Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Bisexuality, "Ass Worship," and Failures in the Bedroom

When a guy goes down on you for the first time, how do you feel about him giving your butthole some love? As a guy who loves to worship a woman's ass, my first inclination is to dive right in with reckless abandon — giving it a good tongue-fucking and maybe a little bit of finger — but there have been a couple of ladies in my life who've frowned such behavior. Your thoughts?

Heyyy! Hm. All right. If you're already neck deep in it, then at some point you weren't but you went for it, and she wasn't like, "omg EW cut it out," and that's how you knew that what you were doing was all right. I think the same logic applies to going even neck-deeper (necker-deep? oh, wowww, nope sorry! nobody say that!). And I don't think a little ass-licking's gonna make most chicks jump butt-first outta bed and into hiding, especially if you're like "EYE WARSHIP EWE" while you're doing it.

I think though, keep your finger out of it for now, or — if she's reeeeally into the first part — after a little while of that you can ask if she likes Digital Underground, and then if she's like "Humpty Dance?" you can be like "I want to stick my finger in your ass," 'cause she definitely didn't get the joke, and you want to be sure before you tickle someone's ivories (I don't even know, anymore, what we're talking about) that they know what you're about to do and are on board with it. Because, penetration, you know?  I mean, do you want a chick to stick her finger up your ass without making sure that's something you're into first? Also, I am 100% asking you that question, please someone answer that question! But (butt) yeah, I think if you just ease into it, give her a chance to communicate in one way or another that she's into it or not, and then go with that, then you're all set.

If you're as excited and great about all of it as you seem to be, maybe you'll even convert a few of those  : ( 's into : P(( : D 's once they put it together that this thing they'd never thought of is something that gets you suuuuuper hot, which ultimately works really well in their favor when you get to doing the things that they're always, constantly thinking about (sex). Anyway, who knows what anyone's really thinking, you know? Except you, I mean. Everyone knows that you're always thinking about butts, which is pretty cool, 'cause most people are usually thinking about work and bills and stuff, but you're just like like "BUTTS!" at any given moment. You're great.

I'm bisexual. And not the "bi now, gay later" kind of bisexual that some gay men feel duty bound to hilariously bring up whenever I mention it. Bisexual for real! I have been with women and men and it's great with both and I don't plan on choosing sides at any point in the future. But I'm not promiscuous, I don't suddenly switch from one orientation to the other, I've never cheated on anyone in my life, and I don't have any oddball tastes in the bedroom; put simply, there aren't any surprises or stereotypes in store for my partners. So if I'm pursuing a lady, how soon should I bring this up? It doesn't affect the way I behave in relationships, and I worry that some women may freak out unnecessarily if it comes up before they know me well enough to see that I'm not weird.

That's kind of a tough question, dude! Not even for the reasons you think, probably. The short answer is that if you're pursuing a lady and are still in the phase of playfully getting to know her I don't think you have to tell her anything about your sexuality or sexual history that isn't immediately relevant to that phase. Which is to say, tell her you're bisexual as soon as you think it matters you're bisexual. In most cases, if you're on a second or third date, neither of you is going to be like, "so how many guys or girls have you ever banged!? Oh, cool which did you prefer and what were some of their names?" You're going to be like, "I also like music and restaurants."  If it turns from casual into something more serious, and you two are starting to have the kinds of conversations people have with the ones they're looking to potentially share their life with (fourth date) — like a conversation about past sexual partners, or general sexual histories — and she asks if you've ever made that partner a guy, then you should tell her you've made it a guy because lying is stupid, and because it's something she cares about enough to ask.

Otherwise, I don't think you really have to bring it up until you feel compelled to share it with her. If finding out that you're bi is going to bond-endingly freak her out, it's probably going to freak her out whether you guys just met or have been dating for a while. And if she doesn't make it clear that being in a relationship with a man who's been with other men is an utter impossibility for her (which if it matters to her that much, she will probably somehow make clear the closer you become to being her boyyyyyfriend), then I don't think you have to risk enduring or causing the kind of pain you're worried about until it seems worth it to you to risk it.

