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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

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The "Winter Boyfriend"

Marie Claire's Maura Kelly asks, "Should You Lock in a Winter Boyfriend?" and I don't even want to know what she's talking about because YES. Lock him IN. Lock, lock, lock. Who's there? "My winter boyfriend!" ... is what you'll say when someone asks who it is you keep trapped inside your room. Ahh, anyway.

What does your winter boyfriend eat? Candy and trail mix. Where does your winter boyfriend sleep? On a little pallet made of hay. What does your winter boyfriend do all day? He sleeps, or he takes short walks around your house. What is your winter boyfriend's name? Jib. How tall is your winter boyfriend? Four feet. Where does your winter boyfriend go to the bathroom? That's between you and your winter boyfriend to figure out. A lot of them don't need to go to the bathroom at all, but they can't genetically predict or breed for that, yet. How long will your winter boyfriend live? With proper care, about 70 days. Some winter boyfriends have been known to live for as long as 100 days, and one winter boyfriend escaped from his owner at around day 60 and was spotted months later living under a bench, but he was extremely sick.

85 Comments / Post A Comment

harrison

i am picturing golem, after the sick-under-a-bench part.

deepomega

Winter boyfriends produce deficient amounts of lysine, so if they escape they will die without their lysine supplements.

garge

This I remind my winter boyfriend six times a day so he never leeeeaaaaaves me.

Wookiee Hole

@deepomega I'm really worried that my boyfriend will escape and be able to survive on soy plants.

antarcticastartshere

Please remember to help control the winter boyfriend population and always have your winter boyfriends spayed or neutered.

Hero of the Beach

Are winter boyfriends biodegradable? Can you put them in your compost when you're done with them?

velcrosneakers

Where can I get one, specifically one that looks like that doodle?!

Edith Zimmerman

DOODLE?!

velcrosneakers

That was a typo! I mean photorealistic professional artist's rendering!

Edith Zimmerman

Thank you.

gumplr

The drawing reminds me of that "old hag or young beauty?" optical illusion except with a "captor or captive/babushka-Kenny-with-mouth-agape-and-also-no-feet" thing going on. Intention or serendipity?

velcrosneakers

I did NOT see it as an eye looking through a keyhole until now! I only saw the babushka Kenny thing prior to this comment holy shit.

maroidrage

Me too! I thought he had two snaggle-teeth and stitches for eyes. Mind blown!

MoonBat

Oh, man, this whole time it was an eye looking through a keyhole??? I just thought it was this warmly dressed little man with a full beard and two little teeth, and his bangs were kind of hanging in his eyes under the hat!

Antlers

The idiocy of Marie Claire articles is now at an all-time high.

Evie

This poor girl and her legacy. My takeaway from this article is that she's racist.

mathnet

Evie!!

Evie

I know, Math, I've been so bad, three years of commenter rehab. My handler says I can have a glass a day now, though.

Tuna Suprise

Well-meaning friends and family have gifted winter boyfriends to the single, lonely women in their lives because they look so cute under the tree on Christmas morning. But the sad reality is that while giving winter boyfriend is easy, taking care of a winter boyfriend is a full-time job.

Did you know the average winter boyfriend needs six changes of thermal underwear and flannel shirts per week? A winter boyfriend can eat a can of chili and two frozen burritos a day! To keep your winter boyfriend happy can take as much as a case of beer and baggie of weed per week!

So before you give a winter boyfriend this holiday season, ask youself whether you are also willing to give the PS3 or Xbox that the winter boyfriend will need to keep him from getting lonely while his winter girlfriend is at work.

MoonBat

Pbbbbttt. The kind of winter boyfriends that I like to give eat 2 D cells a week, and don need no steenking PS3 or Xbox.

saul "the bear" berenson

@Tuna Suprise Thank you for bringing attention to this issue. Did you know that Winter Boyfriend Control Services has to pick up hundreds of abandoned winter boyfriends from sports bars after the holidays each year? It seems many of the single women receive them as gifts were actually perfectly happy being single, and didn't want to take care of a winter boyfriend. Many of the poor things don't even last until Valentine's Day. I try to help by volunteering at my local Winter Boyfriend Rescue, but there's limited space so some of the undesirable ones inevitably get done away with. So sad. Save the winter boyfriends!

iantenna

is the term "grammatically incorrectly" gramatically correct? even if it is, it sure as hell looks awkward.

perpetua

I have nothing to add aside from that I adore this post. I wish this post was my own tiny winter boyfriend that I could keep in a pouch under a pillow.

atipofthehat

Say what you will about Marie Claire's Maura Kelly: at least she owns a hat.

