Tuesday, January 4, 2011


What to Do If Your Shoes Make Too Much Noise

Do your new shoes make too much noise in your office? Here are, as far as I can tell, your main options.

1. Walk slowly with small, "light" steps. Look weird, and attract the attention of coworkers who probably hadn't noticed your shoes in the first place, because people are busy, this is a workplace, and no one's thinking about you. Feel like an idiot.

2. Walk loudly and naturally, so it seems like you're confident with the sounds your body makes. You exist; it's OK to make noise. But wait, what is walking naturally? Whatever, act like the way you're walking is the natural way. But also, now your shoes are making even more noise than before, which hadn't seemed possible. Feel like an idiot.

3. Stay sitting down. : (

23 Comments / Post A Comment

Liz Colville

YES. Now how about How to Walk in Giant High Heels Outside* *without continually clomping and looking at the ground so that everyone walking by you is like "Silly girl, what a novice."


Tap forward toe to ground, lower stilletto heel, all without having shifted weight from the back foot. If that goes well, repeat. It only takes about three times as long as regular walking. But still twice as fast as walking-on-crutches, which is what I do if I forget "the walk" and drop said stilletto heel into a sidewalk crevice!


Take off Giant High Heels, apply Comfy Shoes. Walk normally.


Cherri, that is excellent advice, but it is all I can manage just to get myself fully dressed in the morning. Remembering to bring spare articles of clothing is beyond me!


The story of my sad life. Did anyone else's hippie mom forget to teach their vertically-challenged daughter how to wear shoes with heels?


4. Feel perfectly validated in turning your lunch break into a shoe-shopping spree?


Oh god, I had these flats that made distinct FARTING noises whenever I walked, even after I had broken them in. To deflect these noises made by my feet I actually farted while walking to and fro.
What about corduroys?! Tis the season for eternal flames made by my thighs rubbing together in corduroys. Thank goodness for unemployment - I get to stay in PJs and fleece pants all day long.


AAAAHHHHH the corduroys! J.Crew matchstick cords are the only work pants I will put up with. Just imagine my plight, working in a quiet library .. I also have to pee all of the time, so I spend 2/3 of the work day wondering whether people are considering my thighs or the status of my urinary tract primarily. Oh, to be bow legged!


The only corduroys I own are the J. Crew matchstick ones!


Let me tell ya, knock-knees and a penchant for J. Crew cords have made me notorious among the library set...


A problem that is worse than the loud shoe problem is the squeaky shoe problem. Like the one where it sounds like you have a little mouse in your shoe and you are killing it little by little with each step.

Edith Zimmerman



Perhaps you will find this review and update helpful for your mouse problems? (Also, I want to know who are the two people that found this review unhelpful! I think they were just being spiteful.)




Next you need to write an article on how to get the incredibly stiff zippers on boots past cankles. Please tell me I'm not the only one?

Hero of the Beach

If you have a rolly office chair, you can just zip around in that all day and people will think you are way fun! It's a bit awkward to get into bathroom stalls, but fuck it, your shoes are awesome and you can do whatever you want that doesn't involve standing.


Wait a minute, how did you guys know that I was starting a new job this week and I wore INSANELY loud shoes by accident and everyone was staring at me?

Thanks Hairpin!


I have a pair of shoes that are almost the same as the ones in the picture and so this advice was... helpful?
My methods are: (1) Wear ipod so you can't hear your shoes. Walk normally. Or (2) get drunk enough that you don't care.

Carrie Hill Wilner

Nononono loud shoes are where it's at. Imagine you need to pick a lawyer to defend you for all your crimes. Would you rather the lady who walks up to the jury all CLICK CLICK CLICK ON MARBLE FLOOR I AM IMPORTANT + her calves look great or some turkey who shuffles around in wingtips or whatever man shoes are called. Let a thousand clompy lady feet bloom!


Can I borrow those shoes up there when you are done with them?


I had some super-noisy boots that needed to be re-soled on the heels. Now they're not noisy at all! Also? Don't do the toe-first thing, you sort of end up looking like a horse...


yes, heel-toe, heel-toe.

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