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Friday, January 21, 2011

47

Why Doesn't My Boyfriend Get Boners When I Want Him To? Plus Anal Sex and Whining

Is anything to be gleaned from the fact that my boyfriend never tries to have sex with me in the morning? Never a morning boner that he wants to do anything with. I like it when guys initiate sex (whatever, I know, I just find it hotter) so the idea of being like, “Um, aren’t you supposed to have morning wood? Would you like to have sex with me?” sort of sucks. But my favorite sex is hangover sex, and we’ve literally never had it the way I want in all four years that we’ve been dating/living together. He’s also not very sexually aggressive and always wants to do it in the same way, which is boring, and at this point I just agree to sex on a mental timetable (“oh, we haven’t done it in a week, I don’t want us to be one of those couples who doesn’t have sex for longer than a week, so I guess we’ll have sex tonight” wow OK this is depressing!). And yes, yes, I know, I should just ask for what I want, but what if asking for what I want strips the very act of its sexiness?

Yes, you did pretty much answer your own question — especially after being in a relationship for four years, you should by now feel comfortable having discussions about sex with your boyfriend, especially the kind in which you want to complain about not getting fucked enough. It’s such a cliche, but there really is nothing more important in regards to love and sex than communication, yet comfort in this realm is so elusive for so many. Still, there should be no reason for you to even hesitate to have a discussion with your man in which you politely request that the two of you make each other squirt with greater frequency. NO. REASON.

With that said, I think you need to keep in mind that, despite popular myth, not all men are wired the same, especially as we begin to, ugh, mature. Sure, when we’re 20ish, our single focus in life collectively is to pretty much just find other living humans willing to extract semen from our eager, aching wee-wees. But a funny thing happens as we get older — intangibles like intelligence, personality, wit, a soul, etc., begin to factor into the attraction equation, sometimes even outweighing the whole tits and ass thing that was once the only erection-producing ingredient our bodies ever needed. I am not kidding.

My reason for saying all of this is to remind you that your boyfriend may just no longer be the sexual animal he was when he was younger, or maybe he just never was one in the first place. But frankly, if he was never the type of guy to rip off your clothes, throw you against the wall and shag you silly, I seriously doubt that he’s going to magically transform into that guy now. If there are loin-centric needs in your life that aren’t being met, perhaps it’s time to move on or — if you can’t bear the thought of life without him despite the sexual frustrations — have a talk about an open relationship of sorts, so you can get what you need from other men.

I'm a single woman in a city where single men are sparse at best. A handsome man just moved next door to me. I'm certain he's attracted to me but if we make any attempt at getting to know each other, we'll be treading on shitting-where-we-eat territory. Thoughts?

I think a lot depends on whether you rent or you own the place you’re currently living in. In other words, how fast can you pull up roots and move to another part of town — or out of town completely for that matter — if shit gets crazy? If you’re living in a place you’re emotionally and financially invested in and hope to live in for years to come, you might want to tread carefully. Otherwise, I say go for it. Sure, it can get messy if things turn sour, but if both of you are sane and mature and it works out it can be glorious. Coming from the perspective of a dude, the thought of having a lover right next door is positively utopian. “Um, hey...can I come over to borrow a cup of sugar and, you know, a blow job?” HEAVEN!

Also, I really think that shitting where you eat has gotten a bad rap. Pigs do it and I can only assume that the term “happy as a pig in shit” exists for a reason.

I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and we love each other to death. He gets into these depressive/not sexual/working all the time moods that almost ended our relationship the first couple times but then he snaps out of it. At one point, I met a girl who I invited in our bedroom (also to snap him out of one of these moods). He got excited then back into his mood and told me I could be with her alone if I needed to because he couldn’t give me the emotion I needed. Now, it is much later and he does better (like maybe it doesn't last as long or he knows how to talk to me about it) and it definitely hasn’t happened for a while. The girl wants to be with me again (alone) and I really want to. I’m afraid of telling him because it might make him jealous and I like the way things are with us right now. If I do it with out telling him am I cheating?

