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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

29

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

A Junk Food Wake-up Call
I loved “The Big Junk Food Test” [November 2010]. I’m a college freshman and typically eat things like pizza, chips and ramen noodles. I always feel tired and lethargic. This article opened my eyes; thank you for helping me realize how important it is to eat better and not put my health on the back burner.
Deanna M., Medford, Ore. (Glamour, January 2011)

I typically boil butter, sugar, pesticide, and lard together, then inject it into my butthole with a needle I stole from the veterinarian. I’m actually gonna go do it again in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to take a break and drop by to say hey. “Hey!”
Jessica T., Huntington, NY

Redesign Reaction
I just got your latest issue. I was worried when I saw you were changing it because I loved SELF so much the way it was — why change a good thing? But I love the new layout, and the articles are fantastic! Thanks for keeping the magazine great while updating the look.
Kristi M., Lakeville, Minnesota (SELF, January 2011)

At first I was like “Nooo,” (SAC, screaming and crying) but then I was like “Okaaayyyy!!!” (SIN, saying it normal).
Lulu T., Anchorage

It’s Official: You Heart Reese
I’m so happy that Reese Witherspoon was your January 2011 cover girl [“Hot, Happy and Having a Blast”]. I’ve been a fan of hers forever, and it’s nice to see a celebrity with talent and an admired career get recognized over other celebrities of the moment.
Andrea B., Pewaukee, Wis. (Glamour, March 2011)

When the sun first shone upon the earth, all was desert and mountain, tundra and plain. But then you see a dot on one of the plains. “What's that?” you think. And so you zoom in. “Is that a tree?” You keep zooming in, and no, it’s not a tree, because you realize, “That’s a person,” and you keep zooming in, and eventually you see that it’s me, and I’m bent over something, working hard. When I notice you behind me, I turn around and hold up what I’ve been working on: a portrait of Reese Witherspoon. Then you zoom in on the drawing, on Reese’s face, and you get so close on her eye that you see I’ve even drawn my own reflection in her eyeball, and then if you keep zooming in — and you do keep zooming in — on my reflection in her eyeball, you see I’ve also drawn a reflection of Reese in my reflection's eyeball. And so forth, until you can't remember which woman had the other one inside her first, and also you can't zoom out.
Louise J., Chicago

What’s Your Story?
I was amazed to learn $50 can help rescue an elephant in “A Mammoth Heart” [November]. Kudos to Kristin Davis’s work with the Devid Sheldrick Wildlife Trust! Let’s just say I added fostering an orphaned elephant to my birthday wish list.
Sarah Dl, via instyle.com (InStyle, January 2011)

I would have thought it’d cost like a thousand dollars to help an elephant, they’re so big. If I ever met one in real life, I’d be like, “Careful, do NOT come near me, no joke.” And if it did, I’d throw a rock at it, I don’t care.
Brenda T., Grand Rapids, MI

You Really Like Me
I should probably just start out by saying that Allure has truly changed my life. I can’t live without your magazine. Every month, I read every word and every page, and take everything you say to heart. I’ve read many other magazines, but Allure seems like it actually cares about the readers. Allure gives you tips and ideas on how to look better and feel better about yourself. You know that people often have budgets, so you try not to add too many expensive things. Before I started reading Allure, I was insecure and overweight, and never wore makeup. Now, I’ve lost 30 pounds and tried the makeup tips, and I look great and have confidence. I just wanted to say that Allure changed my life and to keep doing everything you’re doing so that you can continue to inspire people.
Hannah L., Broadalbin, NY (Allure, February 2011)

Oh and this is NOT a big deal, but do you have fifty thousand dollars I could borrow? Blah blah, long story short, my wallet got stolen and my bank just closed permanently without telling anyone and I need to pay the hospital. What happened is I got hit by a car and then the car backed up and drove over me again, and I broke every bone in my body, including my skull, in half. When the ambulance got there I was literally holding the two halves of my head together to keep my brain from falling out, and a little bit did fall out the back. Don’t worry though I’m totally fine I just need some money, and I’ll pay you back tomorrow. Do you have it? If you have it on you I can help you take it out.
Jen C., Dickinson, ND

