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Friday, February 4, 2011

17

How to Know If You've Been Raped

A handy checklist based on the federal government’s (FBI, UCMJ) — recently updated — definition of “forcible rape."

1. Are you a man or a woman?

-If you are a man, you have not been raped. Stop here.
-If you are a woman, and have always been female, proceed to the next question.

2. Were you “raped” by a man or a woman?

-By a woman: Whatever. You weren’t raped.
-By a man: Great, could be. Keep going.

3. Were you penetrated by a male appendage or an inanimate object?

-If it was an object, you’re done. Go get a sandwich or something.
-If it was an exclusively male appendage, please continue.

4. Are you married to the “rapist”?

-If he is your husband, you’re being a bad wife by reading this. Step away from the computer before he sees you.
-If he is not your husband, you may move forward.

5. Are you related to the “rapist”?

-You may proceed whether your answer is yes or no to this question, just trying to embarrass you.

6. Is someone having to read this for you, due to mental incapacity?

-If the answer is yes, you wouldn’t even really know you were raped, would you?
-If the answer is no, keep reading.

7. Were you on a date with this man?

-If the answer is yes, you should have expected this. And if he bought you dinner, you’re ungrateful.
-If the answer is no, please proceed.

8. Were you drinking prior to the incident?

-Yes? Maybe you actually DID want to have sex.
-No? Good girl, keep going.

9. Were you drugged without your knowledge?

-If so, you probably only hallucinated the “rape.”
-If not, you may move forward with the questioning.

10. Are you under the age of 16 and did you have consensual intercourse with someone in authority over you?

-If yes, well now, that’s not “forcible,” you said yes, and you know exactly what all the ramifications of being sexually active are. Now, go play Barbies or something.
-If no, read on.

11. During the course of the rape, did you attempt to fight the rapist?

-If no, then you should be ashamed of yourself. You must have wanted it.
-If yes, there’s still a chance it may be rape. Go on.

12. Was he wearing a red shirt?

-If no, I’m sorry, you don’t qualify.
-If yes, congratulations! You have been raped. I was rooting for ya!

Jennifer Hargis is a single mom from Texas who enjoys reading, writing, and, occasionally, getting her dander up. She's also a survivor of sexual assault.

17 Comments / Post A Comment

science is sexy

"Following an outcry from women's rights groups and [EVERY SINGLE PERSON WITH A SOUL YOU PIECES OF SHIT], House Republicans have removed the "forcible" to describe the rape exception..."

Fixed!

gsschorn

When they explain it this simply, even a woman can understand it!

splashalemon

Rape hallucinations happen all the time. You can get them from eating poppy seed muffins. :(

cherrispryte

This is useful, because I was looking for one more reason to shoot myself in the face today.

jennatar

I know we probably already watched this, but here it is again (it's funny!): http://huff.to/eUpAZo

hedgehogerie

It *is* 2011, right?

jenh

hey scienceissexy - is it really fixed? is it true? i'd hate to breathe a big sigh of relief and have my faith in humanity restored falsely....

Vera Knoop

That part is really fixed, but don't worry-- it's still a heinous bill and a huge blow to reproductive rights!

waywardbetty

Most rape is just "mape" anyway (maybe rape)... you know, like "maybe" you wanted it, "maybe" you drank too much, "maybe" you liked it, and "maybe" you actually wanted to take that roofie that made you shit your pants.

nice_belt

Did a Republican Congress just pass a bill regarding a woman's reproductive rights?

if no, check shirt color.
if yes, assholes.

Elizabeth Boggs@facebook

this test is retarded from question one. guys CAN be raped too.
q2- women can also rape other women, and also men. they can using an inattamite object.
Q3- as stated above, rape may be with an inattimate object, by male or female.
Q4- youre not a bad wife by reading this. if it wasnt consentual by both parties, its rape, although laws are different for different states.
Q5-doesnt matter, like this actually says, although i find it unnessicary to try to embarrass someone even more, consirering many would be, just having to look this up.
Q6- its rape if youre mentally disabled and unable to consent. states veiws on this should be looked into, as many are different.
Q7- EVER FREAKING HEARD OF DATE RAPE?? fyi not all girls want to have sex with you just cuz they go to dinner with you. again, if its not consented to by both parties, its rape.
Q8- irrelivent in many cases. AGAIN, if its not consented to by both parties, even if you were drunk, its rape, although it may be difficult to prove should you go to court.
Q9-if you were drugged or may have been drugged, you may have been raped, and in fact more likely were as apposed to someone drugging you for no reason. that doesnt even make sense.
Q10- most states have a legal age at which point you may legally be sexually active. if youre under this age, usualy 16 or 18, then you were raped.
Q11- sometimes you are unable to fight the rapist, like if they are using a knife or gun. if you even said no or stop, its rape. also if you or someone else was threatened, or you were simply to afraid to fight against it or to say for the person to stop, you were probably raped.
Q12- SHUT UP LADY!! look some people look to actually find answers, not your rediculus political thoughts. this is legit the most retarded website ive found on rape. im honestly looking for answers. i just hope for whoever else is looking for answers that they dont bother looking on YOUR page.

Primrose Mungwari@facebook

Jennifer- seriously? u ought to be ashamed of yourself! And to actually have the guts to put this on the net, ill thot n insensitve

Jennifer Hargis@facebook

You people do realize that this was tongue-in-cheek and based on the idiotic principles that Congress was laying out as being the definition of rape, right?

Jennifer Hargis@facebook

Also, I'm disturbed that someone has to research on line whether they've been raped or not. If you have been raped, you know it, no matter what Congress wants to tell you. Sex without your consent is rape. Period.

Madeline M. E.

I think this is a bunch of shit. how can you tell someone that if they are married it isn't rape. Who the hell are you to say that. Rape is rape it doesn't matter who it is. I can't believe that people actually agree with this stuff. if you have never been raped then you don't know what it feels like and how it fucks you up for life. My ex raped me and I didn't know how to tell anyone about it. I felt dirty and he almost kilt me in the process caused I tried to yell. he held a knife to my leg and damn near suffocated me with his hand to cover my mouth so no one could hear me. Know what you are talking about before you put this crap online!!!

myshone

-If yes, well now, that’s not “forcible,” you said yes, and you know exactly what all the ramifications of being sexually active are. Now, go play Barbies or something. Event Planners in Toronto

Gabrielle Hess@facebook

That is stupid. I am only 13, is not my fault I couldn't fight back because I was out cold, I didn't know untill I woke up and by then I was in so much pain I blacked out. I couldn't fight back. I woke up to it.

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