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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

21

Bouncy Ball Chairs: Bouncing My Way Toward Happiness

It’s been rumored that 2011 is the year of feelings. I personally think I have too many feelings and have spent pretty much every day of every year leading up to this one being upset about something, but whatever. The power of suggestion has instilled in me the desire to make this year something different. My friends and family suggested therapy, but instead I went to Target and bought a big bouncy ball to sit on at work. I figured taking myself off the proverbial throne of my fancy lady office chair would knock me down a few notches and help me to realize that we’re all in this together, or something. Honestly I just preferred to spend $15 on this rather than vitamins or a yoga DVD, or any other number of things that would help me to “simmer down.” What am I, a hippie?

Supposedly the benefits of sitting on a big ball instead of a chair are:

- Proper spine alignment

- Causes you to change positions often

- Improves balance

- Burns 360 calories a day

What the box doesn’t mention is that if you sit on it just so, you can totally masturbate.

Upon inflating my ball chair and taking it on its maiden voyage, I was not pleased. I made a big production out of rolling my old office chair off to the corner where the interns sit and plopping down on my new “life is fun, look, I’m having fun” accessory, but I couldn’t make a move on the thing without having it make a rubbery fart noise, or imagining how my butt cheeks looked, all spread out on it like a fat baby resting its chin on its fat hands. “This thing sucks!” I was telling myself, as I wrapped my thighs around it to get better balance, and then …

So yeah, it’s hard to get stressed out and scream and yell at people when you’re rolling out some amazing orgasms while replying to emails. And the best part is that no one even knows what’s going on because it’s a ball chair, you’re SUPPOSED to wriggle around and bounce up and down on it. The other day a co-worker was looking at me funny like maybe he knew what was going on, but then I was all like, “WTF are you looking at?”

Kelly McClure lives in Olympia, Washington, and spends most of her days checking and re-checking a variety of lists. She writes stuff, works at a record label, and gets hives quite easily.



21 Comments / Post A Comment

nonvolleyball

thank you for ensuring that I'm grossed out every time I see someone sitting on one of those from now on.

(not that masturbation is inherently gross: it's not--it's healthy & natural, etc! but picturing random office drones doing it in your immediate vicinity is another matter entirely.)

Aileen Gallagher

An old boss used to sit on one of those. He would roll it over to my desk for meetings, which made it difficult for me to take him seriously. He did have excellent posture, however. And when he left the company there were plenty of excellent "took his ball and went home" jokes.

Hot mayonnaise

Fine. As long as your monitor matches your George Clooney chair.

sox
sox

my chiropractor says to only use a ball like this one or two days a week or you'll strain your back. perhaps it's related to the added benefits you mentioned?

petejayhawk

I will never again see that sexy stock-photo minx in the same light.

tater bug

I wish I could fit one of those into my cube. I wish I had an office. Or at least a bigger cube. If this is the year of feelings, I'm feeling sad and disrespected.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

My sister had one of these for her computer...one day, we heard an almighty bang and found her sitting on the floor with a surprised look on her face. Also, my boyfriend almost put his knee through the wall while trying to use one. But hey, balls!

cherrispryte

So I've been contemplating getting one of these for my office for a long time - except when I say "office" I mean "U-shaped cubicle" and I am not sure that this would fly.

Joey Camire

If only masturbating for guys were so easy. I'd buy three!

Titania

Thus marking the only circumstance in recorded history where it is easier for women to masturbate than men. I feel .03% bad for you.

DoctorDisaster

@Joey: Seriously! I think the war of the sexes might just have been won.

DataSpeaks

@Titania typical female response. Always self pitying and instead of truly getting ahead, blaming men for their issues. I am so glad i am a man.

ladylaw

I've been using one as a desk chair for years. If you do it right it's great for your back, but you need at least a little bit of core strength first. Maybe that's what sockiboos' doctor meant? Your center of gravity should be right in the middle of the ball most of the time, with your feet flat and your knees not more than eight inches apart. I guess I've been doing it a little too right though because I've never gotten anything resembling an orgasm out of my chairball (I'm guessing for that you need your legs farther apart and your center farther back?) but a mid-day orgasm would be worth some minor back strain, so maybe I need to rethink my approach...

bbiage

I have used a ball chair for about 6 months now, and will not go back to the conventional office desk chair. Check out the ball chair blog to read about more ball chair ideas and resources.

DataSpeaks

I am not sure if i would want to hire a person who masturbate instead of pay attention to work. But who knows, maybe the field she is in, the orgasm can add to the creativity?

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