Monday, November 15, 2010


The Worst Makeout Mixtape Ever

Playing music when you hook up with someone is a great, time-honored tradition — it adds background noise, sets a mood, and shows off the cool new CDs/MP3s/records/ cassettes/ringtones/whatever you obtained for just that occasion. But then sometimes things go wrong, hilariously, and a horrible, mood-killing song slithers out of your stereo, because either your playlist wasn’t long enough, or you forgot there was an unfortunately named track on the album you selected, or you just put it on shuffle and also happen to be the kind of person who owns soundtracks to musicals. You know? No? You have perfect music? Welllll, I definitely don’t, and I asked a bunch of friends if this has also happened to them, and turned their best/worst responses into one Worst Makeout Mixtape Ever: 15 tracks and 55 minutes of music that’s actually played during a real human hookup, which you can stream below. And also download, if you’ve got a Hot Date on the horizon. (Press the downward arrow.) Also, if you do actually play this during a makeout, you guys are wonderful and please tell me how it goes.

Anyway, the mix kicks off with The D.O.C.’s “Bridgette” [Is a Dumb Ho], submitted by Hairpin pal Bridget.

Update: The download link no longer works, as the 100 free MP3s have already been downloaded (!!).

And here's the tracklist, in case you don’t have 55 minutes to listen to awkward music. But then you’ll miss the weird sounds I made coming into my house around the 45-minute mark. And then also typing audibly at the 50-minute mark. And then pretty much constantly typing from 52:00 onward? Oof. Oh, and the whole thing's a little quieter than it should be, because I didn't have the volume loud enough. A masterpiece from start to finish, basically.

1. The D.O.C. – “Bridgette”
2. Dezrok – “Star Wars Imperial March Techno Remix”
3. Sarah McLachlan – “In the Arms of an Angel”
4. Uncle Luke – “Do-do Brown”
5. Gin Blossoms – “Hey Jealousy”
6. Bare Naked Ladies – “If I Had a Million Dollars”
7. Staind – “It’s Been Awhile”
8. Les Miserables soundtrack – “On My Own”
9. Color Me Badd – “I Wanna Sex You Up”
10. John Legend – “Ordinary People”
11. Bill Withers – “Use Me”
12. Terry Gross Interviews Stephen Colbert
13. Ludacris – “You’s a Ho”
14. Felix Mendelssohn – “The Wedding March”
15. The Ying Yang Twins – “Wait”

Thanks to Halle Kiefer, Caitlin Roper, Katie Walsh, Lauren Bans, Thyra Heder, Bridget Palardy, Lauren Hinkson, Emma Barker, and Emma Lovewell, who are all pros at making out. And, of course, if you have suggestions for WMM Vol. 2 please leave them in the comments.

Photo by melissahoneybee

82 Comments / Post A Comment


I would like to add "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman" by Carole King as a definite mood killer. whoopsy. Shuffle is not my friend.


This may expose me as An Old, but while making out with college boyfriend, "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Joe Cocker came on the RADIO. Makeout-ender for sure. Thanks, KFOG.


I was having a super-pretentious makeout to the Benjamin Britten arrangements of Rimbaud's Illuminations (ugh I know), but I didn't have time to fix the weird tags (like '0129%#Name') in iTunes so it then segued into the "Messiah organist on crack" clip followed by a marching band recording of the fight song of my old college.

Instant dickdroop.


True story: Disneyland's Main Street Electrical Parade.



Color Me Badd, "I Wanna Sex You Up"
This actually happened. Last week.
JK! In 8th grade.

Carrie Battan

Garage Band track (with spoken-word vocals) I recorded with my freshman year roommate was the worst

Caitlin Podiak

This is TMI, but, since it's so on-topic:

At some point this weekend my BF threw together an "on-the-go" iPod playlist, and his unfortunate, impulsive inclusion of "Whip My Hair" was quite the mood-killer on two different occasions. Sorry, but I cannot be giving head with a 9-year-old child singing in the background.


