Who Are You, Latisse?
Uh oh. Trouble in Latisse-land! Rumor has it that Claire Danes — Emmy-winning spokeswoman for freaky Latisse, the serum whose only function is to make your eyelashes grow a tiny bit longer — is having trouble with her eye skin:
a source claims that Danes' makeup artist has to plaster on concealer to cover the purplish and yellowish shade. "It is hard to cover it up," the source said.
Crushing. But also, Latisse? "Yeah, I dunno, a mysterious new chemical? What could possibly go wrong; let me put that right directly into my eyes."
I picture Latisse — or, the human embodiment of Latisse — as like a mix of Maleficent and the witch who poisoned Snow White. All cold and glamorous, slinking around, offering you her apple very casually. "Oh this apple? I've got too many at home, you should totally go ahead." And you feel kind of uncomfortable because you barely know her, but whatever, so you take a bite, and then another, and then all of a sudden everything goes black, but you can hear Latisse laughing, so you're like "Latisse! Help me!!" but she's like, "You shut the fuck up!" And then something terrible happens, like she steals your baby!
Anyway, don't do Latisse! Latisse, you jerk.
P.S. Did you know Claire Danes has a Latisse Blog?
Whoa.
Latisse freaks me the fuck out. It can not only discolor the skin around your eyes but even CHANGE YOUR EYE COLOR.
WHAT?!
Yes, I think it even says in the fine print in the ads.
The evil starts when, in the commercial, they claim that having short eyelashes is some kind of medical condition. OMG! Now I'm so angry. And Claire Danes? Really? What are you doing shilling Latisse?
I really have SO MUCH to say about this … which I somehow didn't say any of in this post about Latisse? But like, yeah, I thought Claire Danes was OK I guess, but then why on EARTH is she shilling for this weird, weird company?! I don't understand!!! (And now I dislike her?)
Every DAY it's drilled home again and again that the Hollywood life is just incomprehensibly strange.
Pharma marketing = big big big money. I'm thinking she's not making much on those 'My So Called Life' re-runs…and she's not the ingenue she was at 24. Still, sad/weird totally.
Those commercials! She's all blond and shoe shopping and it's disturbing! Angela Chase does not window shop for stilettoes and eat brunch with dingbats!
So disturbing. Like a Stepford wax 'n' metal version of Claire. But I can tell you why she did it. For $, duh but also, and I am so sorry for this, but that slime doesn't just make your eyelashes a teeny bit longer. It makes them so long they hit your glasses and bend, so long you have to cut them, so long you suddenly look like a magical fairy of glamour. I've seen it.
I know, I know.
"hyperpigmentation" = OH SHIT!
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION about Ubik for Longer Lashes
Hair growth may occur suddenly and in unexpected places on the body. If you experience RDEG (random displaced eyelash growth), do not attempt to remove this hair or touch it too frequently. Eyelid skin may turn rainbow colors with sagging, wart-stippled bruises, which may be reversible.
USE EXACTLY AS DIRECTED OR SSF (SUDDEN SOCKET FAILURE) SYNDROME MAY OCCUR. Do not use near eyes. Do not cry or sob. If you discontinue use, lashes may shrink to withered stubs. If you develop or experience blindness, uncontrollable itching, or incontinence, consult with your doctor. If you are pregnant or may someday become pregnant, consult with your cosmetologist. The most common side effects are rectal spasms, upper-lid heaviness (Ottoman Fan Syndrome), and permanent irregular nictitation.