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Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Get Boners When I Want Him To? Plus Anal Sex and Whining

Is anything to be gleaned from the fact that my boyfriend never tries to have sex with me in the morning? Never a morning boner that he wants to do anything with. I like it when guys initiate sex (whatever, I know, I just find it hotter) so the idea of being like, “Um, aren’t you supposed to have morning wood? Would you like to have sex with me?” sort of sucks. But my favorite sex is hangover sex, and we’ve literally never had it the way I want in all four years that we’ve been dating/living together. He’s also not very sexually aggressive and always wants to do it in the same way, which is boring, and at this point I just agree to sex on a mental timetable (“oh, we haven’t done it in a week, I don’t want us to be one of those couples who doesn’t have sex for longer than a week, so I guess we’ll have sex tonight” wow OK this is depressing!). And yes, yes, I know, I should just ask for what I want, but what if asking for what I want strips the very act of its sexiness?

Yes, you did pretty much answer your own question — especially after being in a relationship for four years, you should by now feel comfortable having discussions about sex with your boyfriend, especially the kind in which you want to complain about not getting fucked enough. It’s such a cliche, but there really is nothing more important in regards to love and sex than communication, yet comfort in this realm is so elusive for so many. Still, there should be no reason for you to even hesitate to have a discussion with your man in which you politely request that the two of you make each other squirt with greater frequency. NO. REASON.

With that said, I think you need to keep in mind that, despite popular myth, not all men are wired the same, especially as we begin to, ugh, mature. Sure, when we’re 20ish, our single focus in life collectively is to pretty much just find other living humans willing to extract semen from our eager, aching wee-wees. But a funny thing happens as we get older — intangibles like intelligence, personality, wit, a soul, etc., begin to factor into the attraction equation, sometimes even outweighing the whole tits and ass thing that was once the only erection-producing ingredient our bodies ever needed. I am not kidding.

My reason for saying all of this is to remind you that your boyfriend may just no longer be the sexual animal he was when he was younger, or maybe he just never was one in the first place. But frankly, if he was never the type of guy to rip off your clothes, throw you against the wall and shag you silly, I seriously doubt that he’s going to magically transform into that guy now. If there are loin-centric needs in your life that aren’t being met, perhaps it’s time to move on or — if you can’t bear the thought of life without him despite the sexual frustrations — have a talk about an open relationship of sorts, so you can get what you need from other men.


I’m a single woman in a city where single men are sparse at best. A handsome man just moved next door to me. I’m certain he’s attracted to me but if we make any attempt at getting to know each other, we’ll be treading on shitting-where-we-eat territory. Thoughts?

I think a lot depends on whether you rent or you own the place you’re currently living in. In other words, how fast can you pull up roots and move to another part of town — or out of town completely for that matter — if shit gets crazy? If you’re living in a place you’re emotionally and financially invested in and hope to live in for years to come, you might want to tread carefully. Otherwise, I say go for it. Sure, it can get messy if things turn sour, but if both of you are sane and mature and it works out it can be glorious. Coming from the perspective of a dude, the thought of having a lover right next door is positively utopian. “Um, hey…can I come over to borrow a cup of sugar and, you know, a blow job?” HEAVEN!

Also, I really think that shitting where you eat has gotten a bad rap. Pigs do it and I can only assume that the term “happy as a pig in shit” exists for a reason.

I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and we love each other to death. He gets into these depressive/not sexual/working all the time moods that almost ended our relationship the first couple times but then he snaps out of it. At one point, I met a girl who I invited in our bedroom (also to snap him out of one of these moods). He got excited then back into his mood and told me I could be with her alone if I needed to because he couldn’t give me the emotion I needed. Now, it is much later and he does better (like maybe it doesn’t last as long or he knows how to talk to me about it) and it definitely hasn’t happened for a while. The girl wants to be with me again (alone) and I really want to. I’m afraid of telling him because it might make him jealous and I like the way things are with us right now. If I do it with out telling him am I cheating?

Okay, seriously, where are you girls finding these libido-less guys? Oh yeah, Brooklyn! Anyway…

Yes, it is cheating if you don’t discuss it with him up front, despite having discussed it previously. That was then, this is now, as they say. To wit: A few years ago I was with a girl who liked girls. At some point, she, like you, invited a girl (we’ll call her “Diane”) into our bedroom and for once a week for about a year the three of us had a great time together. The agreement my ex and I made at the time was that we would only be with Diane, or any other girl for that matter, when we were together. Otherwise we needed permission. So this one time I went out of town for a few days and my girl asked if I would be okay if she and Diane hooked up alone while I was away. I gave her my blessing, and everything was fine. In fact, I remember loving it when she called me after they had sex and told me all of the forbidden things the two of them did to each other while I was away. Then, a few months later, I found out that the two of them had fucked without me again, and when I asked my girl about it she used the ole, “But you were okay with it a few months ago” line on me, and I was livid. Despite the whole thing being a somewhat unorthodox — some would even say freaky — situation, and me being a pretty open-minded guy, something about it just didn’t sit well with me. At all. I felt that my trust had been violated, and we were never really the same after that.

So, by all means, talk to your guy about it. Yes, TALK ABOUT LOVE AND SEX, LADIES! And who knows…maybe the resurgence of his libido will inspire him to want to join in this time.

