Thursday, December 9, 2010


Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie vs. Chelsea Handler Death Match

Jennifer Aniston's on the cover of the esteemed Star magazine this week, above the headline "I Can't Stop Loving Brad," thanks, apparently, to her buddy Chelsea Handler's anti-Angelina Jolie "comedy" rant (which included such punchlines as "You're a homewrecker [and] ... a fucking cunt").

In her own defense, Chelsea says, "I've been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother. If I've learned nothing from this, it's to write some new jokes." Orrrr possibly revisit the definition of "joke," but sure.

I envision Chelsea as a barnacle, or one of those parasite fish who hang onto sharks' mouths. Just clinging on and sucking the garbage out of their teeth, hoping people might notice what an effective garbage-sucker she is. "Mmm, rotted flesh is where it's at."

Sorry, for a second there I genuinely thought I had a more-eloquent way to say Chelsea Handler's a total drag, but I definitely don't! I guess I just can't stop loving Brad. Do celebrities make you crazy? I mean, the weight of just understanding them is too much to bear sometimes.

11 Comments / Post A Comment


I really do hate her so very much.


As I am secretly Jennifer Anniston, I do not think this piece is funny. Chelsea is my friend and does not sit on my teeth, hardly ever, not at all. Besides, I AM SO TOTALLY OVER YOU BRAD!!!!!!!!

Bonnie Downing

"since she made out with her brother."


Yeah definitely an unfortunate thing.


Star magazine's Jennifer Aniston headline "I Can't Stop Loving Brad" is almost -- but not quite -- Lichtenstein inspired pop art


Did the name BRAD acquire it's BRAD-NESS before Brad Pitt or after? Do you see what I'm saying? Just curious.

krugmanic depressive

Before. Check out Lichtenstein's "Drowning Girl" 1963 (as Ron notes above)


I just have so much to SAY about this! 1) Chelsea blowwwwwzzzz. Really for real. Just boring angry mean-girl humor. And why does no one ever mention how totally inappropriate it is that she has a Mexican small person as a slave/whatever she uses him for? WHY IS THIS OK?? 2) Jen Aniston, by association, then blowwzzz. 3) My mom thinks Angelina is going to convert to Evangelical Christianity someday. Those are my 3 big things I have to say about this.


I would like to see an Aniston/Jolie "act off," since I consider them both to be equally terrible.


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