That's all if everything you said is true — specifically that being bi doesn't affect the way you behave in relationships. Which honestly I don't think is true in your case. Because if you don't ever, ever cheat on anyone, but also don't plan on choosing sides at ANY point in the future, then it means that whenever you're in a relationship with a woman, you're not going to be satisfied by that relationship unless you're getting a little dick (a nice, normal-sized dick) as well. Which you're not getting, 'cause you never cheat on anyone — so you settle for whatever sex parts your current partner has until things don't work out, which does absolutely count as affecting the way you behave in a relationship. Because if, to be happy, you require the kind of arrangement where getting what you need isn't "cheating" but it also isn't "pussy," then that's something you're gonna have to put out there — still not on the "I like music" date maybe, but, you know, don't wait craaaazy long into a relationship to find out if that's a possibility or not. Because, yeah, you do technically have at least one oddball taste in the bedroom, which is that you like fucking chicks as much as you like fucking dudes, which isn't, statistically, a taste that most guys have. I think! I don't know. But I'm just saying, that's likely to be a surprise (surpriiiiise!) or a special thing that someone might not expect in our heteronormative blah blah hegemonic blah if they're a woman who's dating a man. Anyway, I mean, you kind of know that right? Or you wouldn't be asking that question? Anyway, semantics, you know? What's an oddball anyway? I used to know a guy who only had one testicle. What an oddball! Hi-O! I'm done.

When discussing romantic interests, is there an age cut-off where guys should stop using the word "girl" and start using the word "woman"? Calling someone in their 30s a girl seems weird, but the word woman is weird, too. Do you, a lady, have a preference? Isn't "girl" patronizing on some level? On the flip side, doesn't "woman" have this frumpy, heavily-sweatered ring to it? "She is a wonderful, wonderful woman." Yuck. Should I just mix it up and stop over-thinking this? Does anyone care?

It depends. Good answer! I don't know, there are a million permutations of young/old/male/female across which the answer will change. But I'm guessing you're a male in his 20s or 30s, and when you're talking romance you're talking about a female also in her 20s or 30s, in which case, no, I don't think it's offensive or weird to call her a girl. If you're talking about someone who gets your train running (or a different phrase that literally nobody has ever used) call her whatever you want, I think. Also, who are you worried about offending? Because you're probably not calling her a girl-or-woman to her face, right? If you are, really slowly say "woman, I want to date you, girl," and extra-closely study how her facial expression changes throughout, and that's how you'll know which she prefers. But if you're talking to your friends about her, talk to them however instinctively feels right to you and yes, stop over-thinking it.

Anyway, if all of that super hot "discussing romantic interests" pays off, one day "girls" will be the people your children play with, "women" will be their mothers, and you'll absolutely know when to say which of those words. But until then you're good, so chill out, nobody cares.

Recently I had sort of a fling that didn't end particularly well. We went on a few dates, met each other's friends, and spent a single drunken night together — not necessarily in that order. Then she kind of lost interest and stopped talking to me. I wasn't happy about it, but whatever, I moved on. Then later, it came to my attention that she was telling her friends I had failed to perform in the bedroom! Now granted, between the booze, sleepiness, and fatigue from a long session of fooling around, I was drooping a little by the time she got interested in actual penetration and decided to save it for the second bedroom romp — the one that never happened. But what the hell!? Wasn't it enough to dump me without also trying to ruin my reputation with a bunch of people I barely know? Is this a normal thing that girls do?

Well, yes. A normal thing that girls do is talk about sex with their friends. We talk about the sex we had, the sex we're having, the sex we almost had, the sex we wish we were having, and sometimes, if the story generated by someone else's sex is good enough, the sex one of our friends had or is having. So, yes, that is a thing. But also, guys do that too? All the time, on YoutTube? And maybe/probably if you were getting sweaty with some chick and after a pleasant amount of touching and unbuttoning she was like, "alright, I'm saving the rest for next time goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeee!" you'd probably tell at least one of your friends that that happened. Or not. Who knows!? It wouldn't be weird if you did, is all.