I want to try anal sex but I’ve been waiting for my long-term boyfriend to bring it up (two years). I guess I don’t want to seem too sexually intense or something? Anal sex has become this thing where it’s supposed to be some gift to a man, when really I just think, based on past positive experiences, I might really like it. What should I do? The concept of having anal sex with a guy who’s doing it as a favor to me is extremely undesirable, and I would rather not have anal sex at all than have that be a concern. Basically, please speak on how to broach anal sex if you are a lady.

Look, I know that I’m beating this cliche to death here, but communication is truly the key to everything in the bedroom. Don’t ever shy away from asking for what you want, or don’t want for that matter. First of all, asking your long-term boyfriend to participate in a sexual act that is, let’s face it, pretty mainstream these days doesn’t make you a “sexually intense” woman. Sounds pretty goddamn normal to me. Asking him if YOU could strap on a dildo and fuck HIM in the ass would probably better qualify one for membership in the “sexually intense” category. Still, any guy who’s turned off by a woman he’s in a relationship with approaching him to have an adult conversation about her fantasies/desires is a guy who should be dumped, because he’s a boy, not a man. Real talk. Other guys who should be dumped immediately and unceremoniously: any guy who asks his girl to bleach her asshole. Just saying.

But while we’re on the subject of anal sex, I’d like to address something you brought up — specifically about how you interpret anal sex as being “some gift to a man.” Can I just say that I’ve had many conversations about sex with other guys over the course of my life, and I can’t recall a single time in which the subject of anal sex has come up as a source of great pleasure. When anal sex does come up, and it rarely does, it’s usually in the context of some sort of weird power trip-y, ego-soothing kind of way along the lines of, “Yeah, I saw my ex and her new boyfriend holding hands in a bar the other day…little does he know that I FUCKED HER IN THE ASS!” Seriously, it’s always like some childish ultimate conquer kind of thing, and never any sort of “OMG ass-fucking feels soooo good” kind of thing. I feel sorry for my gay male friends over their partners not having vaginas. Oh well.

On that same thought, one time I was out with two guy friends, one of which had slept with a girl I also had once slept with, a fact that we were both aware of, and while we were out we ran into the aforementioned girl we had both slept with and we all proceeded to get our chit-chat on. After she walked away, the friend who hadn’t slept with her picked up on the flirty “our genitals all know each other” vibe going around and asked, “So which one of you fucked her?” The friend of mine who had slept with her responded, “We both did, but I’m the only one who she let fuck her in the ass.” Now, given the choice, I’d choose to stick my dick inside of a vagina over a butthole 1000 out of 1000 times, (especially this girl’s vagina, which felt like a vat of warm butter on the inside), but at that very moment, I thought to myself, and I’m so ashamed to admit this, “Damn…I wish I’d have fucked her in the ass too.” I felt one-upped. Sad, but true. Even though anatomically, I don’t think I was intended to put my cock in any girl’s ass. I’ve never really gotten any physical pleasure out of it. In fact, it kinda hurts.

And one last thing on anal — I once had a friend whose girlfriend could only get off by him fucking her in the ass while she used her vibrator on her clit. Poor guy used to complain to me all the time: “Man, I wish I could just have vaginal sex with my girlfriend every now and then.” They eventually broke up over him growing tired of doing nothing but anal with her. It’s a process, a sometimes messy, timely process that’s virtually devoid of spontaneity. In short, anal sex is really not all its cracked up to be (Ba-da-bum).

OK so you’re hooking up with a girl sort of unexpectedly at her house. “I don’t have a condom,” you say. She’s like, “No worries, I do.” Thoughts?

Are you kidding me? It’s 2011, she sure as hell better have condoms at her house! This notion that protection is all the guy’s responsibility is just fucked from here to Moses. As any guy who’s ever ventured off into the night hoping to find a nice lady willing to fuck him can attest, any night you go out with a condom on your person is a night you go out and don’t get laid. Period. It’s like an unwritten law of the universe. Conversely, any night you go out without one on you is the night where the ass comes at you from all directions. As a guy, if you take a girl back to your place, this shouldn’t be a problem since condoms should be well stocked there. But since ladies sometimes fancy taking a man back to their place out of fear that the guy they’re hooking up with might have a power saw and an industrial-sized freezer in his living room, having condoms on hand is an absolute must. Unless, of course, all you want to do is make out and spoon, as I know some of you enjoy doing.

PRO TIP: Have a few magnums mixed in with a few regular sized condoms in the drawer of your nightstand. We come in all shapes and sizes and there are few things worse than having to do the sex with an ill-fitting rubber.

This isn’t really a question, but guys should really never complain about their bodies to people they sleep with. “My dick is so small,” “I’m so fat,” “Am I balding? I think I’m balding, do you think I’m balding?” have got to be among the most least-arousing things on the planet. Be fat, have a tiny penis, have a shiny bald head, but own it! Did you know that? Related: Yes, this is probably related to frustration at girls always being like “i’m so fat, I’m so ugly, etc.” but I swear to god it’s worse when guys do it, somehow. So yeah. That, but in the form of a question.

Seriously ladies, get the fuck out of Brooklyn.

Previously: Fear of Sex, Jealous Boyfriends, and “Am I Just Really Boring?”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?


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