The Cleavage Manifesto: One Man's Thoughts on (Not) Looking at Breasts
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t do anything differently. After all, I did nothing wrong — we were having a perfectly adequate business transaction, and then suddenly something came between me and the young lady working the counter at The Strand. Well, two things actually: her boobs.
What happened was simple: my nametag-reading was misinterpreted as cleavage-gazing. And although no verbal reproach followed, the look she* gave me was judgment incarnate. Case closed. A glare so frosty I could feel it in my teeth. It was also entirely unwarranted. God as my witness, in this instance I was 100% neutral. The Switzerland of Tits. An impartial party, neither ogling nor attempting to flirt. Although I may have momentarily looked at her chest, I wasn’t looking-looking — I was trying to figure out her name!
But I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always so innocent. The compulsion to look at cleavage is a constant struggle,** as the rewards offered by a stolen glimpse of upper-to-mid-boob are far outweighed by the risk of being viewed as a creep. But controlling the urge is a thankless job; in the history of gender relations, I doubt any woman has ever expressed gratitude for the restraint a dude showed in not copping an ocular feel. And that’s fine! We don’t expect to be thanked just for not being jerks. But how about maybe just quietly giving us a smidge of credit? We’re not monsters and we’re not homunculuses*** blindly flailing our sweaty, disgusting eyes toward any partially exposed breast that comes into view. Don’t we deserve the courtesy of not being under constant suspicion?
Although the incident at The Strand was the first time I was falsely busted (puns!), I often notice women preemptively adjusting themselves at the beginning of a conversation. It seems like a precaution designed to achieve maximum opacity of the rack, and it’s also kind of an insult. (Edith: Wait, as someone who has literally never done this, maybe it's kind of a you thing? Exuding a boob-gazey, watch-out-for-your-boobs type vibe even when not boob-gazing? Maybe? Anonymous?) (Anonymous: Oh, if it were only that simple! However, anecdotal evidence from other men-folk suggests we’re dealing with an epidemic here, Edith.) (Edith: Anecdotal evidence! I stand corrected.) I was legitimately caught in high school, however, and it was excruciating. It was like blowing up the bathroom and then having a lady walk in. It was like being tricked by Steve Stifler into blowing up the ladies room, and then having several ladies walk in. I deserved it, though, and I learned a valuable lesson. The last thing I want now is to get mistaken for someone who hasn’t yet learned that lesson! That’s like my nightmare of entering the bathroom during a party, finding it recently blown up by someone else, and then making a swift exit only to realize everyone else on line now thinks it was me, and there’s nothing I can say that won't make me look guiltier. Really, that’s the best way to describe it.
I can’t promise I'll never look at cleavage again. In fact, I can promise I will totally look at it again, many times, for years to come — whether I’m single, married, or blinded from a physical altercation with an unhinged bookseller. When I do look, though, it'll only be for a quick appraisal in keeping with a typical outfit-assessment. In fact, I think this is the crux of the issue — that it's less about whether men happen to glance upon a lady’s mammorial abundance than whether we stare and make her feel uncomfortable. We can all agree that leering is lame, I think, and anyone caught doing so deserves a shame-flogging of the sort I received at The Strand.
As for the rest of us, though, let’s declare a truce. Ladies, you’ve got us pegged — our eyes are naturally drawn to your breasts, and there’s nothing we can do about that. But please give us the benefit of the doubt that we’re really, actually trying to fight it. Instead of assuming we’re a bunch of Peeping Thomases**** constantly scheming about the optimal time and angle to stare at your cleavage, think of us as heroes, bravely running through the flaming house of our own instincts to rescue the burning cargoes that are our dignity and our respect for you.
* Wendy. Her name was Wendy, and considering all the discomfort that finding out this name cost me, I have earned the right to use it.
** We also have to reconcile the fact that we like breasts to the ridiculously obvious oedipal implications of this enjoyment. It really sucks. Do not for one moment think that there is a single one of us who is unaware of these implications.
