Advice for the Solo Woman Road Warrior
– Before you leave, get your nails done. You’re gonna be staring at them on the steering wheel for many hours in a row.
– Wear pants with a minimum of three percent spandex. You may be tempted by a high-waisted vintage Levi’s situation (yeah, I know, Thelma and Louise!), but YOU WILL PAY for your commitment to this look. Also, make sure your pants are machine washable, as they will frequently double as a napkin.
– Make a playlist of songs that you want to master for karaoke. Sing them over and over and over.
– Snacks always ride shotgun.
– Pack your weed and vibrator in an accessible place so as to avoid having to pull over in a Culver’s parking lot off Highway 61 and rummage through your entire car. Sub-tip: Don’t use either of these things on freeways with a lot of semi traffic. Also, don’t use them at the same time, while driving.
– To stay entertained, play a little game I have dubbed “Porn vs. Abortion.” Count the number of XXX Adult Superstore billboards and Choose Life signs, respectively. Depending on which you’ve seen more of, either buy some porn or get an abortion once you reach your destination.
– Definitely do not drive off the road while attempting to take a photo of a wind farm.
– Two words: Car kegels.
– Roll down the window every once in awhile and let the wind whip through your hair. I don’t care how cold it is. This is essential to achieving that tousled “road babe” look.
– Never, ever take a scenic byway in Kansas.
– When you stop at a small-town diner, ask if they have a businesswoman special. Also, never get pie to go. It will only end in heartbreak.
– Don’t try to take pictures of a Western sunset with your cellphone, you asshole. Just enjoy it.
Photo via Flickr