Monday, January 24, 2011


The Sexual Cost of Female Success

Telling women they should be happy to fuck you based on statistical data wasn't helping anyone get it wet, so fortunately a passive-aggressive study came out recently to help women help themselves, helpfully. A study that tells us why successful, professionally inclined women might have a hard time trying to date hot successful guys and why they should settle for unattractive nerds who feel entitled to desirable girlfriends despite possessing nothing desirable in any way themselves.

Women are all clearly so desperate for a man, any man, that they should automatically lick the Tevas of the first grad student who talks smack to them about the kinds of guys they actually like. It has everything to do with women, and nothing to do with men's own obsession over whether they're being beaten in life by alpha males. If women would just settle, they'd see how unhappy they really are with things like goals and standards and preferences. Yes, men are calling all the shots, but women are drinking them. And it's drinking that leads women through the beaded curtain into the rainbow party of so much questionable behavior, behavior like having professional goals and still wanting your pussy ate.

It is a scientifically proven assertion that professional success and sexual self-confidence cause women to grow beautiful girthy penises. The more career success a woman has, the bigger this dick becomes, and the lower her chances become of finding a man whose mouth will be big enough to fit it all inside. There is only one man with an appropriately large mouthsize and his name is Charles. The competition for Charles is held yearly in the Louisiana Superdome and consists of women sitting at tables playing competitive Scrabble against each other in order to win the honor of losing at Scrabble to Charles.

Hey, how is Louisiana doing six years after Hurricane Katrina? That's not important. What's important is getting women to question every decision they make on the grounds of what insecure men might potentially think about it, men you'd never want to date anyway because their insecurities would make the relationship hell. And, more importantly, because you're not physically attracted to them — something no amount of data or bullshit studies on the internet will ever change. Yes, women are ruining everything by not planning their lives expressly according to men's biological clocks and wishes.

This is a completely new story and article, not a warmed-over rehash of a trend piece from the 1930s about flappers referring to the Great Depression as "Blowjob Week." Yes, this has everything to do with women and their choices, and nothing whatsoever to do with men not having learned to define success through any criteria besides work and landing a hot wife that your friends will be jealous of. A hot wife who won't possibly ever think about leaving you, no matter how much you suck.

Yes, your wife must be hotter than you, but she must not be smarter than you and god forbid she be more successful. That's as bad as showing the world you're secure in yourself and your manhood. Certainly it makes much more sense to tell women to change their behavior than to suggest men ever think about changing theirs. Everyone knows that men are brutes driven by nothing but lust and greed and Lil' Wayne choruses, incapable of any kind of self-reflection or change, and that women are just beautiful, mystical, malleable vessels that you pour your dreamcum into.

Further studies claim that successful women are having trouble finding serious boyfriends, which is especially terrible because men never hate being single and women never enjoy it. Women definitely only want to have sex that's boring and waning. How else can they trap a man into letting them pursue their only true dream, the one they're kidding themselves about if they think having a career is equally or more important than? Yes, women are in this world for one thing: babies. And what is the point of winning the rat race if there's a not a rat-swarmed baby at the rainbow's end?

If all these warnings don't frighten you into marrying the next loser who hits you up on Facebook chat, you risk facing the lonely spectre of old maidhood, a spectre pictured every other week without makeup on the cover of Star magazine. This is the worst nightmare possible for all women, since it's a known fact of evolutionary psychology and science (SCIENCE) that women define themselves entirely through their physical appearance and what men think of them, no matter what they might tell you themselves.

You're smart enough to know that when women tell you what they think about something, what they're actually saying is "Please tell me how I really feel in the most condescending way imaginable." Certainly women never define themselves through things like their own interests, career accomplishments, or friends with whom they maintain lifelong close relationships.

It's not that we're saying women should try less hard at everything (except being pretty!) in order to not threaten potential suitors, but it CERTAINLY COULDN'T HURT. And maybe once, just one time, a beautiful woman in a film or TV show could fall in love with an unattractive man. Women are only truly happy when they have something to take care of, like a boyfriend or a baby. If you become pregnant (YAY!) and tell your boyfriend you're going to "take care of it," make sure he's not confused about what you mean.

Another study about how men's arousal levels go down when women cry failed to take into account that it would be a pretty fucking interesting fetish to be turned on by someone crying, and women's arousal levels clearly also go down when men cry. I'm sure that making and/or watching someone cry is somebody's fetish, and I commend them. Human sexuality is a strange and amorphous thing, but one thing's for sure: Nobody likes a successful woman, especially not if she's funny.

Molly Lambert is a writer living in Los Angeles and the managing editor of This Recording.

Photo via Flickr

26 Comments / Post A Comment


I don't think we should go out anymore, Molly.


Molly, you should be happy about this: he usually ends things with the help of a chainsaw.