And I think it's worth mentioning that maybe she wasn't out to ruin your reputation, necessarily. Some girls, sometimes, won't automatically understand why your dick isn't getting hard despite all the attention it's getting, and will suspect it's because they're doing something wrong or doing the right thing the wrong way and that you're laying there like, "I'm so borrrrreeed" (especially depending on how old you and your friends are, also I have other questions about this group of friends and how even though you and that girl don't talk anymore one of her friends who you met told you that she said that thing about you, and are you guys Skins?).  So maybe she assumed that, and assumed that you were going to run and tell all your (very talkative to each other) friends that she couldn't get your dick to work, and instead of letting you ruin her reputation, she made it preemptively clear that despite every wonderfully generous thing she did, your dick was the one that was like "I'd rather not" before it got out of bed and straightened out all of the books on the bookshelf and made itself some tea or whatever. I don't know, I'm just saying, that is another, less malicious possibility of what happened.

And yeah, she could've not told any of her friends, but also she did, so now what? Oh! Next time you're flingin' around and your dick threatens to get hard, chill out, have one fewer drink, don't get as tired, and fuuuuuuck the shiiiiittttttt out of the girl who got you there. If your group of friends is so weirdly tight knit that it came to your attention when Girl A was going on about what you did or didn't do that time, chances are that she'll find out what you did — and how! — with Girl B, and will maybe even feel like a dum-dum for shit-talking her way outta that good dick. But yes, the answer is yes, girls talk about sex and will continue to do that forever. Use it to your advantage instead.

Thoughts on cum? Specifically, what part(s) of your anatomy do you most enjoy having it deposited on? You guys can't really be all that into the facial thing that's so prevalent in porn these days, right?

"The only facial a girl wants is blah blah blah day spa blah blah the worst lolol!"

Anyway, yeah don't cum all over a girl's face. Unless you hate her, I guess, but then also don't be fucking her. If you don't hate the girl you're fucking (you seem great) the the best place to cum is probably wherever she wants you to, which means you're gonna have to ask her. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and she wants you to cum all over her face! (I'm not wrong though, she doesn't want you to do that.) The only way you'll really ever know is by asking her, because that's different for everyone, I think. Oh but when you ask, don't say "depositied" or "anatomy." Don't do that! If you've got something in mind, maybe lean in and be like "I really wanna blank on your blank" and see if she's like "YES, OMG DO IT" or "omg I want it HERE instead!" and then problem solved. Your goal is to make it sound so hot and exciting that she'll forget you're basically about to puke on her, so yeah, work it out amongst yourselves, all over each other, etc.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

77 Comments / Post A Comment


I haven't even read this yet, but YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


I'm very happy that this happened and am thinking up questions now.


EDITH EYE WARSHIP EWE! (there's no way this is not Edith right?)

Edith Zimmerman

I'll nip this in the bud — not me!


Edith writes everything, right!! There never was a Liz! Be honest!

Hero of the Beach

I was trying to puzzle out who it was too and all I was sure of was "Not Edith".


Got the occasional Choi vibe...

nicki minaj

i don't know, am i the only chick that actually likes cum on the face?


Hold still for a minute.


No, but the suggestion that he ask first is pretty sound.

Katie Walsh

You're not. So guys, if a girl WANTS cum on some part of her body, she will/should tell you with words. If she doesn't say anything, she's probably not like, silently wishing you pick up her ESP signals to blast a load on her face. Do not just go for it cause that porn lady really seemed to like it. There should be clear signals and instructions. Happy Cumshotting.


@Katie: I feel like sometimes there can be obvious visual cues as well, but what's your opinion? An expression and gesture can be just as effective, no?


I'm an asker. And really, whatever the answer winds up being, my reaction is always the same: "Wow. Really?"


@BOD: But when you asked at the bukkakke party, it was just embarrassing for all of us.

Katie Walsh

Sure yeah, I guess if your mouth is otherwise occupied, or not available for communication, sign language and signals can work too. I guess the signal/cue should just be clear. And it will be, dudes.


