The Hairpin Scores First Interview With the Arsenic Aliens

HP: OMG tell me about yourself!

AA: Welllllll, I've been living in Mono Lake forever basically.

HP: Wait like literally forever?

AA: Hahaha, ummm.

HP: [Screaming]

AA: Hahahaha, LOLOLOL.

HP: You were joking?

AA: No, I was for real. We have actually been alive forever.

HP: Um, let me wrap my head around that. Brb in an eternity!

AA: Don't even worry about it.

HP: Anyway, I guess I'll just move on to my next question. How would you describe yourself, physically?

AA: Well, we're like … this sort of fizzy pool.

HP: Are you purple? I feel like you should be purple.

AA: We ARE purple!

HP: Ahh, I knew it! I love purple. It's like girly but not overly girly. Have you ever read or seen Arsenic & Old Lace?

AA: Nope!

HP: It's about old ladies who kill people with … arsenic. Have you ever killed anyone?

AA: Haha, next question please!

HP: LOL.

AA: Next question, though.

HP: Hahahaha [frantic laughter]. OK, let's see. What planet are you from?

[AA rolls its eyes, like, "are you serious"]

HP: Sorry! Hahaha [inward scream] I guess I just had to ask! Anyway, did I leave anything out?

AA: Are you going to ask me about Justin Bieber?

HP: I wasn't but, I guess? What do you think of Justin Bieber?

[AA shakes its head, like "what ACTUALLY is wrong with you"]

AA: [Icily] I was joking.

HP: LOL, I wasn't expecting you to be so funny, I guess!!!!!!!!!!

AA: There's an awful lot you don't know, I guess.

HP: Oh, totally, I'm incredibly stupid, I'm no threat to anyone, I'm like literally brain dead. Anyway, I'm going to head back to the offfiiiiiiice!!!!!

AA: Don't you want to touch me real quick?

HP: Noooo thank you, but seriously thank you so much, this was amazing, yay! By-eee!!

Disclaimer: There are no actual facts here, obviously.