Okay, seriously, where are you girls finding these libido-less guys? Oh yeah, Brooklyn! Anyway...

Yes, it is cheating if you don’t discuss it with him up front, despite having discussed it previously. That was then, this is now, as they say. To wit: A few years ago I was with a girl who liked girls. At some point, she, like you, invited a girl (we’ll call her “Diane”) into our bedroom and for once a week for about a year the three of us had a great time together. The agreement my ex and I made at the time was that we would only be with Diane, or any other girl for that matter, when we were together. Otherwise we needed permission. So this one time I went out of town for a few days and my girl asked if I would be okay if she and Diane hooked up alone while I was away. I gave her my blessing, and everything was fine. In fact, I remember loving it when she called me after they had sex and told me all of the forbidden things the two of them did to each other while I was away. Then, a few months later, I found out that the two of them had fucked without me again, and when I asked my girl about it she used the ole, “But you were okay with it a few months ago” line on me, and I was livid. Despite the whole thing being a somewhat unorthodox — some would even say freaky — situation, and me being a pretty open-minded guy, something about it just didn’t sit well with me. At all. I felt that my trust had been violated, and we were never really the same after that.

So, by all means, talk to your guy about it. Yes, TALK ABOUT LOVE AND SEX, LADIES! And who knows...maybe the resurgence of his libido will inspire him to want to join in this time.

I want to try anal sex but I’ve been waiting for my long-term boyfriend to bring it up (two years). I guess I don’t want to seem too sexually intense or something? Anal sex has become this thing where it’s supposed to be some gift to a man, when really I just think, based on past positive experiences, I might really like it. What should I do? The concept of having anal sex with a guy who’s doing it as a favor to me is extremely undesirable, and I would rather not have anal sex at all than have that be a concern. Basically, please speak on how to broach anal sex if you are a lady.

Look, I know that I’m beating this cliche to death here, but communication is truly the key to everything in the bedroom. Don’t ever shy away from asking for what you want, or don’t want for that matter. First of all, asking your long-term boyfriend to participate in a sexual act that is, let’s face it, pretty mainstream these days doesn’t make you a “sexually intense” woman. Sounds pretty goddamn normal to me. Asking him if YOU could strap on a dildo and fuck HIM in the ass would probably better qualify one for membership in the “sexually intense” category. Still, any guy who’s turned off by a woman he’s in a relationship with approaching him to have an adult conversation about her fantasies/desires is a guy who should be dumped, because he’s a boy, not a man. Real talk. Other guys who should be dumped immediately and unceremoniously: any guy who asks his girl to bleach her asshole. Just saying.

But while we’re on the subject of anal sex, I’d like to address something you brought up — specifically about how you interpret anal sex as being “some gift to a man.” Can I just say that I’ve had many conversations about sex with other guys over the course of my life, and I can’t recall a single time in which the subject of anal sex has come up as a source of great pleasure. When anal sex does come up, and it rarely does, it’s usually in the context of some sort of weird power trip-y, ego-soothing kind of way along the lines of, “Yeah, I saw my ex and her new boyfriend holding hands in a bar the other day...little does he know that I FUCKED HER IN THE ASS!” Seriously, it’s always like some childish ultimate conquer kind of thing, and never any sort of "OMG ass-fucking feels soooo good" kind of thing. I feel sorry for my gay male friends over their partners not having vaginas. Oh well.

