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Monday, March 28, 2011

48

Ask a ______

Ask a Dino.

Ask a Porcupine.

Ask St. Peter.

Ask an Explorer.

Ask a Pink Ghost.

Ask the Mets' Famous Home Run Apple.

Ask the Poet John Wieners.

Ask White Fang.

Ask the Cover of The Aeneid.

Ask President Lincoln.

Jim Behrle likes wearing sunglasses, too.



48 Comments / Post A Comment

PBandJ

Dear White Fang,
Why were you always in our school library? Are you a good book? I'm not very interested in you, based on your cover. Tell me about yourself.
Love,
PBJ

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

To be honest, THE CALL OF THE WILD is a better book. Buck
is a more complete and likeable character than me. His journey from
upper class comfort to toil in the Yukon is remarkable for its brevity
and evocation of the landscape. Jack London was so drunk when he wrote
about me. I do like being in libraries because no one really bothers
you there. We have a lot of fun with all the other books. And getting
dusty is really very nice.

theharpoon

Dear Dino,
I watched Jurassic Park this weekend, it was pretty good. Did you ever see that movie? What did you think?

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

I like Jeff Goldblum a lot. There were certainly good parts to
the film. But how did Dinosaurs get cast as the villain? They didn't
ask to be brought back from extinction. Typical humancentricism. I am
half-human, my mother was a palentologist. I think Michael Crichton
does a disservice to the great work scientists do. He'd never even met
a dinosaur when he wrote it. Like Peter Benchley came to regret making
people fear sharks with JAWS, I think Crichton really would have felt
bad about his book if he ever came face to face with one of us.

theharpoon

As an expert, do you know why Jeff Goldblum was wearing Transitions lenses in the movie???? I really want to know.

hungrybee

Dear Pink Ghost, When I am playing Pac Man, I think of you as the only girl ghost. Is this sexist of me? Also, are you a girl or what?

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

Gender is a complicated thing with a ghost. I mean,
sometimes one or the other and sometimes neither. Sometimes I am just
eyes! When I go back to the house, I have to see which sheets are in
my closet. Sometimes the only clean ones are dude and hermaphro.
Ghosts don't usually bother much with sex, although I have an on again
off again thing with the blue one. Sometimes we make out in the tunnel
that brings us off screen. I know the blue ghost is so wrong for me. A
scorpio! I mean, ugh!

hungrybee

Maybe if you baby talk with the blue one you can eventually take your relationship outside the tunnel!

Hot mayonnaise

Dear St. Peter,
To where do you need lift? Also, gas, grass, or ass, etc.

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

Behrle originally drew this version of me for a Zombie
Version of the Life of Jesus called EAT MY BODY, DRiNK MY BLOOD. I
think I was gesturing toward Jesus' tomb saying, where's Jesus? That
project thankfully got spiked. But I do like hitchhiking. I was Pope
and then crucified upsidedown, like being crucified isn't bad enough!
I can still sometimes taste urine in my mouth. And then I spent
thousands of years working Heaven's Front Desk. You can imagine how
awful those customer service moments are. "I don't see your name
anywhere here. Maybe see if they have a reservation for you
downstairs." On my days off I do like to hit the open road, but I
usually trade mix cds with people for a ride. Hendrix and Johnny
Thunders are in the Ramones now!

Hot mayonnaise

So, no weed then? I thought if anyone would have decent weed it would be St. Peter.

Clare

To the Home Run Apple:

Do you have any good Bernie Madoff stories? Is Mike Piazza gay? How does the Mets' bullpen look this year? Do they still sell the good gummy bears at the concession stand in right field?

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

I'm the old one, the one they stuck in the Parking
Lot! It's nice to see all the Mets' fans up-closer. But I miss Shea.
It was dirty and terrible, but it was home. I also miss working!
Coming out of the hat was so exciting when Mets' hit homeruns. Madoff
wanted to buy me when I was replaced, glad that didn't happen. I'd be
impounded in some federal warehouse now. Mike never talked about being
gay, but I heard he was kinky. The bullpen could be interesting, The
Mets will miss Jose Feliciano. But what happens when K-Rod gets close
to 55 appearances? Who will close? I didn't know about the Gummy
Bears. Everything is so moved-around at Citi. Maybe winning will make
it seem more like home. Please say hi to me on the way in!

