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Monday, February 7, 2011

18

Create the Breasts You Have Always Wanted

You don't have to find the right bra for the breasts you happen to have. And don't let anyone tell you to love and accept your rack just as it is. Instead, remold the bosom you were given into something more acceptable with diet, exercise and attitude.

To firm up the muscles that support the breasts (not the breasts themselves), smile as widely as you can (until it turns into a grimace), hold for a count of ten, and release. Repeat five times.

–Linda Stasi, Looking Good Is the Best Revenge (1984)

It's a tradeoff of course, because that grimace will give you wrinkles. Ladies choice!

Warning: very lightly NSFW chart after the jump.

A simple and pleasant way to exercise the muscles connected with the bosom is to bend from the waist while you are brushing your hair, and brush rhythmically with a brush in each hand.

–Robert Alan Franklyn, M.D., Developing Bosom Beauty (1959)

Fun fact: the more deranged you look while performing an exercise, the better it's working. Diet is important, too.

Now for a surprise, You can reduce your breasts. I have an absolute, sure way. But wait until warm weather. You'll feel much better if you do it then. You must rely entirely on a special diet...For three days is succession do this. When you get up in the morning, drink a glass of hot or cold water. Two hours after your water, drink six ounces of buttermilk. Two hours later, drink another six ounces. Do this every two hours until bed-time. Remember this must be done three days in succession...this buttermilk diet never fails.

–Sylvia of Hollywood, No More Alibis (1934)

I'm pretty sure this works by making your breasts appear smaller in relation to the rest of you, which as plumped up considerably in the last few days. If your issue is not too many breasts but too few, here is an excellent, if slightly confusing, fool-proof plan.

For developing the breasts there is only one course which may possibly succeed. Take up swimming and singing, with an instructor for both.

–Sylvia Ullback's Secretary, Hollywood Undresses, observations of Sylvia as noted to her secretary (1931)

What exactly is she implying? Possibly nothing. I'm really not sure.

The size, shape, firmness and erectness of the breasts, also their relation to the size and contour of the body are all taken into account when a woman is appraised for her charm. By strengthening the supporting muscles, exercise can cause the breasts to be held more erectly and carried more proudly, thus greatly enhancing the personality.

–Ern and Bud Westmore, Beauty, Glamour, and Personality (1947)

Pretty much whenever someone refers to your personality, they are actually talking about your breasts. Even when they say you have a "difficult" personality. But I'm sure you know that by now.

18 Comments / Post A Comment

kitten_witawip

I dunno, I wouldn't poo-poo the advice of Ern and Bud. I can't tell you how much an erect and proud muscle enhances my personality.

And this is late but for the girls with LOTS of personality here is a store with lots of large size personality holders:

http://www.jenettebras.com/collections/

Don't be scared by the fierce looking lady on the home page.

Bonnie Downing

ha: large size personality holders"

cherrispryte

You know, my breasts are the absolute only part of my body I have never agonized over, but keep this sort of thing up and I'll be right on my way!

garge

I know, right? (That is "small"? I would like to see the diagram for "sub-basement"!)

Bonnie Downing

Good point. but what I find nerve racking is that there is nothing between Large and Sagging.

laurel

I have at least two quarrels with that illustration:

In terms of set theory, "sagging" is not exactly parallel to size.

I have little experience with breasts not my own, but I would think that for breast-enthusiasts, the last breast is more "motorboat heaven" than "sagging." Sheesh.

kitten_witawip

Spiral, Ern and Bud would call those vivacious and witty conversationalists.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

I can't speak for all recreational watercraft verb enthusiasts, but in my opinion, aesthetically, "sagging" looks a little dejected, looking down at the floor and all.

cherrispryte

I am just thrilled to be a "medium" anything for the first time in my life.

cerealmonogamy

Um, I created an account so I could announce my findings. The smile-till-you-grimace exercise kind of works if you flat out grimace. Like make a Paul Rudd doing Al Pacino face. I mean, it works in that makes muscles above my breasts jump, anyway. Which feels weird and I've been doing it at my desk over and over...

private hangnail

I like to pretend I'm having a stroke at work, too.

punkahontas

"Take up swimming and singing, with an instructor for both." I imagine someone doing both at the same time, and wonder if swim-singing sounds a little like high-pitched gargling?

diane47

Sounds like drowning.

punkahontas

That's why an instructor is so important!

thundacunt_1

drink hot or cold water? then do or dont drink buttermilk. do or dont tape your breast down with ducktape for 3 days and then beat them with your fists to punch out all that pesky fat. you know, do or dont...entirely up to you!!

magnificentjane

If grimacing made your tits perkier, my dating life would have an unexpected bonus.

KatnotCat

Yeah, I bet chugging warm water and buttermilk really does "feel much better" when the weather is warm.

Lisa Mart@facebook

I'm just glad to be small. Other women in my family are much larger, and I used to be a little jealous, but now I'm much happier and my partner is as well. I know so many people that have had reduction surgery.

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