On that same thought, one time I was out with two guy friends, one of which had slept with a girl I also had once slept with, a fact that we were both aware of, and while we were out we ran into the aforementioned girl we had both slept with and we all proceeded to get our chit-chat on. After she walked away, the friend who hadn’t slept with her picked up on the flirty “our genitals all know each other” vibe going around and asked, “So which one of you fucked her?” The friend of mine who had slept with her responded, “We both did, but I’m the only one who she let fuck her in the ass.” Now, given the choice, I’d choose to stick my dick inside of a vagina over a butthole 1000 out of 1000 times, (especially this girl’s vagina, which felt like a vat of warm butter on the inside), but at that very moment, I thought to myself, and I’m so ashamed to admit this, “Damn...I wish I’d have fucked her in the ass too.” I felt one-upped. Sad, but true. Even though anatomically, I don’t think I was intended to put my cock in any girl’s ass. I’ve never really gotten any physical pleasure out of it. In fact, it kinda hurts.

And one last thing on anal — I once had a friend whose girlfriend could only get off by him fucking her in the ass while she used her vibrator on her clit. Poor guy used to complain to me all the time: “Man, I wish I could just have vaginal sex with my girlfriend every now and then.” They eventually broke up over him growing tired of doing nothing but anal with her. It’s a process, a sometimes messy, timely process that’s virtually devoid of spontaneity. In short, anal sex is really not all its cracked up to be (Ba-da-bum).

OK so you’re hooking up with a girl sort of unexpectedly at her house. “I don’t have a condom,” you say. She’s like, “No worries, I do.” Thoughts?

Are you kidding me? It’s 2011, she sure as hell better have condoms at her house! This notion that protection is all the guy’s responsibility is just fucked from here to Moses. As any guy who’s ever ventured off into the night hoping to find a nice lady willing to fuck him can attest, any night you go out with a condom on your person is a night you go out and don’t get laid. Period. It’s like an unwritten law of the universe. Conversely, any night you go out without one on you is the night where the ass comes at you from all directions. As a guy, if you take a girl back to your place, this shouldn’t be a problem since condoms should be well stocked there. But since ladies sometimes fancy taking a man back to their place out of fear that the guy they’re hooking up with might have a power saw and an industrial-sized freezer in his living room, having condoms on hand is an absolute must. Unless, of course, all you want to do is make out and spoon, as I know some of you enjoy doing.

PRO TIP: Have a few magnums mixed in with a few regular sized condoms in the drawer of your nightstand. We come in all shapes and sizes and there are few things worse than having to do the sex with an ill-fitting rubber.

This isn't really a question, but guys should really never complain about their bodies to people they sleep with. "My dick is so small," "I'm so fat," "Am I balding? I think I'm balding, do you think I'm balding?" have got to be among the most least-arousing things on the planet. Be fat, have a tiny penis, have a shiny bald head, but own it! Did you know that? Related: Yes, this is probably related to frustration at girls always being like "i'm so fat, I'm so ugly, etc." but I swear to god it's worse when guys do it, somehow. So yeah. That, but in the form of a question.

Seriously ladies, get the fuck out of Brooklyn.

Previously: Fear of Sex, Jealous Boyfriends, and "Am I Just Really Boring?"

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

47 Comments / Post A Comment

Katie Walsh

Wowowowow. I prescribe all of these question askers an intensive regimen of the Savage Love Podcast.

Agnata

Seconded. In fact, do not pass go or read this muddle, just go straight to Savage.

Hero of the Beach

Yeah these questions were mostly the "I don't trust my boyfriend/myself enough to talk to him about this thing we do pretty often" variety. Today's A Dude didn't get a lot to work with.

allthecuteshit

@Katie Walsh could not agree more. i frequently feel that way, however.

insouciantlover

Upon reading this, I have made the following observation:

This dude probably has a big wang.

PBandJ

Agreed. Only guys who have worn ill-fitting condoms would know how uncomfortable they are, and the only reason they wouldn't fit would be because you are TOO BIG, duhhh. Caught!

DoctorDisaster

Wowwwwww. This poor dude not only got a batch of questions with basically one answer between them, but THAT MUG SHOT. OH GOD THAT MUG SHOT.