@stc: It was my first time! Cut me some slack.

fits and starts

KatieWalsh, you should be one of the rotating girls that dispenses advice in this column.

Katie Walsh

Thanks fits and starts! I appreciate the nomination!


@Nickiminaj -- hi, I am new here. I just had a lot of pineapple. ;) ;)


ugh, the emoticons just made it gross.


If it wasn't infected before, it is now.


And here I was, thinking Weezy signed you for your talent


Hmm the Bi question made me think of Carrie Bradshaw and the episode with Alanis Morrisette and I think he told her right away? And she obsessed over it, per SATC standard issue. I think it might be somewhat safe to say, it will become a preoccupation once you tell the person, at least for a little bit. But, I don't live in Brooklyn, so maybe I'm wrong on that, I'm sure plenty of girls won't even blink? I would probably blink. I'm too jealous not to.


@PBandJ A bisexual person is no more likely to cheat on you than a straight or gay person. We can be satisfied in monogamous relationships. We aren't slutty monsters.


I think bisexual guys are hot. I'm definitely into it.

Lauren Payette

I'm a little surprised/offended at the assumption that a bisexual person can't be satisfied in a monogamous relationship without "choosing sides." Haven't we established that a person doesn't choose his sexual orientation? And how is it different from any other committed relationship, in which one might find himself attracted to someone other than his partner but doesn't act on it? This strikes me as an outdated, and frankly, ignorant attitude, especially in 2011.

Robert E Hanifen Jr

Well, they do say you can't please everybody. Ba da bing! Or fail. Or whatever.


Word. I interpreted the "not choosing sides" thing as, for example, still identifying as bisexual despite a lifetime of only sleeping with one gender. There's a difference between "okay, I'm only going to fuck women (this one woman) now!" vs. "I only want to fuck women now, no gay!" But I don't think The Lady got that.

fits and starts

@Lauren: Yes! Thank you.


@Lauren Payette

Thank you so much! I was REALLY disappointed with this answer. Usually everyone around her is so 3rd wave feminist-y and I love most of these column responses. But, come on? such a stereotype. I don't think you need to disclose you entire sexual/sexuality history with someone you are dating on the first date, but if someone responded to me with this sort of stereotype about people who are bi I don't think we could seriously date. I don't take this as a personal offense but I wish that A Lady had done a little more research on this one. But I'm still reading...


@Lauren Payette: yeah, I agree with this also. Just like any relationship-- just because you're still technically and hypothetically attracted to both sexes, doesn't mean you can't be satisfied in a permanent relationship with just a man or a woman! As a bisexual woman with a boyfriend I can say that I'm never going to cheat on him with anyone, girl or boy. It just means that IF i was ever single again, I would be on the market for either one!


@Lauren Payette Thank you! I really didn't like seeing that. As a bisexual woman who has dated (exclusively, without cheating) men and women, it's offensive to me that people image anyone who is bisexual can't be satisfied.

The letter writer even clarified (because they've been previously criticized, as have I!) that they are not on the road to gay, not slutty and not a cheater. Because bisexual people face this criticism ALL the time! So if you can't separate your opinions about bisexual people from what you're writing, I suggest you stop writing about bisexual people and their relationships.


@Sierra Right?! Why the assumption that a guy in a relationship who is attracted to women is less likely to cheat just because he doesn't like dick? This just feeds into stereotypes of queer people as slutty sexual deviants.


> so you settle for whatever sex parts your current partner has until things don't work out

Heyyyyy, whoa. This kinda grates on me. I mean, I've dated people who weren't way-deep-obsessed with music like I am, but it didn't mean I whiled away my time until things broke enough that I could lunge at someone in a Weakerthans t-shirt.*

Being attracted to more than one gender doesn't mean you NEED to get some of both at the same time. Some people do, some people don't, and this sounds like one of the folks who doesn't. The question was "When do I disclose the bi," not "When do I disclose my MEDICAL NEED FOR WANG.**"


** God, I loved typing that sentence.


I'd like to formally nominate arletterocks for consideration in the rotating stable of Ladies Who Know Everything.

