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Monday, February 21, 2011

22

President I'd Least Like to F*ck

In honor of Presidents Day, Nerve brought out their list of the Top 43 Sexiest U.S. Presidents. They make some good picks. Teddy Roosevelt is very deserving of the #1 spot, and JFK and Obama make excellent choices for the 2nd and 3rd. But there is one glaring error, IMHO. Namely, they’ve rated George W. Bush the 7th sexiest president. Seriously?

They use a pic of Bush in his younger days and claim: “If he had remained owner of the Texas Rangers, he would have been one of the sexiest businessmen in America.” Maaaayyybbeeee. But I think the point is that he definitely did not remain in baseball. He was “elected” President, and then went on to have an insane 8 years of almost complete and total failure. Is there any way you’d want to sleep with a guy who does these kinds of things?

OK, say you could get past all of his blunders and terrible policies. Would you even be able to get through dinner with him? Let's imagine it: you’ve just arrived home after spending 15 years on another planet, and you know nothing of Bush or his presidency. You’ve for some reason been set up on a date with him, and you’re sitting across from him in a nice restaurant. He is talking to you with a slow, condescending voice that he thinks is charming, and you’re wondering if maybe he’s had a few too many drinks because it really shouldn’t be that hard for anyone to get words out of their mouth in the right order. But, in the interest of keeping things friendly, you reply with something interesting, like maybe you start explaining the central themes of the dissertation you wrote at Space University. He leans in a little closer and squints with a little twinkle in his eyes. And then he turns the corners of his lip up slightly, like he wants to smile but is holding it in. And he just looks so pleased with himself for pretending to listen to you—and you want to smack him!

There is no way you’d go home with that guy, right?? And so I declare that for his smirk alone he has earned the title of President I’d Least Like to F*ck (PILL2F*CK for short).

Picture via Flickr

22 Comments / Post A Comment

DoctorDisaster

I'm guessing they didn't want to deal with conservatrolling in the comments, so they gave the manifestly unsexy W a big pity boost. Anyone remember the Merkel backrub? Ew.

sorry your heinous

"The Merkel Backrub"

someguy

Barf, also Merkel got rearranged in my head to Merkin

Jessica Jernigan

"He's fun, spontaneous, obsessed with his body, and knows how to party. Bush is great one-night-stand material for all the same reasons that he was a terrible president." I humbly suggest that a man who is obsessed with HIS body is most assuredly not "great one-night-stand material." I think that the fact that I got through all 8 years of his presidency without ever considering what he was like in the sack speaks volumes about W's sexiness. He's not even hot in an "I-know-he's-an-asshole-but-he's-hot" kind of way. No. I'd go all the way with Millard Fillmore before I'd do Bush.

P.S. According to EVERYONE I know who has ever been in the presence of Bill Clinton, he's, like, Elvis-hot. Absolutely mesmerizing, even when he's fat or wearing a polo shirt with one-half of the collar flipped up and one down or whatever. Just all-encompassing-hot, even though, intellectually, you know he shouldn't be.

Caitlin Podiak

Clinton spoke at my college graduation and I got a chance to shake his hand. He definitely has charm and magnetism but I definitely wouldn't call him all-encompassing Elvis-hot.

ellaminnow

Re: Clinton, THIS. I met him at the DNC and even though we were standing in the Pepsi Center and there were 8,000 people around us or whatever, for the thirty seconds he and I were talking, we were the only two people on the fucking planet.

Jessica Jernigan

I mean, for real: Let's suppose you can imagine a George W. Bush sex scandal. Which you can't. But, if you could: How boring would it be? Very.

Hot mayonnaise

Alright, who would you rather: George W. Bush, George H. W. Bush, or both at the same time? (Today, not when they were in office!)

MollyculeTheory

"The Top 43 Sexiest US Presidents is blocked for: Adult Content"

lolol

juliec

The only situation where I could imagine fucking GWB is if I get to eat him when it's over.

emkay

James Garfield at #26?! Outrage. Jamie (as I call him) was a devoted fan of Jane Austen novels, had a specially designed chair for reading, juggled in order to keep in shape, and was not only ambidextrous but he could write in Greek with one hand WHILE writing in Latin with the other hand. I think GB and GWB are ranked highly simply because, you know, they're alive. Whereas Garfield, being dead for over a century, gets low marks. That's way shallow.

fairlyalarmed

You guys, can we talk about how there is a Stand With Michele Bachmann to DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD ad on this page? I mean...aside from her politics, we WERE just speaking of people who are completely unfuckable based on how intellectually bankrupt they are. BOO.

blee

I've got something for Newt Gingrich. The marketing team behind these ads clearly knows what's up on TheHairpin.com

splashalemon

Clinton. I'd get under that. Doesn't matter which one.

emmereffer

You know why I like Ulysses S. Grant? Cuz his wifey, Julia Dent, was v. cross-eyed. http://i.imgur.com/9Kprf.jpg See?

Also http://whitehousetapes.net/clips/1964_0809_lbj_haggar/ is suuuuuuch a funny listen. Not sure whether it makes LBJ more or less attractive.

palliata

This was really great and political. If only that was what I came to this blog for...

cmcm

This one time I was at a bachelorette party in Dewey Beach, and we were playing "would you rather". It was between Dubya and someone else I can't remember, but I do very clearly remember that I yelled "I WOULD RAGE FUCK GEORGE W. BUSH"

Did I mention that we were on a crowded bus filled with children? In my defence, it was 11pm and I was drunk. Also I'm a real classy lady.

adminslave

I called this in middle school! They gave us a presidential ruler (totally useless) with pics of all the presidents up to Clinton, and most were of the opinion that Franklin Pierce was #1, with Clinton and JFK trailing.

Shannon Sarver

Completely disappointed at Ford's placement. There's a photo of him in his college football days...oh. Here it is. http://tiny.cc/trjzt

PILF.

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