Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Sex, Spanx, and Period Surprises

Once and for all. Is it better to wear the Spanx and look good in clothes, or to look less firm and smooth in clothes but be Spanx-free for sex?

Spanx are the perfect crime if you're wearing them on a day when sex is not a possibility. You’ll never get caught, and you get to look Spanxy (hott). It’s like saying you can play a mean flute solo when there aren’t any flutes around for miles to prove what a (weird?) liar you are. In this way, they're like a padded bra in that you may get more dudes leering at you and saying gross things all day. If you then manage to make it all the way home alone despite all these titillating offers, then you can let your imperfections out to lounge around the house and feed the cat. Victory! Your self-esteem is now yours to keep.

So really the question is, “Is it smart to use Spanx to get our foot in the door, hoping that by the time you have had sex with our slightly jigglier selves, we will have displayed the proper amount of substance to offset the fact that we FUCKING LIED?” The answer is yes. Are you an idiot? Men are. And we are so clueless about things like make up and hair extensions that we usually don’t know we’ve been tricked until you tell us. The truth is we would have tried to have sex with you anyway, so if the personal confidence Spanx gave you helped us hook up then hooray. Also, we grossly care how hot you look to other people, so if you look better in public then that’s great!

If the question is about how awkward it is to remove Spanx in order to have sex, then we don’t care about that either. For centuries men have shown their dogged determination to have sex at any cost, a little sausage casing isn’t going to stop us. In fact, historians have yet to discover a chastity belt that hasn’t been chewed open. So if you've tried Spanx and they make you feel or look better, then wear them! We’re just looking for someone who doesn’t care that we have big bellies anyway.

By the way, this answer was meant for women with spinal injuries, asthma, or thyroid conditions. Every one else should at least consider diet and exercise.

If a lady attends a shrink, does that send off warning bells in your head? Or just dozens of shouting voices?

Guys should require that any girl they date be in therapy, unless of course the lady gets along with both of her parents and said parents are still married. So yeah, therapy it is.

Everybody gets a little “crazy” i.e. scared, bored, or unfulfilled, when it comes to relationships. The reason you always hear the “bitches be trippin” complaint from men is twofold: 1) bitches are frequently trippin, and 2) they tend to vocalize it to their bf much more than we think is possible, appropriate, or necessary. We are wrong of course, because anxieties and strife are magnified and made worse when we keep them bottled up. The problem is that a lot of what they want to talk to us about is “us” and we are not qualified to handle that. Seriously. Every person has their hang-ups and unhealthy destructive ways of dealing with relationships that have little or nothing to do with the person they are currently dating. Bringing these unchecked into a “discussion,” i.e. fight in the street outside the bar your other friends are in, is not a good idea. What is a good idea is telling an unbiased stranger about your ill modes of thinking, having that (preferably qualified) stranger explain to you why you’re trippin and what you can do about it, and then bringing your enlightened self to the discussion.

So when my current girlfriend told me she was in therapy, I was relieved. I look at a therapist like a crazy filter, letting only the purified love and understanding pour into our relationship. The problem is when a gf in therapy tells you you did something wrong or selfish, she’s usually right and backed by 12 years of medical school or whatever it takes to be a therapist. Which means if you hope to ever be right and win an argument, you should enter therapy too. Because that’s what matters in relationships: winning!

What are the words that make it OK-est if I just perioded all over your sheets? And we kinda only sorta know each other.

Try: “Oh my god I’m so sorry. I HAD NO IDEA I WAS HAVING MY PERIOD!”

Because if you did know that you had your lady times before you decided to bloody my junk and sheets then I am annoyed as all get out that you were a selfish dickface. Otherwise, fuck it, they’re boy sheets which were gross before you spring-cleaned your tubes all over them. At least we know you aren’t pregnant. BTW, look around. Your blood stain is probably the fresh addition to the last few. Our sheets are like Dexter’s blood slide trophies in his AC unit.

Is it true you all secretly find vaginas visually disgusting? That's sort of a vibe that's out there. Also, interesting fact: Gmail does not recognize "vaginas" as a word that has been spelled correctly.

This answer is going to suck for some of you.

Vaginas are like any other body part: there are attractive and unattractive versions of it. The bad news is that if you have a wilted flower Georgia O’Keefe vagina with a bunch of dangly all over the place skin labia petals, then it’s probably ew. The good news is that we don’t really care. A nice, slightly plump but tucked in vagina is more visually pleasing for most, but even if it looks like a teen ager’s unmade bed it still feels good and we’ll eat it in the dark. Go with your strengths! Try to accentuate its positive features and diminish its nono’s with a flattering hairdo. Also, if you are pretty and good at sex and not very complainy in general, then you’re rad and we will love you in spite of the Costanza wallet in your pants. Smell is more important anyway.

Previously: Do You Want to Have Anal Sex With Your Funny Friend?

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Photo via Flickr

31 Comments / Post A Comment


About vaginas: "vaginae" will pass spell check. Oddly, "penes" flunks but "penises" passes muster.

More about vaginas: they aren't disgusting, but they are intimidating. In our pants we have a stupid little kid whose only interests are being cuddled and going spelunking. In your pants you have a crotchety authoritarian figure who is difficult to please and very attached to her own unique way of doing things -- which she rarely bothers to adequately explain until you somehow screw up -- and who periodically refuses to have anything to do with us.

Intimidating, right? But like A Dude says above, we love her all the same. Guys who can't handle the concept of being intimidated by a vagina might decide it's disgusting to make themselves feel better, but the word for that is "douchebag."

