Katie Walsh and Mary Miller ask themselves the most important question of our time.
KW: Why have men started shaving their crotches bald? It's disgusting. Is it porn? I blame porn. Extreme manscaping is a scourge that needs to be stopped. Even the word "manscaping" chips away a little at my soul every time I say it. Bring back the bears, please!
MM: Nooo, they must tame that business from time to time! It freaks me out when dudes have one of those too-pillowy mounds. Plus, it's important to start over and grow a fresh batch from time to time, like mowing the lawn. That's a lot of pheromones, sweat, and pee smell to absorb for your entire life! Can you imagine if we had the same hair down there for our whole lives? Ew.
KW: But pheromones are important! They work their way out of the pants and into the breathing spaces of ladies to make us identify our true sex mates. I think soap, even a light shampooing, can take care of any ball sweat and pee residuals. More important than hygienic issues, though (which we may always disagree on because a lot of people just always disagree on things like this), is the psychology behind it. I mean, when a man drops trou to reveal a bald crotch, was he expecting to get naked with us or another human being? It's true, everyone speculates on the possibility of sex, but don't give it away, man! And who told you we wanted to see that crease between your thigh and crotch? Please cover that up with a nice nest of hair!
MM: I can detect pheromones better on fresh skin than on a shampoo-smelling pubic mound! When it's full-grown, it looks and feels like a brillo pad, and you find hairs all over the place. Besides, when they remove some of that bulk, it makes their parts look bigger and function more.... uh....boldly?
KW: "It looks bigger" is a good argument, and I would say most men would say that's their reasoning behind such aggressive grooming tactics. Here's what I say to that: pube elimination will not make it FEEL bigger! As for boldly functioning... maybe feeling more streamlined and aerodynamic can add a jolt of excitement, but the fact of the matter is that we should all be able to work our parts regardless of grooming habits (you know, in the event of being lost in the woods with no razors).
MM: So in terms of the size argument, we must ask ourselves this important question — which is more important to us? The pushing of the bush sensation or the depth of penetration? (AAAHHH!) This will determine your side in this debate.
As for being lost in the woods with no razors, I did hear a story once about a person who got a pubic hair caught in their throat (or was that in a movie?) and a doctor had to remove it with tweezers and another person who got one AS A SPLINTER. So if you're going camping with your man you should bring at least tweezers, for safety. Although when they're full grown bear men, they drop pubic hairs all over the place. So at least you could probably look for them to find the path back to your car.
KW: So what you're saying is sucking ungroomed dick in the woods can be TREACHEROUS?!? Oh god, electric razors for all! No, no, I will not go back on my firm anti-grooming stance. I will take that risk. I will need the trail of pubic hairs anyway. I will follow the scent of pheromones and natural musk to find my rugged bear man. As for the size thing, I think pubic hair has a negligible effect on the depth of penetration. It's not like the pube forest is preventing his dick from going any further in. It's just offering a nice, soft landing pillow.
MM: HAHAHHA, yes, that is what I am saying, so do it at your own risk!! Probably best to keep those pubes as far away from life-giving parts like your throat when there's no way to save yourself if something goes wrong. Love in the woods has many perils.
I hear what you're saying about the negligibility of the depth that shaving creates, but still, there's a DIFFERENCE. What if the guy is small? The thing is, the guys who DO feel the need to groom in order to increase their size (length?) are the ones who need every BIT of that negligible depth! Plus, the precious, proud looks on their faces when they drop their pants!
KW: I guess I can't argue with a confidence booster such as that except to say it looks REPULSIVE. But I'm a girl who could happily fritter away an afternoon combing and caring for Alec Baldwin's pelt. I guess I just want to say, relax dudes. Us girls have been through this process. I know it seems like everyone is doing it, and it feels like you're going to reveal just what an uncouth, untrendy person you are with that bush. But the end result may wind up looking like you're trying too hard (kiss of death!). Let your freak pheromones fly! And remember, ball shaving is a perilous endeavor. And ingrown hairs are a bitch.
MM: In conclusion, I think that full ball shaving/bush shaving shaving is permissible maybe once a year for fun, and otherwise if you're blessed with a giant bush, guys, please don't be in denial. I'd like you to tame it. Don't shave it, tame it. TRIM it. Maybe comb it once in a while to discourage shedding. And if we are forced to choose one style or the other, just leave it hairy. We get scared when you've removed all your body hair. If we wanted that look we'd Tweet Pauly D!! (Love you Pauly!!!) And a related note, please never, ever, ever shave your chest. That's the creepiest and it feels EEEEEK!
KW: I can wholeheartedly cosign this. Especially the Pauly D part (YOU ARE SO CUTE WHY DO I THINK YOU ARE CUTE).