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I Like Fat Chicks. Questions?

I admit, “I Like Fat Chicks. Questions?” is kind of a misleading title. I’m about as well-equipped to tell you why I like fat chicks as you are to expound on why you love breathing. I could feed you some of that cushion/pushin’ line — it does feel quite nice — but that’s shortchanging the aesthetics. I dig not just the feel but the look, of all those curves you love to hate: double chins, upper arms that dimple, belly rolls and plenty (plenty!) of T&A.

I’ve known since I was 12 or 13 and I’ve done the psychological spelunking (thank fuck my mom is nowhere near fat), not to mention the sociological bull sessions. Am I part of the first generation to inherently reject Calvin Klein heroin-chic and go on to become completely desensitized to the nearly-naked thin bodies that any kid can discover on 1 out of 3 magazine covers? Am I just a better person than you? Don’t be silly. The point is I exist regardless of rationale and I’m not alone. In fact, I’m very not alone. With that crazy old “obesity epidemic” sweeping the nation like Beatlemania these days, do you really think more than 60% of the population ain’t getting laid? And for that matter, you think everyone hooking up with that 60% is ashamed or keeping it on the DL? Well…that one’s for another column. But let’s just say you’d be surprised.

You might have noticed that 60% is a majority. (Fact-checkers: I don’t actually know the up-to-date percent of “overweight”/”obese” Americans; just because it’s my physical preference doesn’t mean I’m prepared to argue the scientific stats! But you know as well as me it’s a lot!) Some of my gay friends understandably cringe when I compare the plight of fat people to the plight of gay people, and they’re not wrong. There has never been a hatred like fat hatred before. As far as I know, there has never been a majority that is treated (and in some cases, allows themselves to be treated) like a minority. In fact, so many people are unaware that Fat People Have Normal Sex Lives that I still get questions from the occasional friend-of-a-friend like “Doesn’t it offend your girlfriend that you call her fat?” (It doesn’t, though it might if she wasn’t 300+ lbs.).

So I’m not here to tell you how special I am and or how shallow you are (oh, am I ever). I’m here to assure you how normal this is — some of us probably even read Marie Claire, sadly — with (what else!) questions and answers.

Is it a preference or a fetish?
Big common question. If it was a fetish, I wouldn’t be telling you about it! OK — so that might explain why so many fat admirers (let’s call them FAs, the term the internet uses even though it’s lame) are in the closet. A fetish is generally shared on a need-to-know basis, namely between you and your partner, and many FAs, particularly ones with opinionated friends and parents, tend to keep their relationships with fat girls just that. But I call it a preference. My life doesn’t revolve around my preference for fat girls, but in a way it does. My guy friends talk about girls. I’d rather make it momentarily uncomfortable for them by putting my uh, information out there than make it incredibly uncomfortable for myself by enduring suspicion about why I dated x and y and did I notice they’re fat — I don’t know how many times I could handle going “uh, she’s funny.”

Should I tell my parents I like fat chicks?
You don’t have to tell them shit, though if you can’t bring your girlfriend home for the holidays you don’t deserve a girlfriend. That said, it helps. I know others who’ve had worse experiences “coming out” about it than me, but it’s a great relief for me to have gotten any questions/awkwardness over with when I told my dad at 18. I think he was talking about Nigella Lawson being a “pig” or something. I said, ‘Dad…I like big girls.’ And he said ‘So? I like thin girls.’ That was that. My mom figured out eventually. But then I also know (unwise gay comparison coming up in 3, 2…) dudes who’ve actually been kicked out of the house over dating a fat girl. And it’s not even illegal! (Yet.)

Tell your parents whatever you need them to know so that you (this is important) and your partner can be equally happy.

Ew! How do you have sex? Is it even possible??
What floors me about this question is that, so many people who ask it have in fact had sex with a fat (or at least chubby) person! And then I’m the one with the question: how do you manage to ignore so much of someone’s body while having sex with them?

Usually, I have sex the same way you do, only squishier. Is it true there are some people so big that general intercourse is problematic? Of course; it’s also true that some height differences prevent couples from 69’ing. Pointing out that it’s “easier” with thin partners is moot if I’m not into thin partners. If it’s what you want, you make it work.

OMG What about the health risks??!!
We always practice safe sex, thanks for asking!

In 2009, the UK web site Freaky Trigger named Dan Weiss one of the “25 best music critics under 25.” This is his first time writing about fat chicks. A girl who beat him up in 7th grade recently told him he has her “favorite Facebook.”

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