I should add that, while I agree with everything A Dude says about anal vs vaginal, I did know a guy who would go on about how much he preferred anal. Such dudes exist.

cherrispryte

AUGH WANT TO MAKE FAKE COMMENTER NAME TO COMMENT ON ALL OF THIS.

ba-na-nas

"Seriously ladies, get the fuck out of Brooklyn."

For this, this dude has my undying affection. It's like he can see into my soul.

Plus, I like a guy with a big wang.

Charlotte Rose

Seriously, this is my favorite "ask a dude".

velcrosneakers

Do all of these questions come from the same person? Because they all sound like one lady. Or do they get rewritten before they're posted?

frecklejuicer

RE: “oh, we haven’t done it in a week, I don’t want us to be one of those couples who doesn’t have sex for longer than a week, so I guess we’ll have sex tonight” wow OK this is depressing!

My bf and I are both on boner killing meds and repeating this exact statement to ourselves is the only reason we still do it at all.

palliata

I've seen this several times and been in a cbf mindset so I didn't reply, but it seems to be a pattern so I wanted to clarify something:
Anal sex, to me as a man, feels incredible. The best vaginal I've ever had was still inferior to the majority of anal I've ever had. I'm not sure if that makes me weird or something, but frankly vaginal is the least pleasurable to me – it goes oral>anal>vaginal. I love having traditional sex, don't get me wrong, because it helps me connect with my partner and share something special, but in terms of pure nervous stimulation anal wins every single time. In the case of hookups where I have no emotion and just want to have fun, I tend to push for anal if the girl is at all into it.

I will admit I am hugely into power, control, and ego, as the article mentioned, so it may be partly psychological. That being said, the few of my friends who have tried it seem to agree with me that it just feels better than vaginal.

Is it possible that this Dude who writes these takes issue with the idea that he might be hurting his partner or that he's asking too much of her? I have to wonder if it isn't a psychological issue on HIS part as much as it probably is on mine.

I dunno, just thought I'd mention that the opinion repeatedly espoused here is not universal, and when your guy asks for anal he isn't just trying to use your nether-regions to work out some possessiveness issues.

DoctorDisaster

Told you they exist!

("Takes issue with the idea that he might be hurting his partner" is a "psychological issue"? Ahem. I should probably mention that the anal-extoller I knew was really creepy.)

palliata

Perhaps I misphrased that. I didn't mean it was an issue like bipolar is an issue, more than the "issue" of not liking anal was a psychological one rather than physiological one where it actually felt worse for him. Maybe 'thing' would be better? A psychological thing, not a physiological thing? Anyway, you see my point.

As for creepy, I've never gotten that, but then do people tell creepy people they're creepy? I don't know!

shantasybaby

I think it's comforting to anti-butt sex (either don't want to try or just don't like it) women that there are alot of guys like today's Dude to counter the mainstreaming of da butt. So many people (men and women) like it openly now that it leaves the anti-butt contingent feeling like there is more to it than there is, like it's this "gift" all men want. Some people really like it-for a variety of reasons but the power play aspect seems to figure into it to a huge degree- and some people don't. I'm going to throw out the completely-determined-by-my-personal-experience that it's 50/50 with men.

You aren't going to like this assertion but I also think that peen size can affect this- the bigger the guy I've been with, the less he cared for butt. The smaller, the more enthusiastic. NOW, I've seen deviation from this theory when the dude was really into/completely not into the power play element you mentioned (guys that don't like to dominate can go be pussies with some other lady! I kid-kind of)

palliata

Yeah I could see where it would suck pretty badly to not like it and think everyone was doing it but you. Certainly it isn't as universally-desired as some media seem to make it out to be.

