Thursday, December 9, 2010


Outdated Beauty Advice: How to Never Move Your Face

Holidays are an intense time. You may even fall prey to experiencing feelings. But when you feel, your face tends to move, and if you keep moving your face, you will get wrinkles. And then, the holidays will win. Don’t let the holidays win!

Jessica Krane was inarguably MISTRESS OF HER FACE. She was also the author of classics such as Face-O-Metrics (1971), and How to Use Your Hands to Save Your Face (1976), and a self-proclaimed “Youth Counselor.” No, not the kind who counsels troubled youth.

Just look into Jessica’s incredibly beautiful, cold, dead eyes. Intimidated? Exactly. When people are spooked by you, they'll stop making you try to feel things. Oh, they'll test you. Don't you care, Jessica? they'll whine. I thought you were my friend!

I think you'll find, like Jessica and I have, that elaborate eye makeup is just as valuable as empathy. Why should you let her problems age your face? You don't have time for this anyway. You have an important, legitimate business meeting.

WHAT OF IT? Oh, your husband can ask all the questions he wants when you get home — you’re unmoved by his small-minded accusations. See how his face contorts when he yells? Does he really think someone as young and unwrinkled as you is going to stay married to a man who lets his emotions win? Maybe it was you he happened to see under that clock with his boss, maybe it wasn't. Your face reveals nothing. It was for him, what you did, for him. Damnit, his tantrums bore you. You remain unmoved. You look absolutely serene. YOUNG. Though inside you're so furious you could just kick something!

Previously: Cures for "Delayed Menstruation."

Sinister beauty expert Bonnie Downing collected tips like these in her first book, Peculiar Beauty: Three Centuries of Charmingly Absurd Advice. Now she's writing a book about animals and needs a new agent. You can find her at peculiarbeauty.com and in Brooklyn.

23 Comments / Post A Comment


Would this woman have been put out of a career by Botox? Or with Botox, does your face just stop using you?

Also: Smizing, does it cause wrinkles? Please debate.


This article is like being told you can't lick your elbow. As soon as I read it , I wanted to try.

Bonnie Downing

Want me to come over there and try to upset you? As a test? Maybe I could go meet your husband under a clock? At an intersection? Is that upsetting?


Bonnie, quit trying to be mistress of others' faces.


Nah. But I would get pretty angry if you took my argyle socks.


Apropos to nothing, I can actually do that. Lick my elbow, I mean.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

I eagerly await the next installment on "How to Walk without Moving Your Legs."



She also wears enough makeup for four people and she is approximately 25, so.

Bonnie Downing

And you're certain it's not just that she really just doesn't give a good goddamn about your recent financial crisis?
(but seriously? she tries not to move her face to stay young?)


Seriously, I'd never have known it because her faces actually moves quite a lot. But she catches herself mid expression and verbally reprimands herself. So I guess it also makes you crazypants.


Best beauty secret ever:


Keeps you from frowning as you sleep and having nightmares about being evicted or getting cancer without health insurance.

Bonnie Downing

Yes! Also popular, literally freezing your face in a sink full of ice cubes, several times a day, for your whole life. Like in Mommie Dearest.


Uh, am I CRAZY? Why does Jessica Krane look just like Edith Zimmerman? OK, EZ is better looking, but STILL!!!!

Edith Zimmerman

Hahaha. Charrrrlieee I WISH.

*printing comment out, folding it into my wallet's 'treasured-keepsake' pocket*


I just realized that I have your book! Which got passed around a lot when I lived with 10 other women in college, and loved, so thanks!

Bonnie Downing

I assume this comment is addressed to Jessica. But if you mean my book, then xoxoxo


Sorry I didn't get back to this for four days but yes Bonnie, your book!


I seem to be in the minority lately, but I just don't get how having lines on the face is worse than that weird too-tight-in-places, pulled-face that has almost become the norm for women. I hate that women aren't "better" about his.



Am I the only one that's been doing some serious scrolling up and down to spot the differences between each photo to check that she didn't just use the same one? Cos I'm finding it really hard to tell for certain.


I'm thinking maybe you are having difficulties becoming the mistress of your face? (you are not alone).(you are probably right, and I am dying to know what she looks like now).

Bonnie Downing

See also: hand-drawn erotic photo hunt.


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Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I quite enjoyed reading it, you’re a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will often come back in the foreseeable future. I want to encourage you to continue your great work, have a nice morning! hay day triche

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