Also, I once went on a two hour road trip to see the Weakerthans in Sackville, NB, in the middle of a snowstorm in my friend's mom's minivan the night after seeing them at my campus bar. One of my friends went on stage and played guitar at one point. Best. night.

fits and starts

I'd like to second that nomination.


@arletterocks If you get any overflow of cute boys in Weakerthans shirts, can you send them my way?


@arletterocks John K. Samson is totally touring right now for his solo album. I hugged him twice and told him how much I have loved him forever since I was 15 and he was in Propaghandi, and he took it very graciously and didn't even give me the side-eye for being tipsy and slightly crazed. He even signed the shirt I bought. You should probably check the tour dates. He is married, but you will probably meet some dudes with really great taste in obscure super hip music if you go to one of his solo shows.


The thing about waiting until later to reveal your bi-ness it that that's not really an option for online daters. Sexual orientation is usually stated from the jump, which maybe makes things harder for the bi's?


Bi girl here. The only thing difficult about saying that you're bi up front on a dating site is that you have to ignore messages from folks who want to have a threesome with you. That is, if you're like me, and have a hard enough time figuring out what to do with one person, much less two.


Also, I tend to like dudes who have at least messed around with other dudes. I have a friend with a sticker on her computer that says: Never trust a guy who hasn't been f'ed in the a. I love this friend.


@ A lady: Interesting, with protective wear like yours, I would have guessed devoutly pro-facial.


I'm a bisexual woman and I don't think the Lady answered that question fairly. Bisexuality means I'm not limited in choosing my partners and when I'm with a man, I don't want to be with another man or a woman and vice versa. I won't choose sides any time in the future but when I decide to be in a "till death do us part" relationship with a man OR a woman, I'm pretty sure I will not feel the need to get some from the side.
With that said, I agree that you shouldn't break the "I'm bisexual!" thing too soon into the relationship. Then again, if someone has a problem with that, they will continue to have a problem and need to work hard to overcome it.


You know, some butthole licking is all good and well but (butt) if it turns to tongue-fucking I just start to feel slimy. Same for the guys who think it's going to be magical if they start to tongue-fuck my pussy. No dude. No. Stop.


I'd have a hard time having a bi boyfriend as a straight girl BECAUSE at this point in my life, I'd be interested in a serious relationship and I've never met a "happlily settled and married with kids" bi guy married to a woman.


How do you know you haven't? Do you ask every married man you meet about their sexual preference and history? Or do you just assume the "happily settled and married with kids" guys you've met are straight?


@TooCool4School Not every person who is married with kids has only had relationships with the person they're married too. There's nothing to prevent a bisexual man or woman being happily married and a good parent to someone of the same or opposite sex.

Your (and the Lady's) assumption that bisexual people can't settle down with one person in a monogamous healthy relationship is part of why it's so tough to be openly bisexual


man, agreed with ms. payette and arletterocks. preach.

Redd Delicious

Regarding the Girls vs. Women conundrum: just refer to any and all female people as "laydees," in the style of Jerry Lewis.


Bi guys are definitely sexy.


1. Totally love ass worship. bring it on.
2. I love bi guys.
3. You can call me goddess.
4. n/a
5. Jizz in the condom on your dick inside of me. What kind of stupid stunt fucking are you doing? You know the stuff they do in porn is solely for the camera.


Wait, do girls for real think non-bonerdom is their fault?


Sometimes,yes. Like you don't like the way we look or what we are doing or whatever.


Oh man, that stinks, it's NEVER your fault! This has only ever happened to me because 1) too stoked on/ nervous about said babe; 2) whiskey dick. Sometimes it was both for obvious reasons. Besides we're in that bed or closet or bathroom or bus stop shelter with you on our own volition, we're there because we're dtf. Like super dtf, right then, 20 times. It's never because of you, pretty lay-dees!


Yeah, Kitten_witawip, why can't it stay in the bag? I don't want to be thinking of some other place for it to go, i've got other things on my mind surely by that point.
Also, re-bum worship, I would've thought that men's apparent 'ick' factor in possible odours involved in regular oral would extend and be a whole lot greater in the bum area? Am I right?