As to your "assertion" I don't really have experience with guys penis sizes so you might be right. I feel pretty good about my size, but one example doesn't disprove a trend, especially since, as you say, power dynamic is big for me. I could see where someone smaller might like it more because it's tighter and therefore more pleasant to his smaller girth? I dunno. I would be curious to see some survey results of penis size VS anal love, honestly.

theinvisiblecunt

"[W]hen your guy asks for anal he isn't just trying to use your nether-regions to work out some possessiveness issues" prefaced by "I will admit I am hugely into power, control, and ego, as the article mentioned" = A Dude has been vindicated again

palliata

Invisiblecunt 0
Reading comprehension 1

Greg Allan

@palliata Ok, I know this is going to come across in a douchey, my-wang-is-bigger-than-yours sort of way, but perhaps it's an issue of size? We can assume that the dude wears magnum condoms which means he's bigger than average, as am I, and both times I've had anal sex (with two different women) I felt exactly as the dude did. Not only did it require far too much lube to be worth the effort, but it was obvious that they were uncomfortable the whole time, which made me uncomfortable as well. Which might just lend credence to your (obvious) theory that some guys don't get off on hurting their partners during sex.

catalina82

@shantasybaby I'd have to agree with you about the 50/50 quota, although no-one has ever been as obsessed with it as my current boyfriend. I've tried over several months to get used to it, but it just doesn't do anything for me. He IS a bit smaller than some other guys i've been with, and I did wonder about that. Basically it just either hurts or, when it doesn't hurt, it bores me. The other thing is that to come he has to bang me quite vigorously, which ends up making it hurt, so basically in terms of anal sex, I always lose. We fight a lot generally too, so that doesn't make me very willing to go out of my way for him. We do have vaginal sex, but i know all the time that it's not that interesting for him and sometimes he even loses his erection after a while. That's never happened to me with other guys, they've always loved me, so for the first time im feeling really useless and depressed about sex in general...sorry for the venting :s

Goa
Goa

Ok I asked one of these questions and I have to say a couple things: I don’t live in Brooklyn! There are libido less guys everywhere please help! Also, I wrote in this question back when during the holidays so I don’t think Dude got all these in one day. Also Savage love is pretty great but since it’s been awhile I had to solve my own problem and Dude gave good advice. Communication is key. Also, am I alone here in thinking that Edith is the one answering all these questions. Someone please prove me wrong that there is a dark handsome hilarious experienced big wang dude with all the answers!

Oh and p.s ladies don’t be upset when whiny boys need reassurance about their penis size, bald head, beer belly, etc. This should make you feel more secure about yourself and if you play it just right they will be too scared to show their small peen to other chicks while they’re with you. One time after a guy was worried about his size I bought magnum condoms for the drawer just so he’d find them and realize I’ve had bigger dudes and he should feel lucky I’m letting him in the sheets again. Then when you’ve showed your satisfaction he only wants to satisfy you more. But if he gets in over his head you can remind him about his insecurities. I know I’m fucked up.

Jolie Kerr

In re your "thinking that Edith is the one answering all these questions" - it would never occur to me because Edith has editorial integrity and wouldn't fabricate the A Dude column. I'm a little horrified you'd even say that?

kitten_witawip

Edith has a very distinctive style. I don't hear Edith's voice in any of these Dude columns.

Edith Zimmerman

Not having a dude write this would defeat the whole purpose of the column! I can guarantee they're written by real, live dudes who are good, nice people.

atipofthehat

Edith merely has a stable of wise, experienced, hung dudes at her beck and call. And for some reason she gives them advice columns to write?

cherrispryte

Yeah, thinking it's Edith is just you. It's very clear that it's not even same person, based on the quality of responses and different voices.

And that "buying magnums to intimidate a guy" thing pretty much makes you an asshole.

someofmybestfriends

yeah, wouldn't that kind of have the opposite effect and just make him feel insecure? Or, you know, he might not even notice or care? Kind of assy to do it for those reasons, anyway. I mean, dicks are dicks.

ba-na-nas

That magnum thing is a real dick move.

palliata

Sounds like the foundation to a healthy relationship based on mutual understanding. Great work.

smartastic

@Goa And here I've just been assuming that the dudes I date wouldn't be showing their junk to other ladies just 'cause I trust 'em and they care about me, not because I've made them feel insecure and unloveable by ladies other than me.

