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Thursday, February 24, 2011

21

The Best Time I Peed on Something for Revenge

Jessica: OK I meant to pee on my ex-boyfriend's car, but I was smart enough to be like, "It's going to be really embarrassing if he catches me squatting on his hood," so my roommates and I peed in Dunkin Donuts coffee cups and empty Ben & Jerry's containers and brought them over to his house to dump on his car.

Edith: Oh my god.

Jessica: But then his car wasn't there!!!!!!!!!
So we just left them on his porch.

Jessica Grose is an associate editor at Slate.



21 Comments / Post A Comment

David Cho

We should optimize this page better for Jessica Grose's search rankings.

deepomega

S! E! O! S! E! O!

JGro

You guys come on! I share my pee story with you and this is how you repay me with SEO threats? You better be nice or I will leave pee on your porch.

anna to the infinite power

lawlgasm. I once enticed a drunk punk to piss all over the car of a (still) good friend who was being an asshole at the time. Stupidly it was on the back of the car, and I doubt he ever noticed it. Go for the driver's side door kids!

klooky

a friend's roommate once accused me of peeing in his trashcan late one night while he was sleeping 4 feet away. i tried and i tried but i could not convince him that i definitely did not pee in his trashcan! he called me all kinds of creative names. we ended up dating for 2 years.

and that's the story of the strangest relationship i've ever been in.

garge

Are you 100% sure you didn't, though? When I was a little kid, I sleepwalkpeed in the trash can once, and in my sister's bureau on another occasion.

cherrispryte

Well, that moves you several spots down my "Awl Summer Camp Potential Roommate" list. And you had been doing so well!

Meredith L.

This whole post makes me thankful for really "That's gross/awesome, let's do it!" roommates.

marz

Wow. This is eerily similar to something I once did, except my ex's car WAS there, and my roommate, my roommate's friend, and I decided it would be best to dump our pee into the air vents under the car's front windshield. Our drunken idea was that this would cause his car to smell like pee when he turned on the air conditioning the next day, but I have no idea if the plan was successful because I do not know how cars work.

Also, for some reason we decided we all had to pee into the same cup, but in case you didn't know, one person's pee can fill up a cup pretty easily. So we ended up having to dump some of it out each time the next person added their share.

And, FYI, each person gave their donation to the cup in private. This was a classy affair.

NeenerNeener

Best time my friend (realy, my friend) peed on something for revenge:
After a long car trip, or mid car trip, my friend really had to pee. So we got off the highway and stopped in this little plaza. She went into a market, was denied bathroom use, and then went into a hair salon. Apparently the woman there also would not let her pee. Friend proceeded to beg the woman, and the woman was not budging. Friend then went across the street to a hotel to use their services... Meanwhile, I back in my car in the parking lot of the plaza, see hairdresser lady come out. She looks at me and does the crazy swirling-finger-pointing-to-the-head sign about my friend.
Friend comes back from hotel with a dixie cup... She passes my car, and goes straight for the hairdresser's door, opens it, dumps (or splashes) the pee in there. We leave. That was awesome.

hannihilation

My friends all peed on my ex's porch. Without my provocation, or knowledge. They just lined up and did what needed to be done.

Hot mayonnaise

In college (of course), I watched a friend drop a deuce on the hood of a random car on the street. We were laughing very hard.

magenta_galaxy

I used to commute from downtown Chicago to the suburbs for work. Reverse commuting was not much better than normal commuting, and after a day of sitting in traffic for nearly two hours, I was eager–or rather desperate–to get home, and not just because I had to go to the bathroom. I drove around the block of my apartment building a few times, and there were no spot, as is the norm in Lincoln Park. Going through an alley, I spotted a car perpendicular to me backing out of a very tight spot. I waited. Before I knew it two cars were behind me, one of which started honking incessantly. I pulled to the right to let him get around–just as the car leaving the tight spot finally pulled out.

That jerk honking the horn of his SUV swerved around me and stole the spot. I got out of the car as he pulled in and waited for him. I stared at him with my mouth hanging open. He refused to look at me. Finally unable to no longer ignore me as I yelled "You're really going to steal my spot? You KNOW I was taking that," He simply replied: "It's Chicago."

After thirty minutes of fuming in my car searching for another spot (much farther away), I went upstairs, peed in a cup, and dumped it on the door handle. Not my proudest moment, and surprisingly, not that satisfying.

To make myself feel better, I purchased numerous gay pride stickers and stuck them all over the back of his car. This is Boys Town after all, and he might as well be a billboard for a cause I believe in!

In short, peeing is not the most creative way for revenge.

nonvolleyball

my favorite thing about this story is that it suggests you were somehow living in three different neighborhoods simultaneously. (I know, simplification for narrative streamlining, etc. but funny if you're from Chicago.)

magenta_galaxy

Well...let's see Boys' Town was up the street. All have a Chicago zip...I'm not sure what the third one you're talking about would be. I didn't even mention that my apartment was technically in Lakeview and not Lincoln Park. How about I summarize it and say that part of Chicago college grad yuppies live in during their twenties, which is filled with assholes?

Mariajoseh

I feel stupid because I've never peed on something for revange (not even daydreamed about it!) or know anyone who has. It seems like a lot of fun.

metalkpretty

It's never too late!

likethestore

Do you have a crappy roommate? I once peed on a roommate's toothbrush. That was pretty amazing.

Mariajoseh

My roomate is my sister and she's OK. But I hope someone does something horrible to me soon so I can plot (and pee!) my revange.

Jon Wiener

I got really drunk one night and peed into my landlord's mail-slot.

Quite possibly the longest and most satisfying pee of my life.

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