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Bisexuality, “Ass Worship,” and Failures in the Bedroom

When a guy goes down on you for the first time, how do you feel about him giving your butthole some love? As a guy who loves to worship a woman’s ass, my first inclination is to dive right in with reckless abandon — giving it a good tongue-fucking and maybe a little bit of finger — but there have been a couple of ladies in my life who’ve frowned such behavior. Your thoughts?

Heyyy! Hm. All right. If you’re already neck deep in it, then at some point you weren’t but you went for it, and she wasn’t like, “omg EW cut it out,” and that’s how you knew that what you were doing was all right. I think the same logic applies to going even neck-deeper (necker-deep? oh, wowww, nope sorry! nobody say that!). And I don’t think a little ass-licking’s gonna make most chicks jump butt-first outta bed and into hiding, especially if you’re like “EYE WARSHIP EWE” while you’re doing it.

I think though, keep your finger out of it for now, or — if she’s reeeeally into the first part — after a little while of that you can ask if she likes Digital Underground, and then if she’s like “Humpty Dance?” you can be like “I want to stick my finger in your ass,” ’cause she definitely didn’t get the joke, and you want to be sure before you tickle someone’s ivories (I don’t even know, anymore, what we’re talking about) that they know what you’re about to do and are on board with it. Because, penetration, you know?  I mean, do you want a chick to stick her finger up your ass without making sure that’s something you’re into first? Also, I am 100% asking you that question, please someone answer that question! But (butt) yeah, I think if you just ease into it, give her a chance to communicate in one way or another that she’s into it or not, and then go with that, then you’re all set.

If you’re as excited and great about all of it as you seem to be, maybe you’ll even convert a few of those  : ( ‘s into : P(( : D ‘s once they put it together that this thing they’d never thought of is something that gets you suuuuuper hot, which ultimately works really well in their favor when you get to doing the things that they’re always, constantly thinking about (sex). Anyway, who knows what anyone’s really thinking, you know? Except you, I mean. Everyone knows that you’re always thinking about butts, which is pretty cool, ’cause most people are usually thinking about work and bills and stuff, but you’re just like like “BUTTS!” at any given moment. You’re great.

I’m bisexual. And not the “bi now, gay later” kind of bisexual that some gay men feel duty bound to hilariously bring up whenever I mention it. Bisexual for real! I have been with women and men and it’s great with both and I don’t plan on choosing sides at any point in the future. But I’m not promiscuous, I don’t suddenly switch from one orientation to the other, I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life, and I don’t have any oddball tastes in the bedroom; put simply, there aren’t any surprises or stereotypes in store for my partners. So if I’m pursuing a lady, how soon should I bring this up? It doesn’t affect the way I behave in relationships, and I worry that some women may freak out unnecessarily if it comes up before they know me well enough to see that I’m not weird.

That’s kind of a tough question, dude! Not even for the reasons you think, probably. The short answer is that if you’re pursuing a lady and are still in the phase of playfully getting to know her I don’t think you have to tell her anything about your sexuality or sexual history that isn’t immediately relevant to that phase. Which is to say, tell her you’re bisexual as soon as you think it matters you’re bisexual. In most cases, if you’re on a second or third date, neither of you is going to be like, “so how many guys or girls have you ever banged!? Oh, cool which did you prefer and what were some of their names?” You’re going to be like, “I also like music and restaurants.”  If it turns from casual into something more serious, and you two are starting to have the kinds of conversations people have with the ones they’re looking to potentially share their life with (fourth date) — like a conversation about past sexual partners, or general sexual histories — and she asks if you’ve ever made that partner a guy, then you should tell her you’ve made it a guy because lying is stupid, and because it’s something she cares about enough to ask.

Otherwise, I don’t think you really have to bring it up until you feel compelled to share it with her. If finding out that you’re bi is going to bond-endingly freak her out, it’s probably going to freak her out whether you guys just met or have been dating for a while. And if she doesn’t make it clear that being in a relationship with a man who’s been with other men is an utter impossibility for her (which if it matters to her that much, she will probably somehow make clear the closer you become to being her boyyyyyfriend), then I don’t think you have to risk enduring or causing the kind of pain you’re worried about until it seems worth it to you to risk it.

That’s all if everything you said is true — specifically that being bi doesn’t affect the way you behave in relationships. Which honestly I don’t think is true in your case. Because if you don’t ever, ever cheat on anyone, but also don’t plan on choosing sides at ANY point in the future, then it means that whenever you’re in a relationship with a woman, you’re not going to be satisfied by that relationship unless you’re getting a little dick (a nice, normal-sized dick) as well. Which you’re not getting, ’cause you never cheat on anyone — so you settle for whatever sex parts your current partner has until things don’t work out, which does absolutely count as affecting the way you behave in a relationship. Because if, to be happy, you require the kind of arrangement where getting what you need isn’t “cheating” but it also isn’t “pussy,” then that’s something you’re gonna have to put out there — still not on the “I like music” date maybe, but, you know, don’t wait craaaazy long into a relationship to find out if that’s a possibility or not. Because, yeah, you do technically have at least one oddball taste in the bedroom, which is that you like fucking chicks as much as you like fucking dudes, which isn’t, statistically, a taste that most guys have. I think! I don’t know. But I’m just saying, that’s likely to be a surprise (surpriiiiise!) or a special thing that someone might not expect in our heteronormative blah blah hegemonic blah if they’re a woman who’s dating a man. Anyway, I mean, you kind of know that right? Or you wouldn’t be asking that question? Anyway, semantics, you know? What’s an oddball anyway? I used to know a guy who only had one testicle. What an oddball! Hi-O! I’m done.