The Secret Sharer

Dora: yum yum glug glug??

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

Dios mio! I may seem like some dumb kid from a kid's show to
you, but I show young women that's it's OK to dream big and take the
lead!

Anne

Dear Frog-with-a-Dorsal-Fin or Turtle-Without-a-Shell or Definitely-NOT-a-Dino,

If I was in ever the time or now to among them, why him but and for you? Right?

Love,
Anne

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

Definitely.

Mary Miller

This is really, really great.

applestoapples

Dear Cover of the Aeneid,
Does Queen Dido hate it when she's out in public trying to immolate herself and people confuse her for the late 90's singer with a couple of modestly charting adult contemporary songs?

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

There are lots of people named Jennifer. Dido has kind of a
nice voice. That "White Flag" song is sweet. And she seems sad, like
Queen Dido. No one reads The Aenid anymore, which is just fine by me.
I'm telling you, books like being left alone with all our friends.

SBGBlogs

Dear Dino,
I can't come to terms with the fact that velociraptors had feathers and were not not vicious, super-smart, archaeologist-eating machines. Can't life just be like Jurassic Park? Please help!

SBG

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

it's disappointing about raptors. And feeling disappointed
sucks. But, I promise you, there are more cool things about dinosaurs
to emerge very soon. I think you'll be surprised. And feeling
surprised after facing disappointment is kind of great.

spostaby

Dear Pink Ghost,
Do you believe in people?

Edith Zimmerman

This is from Jim Behrle, who's currently on a bus.

Well, I think I believe in people. I sometimes peer up and see how happy they are moving Mr. and Ms. Pacman around. It's fun to be a small part of such a popular game. I wish there was a way humans could play from a Ghost's perspective. We're the real heroes of the Pacman games. We're very anti-consumer. We stop Pac-man from plundering all our mazes! With all those wonderful dots! We always win eventually, and I'm sorry that bums people out. But, think about Pacman, eating our bouncing fruit and our clothes! He's such a pest. She's nicer, but still.

theharpoon

Why is Jim on a bus for so long? I feel a little bad for him.

Bittersweet

No, no, no, he must STAY on the bus because all his answers rock really hard and it must be the bus fumes.

thefingersofgod

Dear Jim Behrle, why are they all wearing black bras on their faces?

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, who's currently on a bus:

I did the first one of these as a joke to Edith, playing
on her Ask A Dude series of sunglassed dudes. I have a lot of time on
my hands. The Dino was originally a Hipster Dino. I just colored in
his glasses. The construction paper sunglasses were made so I didn't
wreck Ben's copy of the Aenid or the cover of the Hotel Wentley Poems.
I'm not one of those talented artists, I gotta get by on charm alone.

daniel

Dear Pink Ghost,

Why are so many people calling on my office phone today? I can't get any work done.

Thanks,
Daniel

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, who's currently on a bus.

It's Monday, I guess it's a good day at work to call other
people. Maybe you are really good at your job. Like really capable. I
never get any calls. We have a little phone in our house. That's why
it takes us a while to get out at the beginning of the game. Sometimes
we are still on the phone, with like Donkey Kong.

daniel

Dear Pink Ghost,

I bet Donkey Kong makes great small talk. If you give me your number, I will try to call sometimes, if you feel lonely.

DoctorDisaster

Dear A Hedgehog,
Do you know Sonic? Can you get his autograph for me?

Wait, you're a porcupine?

Oh god. Oh god. I'm so sorry!

Well, this is awkward.

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, on a bus.

I know of Sonic, he's really famous and controversial in underground circles. Porcupines feel kind of misunderstood and underappreciated in popular culture. But if Disney made a movie about us we'd probably complain about that, too. We're spikey on the outside, but sweet when you get to know us.

VictorVictrola

Dear porcupine,

What are your thoughts on this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2vZUsL6OOA&feature=player_embedded

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, on a bus.

That guy's beard looks like my cousin!

Jim Demintia

Dear Saint Peter,

What was it like to be crucified upside down? Do you think it was more or less painful than being crucified rightside up? If you had it to do over again, would you just ask to be killed in the regular way? Also, will you let me into heaven when I am dead?

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, who's currently on a bus.

