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Monday, December 20, 2010

20

Ten Questions Yesterday's Homewreck-y Vows Column Raises But Doesn't Answer

1. When they were talking about being the featured wedding in the New York Times' Vows section, did this couple think it would read as a messy but wonderful modern-times love story? Are they now thinking, "[New York Times writer] Devan Sipher, you totally fucked us"?

2. Isn't "He bounds into a room. He doesn’t walk in, he explodes in" a funny compliment? "Heyyyy guys! Nice to s—" pffffftttttt. Blood all over the walls.

3. Did the exes read it? Are they friends at all? Spite-friends?

4. Is this the most crushing part? “[What's] hard for people to believe is we didn’t have an affair. I didn’t want to sneak around and sleep with him on the side. I wanted to get up in the morning and read the paper with him.”

5. Or is it this, in regards to his ex-wife? "I didn’t believe in the word soulmate before, but now I do,” said the groom. (Well, there is no such thing as a soulmate.)

6. Or is it this?

"I did a terrible thing as honorably as I could,” said Mr. Partilla, who moved out of his home, reluctantly leaving his three children. But he returned only days later. Then he boomeranged back and forth for six months.

Also, when do kids start Googling?

7.

The groom's "10-year-old daughter answered [the phone]. “We’re in the middle of a wedding,” she informed the caller, while her younger two siblings and two soon-to-be step-siblings spun off like small planets freed from the pull of gravity.

What does that mean? Planets?

8. Have the bride and groom visited the comments section? Also, is there a more succinct summation than this? "How sad. I do not know this couple, and I'm sure that they are excited about their love for each other and their future together. But in this case, where others were so hurt, perhaps a New York Times feature was not the most graceful choice."

9. Why is life so complicated?

10. Why can't everything just be perfect for everyone, instantly and eternally?

11. Also, which one of them is drinking the Corona in this picture?

20 Comments / Post A Comment

zidaane

From experience you are missing the most egregious part. These kids where/are CLASSMATES. Not awkward at all.

Edith Zimmerman

Ohhh, truth! But I mean, they're all step-siblings now, so it's ... something?

zidaane

Could you bring this article in and give it to all your teachers so they are up to speed on the changes. Thanks.

carpetblogger

I read this, torn between "hey, a not-boring NYT wedding" and horror. Horror won.

Bonnie Downing

One of my friends married a (wonderful) guy she met when he was married. They too did the hurtful thing in the best way, etc. And no kids, bad marriage etc. Everything worked out fine for everyone, really!

BUT at their lovely wedding, the lady pastor who performed the ceremony gave an unexpected little talk about them and the nature of love. It was like a roller coaster ride of dread and relief:

"When S first saw J he wondered how he would ever get the nerve to talk to someone so beautiful..."
(Okay...)

"And she wondered how such a handsome man could be so shy."
(sure.)

"Finally one day they went walking in the park. And they sat in the sunshine and S said 'I must tell you something.."
(uh oh.)

"Because everyone, sometimes love is not simple, and..."
(Wait. She isn't going to...?)

"Sometimes there are reasons that people can't be together...complications..."
(Oh god. Please don't.)

"And as they sat in the beautiful park surrounded by laughter they spoke of these complications..."
(Should we tackle her to the ground?)

"A year later, circumstances had changed and J and S started their lives together."
(phew.)

zidaane

11. Also, which one of them is drinking the Corona in this picture?

I believe the owner of the Corona is also the reigning O'Connell's Pub arm wrestling champion.

chaircrusher

This so reminds me of Woody Allen movies, where people you initially feel some sympathy for do things that feel horrible, and they seem to want for being honest about it.

Or for that matter, it reminds me of Woody Allen's life.

Kate

Hey, c'mon everybody!!! They get each other's jokes and finish each other's sentences!! That is the number one most beautiful justification for homewreckery.

Laura Grasso

I'm pretty sure I held by breath the entire time I was reading this. And not in the Eeeeeeee How Romantic!!! kinda way.

DoctorDisaster

There's a reason we have the saying "honest as a boomerang." It's because boomerangs may fly away, but they always fly right back. You know, in exactly the way this guy didn't. If you made a boomerang that went forth, then back, then forth, then back a little, then forth again because the hotter, younger lady boomerang got all its jokes and finished its sentences, and honestly the kids will probably adjust eventually, right? then you would probably call that a yo-yo or a seesaw or possibly a paddleball. What you wouldn't call it is a boomerang, or "honest."

My point is SLIGHTLY UNDERMINED by the fact that we don't really have the saying "honest as a boomerang." BUT WE COULD IF WE WANTED TO.

Daniel Roberts

The Corona question is hands down the most pressing and crucial. Knowing this couple and their behavior, the owner of the beer could be that ten-year-old, off-camera because she's answering the phone for them again.

melis

I love the idea that the 'not sleeping together' part was what made it honorable. 'Honey, I'm leaving you and the kids for someone that you considered a friend! I love them more than I'll ever love you and we're going to read the paper together every morning because we're SOULMATES. But don't worry, I haven't slept with him/her yet. I'm going to, though. LOTS.'

George K.

12. i looked up this bar on yelp and this place sounds really nice, has a drink called "bitch face", has trivia night and all sorts of funny things happen there like people almost get hit with darts,, but this one is my fav: "One guy brought in two mutts and they had a run of the place. Guys were picking up the dogs and kissing their bellies and it was all very odd. These were pit bulls, mind you."

13. i think there is such a thing as a"soulmates" but they are very hard to find. kind of like love at the first sight, rarely happens but i believe it does.

14. these two sound like proper jerks and will probably be divorced soon. however, kids will be allright because parents seem to be loaded with cash and have good jobs.

oldirtybassist

14. Because that never led to messed up kids

13. Wait, really? Is that like a religious thing?

brilliantmistake

I am also enjoying the disparity between the "highlights" and "reader's recommendations" of the comments. Someone had the presence of mind to shut the comments down before things got out of hand.

Anyone else find it weird that you can comment on wedding announcements to begin with?

Edith Zimmerman

VERY.

DoctorDisaster

Now that I have been led to this Maury Povich tumblr I have all SORTS of animated gifs to put in the comments of wedding announcements.

mytie

The main photo is truly horrid; with Kathie Lee and Bill O'Reilly crashing about, one little girl looking quite sad, and two disgruntled relatives staring from the background.

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