Thecatfelix

Oh that Maura Kelly! She is like a performance art piece on how to write unintentionally hilarious, or evil, articles using the template of the modern beauty/women's magazine cliches.

petejayhawk

Uh oh. I think I might BE a winter boyfriend. Can you follow this up with a servicey post on determining if you are yourself a winter boyfriend? I'm so scared!

saythatscool

When did you guys meet? Are you both sort of letting your bodies go for the winter months? How often do you go out? Can you fart in front of her without her freaking out? Do you guys have the same tastes in entertainment but not friends? How well do you know her girlfriends? Have you two ever fisted? (That last one was just for my own edification)

petejayhawk

October. I am, but I'm rarely NOT doing that. Constantly. SBD. ...friends? Fairly well. ALL THE TIME.

Please, Dr. STC, lay it on me for real. Don't sugarcoat it, doc.

saythatscool

You have the makings of one but it's not a total lost cause. Play some D. You should try to be closer to her family (friends too if that's possible), thus making a dumping a harder thing. Try to plan something for the warmer months (think vacation or activity like outdoor fisting!) Finally, you need to stop expanding and farting. Romance her a little bit during these winter months and don't just turn into some lame couch potato where that's your only shared activity.

One last thing, join a fisting club and widen your circle of friends.

Robert E Hanifen Jr

Are you missing a sweater?

saythatscool

Will you buy me a sweater?

petejayhawk

Less farting, more fisting. Got it. THANKS STC!

Blacktress

Please note: Winter boyfriends--or, as I like to call them, winter spoons--must be able to maintain a shelf/bed-life of at least 6 months. This is approximately the length of time from Thanksgiving until Arbor Day. Never underfeed a winter spoon, as a warm body is necessary for maximum results. Do not worry about the future when spending time with a winter spoon, and remember--the sex isn't about an orgasm, it's about survival. I call it WINTERcourse.

riggssm

I was a winter boyfriend for 4 months, once. An early warm spring rendered me useless.

At least I got to be big spoon, though!

Choire

omg dying. WINTERCOURSE.

Abe Sauer

VERY IMPORTANT RE: PROPER FEEDING!

snack_attack

If you feed us after midnight we turn into real-live boyfriends. So make sure we don't chew through the alarm clock cord and trick you. Also: We hate sunlight, and PLEASE don't get us wet.

winchesterwolcott

I think I did this, because I totally married my winter boyfriend.

alison

The small ones are great stocking stuffers, if you're still doing Christmas shopping for that fabulous friend who has everything (but a boyfriend, natch!).

wb
wb

I thought winter boyfriends only ate fish heads?

EleanorRigby

Instead of a winter boyfriend, just get seasonal Japanese body pillows. Not only do they not require food, water or flannel shirts, they are James Franco approved.

itskristina

The delusional international student-reporters at my canadian university kept trying to make this a thing every year. The better advice would have been to invest in some good socks and sweaters like the rest of us who grew up in a place with 6 months of winter.

dave bry

Can you just winterize your regular boyfriend? Or is it necessary to get a whole new one for the season?

I loved this.

steponitvelma

I hope you can because I already bought chains for my summer boyfriend. sure he's from last summer, but I'm much to poor to trade up to a new model every year.

pearlforrester

Wait a second. I wasn't aware that "spend(ing) the entire season calling in sick, wearing her Wonder Boys terry cloth robe, ordering Malaysian take-out, and watching Arrested Development DVDs" was an option.

Who needs a winter boyfriend?

winchesterwolcott

Don't you think Maura Kelly is like, what the fuck with this Edith bitch? Why is she tormenting me!?!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Or do you think she runs a separate blog, apart from Marie Claire, on which she only posts Edith commentary?

atipofthehat

I think she's all like: "I can't take much MAURA this!"

sox
sox

Did you see the comment thread on Maura's post? Edith's words are nothing compared to the scathing bitchery over there.

winchesterwolcott

Maybe I'll go for a visit.

Tess Lynch

Protect your sweaters and shoes, Winter Boyfriends chew when they're bored.

Molly Lambert

in the spring, they return to the ocean

justanotherredhead

I like to collect my winter boyfriend before the first frost and make him watch episodes of Northern Exposure on re-run while running my footbath

carolita

Your commentary is MUCH better than the article referred to, so I came back and re-read it again and again till I forgot the original article AND the concept of the winter-girlfriend. Winter girlfriend? What's that? I don't know! But re-read Edith's commentary above. Ah. What's a winter girlfriend? Who cares? Re-read.

February Revolution

Early November is not too early to start looking for your new winter boyfriend! If you planned ahead and stored last year's model in a tiny box in your attic, use the weeks before Thanksgiving to air him out and repair any damage caused by moths or attic-rodents.

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