Being crucified is really scary at first, but then very
boring for a long time. Once you're nailed and you come down from the
pain and endorphins it takes a long time to actually die in which you
don't even have anything to read. And being upsidedown is weird, your
face gets really red. I insisted I be crucified upsidedown because I
didn't feel worthy to die the same way as Jesus. I carried a lot of
guilt around about denying him three times, although Jesus
predicted/suggested it. Like Judas, it was hard to live with being
part of this plan we didn't understand. And things were happening so
fast. It was terrible, but few of us get to choose how exactly we die.
I would have liked to die with my friends, casting nets for fish. But
I got caught up in something important, and being Pope was fun for a
while. It wasn't like being pope now. We lived in caves, not the
Vatican. Sell some chalices and feed the people, you dandies.

science is sexy

Dear Porcupine,

Why is every show I like cancelled right away, but Big Bang Theory is still on the air? That show is the fucking worst.

Here is a .gif of porcupine sex from Party Down, to get you in the mood to...I don't know, man, poke Steve Guttenberg in the balls. http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg5zs9BnVe1qazinfo1_500.gif

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, who's on a bus.

it's frustrating when good shows get canceled. But so many
shows that were great get bad as they get older. "Big Bang" has its
moments and is charming for a network sitcom not about families and
kids or dating, really. It is trying to do something different. And
the writing is sometimes smart. But do you think "Arrested Devlopment"
or "Party Down" could have sustained their goodness over the years? I
don't know. I think we need to be super-excited about good shows when
they are on and let our friends know they ought to watch. But some
good things just can't last. It does give those creative people a
chance to develop different new shows. 23 episodes are too difficult
to make, the networks should take their cue from the 13 episode good
serieses on basic cable or British shows which only make like 6 shows
at a time. It gives everyone to think of the best ideas. Too many
shows get into writing ruts and become shadows of their best ideas. I
hope this answered your question.

Setec Astrology

Dear President Lincoln,

Did you like the time-traveling Valentine that Cassie sent to you?

Edith Zimmerman

From Jim, who's on a bus.

It's nice to be remembered at all. I died so long
ago. And I was never really enormously popular with voters. Or thought
of as all that attractive. I talk to Taft sometimes (we're both in
Hell, most Presidents are) and he wonders when he'll come back into
sexual vogue. I'm tall and lanky, my beard usually smelt like maple
syrup and tobacco. To have people think of me as sexy, it's a little
embarrassing. I take the compliment gladly. They hadn't really even
invented sex when I was around. We had no idea what were doing back
then. It's nice to be written about so fancifully. But I wouldn't even
know what to do with a modern woman. Gettysburg was the only G Spot I
was ever able to find.

daniel

Dear White Fang,

You look so ferocious. I suppose this is not a question, but really just an observation. And, in some circles, a compliment.

Best,
Daniel

garge

Dear President Lincoln,

Does it offend you that I have a picture of Lewis Payne hanging in my apartment because it was the stock photo used on the cover of my copy of Felix Holt, the Radical, and I think he (Felix) was really hot and, in a way, sort of reminds me of my favorite exbf (characterization-wise, not aesthetically)? I may or may not fantasize about him as Felix, also, if this affects your answer.

hungrybee

That's the first time I have had a crush on a dead assassination conspirator. (Last?)

Probs

Dora, you are known as an Explorer, the closest Spanish language analogue of which is most likely Conquistador. Do you actively seek to embody the inherent contradictions of "la raza," using the contrast between your childlike innocence and the conquering, trampling explorer, who finds a land bustling with people and says it is now discovered, now that a person who counts has seen it? Does your childish aspect make a mockery of the idea the noble savage, and your methodical exploration mock the western notion of controlling the world by observing it in a controlled fashion? Or is this contrast unconscious; is this burden not optional, a legacy of your forebears to which you are bound by guilt just as I am to mine?

Dora, why is Swiper such a dick?

ButterflyFace

Dear White Fang,
"Charity is a bone shared with the dog when you are just as hungry as the dog."
What are some deserving charities in your opinion? And did you eat dinner yet? What did you have?

Internet Girl

Dear John Wieners,

Do you have anything to reccomend you, aside from sharing your surname with a phrase commonly used to describe a popular and cute breed of small dogs? Can you give me a sample of your work to help me decide if you are interesting?

minou

Dear John Wieners,

And is he?

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