When discussing romantic interests, is there an age cut-off where guys should stop using the word “girl” and start using the word “woman”? Calling someone in their 30s a girl seems weird, but the word woman is weird, too. Do you, a lady, have a preference? Isn’t “girl” patronizing on some level? On the flip side, doesn’t “woman” have this frumpy, heavily-sweatered ring to it? “She is a wonderful, wonderful woman.” Yuck. Should I just mix it up and stop over-thinking this? Does anyone care?

It depends. Good answer! I don’t know, there are a million permutations of young/old/male/female across which the answer will change. But I’m guessing you’re a male in his 20s or 30s, and when you’re talking romance you’re talking about a female also in her 20s or 30s, in which case, no, I don’t think it’s offensive or weird to call her a girl. If you’re talking about someone who gets your train running (or a different phrase that literally nobody has ever used) call her whatever you want, I think. Also, who are you worried about offending? Because you’re probably not calling her a girl-or-woman to her face, right? If you are, really slowly say “woman, I want to date you, girl,” and extra-closely study how her facial expression changes throughout, and that’s how you’ll know which she prefers. But if you’re talking to your friends about her, talk to them however instinctively feels right to you and yes, stop over-thinking it.

Anyway, if all of that super hot “discussing romantic interests” pays off, one day “girls” will be the people your children play with, “women” will be their mothers, and you’ll absolutely know when to say which of those words. But until then you’re good, so chill out, nobody cares.

Recently I had sort of a fling that didn’t end particularly well. We went on a few dates, met each other’s friends, and spent a single drunken night together — not necessarily in that order. Then she kind of lost interest and stopped talking to me. I wasn’t happy about it, but whatever, I moved on. Then later, it came to my attention that she was telling her friends I had failed to perform in the bedroom! Now granted, between the booze, sleepiness, and fatigue from a long session of fooling around, I was drooping a little by the time she got interested in actual penetration and decided to save it for the second bedroom romp — the one that never happened. But what the hell!? Wasn’t it enough to dump me without also trying to ruin my reputation with a bunch of people I barely know? Is this a normal thing that girls do?

Well, yes. A normal thing that girls do is talk about sex with their friends. We talk about the sex we had, the sex we’re having, the sex we almost had, the sex we wish we were having, and sometimes, if the story generated by someone else’s sex is good enough, the sex one of our friends had or is having. So, yes, that is a thing. But also, guys do that too? All the time, on YoutTube? And maybe/probably if you were getting sweaty with some chick and after a pleasant amount of touching and unbuttoning she was like, “alright, I’m saving the rest for next time goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeee!” you’d probably tell at least one of your friends that that happened. Or not. Who knows!? It wouldn’t be weird if you did, is all.

And I think it’s worth mentioning that maybe she wasn’t out to ruin your reputation, necessarily. Some girls, sometimes, won’t automatically understand why your dick isn’t getting hard despite all the attention it’s getting, and will suspect it’s because they’re doing something wrong or doing the right thing the wrong way and that you’re laying there like, “I’m so borrrrreeed” (especially depending on how old you and your friends are, also I have other questions about this group of friends and how even though you and that girl don’t talk anymore one of her friends who you met told you that she said that thing about you, and are you guys Skins?).  So maybe she assumed that, and assumed that you were going to run and tell all your (very talkative to each other) friends that she couldn’t get your dick to work, and instead of letting you ruin her reputation, she made it preemptively clear that despite every wonderfully generous thing she did, your dick was the one that was like “I’d rather not” before it got out of bed and straightened out all of the books on the bookshelf and made itself some tea or whatever. I don’t know, I’m just saying, that is another, less malicious possibility of what happened.

And yeah, she could’ve not told any of her friends, but also she did, so now what? Oh! Next time you’re flingin’ around and your dick threatens to get hard, chill out, have one fewer drink, don’t get as tired, and fuuuuuuck the shiiiiittttttt out of the girl who got you there. If your group of friends is so weirdly tight knit that it came to your attention when Girl A was going on about what you did or didn’t do that time, chances are that she’ll find out what you did — and how! — with Girl B, and will maybe even feel like a dum-dum for shit-talking her way outta that good dick. But yes, the answer is yes, girls talk about sex and will continue to do that forever. Use it to your advantage instead.

Thoughts on cum? Specifically, what part(s) of your anatomy do you most enjoy having it deposited on? You guys can’t really be all that into the facial thing that’s so prevalent in porn these days, right?

“The only facial a girl wants is blah blah blah day spa blah blah the worst lolol!”

Anyway, yeah don’t cum all over a girl’s face. Unless you hate her, I guess, but then also don’t be fucking her. If you don’t hate the girl you’re fucking (you seem great) the the best place to cum is probably wherever she wants you to, which means you’re gonna have to ask her. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong and she wants you to cum all over her face! (I’m not wrong though, she doesn’t want you to do that.) The only way you’ll really ever know is by asking her, because that’s different for everyone, I think. Oh but when you ask, don’t say “depositied” or “anatomy.” Don’t do that! If you’ve got something in mind, maybe lean in and be like “I really wanna blank on your blank” and see if she’s like “YES, OMG DO IT” or “omg I want it HERE instead!” and then problem solved. Your goal is to make it sound so hot and exciting that she’ll forget you’re basically about to puke on her, so yeah, work it out amongst yourselves, all over each other, etc.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

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