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Friday, March 18, 2011

26

A Picnic Can Tell You So Much About a Man

It's spring, that magical time when we all dump our winter boyfriends and start heading out on the town to find new love! But how are we supposed to know if the guy we've just met is worth our while? According to Babe Scott, a "manthropologist" at CNN, we just have to determine his culinary style. For instance,

"If he invited you out for a picnic but forgets the blanket, substitutes beer for bubbly and instead of a restaurant-worthy repast provides a McMeal, then this guy is obviously not going to rate as any sort of gourmet Sir Galahad. He is your typical Homer Simpson type."

It's true. Drinking beer on wet grass doesn't sound that hot, and McMeals are dealbreakers! So how do we figure out if someone has what it takes to satisfy us long-term?

"If your date packs a romantic meal for two: think shared nibblies, cold chicken, bubbly and even a salad, then this speaks volumes. This guy is someone who will invest in romance — not just now but in the future."

Got it, he plans a romantic meal; therefore we can deduce he is romantic and will always be that way. Easy enough, but what if we run into someone who refuses to eat outside of his house. Is he a suitable mate?

"If a guy only wants to stay indoors then it means one of two things: either he has silverfish in his wallet (as he uses it so infrequently) or he is allergic to sunlight. Neither are attractive options."

OK, so we should stay away from guys who keep bugs in their wallets (even if it's by accident) and/or cannot go out into the sunlight. I think that's it. That's all we need to know. Now we should go out to the park and wander around aimlessly until we find a stranger who's got a picnic (with champagne!) laid out for us.

26 Comments / Post A Comment

atipofthehat

Okay, but what about guys who cut a hole in the bottom of the picnic basket and offer up a "surprise"? I'm, um, asking for a friend.

cherrispryte

Better a picnic basket than a pizza box. It's much classier.

antarcticastartshere

Remember, if you must give up your winter boyfriend, consider a no-kill shelter.

boyofdestiny

I like eating outside because the silverfish aren't in my wallet, they're in my house.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

[insert lame vampire reference here re. allergic to sunlight remark][mmm vampires]

antarcticastartshere

I'm just going to go ahead and take this opportunity to say that it is very hard for me not to reply "BACARDI AND COKE MYFANWY" after every single comment you make. <3 I am sorry if your name is really just Myfanwy and you have never watched Little Britain.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

I have never watched Little Britain, it's in reference to another Myfanwy (also, pressure to think of a handle quick, I am terrible at this.) Now I think I need to watch it!

applestoapples

Cold chicken is romantic?

MoonBat

I think if a man packs "nibblies" and salad, he's probably just chosen a picnic as a nice way to break it to me that he's not into girls anymore.

gimlet

What are "nibblies?" What are "silverfish?" Who am I? Is this English?

ThundaCunt

lol! my thought exactly Moonie!

teaandcakeordeath

I always wanted to marry someone like Homer Simspon.
And now, thankfully, I know how to screen for him!

Xora

I imagine Babe Scott, Manthropologist, being informed during a routine pesticide application that certain rooms in her apartment have silverfish because they aren't used as often. This upsets Babe. A lot. (Silverfish are really gross.) But she has to write her CNN piece for the week. So she falls back on the technique that's gotten her this far in life. "Use your pain, Babe," she tells herself. "Funnel your pain into your work."

MollyculeTheory

If you have to immediately explain your metaphor in parentheses, Babe, it probably wasn't a good idea to start with.

But thanks anyway! Wallets full of silverfish are hilarious.

allifer

"He has silverfish in his wallet (because they are his pets)"
"He has silverfish in his wallet (because you put them in his wallet to test his commitment to picnicking)"
"He has silverfish in his wallet (there are earwigs in his toothbrush cup, also)"

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

"He has silverfish in his wallet (because they are obscure and nobody has heard of them here)"

cherrispryte

Do I have really low expectations in my relationship, or do people not really actually do things like this? (The answer could be yes to both!)

T-riffic

Yes, people do not actually do things like this. At least, that's what I tell myself. The most romantic thing my bf has done in the recent past is say that he likes it when we go grocery shopping together. I died when he said that.

gluecake

What does it mean if they pack a wine bottle in a Trente cup? And give you your own swirly straw? Because really, that was my seduction plan for this spring.

Gwan

Hmm, I would have thought broke guys would have been amongst the most likely to go for the picnic instead of springing to take you to a restaurant... (Not that I have anything against picnics.)

Mariajoseh

and what if I don't like picnics? is there a WOMENTHROPOLOGIST out there telling men to stay away from me?? my ex really liked them (OK, he planned two in two years) but I love tables. I'm weird that way. We can hang outdoors and then come inside to eat. Am I weird??. Also, I never got a winter boyfriend,my hopes are not high on finding a spring one.

cmcm

I WANT beer on my picnic! Boy, if I'm gonna do afternoon drinking I want to do it right. With beer. In the grass. Like a homeless person.
I am so into romance.

ranran

I read "manthropologist" as "misanthropologist." This changes things.

notjenny

I am cool with spiders, snakes, centipedes, and the scary huge metal looking grasshoppers that always find their way into my tent while camping, but silverfish creep me the fuck out. You kind of need to live in an area of the country where moss starts to grow on you if you're not careful to see them...but they were all over my college dorm and pop up at my parents' house every once in a while and they're horrifying.

ilikemints

Agreed completely. In my idea of Hell, Satan is a giant silverfish.

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