayonnaise

Stick their toothbrush up your bum and take a photograph of it there with their camera. Put the toothbrush back where it belongs. When they get the photographs developed at Fox Photo it will be really funny.

applestoapples

Revenge sex would be tricky if you were dating Rich Santos, because I have a feeling the person he both loves and hates the most is himself.

fairlyalarmed

Rich Santos seems really sane and helpful! He definitely doesn't have ANY major psychological hangups, for example, he definitely doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would (maybe accidentally, maybe not) call his girlfriend "Mom" occasionally.
This guy just GETS it.

HelloTitty

That comment goes perfectly with your account name.

MollyculeTheory

"Ask your local News paperif you could write a story about your ex write the most deepest things about them if they were good in bed tell the news paper they were rubbish and dont leave any details out."

"New York Times copy desk."
"Hello yes I want to submit an article about how my ex was rubbish in bed."
"I'm s..."
"I mean, Mel Gussow wrote it."
"How many words?"

theharpoon

I love how that one claims that newspapers normally let people do this.

Nutmeg

"Warning:
* Don't do anything that will get you in put in jail.
* Don't do anything to OTT.
* Don't set fire to their house.
* Dont do anything too mean."

Why do all of their suggestions contradict their warnings? How will I ever get my revenge?

theharpoon

re: "Why all their suggestions contradict their warnings," Rich Santos wrote it?

Captain DuClark

"Dating makes us vengeful." I have a feeling excerpts from his columns will one day comprise at least one third of the prosecution's exhibits. I imagine that the Dateline producers will find them quite useful as voice-overs during segues between interviews with the lead investigator, the prosecutor, and the victim's family and friends.

JuiceBox

Yay! A Rich Santos post is ~= to a Robyn post. Different kind of love, but still love.

theharpoon

How come you're only supposed to set their clothes on fire if they cheated and are still with you?

marie

presumably, you would not have access to their clothes if you were not still with them.

Ms. Information

Here's an idea for a Hairpin column: Rich's ex-girlfriends answer questions about Rich a la "Ask A Dude". Assuming his exes are semi-literate, that is... or not fake.

metalkpretty

I believe they were only "girlfriends" in his mind. He probably thinks he's in a committed relationship with someone if he sits next to her on the bus and says hi or the waitress who was nice to him for her tip. But I bet the women who have restraining orders against him have some great stories!

Ms. Information

I like your column better. We should speak with the people in-charge.

JoeyT

"How to get revenge on your significant other." AKA "I wonder what states will allow 'He was a passive-aggressive wanker and drove me nuts.' as a homicide defense."

I doubt he cares what a guy thinks, but I'm not sure how he managed to be an "attractive friend". Was it a mask? CGI? Prestidigitation? Inquiring minds want to know!

parla

now I can't stop clicking through RIch Santos articles! Would you rather your dude visit an ex or a strip club?! ahhhriiiichhhh!!!

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