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A Few Questions for the Hot Guy I Pass on the Way to Work Every Morning
1. What’s your job, exactly? You’re always entering the subway station just as I’m coming out of it, at around 9:30 a.m. So I’d guess you don’t have to be at work until 10, or maybe even later, depending where your office is. (I’m assuming you work in an office.)
I don’t know how far you take the subway since I’ve never followed you. That’s not to say I haven’t considered following you, it’s just to say that when I see you at 9:30 in the morning I’m already half an hour late, so following you isn’t very practical for me. Especially if you’re journeying far away, like up to Harlem or something. I don’t think you’re going to Harlem, but I don’t really know, and it would be great if you could clarify.
I’m also curious to know what sort of job is okay with its employees showing up at 10 a.m., if not later. Plus you’re usually wearing jeans and adorable sneakers. You must work in a really cool office, if that’s your workplace dress code. Can you tell me what it’s like there? Maybe give me a business card or some other informative paperwork?
2. What happened to that girl you were dating? I don’t know if you remember this, but you used to have a girlfriend. This was last winter. Even if she wasn’t technically your girlfriend, I’m pretty convinced you were at least banging her, since otherwise why would you two be walking to the subway together in the morning? Unless you were meeting for frequent pre-work breakfasts. Do you like breakfast?
Anyway, what happened to this girl? I haven’t seen her in months. And why was it also okay for her to head into work at 9:30? What are the odds that two people would start dating and neither of them would have to arrive at work until late morning? Unless she is in fact your co-worker. Is she your co-worker? Is that awkward for you now that you guys have broken up?
3. Where are the other girls you’re dating? You must have an active love life. You’re a tall, hot man living in New York City; the ladies must fall at your feet. Yet when I see you walking to the subway these days, you’re nearly always alone. Do you not do sleepovers on weeknights because you think they would distract you from your very serious, very demanding job, whatever it is? Or have you made some sort of virginity pledge, like because you’re saving yourself for me?
4. How do you always manage to look so good? Even when it’s the dead of winter and I hurry past you wearing a ripped pea coat over a puffy thermal vest, and I’m dripping snot all over my scarf, and my snow boots from high school are caked in dirt — somehow, you look great. Even when it’s the middle of summer and my un-pedicured feet trip by in three-year-old flip-flops, my hair afrizz in the humidity, my skin glistening with sweat — still, you look incredible. A pair of inscrutable sunglasses, and you are ready to fucking go. How do you do it?
5. How often do you think about me? I would say that I think about you a normal amount, taking into account how hot you are, and the fact that I’ve seen you at least a few times a week every week for the past four years. Do you have a list of questions for me, too? If so, why don’t you just ask me? Are you intimidated by the way I never look you in the eye, or by the cool music I’m probably listening to on my headphones whenever I walk by you, or by the extreme levels of sweat I manage to secrete during the summer months?
Just to check: You do notice that you pass me every morning, right? You probably see a number of short brunette girls on your way to the West 4th Street subway station. But you notice me specifically, don’t you? And you also think it’s so uncanny that we keep running into each other like this, right? And you think that it can’t possibly be a coincidence, it must mean something, the way our paths keep crossing?
I know, I know. We’re in total agreement here.
Photo via Flickr