The Sexual Cost of Female Success

Telling women they should be happy to fuck you based on statistical data wasn’t helping anyone get it wet, so fortunately a passive-aggressive study came out recently to help women help themselves, helpfully. A study that tells us why successful, professionally inclined women might have a hard time trying to date hot successful guys and why they should settle for unattractive nerds who feel entitled to desirable girlfriends despite possessing nothing desirable in any way themselves.

Women are all clearly so desperate for a man, any man, that they should automatically lick the Tevas of the first grad student who talks smack to them about the kinds of guys they actually like. It has everything to do with women, and nothing to do with men’s own obsession over whether they’re being beaten in life by alpha males. If women would just settle, they’d see how unhappy they really are with things like goals and standards and preferences. Yes, men are calling all the shots, but women are drinking them. And it’s drinking that leads women through the beaded curtain into the rainbow party of so much questionable behavior, behavior like having professional goals and still wanting your pussy ate.

It is a scientifically proven assertion that professional success and sexual self-confidence cause women to grow beautiful girthy penises. The more career success a woman has, the bigger this dick becomes, and the lower her chances become of finding a man whose mouth will be big enough to fit it all inside. There is only one man with an appropriately large mouthsize and his name is Charles. The competition for Charles is held yearly in the Louisiana Superdome and consists of women sitting at tables playing competitive Scrabble against each other in order to win the honor of losing at Scrabble to Charles.

Hey, how is Louisiana doing six years after Hurricane Katrina? That’s not important. What’s important is getting women to question every decision they make on the grounds of what insecure men might potentially think about it, men you’d never want to date anyway because their insecurities would make the relationship hell. And, more importantly, because you’re not physically attracted to them — something no amount of data or bullshit studies on the internet will ever change. Yes, women are ruining everything by not planning their lives expressly according to men’s biological clocks and wishes.

This is a completely new story and article, not a warmed-over rehash of a trend piece from the 1930s about flappers referring to the Great Depression as “Blowjob Week.” Yes, this has everything to do with women and their choices, and nothing whatsoever to do with men not having learned to define success through any criteria besides work and landing a hot wife that your friends will be jealous of. A hot wife who won’t possibly ever think about leaving you, no matter how much you suck.

Yes, your wife must be hotter than you, but she must not be smarter than you and god forbid she be more successful. That’s as bad as showing the world you’re secure in yourself and your manhood. Certainly it makes much more sense to tell women to change their behavior than to suggest men ever think about changing theirs. Everyone knows that men are brutes driven by nothing but lust and greed and Lil’ Wayne choruses, incapable of any kind of self-reflection or change, and that women are just beautiful, mystical, malleable vessels that you pour your dreamcum into.

Further studies claim that successful women are having trouble finding serious boyfriends, which is especially terrible because men never hate being single and women never enjoy it. Women definitely only want to have sex that’s boring and waning. How else can they trap a man into letting them pursue their only true dream, the one they’re kidding themselves about if they think having a career is equally or more important than? Yes, women are in this world for one thing: babies. And what is the point of winning the rat race if there’s a not a rat-swarmed baby at the rainbow’s end?

If all these warnings don’t frighten you into marrying the next loser who hits you up on Facebook chat, you risk facing the lonely spectre of old maidhood, a spectre pictured every other week without makeup on the cover of Star magazine. This is the worst nightmare possible for all women, since it’s a known fact of evolutionary psychology and science (SCIENCE) that women define themselves entirely through their physical appearance and what men think of them, no matter what they might tell you themselves.

You’re smart enough to know that when women tell you what they think about something, what they’re actually saying is “Please tell me how I really feel in the most condescending way imaginable.” Certainly women never define themselves through things like their own interests, career accomplishments, or friends with whom they maintain lifelong close relationships.

It’s not that we’re saying women should try less hard at everything (except being pretty!) in order to not threaten potential suitors, but it CERTAINLY COULDN’T HURT. And maybe once, just one time, a beautiful woman in a film or TV show could fall in love with an unattractive man. Women are only truly happy when they have something to take care of, like a boyfriend or a baby. If you become pregnant (YAY!) and tell your boyfriend you’re going to “take care of it,” make sure he’s not confused about what you mean.

Another study about how men’s arousal levels go down when women cry failed to take into account that it would be a pretty fucking interesting fetish to be turned on by someone crying, and women’s arousal levels clearly also go down when men cry. I’m sure that making and/or watching someone cry is somebody’s fetish, and I commend them. Human sexuality is a strange and amorphous thing, but one thing’s for sure: Nobody likes a successful woman, especially not if she’s funny.

Molly Lambert is a writer living in Los Angeles and the managing editor of This Recording.

Photo via Flickr

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