Nah, we're down there already, it's all good. Especially if you're in the stand-up position and we're behind, or 69-in' it. I mean then we're realllly right there, like staring down the barrel. So long as you're keeping your weapons cleaned (I love this euphemism) then no worries.

A funny smell is only bad if it means UNCLEAN!!!! (aka 'ick') Other funny smells are just funny, and we all make them, so who cares?


i fully support the writing style of this article, 100%


Thanks for perpetuating an offensive stereotype of bisexuals. It's 2011, can we be clear on some things? Bisexuals are not promiscuous by default - it doesn't come with the orientation. There's this myth that when a bisexual person takes a partner, they will eventually crave whatever gender they're not currently committed to... this is totally absurd.

We're logical people driven by more than animal instincts, and I expected a lot more from a Hairpin writer. Thanks for reducing an entire community to nothing more than an offensive, inaccurate, slutty cliche.


Honestly, I don't think it is a bisexual/slut stereotype as much as a stereotype about men or everyone in general. Even in the mainstream heteronormitave blah blah people constantly say things like "all men cheat" "all men are just looking for the opportunity to cheat" "monagamy sucks and is unnatural" etc...and act like all men are tricked into stable relationships.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

Yeah, I generally love the Hairpin but I'm not down with heteronormativity and stereotypes. I expected more from you guys.


This column is AMAZING! New favorite.


I cannot emphasize enough to ask "where do you want me to come?" because that is hot and then it goes exactly where it should go at that moment in time. I am surprised at all the ladies here that not into creative comeshots.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

Hey, I'm allergic to it, no lie. SO has to wear protection, even when I was on the pill. I'm not looking forward to if/when we decide to concieve. Apparently it's not uncommon to have a reaction to it.

Feminist Killjoy

i freaking love Ask A Lady


Okay, so, the answer to that bi dude was so offensive and off-base I prayed for a full minute that you would be all, PSYCH, I don't actually have no knowledge about bisexual people! Just kiddin'.

So, the idea that he needs to get some dick in order to be happy in his relationship? It's not like a bisexual man can't be truly satisfied unless he's getting fucked in the ass by a guy while he eats out a girl. Or that he somehow will feel this inexplicable urge to go bone a dude when he's in a loving, satisfying sexual relationship with a woman. Besides, if he really DOES need dick, his girl could figure that out for him. Just sayin'. There are just so many things wrong with that assumption that I could go on and on and on, but I'll spare you.

Basically, you seriously should consider widening your GLBTQ knowledge base before you attempt to answer questions pertaining to this subject matter. Just pass the next question like this onto A Queer Chick; she could answer it without offending the very core of my being. I kind of feel like a cat someone petted the wrong way with, like, a metal hand, or something. Suffice it to say it was UNCOMFORTABLE to read that.


@Neets Co-signed so so very hard.


@Neets Hell the the yes. Preach on!

pamela m

Personally I'm happy to be jizzed on wherever and I'd prefer a dude doesn't ask, but whatever I guess if there has to be a rule I'm not the one to make it.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, once I was going down on a dude and he said he was going to cum. And THEN he (inexpicably, sincerely) said "Do you understand what I mean??"

!!! I'd like to see ANY of you face that and not burst out laughing at what is clearly a top 5 awkward laughter moment.

Summer Somewhere

"Stay closeted until she asks you very specifically about it and when she does, you should let her know, because bisexuals can't commit and she needs to know that."


@Summer Somewhere So glad to know that all my monogamous relationships were just flukes. Maybe I should be the subject of a paper?


i liked this. despite my and many others' disagreement with the bisexuality answer i think other than that it was spot on. annnd I think I know who wrote it too! but i won't out her on here cause it's a secret. But yeah, this was all hilarious. Can you guys tell my bf to finger my butt more often?

Holex iii

Seriously, did "A Lady" not think of the word "lady" when referring to women/girls?

Also, agree with everyone re: bi-question. Yikes, how did this make it into print?

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