Queer Credentials, Reverse Crushes, and a Handy How-To
I want you to treat this question like a naive child, not like a chauvinist adult, but I’m really dying to know the answer. At what point does a girl loses her virginity to another girl? I know, I know, I’m such a boy, everything’s about penetration and my junk, but really, as I am specifically a GAY man and have no plans on going near a vagina at any point in the foreseeable future (I mean, I’m a Double Gold Star Gay, I was C-sectioned, I didn’t even come OUT of a vagina), I’ll be the first to admit that I know zero about sex with girls, especially when it’s sex between two girls (which, again, doesn’t turn me on like it does straight men). So really, I ask your forgiveness, but I really want to know. Is there a definite definition of biological girl-on-girl virginity loss that was ratified by a three-quarter majority at the Strategies of Lesbianism Convention — which I believe was held down the road from my house in Jamaica Plain — or is this something that’s unique to each person? And if it’s the latter, how do YOU define when you lost YOUR virginity to a girl?
The Strategies of Lesbianism Convention was never really very effective, and, in fact, only ever passed one resolution, which stated that they would “totally get with” Queen Latifah. So it’s up to queer women to define for themselves what virginity means to them.
What some people might not realize is that this is true for straight people and gay men, too. In our culture, penetrative sex is so often portrayed as the finishing line of all sexual experience that whenever we talk about getting it on, we assume that means someone got a Tab A up their Slot B. But “sex” can refer to an enormously wide range of activities, and by extension, so can “losing your virginity.” For instance, there are some gay men who are wholly uninterested in anal sex and have never had it — would you really describe all those dudes as virgins? Even if they blew their entire fraternity house? What about Christian teenagers having anal sex, believing that counts as “saving themselves for marriage” because their hymens still have that new-car smell?
It’s insane that our culture assigns so much value to one particular sexual act to the extent that if you’ve done it, that one specific thing, you are a whole different kind of person than you were before. We have a whole separate noun to denote never having had penetrative sex — can you think of any equivalent to that in the English language? There’s no word that means “person who has never eaten sushi” or “person who has never played racquetball.”
OK, that was all tangential to the real answer to your question, which is: Virginity is a mental state, not a physical one. Once a person has had a sexual experience that she regards as definitively sex, she is no longer a virgin, and she gets to decide what that experience is. The first time she has oral sex? The first time she makes another woman come? The first time she convinces her girlfriend to dress up as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and “stake” her? All those things count (and they count for straight people too). Most lesbians, in my experience, count their queer sex lives from the first time they exchanged orgasms with a lady, whether said orgasms were manual, oral, or battery-powered, and that’s where I would draw my personal line. But ultimately, I don’t believe in a universal definition of virginity for anybody, gay or straight. Our sex lives are between us, our partners, and whatever we keep in the toy box. Why should anybody else get a say?
OK so they say every straight person has a few gay fantasies/people they’d switch teams for. In my experience this has been pretty much universally true — if you get people into an honest enough mindset and ask, they’ll usually admit to a couple incongruous thoughts no matter how ‘straight’ they are. Is the same true for the other side of the fence? Do sworn lesbians tend to have at least a couple hetero fantasies where they’d play switch hitter if Johnny Depp (or whoever) asked really nicely?
I’m sorry, what did you say? I was thinking about John Barrowman’s shoulders. (Yeah, I know, dude is gayer than a barrel of drag queens, but if I’m gonna go straight for him then he should make the same sacrifice, don’t you think? It’s only fair.) Inappropriate crushes are an integral part of the human experience. Anyone who’s honest — except, I guess, for the staunchly pansexual — has to get at least one boner per lifetime that doesn’t match up with her stated orientation. Most of us might never act on those fantasies, but everyone has ’em, however fleeting.
A caveat, however: While a small minority of hetero folks have experimented with homosexuality, a HUGE percentage of queers have explored the opposite sex. We do it when we’re young, when we’re afraid to come out, when we’re trying desperately to be normal or just haven’t figured out what it means that we’d rather watch the cheerleaders than the football team. We do it to make our parents happy or because we want to get married and have children and we know it will be much harder to achieve that with the people we truly desire. So by the time someone gets around to identifying as gay, she may very well have worked through all her straight fantasies and then some. If she says she really, truly doesn’t ever think about a boy in that way, it doesn’t mean she’s in denial. It just means she has both been there and done that, and the t-shirt doesn’t go with her wardrobe anymore.
If one identifies as bisexual and is in a long term hetero monogamous relationship, when does one lose queer credentials?
Never. Queer people put in a lot of thought — and often face a lot of bullshit — while figuring out the sexual and romantic identities that work best for us; we’ve earned the right to call ourselves whatever we feel like. You can revise your definition from the inside as you see fit, but no one ever gets to come along and take your dyke card away. If you still get a hard-on when you see a hot girl, you’re queer, even if you never eat pussy again as long as you live. After all, we let virgins call themselves “gay” or “straight” depending on whom they hope to bone when their Day of Boning arrives; your sexual identity is based on desire, not what you do about it.