Goa
Goa

oh cmon don't be horrified..in saying this i meant Edith is hilarious and does such a guy exist? amirite

someofmybestfriends

"[it] felt like a vat of warm butter on the inside"
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW THIS!

insouciantlover

I dunno... at first I was excited and asked my boyfriend, "does my vagina feel like a vat of warm butter?" and he was like, "uh, no... vats of butter don't seem like they'd have much friction." Then he made a bunch of squishy in-and-out type noises. So as excited as I was, it seems to not be a universal descriptor.

Tess Lynch

Please have this Dude back again. He has so much to offer my brain.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

This dude right here (points to chest) does not get morning wood very often at all, and if I do, it's accompanied by a really full bladder. This is no reflection on my libido, and I have gotten it on in the mor… when we wake up.

Some people just wake up stressing about obligations, even if it's only walking the dog. Probe a little, and if that's the case, you can propose a little incentive.

Lauren Payette

I have a healthy supply of standard-issue condoms in my nightstand, but if a dude knows he's packing heavy, I think it should be up to him to carry non-standard condoms to fit. Just saying.

MythReindeer

My dudely friends and I discussed this in the past and decided: looking back at a guy who is doing sex to your vagina from behind and saying, "I want you to fuck me in the ass," is the single best way to ask for anal sex and the easiest way to ensure that you will not be getting it right then.

noreallyimright

ok, whoa whoa there "ask about an open relationship". how about a good old fashioned blow job surprise? how about read a book about why your guy does have enough erotic desire then do what it says, how about tell him to stop carrying his cell phone in his pocket (lowers sperm count by 50% in many cases), how about, dare i say, lose some weight (?), how about go to a tantra class, how about buy the Multi-orgasmic man and give it to him to "make him enjoy sex more". and, whatever you do, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT SEX. everyone hates complaining. you're already have problems with not enough sex, the LAST thing you want to do start complaining about it. Find solutions, execute those solutions in clever, sexy and seductive ways. buy a book on being seductive. do what it says. don't start complaining then ask for an "open" ("over") relationship when it doesn't work.

Rawuncutnxrated666

I cannot lie. I LOVE ANAL Sex. Nothing makes me cum harder than shooting a large load up that ass. Not only that.. I will have the biggest shit eatin' ass grin for the next 24 hours. People finally started to learn when I got to fuck my girl up her ass. It was soo awesome. I miss that. Also.. hearing her on the phone the next day with a sore ass.. I used to get off knowing that was all me!! LOL..

tactfactory

Oh man I know no one will ever read this because it is so not March any more but I really thought "Also, I really think that shitting where you eat has gotten a bad rap. Pigs do it and I can only assume that the term “happy as a pig in shit” exists for a reason." was genius.

Also, these dudes who are commenting that they get off on anal sex kind of sound like they're really getting off on a power trip.

I just made an hundred enemies, but they will never know because it is so not March any more! This is the most liberating.

catalina82

@tactfactory Given that my current bf is the most dominating person I've ever been with and that he's obsessed with anal sex (which i hate), i would tend to agree, although perhaps not all guys who like it are like that, I don't know. I wish there was a more recent post than yours because then i could actually talk to someone about all of this. I don't want to tell anyone i know because it just makes things more difficult.... *sigh*

commenterlol

@tactfactory im a guy who loves anal but i wouldnt consider myself as dominating or controlling in anyway at all more the opposite and i agree with " I don't want to tell anyone i know because it just makes things more difficult...." but i think communication with someone you trust is better than telling people u dont know but thats just my oppinion

mieriilile

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youyou

Upon reading this, I have made the following observation:
This dude probably has a big wang.
school proxy

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