You Look Amazing!
At first I was a bit doubtful when I saw the headline “The Look-Amazing Race” in the December issue — I figured, how many articles have there been on quick makeup tricks that end up taking forever or are hard to follow? However, this article proved me wrong. Not only does it give great advice and detailed, easy-to-follow steps, but it includes a wide array of quick beauty how-tos, from hair to makeup to eyebrows. After trying the nine-minute curls (which really did take about nine minutes) and seeing great results, I tore out the article and hung it in my bathroom for easy access. The holiday parties are in full swing, and I can truthfully say I have tried most of the tips in the piece: the curls, party makeup, red lips, smoky eyes, and manicure.
My favorite has to be the party makeup, which I have started to incorporate into my every day make-up routine. It easily swaps blush for bronzer when skin is pale during the gloomy winter months and uses only five different cosmetics, total. This article is incredible and has truly sped up my party-prepping time and daily beauty regimen! It is refreshing to find that the steps and times in the article are accurate and easy to follow, and produce amazing results.
Amy T., Boston (Allure, February 2011)

Sometimes I press my face against the radiator until I can smell my skin burning. I don't know, it just wakes me up. Can this comment be followed by six inches of hearts?
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Ginger P., Queens

Previously: I need you to see what kind of smiles I'm capable of.



29 Comments / Post A Comment

Tulletilsynet

I used to think these were made up. I mean the parody part.

MoonBat

At first I was like “Nooo,” (SAC, screaming and crying) but then I was like “Okaaayyyy!!!” (SIN, saying it normal).
New favorite saying.

nonvolleyball

agreed! oh my god, I laughed so hard at this whole piece. also: "...And if it did, I’d throw a rock at it, I don’t care." hilarious.

MoonBat

Don't worry though I'm totally fine I just need some money, and I'll pay you back tomorrow.

Bittersweet

Wait, what's going on here? My skin burning on the radiator just woke me up.

jesseekah

"...And so forth, until you can't remember which woman had the other one inside her first, and also you can't zoom out."

This is like the endings of all the good episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Bonnie Downing

Juussstt keeepppp wriiitinnng theeesssse.

one cow.

"...If I ever met one in real life, I’d be like, 'Careful, do NOT come near me, no joke.' And if it did, I’d throw a rock at it, I don’t care."

me <--- dying.

bunB

I'm so annoyed that I can't laugh out loud right now because I so want to.

thundertheft

I started laughing at my desk uncontrollably and ended up putting the phone to my ear so if anyone came by it would look like I was at least in a conversation with another human.

Argyle

YES, thank you, wonderful, bravo!

anna to the infinite power

"until you can't remember which woman had the other one inside her first, and also you can't zoom out."

I just choked on my own spit while it was in my throat, oh gawd. this is one for the fucking ages. Iloveyouguyzomg

atipofthehat

"You can't zoom out" sums up much of life!

julia

Having never read letters to the editors of women's magazines, I was unaware that they were all written by editors of women's magazines. So naïve.

thundertheft

And mostly interns, who are trying to kiss ass to get a permanent job there ...

janedonuts

"And also you can't zoom out"

brilliant.

scroll_lock

This feature and F/M/K are the best. Please to be doing both, DAILY.

Napoleon

These things (and also pretty much everything Edith ever writes) give me the laughter-equivalent of panic attacks. They are THAT INTENSE.

Which is good, because that means I can't breathe/am crying from UNBELIEVABLE HILARITY.

"And if it did, I’d throw a rock at it, I don’t care." I want to marry this.

Jim Demintia

"I typically boil butter, sugar, pesticide, and lard together, then inject it into my butthole with a needle I stole from the veterinarian."

Is this a J.K. Huysmans reference?

hairdresser on fire

I just cried laughing, in the middle of my student union, next to a table of muscular construction workers drinking protein shakes (????? what, are you students, who are you) and I wish I could explain this all to them. The laughing. The six inches of hearts. Edith, you are a national treasure, don't ever stop.

PBandJ

I read that Allure one and immediately thought PLEASE PLEASE include and yay. Also, WTF.

Queen of Pickles

Best thing I have read all weeeeeek. Fuckit, best thing I have DONE all week. Besides washing my neck with raw octopus, which keeps it moistened and zingy.

LADIES BEING LADIES YO

DoctorDisaster

Not sure how I managed to be the first to giffify this, but also, you can't zoom out.

atipofthehat

I just looked at this and had a...response.

Uh-oh.

Toonz

These are the best things ever.

kellyelizardbeth

These! These are the greatest thing on the Internet. Love.

type_slowly

OK no joke last time I got a manicure I read the "Allure changed my life" letter while I was waiting for my nails to dry. And I immediately thought of this column.

thundacunt_1

i "six inches of hearts" Edith.

the word butthole always make me LOL!

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