Since U Been Gone by any a cappella band


one time my ex put on Against Me! before we started to make out. on purpose.

George Kr

whoever picked "You's a Hoe" is a genius. I recommend "In the Bush" link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJ0jjA6HA4k

Edith Zimmerman

Ha, that was me. Sophomore year of college. My "cool" mix.

Kate Erin

"This Jesus Must Die", from the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack (I am Jewish).


Ha! Although I'm not Jewish and I now won't be able to make out for at least a week.


Lady in Red. True story, the guy who played this during our one night stand also asked to do anal "because I've never done it before."

Edith Zimmerman



But with a better song perhaps?

Tyler Coates

Having a guy put on "Your Body is a Wonderland" made me decide immediately to always take control over make-out music. (It didn't stop me from making out with him, though.)


That's grounds for being summarily thrown out, as far as I'm concerned.

Tyler Coates

Well, I was at his house. And it was 2003, so it wasn't totally awful yet (plus I really just wanted to make out).


Fair! I would forgive a lot to make out in '03, too.


The Wedding March into Wait is total genius!

Katie Walsh

I cannot stop silent-desk laughing at the thought of making out to the Techno Star Wars March OR Hey Jealousy or Terry interviews Colbert. I'm going to need some stories, ladies!


"Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" - Meatloaf ... Or anything by Meatloaf.

Jolie Kerr

It happened to me: "We Are the World"

Miles Klee

Suicide, "Frankie Teardrop."



Crossroads by Bone Thugs and Harmony, the intro makes me giggle under normal circumstances, forget about when I'm trying to have sexy time.


My contribution would have to be Radiohead's "We Suck Young Blood." And it was my contribution -- it was my apartment, my mp3 library, and my stupid decision to put the entire thing on random.

Mary Miller

"Kokomo" by the Beach Boys happened to me in college.


Back in my rockin' high school days, "Janie's Got a Gun," and thanks to its then-ubiquitous video you know why this didn't work so well.


"How Fucking Romantic" by the Magnetic Fields. 69 Love Songs: Extremely unreliable makeout music! (I was young and foolish then)

Also, a guy once put on an Amy Winehouse album (not sure which one), which seems like it might be sexy, but it just kind of was not (maybe because it was 2009 at the time).


Think Disintegration would be pretty cool for second-time sex? It's not. In what seemed like seconds he was wrapped vulnerably in a sheet staring into the ether and the relationship was over before it began.

forget it i quit

I see your Les Miserables soundtrack – “On My Own” and raise you Dawson's Creek era Katie Holmes' rendition of the same. I was immediately accused me of having a crush on Katie Holmes, which come on, who didn't?


"Only the Good Die Young" always seems to do a good job setting the mood.

Otherwise, "Mona Lisa" by Slick Rick


I was at a wedding a couple of summers ago and the bride and groom walked down the aisle after they got married to "Only the Good Die Young." Neither had a terminal illness. Still mulling that one over.


Wait. I've successfully made out to Use Me. It can be done.


Bill Wither's original or Grace Jones cover?


I have totally made out to Bill Withers. Funk=sexy


Sometimes you hook up with a friend of a friend who plays a sentimental mix during the act. Then, when you go to a day party on his terrace the next afternoon, you slowly realize (in sheer awkward horror) that you recognize the playlist. Not like that's, um, happened to me or anything.

Jane Minty 

My friends and I have an ongoing list of "songs we could never successfully masturbate to." It was first inspired by one who was near the "finish" one morning when suddenly the radio alarm started playing "Candle in the Wind" (Princess Di version). Another friend claims he can rub one out to anything, and has accepted a challenge to present him with our selections. Among the songs on this list are, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Bigger, Better, Faster, More!" (4 Non Blondes), "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Hip to be Square," "We Built This City," "God Bless the USA," "Crash Into Me" (Dave Matthews), "Linger" (Cranberries, and "Daughters."
Incidentally, any song by the Bare Naked Ladies makes me instantly violent. They are responsible for the greatest variety of the worst songs ever.