All the aesthetic points above are true, but it's like dicks. Some look nicer than others, but who really cares?

P.S. I am sorry for terrible puns like "crotchety" above but it is so hard to resist.


Edith, can DoctorDisaster be the new "Ask a Dude"? I think his answers are way more enlightening! So, anyway, I move to nominate. Seconded? Anyone?


PS at DD: "periodically" was an even better pun!

fits and starts

Wholeheartedly agreed. Doctor D is fantastic!


Is this A Dude impostor??, because THIS dude seems unrecognizable to me! (N.b., I asked every dude I met at the Awl Bawl "ARE YOU A DUDE?!", so I may be too invested in A Dude as A Character, and may have advanced The Narrative a few acts with my own pen.)


"A Dude is one of several rotating dudes" as it says in the credit. Maybe they added a new guy to the stable!


BAH! I am such blind a gun-jumper, thanks DD. Perhaps we can color code the Dudes so I can recognize My Dude from a distance?


And no, for the record, my vagina does not look like a senior citizen's washcloth hamper, in case y'all thought I was frontin' out of spite.

Jolie Kerr

"1) bitches are frequently trippin" just KILLED me. Oh my God, so much dying going on today courtesy of The Hawlpin.


I just want to bring up the musty reality that is vagina trapped in synthetic materials for an evening... peel off the Spanx and you may find that what lies beneath would be better plundered after airing out for a while.

I know because a FRIEND told me.


I have a friend, too. He calls ladies bike shorts "stinkpants."


A FRIEND told me some Spanx have slits down there, I think so that you don't need to remove them to pee?


This is true. I've seen one. Not that I have ever needed Spanx. Never. But it was a weird kind of slit and it still seemed so risky to pee through it.


Had one of the forementioned pair of Spanx with slits. Risked it on a drunken night once. Partially recommended (if sober).


@KateH: Maybe one gets better at peeing through that tiny crotch vent when under the influence. I tried this sober and thank GOD I was wearing a long sweater, the weather was cold, and the restaurant well-ventilated, because I also learned that Spanx are quite a lot more absorbant than one would think...trying to act cool while sitting in your own pee is a lot more difficult at 40 than I remember it being at 2...


I was once wearing a undershirt with no straps and was kind of like leggings material while making out with a dude, and he said to me, in an acusitory tone, "is this SPANX?" and I said "dude, if it was spanx you wouldn't be able to stick your hand under it to feel my boobs right now."

Bottom line: his voice had ATTITUDE.


Until I broke the truth to him, my boyfriend had no idea that fake hair existed (beyond the Halloween wig, of course). I then spent several minutes googling people like Jessica Simpson, Taylor Momsen, Britney Spears and pointing out the several thousands of dollars they had glued on their heads.

It's true, see - men have no idea we do these things! Which I guess is slightly endearing that they assume we naturally look that pretty? Or maybe it's more endearing that we've succeeded in tricking them for eons.

tardi to the party

1) if crotchless spanx don't exist, they should, b/c that is hawt (in so many ways)
2) a)this talk about vaginas being ugly reminds me of the documentary The Perfect Vagina. it's an interesting enough watch, but then there's the labiaplasty. now, i can watch gory surgery videos all day, but that did something to me, y'all.
b)did you know there are labia length maximums for playboy? they can only be so many centimeters outside the labia majora. usually they just tuck em in. hustler has no such requirements

Edith Zimmerman

This is fascinating, can you please elaborate if possible??


"Usually they just tuck em in"-- WOW. More reasons to hate Playboy!

tardi to the party

i think this is the article i got some of that info from. and when i said hustler, i probably meant penthouse. and this is from 2005. and the website is called sexylabia.com

the labia, they are too sexy!

Redd Delicious

In re: lady bits acquiring a special scent after being encased in man-made fabrics for an evenings, let me quote the best review of jeggings EVER (anecdotal), i.e. "Love the fit but hate the stink." Oh god.

Redd Delicious

In re: lady bits acquiring a special scent after being encased in man-made fabrics for an evening, let me quote the best review of jeggings EVER (anecdotal), i.e. "Love the fit, but hate the stink." Oh god.

Allison Davis

I think this may be my favorite dude yet. (No offense, other dudes).


Ugh, I really must vehemently disagree. I found this Dude the most doucheist of all Dudes yet. Stop being so precious Dude!

fits and starts

I vehemently agree with your vehement disagreement. While I normally love the advice in this feature, this particular Dude was awful. Ugh.


Favorite Dude. Sorry others.


I just wanted to drop in to say this is a really funny site.


The issue of a vagina being pretty or not never arose when I was young and active. Vagina fashion is a relatively new phenomena. Today we have Telly Savalas vaginas, crew cut vaginas, Reagan Int. runway vaginas, geometric designed > vaginas to point the way, and probably a slew of others.

It was not too long ago that you could not see the forest for the trees. A vagina was referred to as ’bush’ for good reason. Because that was all you could see.

No one thought if a woman’s vagina was a Goldilocks vagina (not too big, not too small, but just right) A guy or girl would need a rake to find those flowered petals, or that cute tortoise head popping out of its shell.

After you chewed your way through the foliage and tasted the well spring of desire you were too close, and too excited, to notice, or care, if a vagina drooped or not.

Today, it is all out in the open. I guess the expression, “Let it all hang out,” was taken literally when it came to vaginas.

Would I refuse a Picasso painting because I do not like his style, or would I treasure the painting because it is a work of art? I feel the same way about vaginas. They are all works of art and I treasure them all. Now, if only I could find one. :>)

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