I wanted to write something pithy, but this will have to suffice instead:

[MASSIVE eye-roll at Mark Regnerus + exasperated sigh]

[applause for Molly Lambert]


I totally agree that this research is larded with crazy sexist assumptions, and I think peer review would eviscerate this "study." But stop microaggressing me! Just because Douchebag McVanityPress says men are pressuring women to choose between healthy sex lives and professional success does not make it any more true than when he says the solution to a shit relationship is "try harder."


Yeah, nice try d-bag. We still will not fuck you.


There's an article in The Economist citing how one of the reason's financial inequality is growing it that well-to-do educated successful men are marrying equally well-to-do educated successful women and are becoming power couples who have children who are blessed with their smart genes (and money, and pressure to do well in school). So, um, take that lady magazines telling me that I have to play dumb to get a guy?


I just read that article too and thought of it when I read this.


Oh just let that bastard try to beat me at Scrabble.

Niko Bellic

Yeah, we know this is not about getting laid by (or better said fucked by) a successful woman, but I don't think it's about parading her in front of the peers either. I think it's actually mostly about begging mommy to make it all better.

Tom Blunt

I just watched "Disclosure" (1994) last night, and therefore am qualified to comment on this post.

Matt Cornell

Right you are, Ms. Lambert. It's called dacryphilia.


Leigh H

"It's not that we're saying women should try less hard at everything (except being pretty!) in order to not threaten potential suitors, but it CERTAINLY COULDN'T HURT."

Is that a triple or quadruple negative? My head is spinning.


well of course you would say that. but think about it from the unattractive nerds who feel entitled to desirable girlfriends despite possessing nothing desirable in any way themselves' point of view.

Laura Connell

Molly, I love you. I just tweeted this to my 900 followers as the best article EVER. Just get a vibrator and forget about men. Life is SO much better that way. No drama and no one making your feel bad all the time. I can't think of any good reason to date. Men are obsolete.


I love the Hairpin so I'm kind of surprised by this post and the reactions to it. Although I have my doubts about the study itself, it doesn't actually make any of the moral assertions this poster alludes to. It doesn't say that men don't like successful women, just that women tend to date men who are at least as educated as they are, and that with more and more women going to college, the pool of eligible mates might be shrinking for them. I wouldn't mind a discussion of the validity of that assertion, but this simplistic, unnecessarily angry assessment (rant) is just…well... kind of missing the point.


It's funny how, when women get angry, they have to be told when they're allowed it. 'Unnecessarily angry'? Is she only allowed to be angry when you deem it necessary? Haha. And simplistic? No, I'm pretty sure /your/ view of the study is the simplistic one here. This isn't exactly the first of it's kind.

Sarah Cottell@facebook

Molly, Can you please tell me what motivated this article?
Please let me know - I'd really like to know.



With this bitter, reactionary attitude, maybe I'd fuck you if you were attractive, but I definitely wouldn't want a relationship. Change the attitude Molly. Also, I am starting to think that feminism really overcompensates. You want to be equal, but you still want me to foot the bill? Get the fuck out of here. http://www.businessinsider.com/women-in-business-catch-up-after-the-mancession-2011-3 Women in some major metro areas make more than men and are in more positions of power than men. Good golly, Miss Molly.


I can only assume this woman has a severe, delusional form of low-functioning autism compounded by an irreversible case of pathological Level-9 NPD, untreatable even with the most modern advances in psychotherapy and medical science. Even after several readings I still cannot fully work my way through all the intricate, seething sarcasms that - only after careful examination - appear to communicate frustration with being perceived as being unreasonable and toxic, but also express being surrounded by men who are biologically sub-par and celebrate the action of making others feel pain and anguish.

Although anyone with an ability to extract themselves and view others as not simply extensions of themselves (not you) would understand that most people have identities, genuine values and principles (also not you), and relationships are about mutual trust. Anyone willing to spitefully pour such verbal acid over themselves in protest of not instantly finding a mate specifically constructed to your extreme narcissistic fantasy must live under the assumption that dating should be a process of scowling and raging at as many personal borders and values another person might hold (because of your inability to develop any) and that respect is something with a one-way ticket, to you only.

As these women withdraw further into their deranged, pathological nightmares and become even further cut off from reality, screaming for the entitlement to be respected as human beings with feelings whilst tearing into others with sickening gusto and satisfaction, they will find themselves lonelier and lonelier. They will find themselves as socially acceptable as the AIDS virus and roughly about as discussed and debated about as Adolf Hitler, all behind her back of course. Terrorized by the future, her grandiose wants and needs develop into full-blown personality disorder, psychotic fits and borderline retardation; and while the facebook losers die happily in their sleep next to their loved ones, Ms. Cosmpoliton will only be discovered several months after her death, fully consumed by her cats (except for the inedible, alcohol-drenched areas of her stomach and liver), and leaving only a legacy of incensed ramblings typed on her computer that become more and more nonsensical, desperate and clinically insane until they just speak the words "HELP ME!! HELP!!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE.... HEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!"


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