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Monday, December 6, 2010

23

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

Get Fit Your Way!

I love the “Lose 8 Pounds at Home” feature [September, page 64]. I can’t afford a gym with fun, fresh classes, but I get really bored at home and don’t always know how to give myself an effective workout. Your plan keeps me focused the entire time I’m exercising. Best of all, I can do it at home for free!

Jessica, North Royalton, OH (Self, November 2010)

Sometimes I think about how perfect my life would be if I were eight pounds lighter. First of all, I would be beautiful, and so then I would get married. And then once I was married, my husband and I would do amazing things like go on vacations together, and then on the vacations children might swarm our car because they’d never seen anyone like me, and then the guards would be like, “Get away, kids, you can’t touch them,” but softly I’d be like, “No, it’s all right, let them,” and I’d reach out the window and hold the children’s hands. Everyone would think, “She’s not just beautiful on the outside, she’s also beautiful in her heart.”

Lindsey P., Cape Elizabeth, ME



Safer Sex

I felt fear and anger while reading the “Sex Addiction: Real, or Really Lame Excuse?” snippet in the September issue [“Become a (Safe) Sex Goddess,” page 115]. This disease causes men and women to compulsively seek out sex and love in very destructive and addictive ways. Me? I couldn’t stop stalking somebody even though I felt tremendous shame about it and wanted to stop. I was like an alcoholic, but my cell phone was my drug. After years of work on myself, I now enjoy a loving relationship. I’m no medical expert. All I have is my own life to go by. Many addicts are suicidal until we find help. I will go on record as someone living happily and healthily, now that I’ve admitted I have a problem. Thank you for your commitment to women’s health.

Kara, NYC (Self, November 2010)

I’m a sex addict for this guy I know named Doug. The main way I’m sex-addicted to him is that I send him letters and presents, and also when I walk by his house I memorize his windows so I’ll have something to say if I ever see him — “did you move your plant?” etc. I also sew his name and address into my shirts and leave them on the street in case anyone finds them and wants to return them to their “owner.” And then I imagine that once the shirts find their way inside his house, they come to life like in Fantasia and hold him in the tightest, most secure hug ever. And then the shirts would just creep up in their hug until they were hugging his face, just feeling his skin so tightly, so closely, just absorbing his hot breath until he RELAXES. Just relaxes completely and lets me lay him down and drape myself — I’m also sort of inside the shirts, spiritually — just lets me drape myself over him, forever. Or, anyway, that’s how I USED to be sex-addicted. I’m all better now.

Melena P., Providence, RI



Guns for Girls

Guns are dangerous and should definitely be taken seriously, but I am proud to own a gun. Guns are empowering to women, but I agree 100 percent with Paxton Quigley when she says not to buy one if you don’t think you would shoot it.

Delilah M., Paoli, IN (Marie Claire, December 2010)

Anyone wanna come over? We can just do whatever — sit around, drink some wine, watch TV — and then if either of our mouths gets too hot, we can cool it down with the barrel of my gun. It's just naturally cold! And if you like to party, we can do GunShots, which are this thing I invented where I pour a shot of vodka in the gun and then pour it back into my mouth — or yours, if you’re there. And GunShots are more fun with two people, anyway, because you can pour the vodka from farther away. (Although I AM trying to come up with a machine that’ll move the gun so I can do longer-distance GunShots when I’m alone. Like, something that would tilt the gun slowly so I’d have time to go lie on the floor underneath it before the vodka started coming out.)

Jill C., Seattle



Life Lessons

“5 Things I Wish I Knew … Then” was a real eye-opener. No matter how busy or stressful my life is, now I’ll think twice before cracking open that bag of chips so I don’t regret it later in life. Thanks for this article and for a fantastic magazine in general.

Sarah K, Ohio (Shape, November 2010)

Is it the crinkling that bothers you? Because what you can do is pour the chips into a cloth bag, and then it’s like "finally, some peace!" And if you want to get creative with the bag, you can sew a little monogram on the front. Like, "Ruth's," or whatever your own personal name is. "Ann," "Kate," whatever. "Joan." Or, if you're a guy, "Mark." Whatever it happens to be. "Louis." It could be anything. "Elizabeth." "Liz," if you use a nickname.

