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The Hairpin Scores First Interview With the Arsenic Aliens
HP: OMG tell me about yourself!
AA: Welllllll, I’ve been living in Mono Lake forever basically.
HP: Wait like literally forever?
AA: Hahaha, ummm.
AA: Hahahaha, LOLOLOL.
HP: You were joking?
AA: No, I was for real. We have actually been alive forever.
HP: Um, let me wrap my head around that. Brb in an eternity!
AA: Don’t even worry about it.
HP: Anyway, I guess I’ll just move on to my next question. How would you describe yourself, physically?
AA: Well, we’re like … this sort of fizzy pool.
HP: Are you purple? I feel like you should be purple.
AA: We ARE purple!
HP: Ahh, I knew it! I love purple. It’s like girly but not overly girly. Have you ever read or seen Arsenic & Old Lace?
HP: It’s about old ladies who kill people with … arsenic. Have you ever killed anyone?
AA: Haha, next question please!
AA: Next question, though.
HP: Hahahaha [frantic laughter]. OK, let’s see. What planet are you from?
[AA rolls its eyes, like, “are you serious”]
HP: Sorry! Hahaha [inward scream] I guess I just had to ask! Anyway, did I leave anything out?
AA: Are you going to ask me about Justin Bieber?
HP: I wasn’t but, I guess? What do you think of Justin Bieber?
[AA shakes its head, like “what ACTUALLY is wrong with you”]
AA: [Icily] I was joking.
HP: LOL, I wasn’t expecting you to be so funny, I guess!!!!!!!!!!
AA: There’s an awful lot you don’t know, I guess.
HP: Oh, totally, I’m incredibly stupid, I’m no threat to anyone, I’m like literally brain dead. Anyway, I’m going to head back to the offfiiiiiiice!!!!!
AA: Don’t you want to touch me real quick?
HP: Noooo thank you, but seriously thank you so much, this was amazing, yay! By-eee!!
Disclaimer: There are no actual facts here, obviously.