Now, if you choose to change what you call yourself because you’ve been in this relationship for so long (or you plan to be in it for the rest of your life) and you decide that you are functionally heterosexual, that’s fine! It’s your call! But your queer credentials are like gift cards: they don’t need to be renewed, they don’t expire, and they can’t be exchanged for cash.
I need some better step-by-step instructions for fisting.
Better than what? Is there a crappy fisting manual out there somewhere? I Googled “terrible instructions for fisting” but didn’t come up with anything particularly relevant, so I’m not really sure what I’m attempting to be better than, but here goes anyway.
So you’re going to try fisting! This is an exciting moment in your life, a milestone that should be observed with reverence. Light a candle or something. Be aware, however, that as awesome as fisting is, it can hurt like a bitch — not just the first time, but every single time. You ALWAYS have to go slow, you ALWAYS have to use lube, and you ALWAYS have to check in with your lady-friend frequently to make sure she’s comfortable.
A few cautionary tips: If you’re fisting a casual sex partner, use latex gloves to prevent the spread of STDs. Also, the inside of the vagina is mildly acidic (for real), so even if you’re sure you’re both clean, don’t fist barehanded if you have hangnails or any kind of scratches on your hand. Take it from me: OW.
Start with foreplay — lots of foreplay. Even though you’re gonna be using lube, you want to get your girl as wet as possible the all-natural way first, so she’s good and relaxed. Don’t rush this part! Take your time doing whatever turns her on without pushing her into “oh my God I’m about to” territory. Use your fingers and tongue, not a vibrator, because the vibration will cause the muscles in her lady-area to tighten, and you’re going for loose.
When she’s all revved up and ready to go, start by fucking her (gently, as Tenacious D would advise) with three fingers — or even just two, if she’s particularly tight. At this point, you want a width that’s not even slightly uncomfortable for her to accommodate. While you’re doing that, continue the clit stimulation with your tongue or other hand, but keep the pace slow enough that she’s in no danger of coming too soon, so her vaginal muscles aren’t contracting. Don’t add another finger until she asks you to. The moment you start to encounter difficulty or resistance, grab the lube (which is already sitting within arm’s reach, such that you can snag it without pulling out of your lady just when she’s getting into her groove, because you put it there earlier, duh). Ease your hand most of the way out — the tips of your fingers still inside her, maintaining the stimulation — and pour some lube onto your hand. Make sure it gets everywhere that’s exposed, but especially around your knuckles. There’s no such thing as too slippery. Did you put a towel under her hips? Well, you’re not getting up to grab one now, so I guess you’re washing the sheets tonight.
At this point you should be fucking her with four fingers. Curl your hand up as much as possible so that it’s kind of tubular in shape, with all your fingers straight — I’m not sure that conveys the exact position, but you want your thumb coming up across your palm in between your middle and ring finger; the idea is to make your hand as small as possible in circumference. Contrary to what the name would have you believe, DO NOT make a fist! This is supposed to be “sexy fun time,” not “childbirth in reverse.” When you’ve got your hand as narrow as you can make it, start sliding it in and out again, very slowly and gently, pushing in a little bit deeper every time. If your girl says “stop” or makes an ouch face, cease what you are doing IMMEDIATELY and wait for her go-ahead to continue.
She’ll probably want you to take a break from the clitoral stimulation at this point; what she’s feeling is way intense, and she doesn’t need any distractions. Unless she does! In which case, the easiest thing may be for her to take over on that front and let her fingers do the walking, so you can concentrate on what you’re doing. When you’ve got your hand inside her up to your knuckles, slow down. Yeah, I know, you’re already going as slowly as you can. Go slower. I mean it. In fact, you may want to stop completely and let her do the pushing — hold your hand still and let her rock her hips back and forth to envelop you. She’ll tell you when she wants you to start thrusting again.
Once you’re past the knuckles you’re basically there, but continue to go very slowly and with a slight in-and-out motion until you’re all the way to the wrist. At that point you can curl your fingers into a loose fist, and wait for her instructions on how to proceed. Be aware that every tiny movement you make at this point will feel enormous to her — just tightening and releasing your fist may be enough to get her off, so don’t get overzealous and wind up punching her in the cervix. Resume the clitoral stimulation from earlier (you may also use a vibrator now if you want) until she comes so hard you’re a little afraid she’s going to break your hand. When she’s done, wait until she tells you to pull out — that part can hurt worse than the insertion, so once again, go slow and be gentle! And please, it’s just polite, wait until her breathing has completely slowed before you start bitching about your pins and needles.
Previously: Sex, Exes, and the Bi-curious.
A Queer Chick is a queer chick who knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?