Ruth K., Detroit



Grounds for Chilling

Nothing else is as relaxing as sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee and reading your 600-page September issue.

Anastasia D., via instyle.com (InStyle, December 2010)

Sometimes when I feel sad I press my fingers into my throat until I fall asleep. I think of it as like a real-life fast-forward button.

Kelsey P., Ontario



In Good Company

I’ve been a very busy single girl lately, working full-time and going to birthday parties, weddings, baby showers, and on the occasional date. Last Saturday, though, I decided to cook myself dinner and read your October issue cover to cover. It was the best night ever! InStyle gave me makeup and style tips I could really use and reminded me that sometimes it’s OK to take time for yourself.

Susan S., Los Angeles (InStyle, December 2010)

I don’t have anything to say, but I just wanted you to know that I’m smiling at you. You’re like, “That’s a big smile,” but I’m like, “I can make it bigger!” and I can — I can! — but you’ve turned away, so I go and stand right in front of you, showing you my smile. And if you close your eyes, I'll verrrry gently pull them open. I need you to see me! To see what kind of smiles I’m capable of.

Megan T., Bloomington, IN

Previously: R.I.P. Diane.



23 Comments / Post A Comment

Liz Colville

zut alors!!!!!!! best yet!!!!

jetztinberlin

Every time I think they cannot get better, and every time I am wrong!

ian
ian

I was totally gonna say the same thing. SO GOOD.

"real-life fast-forward button."

PBandJ

So wonderful. The Hairpin, today, so wonderful. Merci.

atipofthehat

Don't forget these classics:

http://www.theawl.com/2010/08/letters-to-the-editors-of-womens-magazines-2
http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/letters-to-the-editors-of-womens-magazines
http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/letters-to-the-editors-of-womens-magazines-with-edith-zimmerman-4
http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/letters-to-the-editors-of-womens-magazines-with-edith-zimmerman-3
http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/letters-to-the-editors-of-womens-magazines-with-edith-zimmerman-2
http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/letters-to-the-editors-of-womens-magazines-with-edith-zimmerman
http://www.theawl.com/2009/09/letters-to-the-editor-of-women%E2%80%99s-magazines-with-edith-zimmerman

I am having these bound in fine morocco leather stamped and tooled with interlocking hairpins in real gold leaf.

MoonBat

Please please please do one of these every Monday, Edith!!!

cherrispryte

Oh lordy. I know someone who would actually do a GunShot, if the idea occured to him. As he is not so good on the internet nor aware of ladysites, I think everything is okay for the moment? I just need to forget about this immediately and never, ever mention it to him.

sorry your heinous

GunShot! Didn't Paddy's Pub try that on Always Sunny? I vaguely remember a shotgun being involved!

deepomega

Yes! And super trashy models/prostitutes.

shapoopy

no, but actually. I now know how to fall asleep at night

Rachel Rowland

This reminds me of when I was 12 and used to write ridiculous letters like these with my friends and send them in to see if they would actually get published. I wouldn't be surprised if half of these were written by individuals under the age of 15.

deepomega

"Sex addict" just means you would be willing to do anything, including boning, to get a dude or lady to pay attention to you. Right?

DoctorDisaster

It's just like my video game addiction. Sometimes I will go to the video game store just to look at video games and think about how much I would like to buy them. Then I read video game reviews and talk to my friends about video games. Sometimes I have dreams where I am the star in a video game — it's me. I read some books based on video games even though they were terrible. My video game addiction got so bad that at one point I almost bought a video game, but the quick-witted store employees realized what was about to happen and kicked me out, inventing a cover story about how I was "creepy and freaking out the other customers." (Thanks, guys, you intervened just in time!)

Tulletilsynet

I want to tell Melena P that recovery is a process, not an event, but I don't want to go to Providence, RI.

barnhouse

There are so many things I must write in to you about. I need answers!

jenna

hahahhahahahahahhaha

Gabe Liedman

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay jesus christ

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