We might see the top of his head. Damn press. We're his real fans. We should be up front. I thought Charles Bronson was dead. He is dead. The music that's playing, is that Firth singing? He sings? I bet he sings beautifully. What are we standing in line for? Colin Firth. Colin Firth. OK. That guy that was in King's Speech. Bridget Jones. Trying to think of a guy's movie he's in. He's famous? You know he got stuck in that elevator with Helena Bohnam Carter and a camera man. Do you know that he lived in St. Louis? He's not from Egypt or Japan. Some guy named Colin Firth.
They did something wrong with Photoshop on those Oprah billboards. That's not how she looks. I'm so excited. Star? (heavy Russian accent). Good turnout. Gwyneth just got her star you know, and I think this turnout is better. I hope he's tall. This reminds me of when I saw the Bee Gees for the first time. I think they only got hand prints.
Is that him? Oh I hope not. Is that really him? Shouldn't he be inside? Maybe it's his dad, or his brother. If that's him, then Colin Firth is old. Fuck, Colin Firth is not anywhere near as dreamy as I thought. Shit, I shouldn't have come. His jaw doesn't look that wrinkled on screen. Oh man. Maybe it's his brother. His older brother, here to help his brother. No Strings Attached is adorable. I'm a new fan of Ashton. I got on the Twitter because of him. Hugh was on it too. He's so busy with all that Wolverine stuff. He sings. I wish Hugh was here, but he's a family man. I really hope that's Colin Firth's dad. Oh my god, I really think it's him. He's talking to the crowd. You'll get to touch his hand, don't worry. These guys usually come and sign things. PS I Love You. God, what other movies was he in? He's gorgeous. He's British.
How many Brits do we have here today? (Tiny applause.) How many of you want to be British? (Confused applause.) I might take a hot tea when we get back. Next year, it will be you getting a star. It's a good turnout, he should be pleased. Colin something. I'm not a massive fan (British accent). No wait, he's not the guy in the hat. Thank the lord. He's gorgeous! He's really gorgeous! That's the crispest whitest shirt in the world. I wouldn't throw Guy [Pearce] out of bed either. Guy's purple sunglasses look stupid next to that glorious shirt. His hair is blowdried. Blowdried hair suits him.
A Single Man (applause), The King's Speech (huge applause), Mama Mia (huge, huge applause), When Did You Last See Your Father (one scream), Bridget Jones (huge), Girl With Pearl Earring (medium), Shakespeare in Love (huge), The English Patient (one yell), Nanny McPhee (huge), What a Girl Wants (huge). Pride and Prejudice, why haven't they said Pride and Prejudice! Darcy (everybody screams). Valmont (silence).
Pearce is so funny, calling him a drunk. He likes to drink. I love to drink. And he's embarrassed to wave. He isn't a prick! I love that his star is next to Emma Thompson. There's his wife. She's chewing gum. The luckiest woman in the world is chewing gum. I wouldn't chew gum. I would never chew gum if Colin Firth was my husband. I can see his dimples. Colin come here. Colin come here. I got James McAvoy to come see his fans once by yelling James come here. It worked. I feel bad for him, he seems a bit overwhelmed. Colin who? Colin Berth? He's British.
Danielle Roderick is a writer in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in Ms. Magazine, Cranky, and Flagpole. She has seen Pride and Prejudice 83 times.