Arlo Guthrie - Alice's Restaurant. Good luck rubbing one out while reliving your family Thanksgivings.


But the original "Candle in the Wind" would be perfectly doable.

Jane Minty 

I'd like to hear your thoughts on Tears for Fears...

Random Falls

"Sunset Grill" by Don Henley. It came on the radio, and we both completely lost it.


For some reason I once tried to put on James Taylor's Greatest Hits and the girl vetoed it, saying it was "too parental."

George Kr

here's another good(bad) one (i think)DJ Assault Yo Relatives http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WymA-TPIJac


Sophomore year of college, this guy I hooked up with a few times had this go-to Simon & Garfunkel playlist. As in their entire catalog. It did not work out.


Haha this playlist is awesome...

Off the top of my head - "Move b**** get out the way" - Ludacris "I'll be there for you" by the Rembrandts.


I remember having a very awkward makeout to an Arab Strap album once.


(I listened to In the Arms of an Angel all the way through.)


OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT RADIOLAB WITH THE LADY WHOSE SOUND LOOP BECAME A SONG. "Sometimes behave so strangely. Sometimes behave so strangely. Sometimes behave so strangely."


I once ruined a makeout session because I couldn't stop laughing uncontrollably at the fact that he put on "Is This Love" by Whitesnake in earnest. He broke up with me the next day.
As a side note, I'd really like to make out with someone to a Spandau Ballet song. I know it's not the 80's anymore, but still.

Meredith L.

"Too Close" by Next.

Alex Shapero

"Put it in my mouth" by Akinyele is the most accurate mood killer, i think

Edith Zimmerman

"Put It in My Mouth" came on during an 8th grade dance that this one girl's mom was chaperoning, and she started to cry.


Two words:
1. Rock
2. Lobster

Bonnie Downing

A friend was making out with a new boyfriend when a Noam Chomsky lecture came on the ipod.


Try a lecture given by yourself....It is now un-checkmarked and out of random shuffle.


Ride Around Shinin', by Clipse. Which isn't even that bad, but it made me start giggling and I couldn't stop and then I got the hiccoughs and the guy was not impressed.


Submitted for WMM Vol II, without comment: Lil Wayne, "Pussy Monster." Although at this point you could go just as wrong with Kanye's "Blame Game"!

Charles Bogle

That's no worse than NPR's list of makeout songs. Horrible:


Eric Smith

This desperately needs Tori Amos' "Me and a Gun" in there.


I once had Bach's cello sonatas come on when making out with a thug-like guy I met in a club. I was totally embarrassed, but it turned out he thought it was really beautiful, and texted me later to find out the info so he could download it. Now we sometimes text about classical music.

Edith Zimmerman

Ahh, I love this. People!!!

Jon Custer

Pro tip: Don't start watching Law and Order SVU if there is a possibility that making out will ensue...

gabe liedman

i own the score to 'star trek' from 2009 and yes it definitely played while i hooked up w my boyfriend for the first time.

fits and starts

I registered just so I could make this contribution: BED INTRUDER, by ANTOINE DODSON, that the make-out offender had actually purchased from iTunes.


My boyfriend(-who-would-later-be-my-husband) and I were in the midst of getting it on when the theme to 'Rocky' started playing. We both got the hysterical giggles and knew the sexytimes moment was over and it kind of sealed the relationship deal for me.


Flight of the Conchords - Hiphoppopotamus vs Rhymenoceros, we tried to continue but couldn't stop giggling.


When my ex and I did it for the first time she played a list of songs by Air, which was mood-setting, until those songs ran out and suddenly we were listening to Air Supply. Not exactly the same...


i love listening to music alphabetically

Elizabeth Robichaud@twitter

I'm usually okay with Led Zeppelin during make-out sessions, but the Lemon Song? Nuh-uh.


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