*** Homonculi?
***** Peeping Thomi?
Anonymous is a guy who is afraid of being fired but wants to tell you his secrets about boobs.
We can be heroes.
Well, that's one way to post a missed connection, I guess.
Adults shouldn't use the word "boobs." It only sounds okay when said by someone who does not have them/has never seen or touched them.
You know? I have been warming up to "boobs", circa 2009 to present. I can't "do" "titties" at all, though. It's like my mouth can't form the word because my tongue refuses to touch the back of my front teeth.
I like "tits" or "breasts," and a friend with really large ones generally refers to her own as "cans" which seems to work.
"Titties" is only appropriate in limited contexts.
I've given this way too much thought, and the day is nowhere near over.
"Titties" is too bizarre and hilarious a word for serious use. Acceptable in certain types of hip hop, but equivalent to Star Wars techno in the bedroom.
I like boobs.
I like ass and titties,
ass and titties,
ass, ass, ass, ass,
ass and titties!
Oh, man, Wendy's google alert for wendy the strand is going to sound the siren!
Um, you know what? Fuck you, Anonymous. Your pathetic struggle to refrain from objectifying women is absolutely repulsive – and the same goes for any other person who does the same. All the Daily Mail article proves (as many of us know already) is that men do stare at T&A, and they even say it's probably not because of some "link to fertility" – and if you're trying to hide behind that as some sort of weak justification, go back to living in caves and hunting live animals with clubs. You know why men stare at tits? Because they can fucking get away with it. Because it is absolutely humiliating to have to say to your boss or whoever, "my face is up here," time and time again.
You don't get a cookie because you're trying not to be a misogynistic, objectifying asshole. You get one when you actually stop being one.
Treat people like they're people, dammit.
This thread is up here.
but some people are really hot, too? I'm honestly not trying to be a jerk; I want to talk about this. I kind of agree with a lot of what "Anonymous" is saying, and I don't think being physically attracted to a woman makes one a misogynist, does it?
Some people are really hot, yes, but their attractiveness doesn't negate their value as a human being, which is what you do when you reduce a person down to their appearance. There are certainly times when recognizing a person's attractiveness is appropriate, but basically – you can't take your tits off and put them in a drawer when you don't want attention because of them. Whether women want to be noticed for their appearance or not, they're pretty much always there.
Being physically attracted to a woman is one thing, letting that attraction dictate your actions – including where your eyes wander to – is different.
So you have never been attracted to anybody at work, cherri?
While it's tempting to plaster up a Privilege Denying Dude saying "Why don't you credit me for all the times I DON'T stare at your tits?", the actual point here, I think, is that not all cleavage-gazing is meant to objectify.
For what it's worth, the "Oh shit, sorry I made you feel skeezed I wasn't ogling I swear!" thing happens somewhat regularly, and you just deal with it. When in doubt, be surreptitious. If failing at surreptitious, suck up the consequences.
i might be stepping into it here, jezebel style, but i think you're being a little harsh, cherri. clearly, doing this conspicuously while interacting in some professional capacity is reprehensible. a dude should be able to control himself, and i will not, for one second, apologize for a meathead assclown.
but… walking down the street? driving in your car? stealing a glance at a restaurant or park? the world is none the wiser and we get a little harmless visual pick-me-up. maybe i'm the meathead but fuck if those little moments don't keep me from losing my shit on a daily basis. but, then again, i never get caught cause i'm more of an ass man.
@stc – there's a difference between being attracted to someone and staring at their body parts.
@iantenna – if you think people can't tell when you're looking at them, you're wrong. Even the guys who think they're suave as hell, it's still pretty obvious. Perhaps you should look within to find ways of not losing your shit?
therapy's expensive.
I just don't get the feeling that "Anonymous" is "reduc[ing people] down to their appearance." outright ogling is both demeaning, yes, and socially unacceptable, but what the author's talking about is different, right? I'm not saying "Anonymous" is a hero, but he doesn't sound like a woman-hating monster either. at least not to me.
The difference between outright oogling and what I assume most people think of as subtle is not as vast as ooglers tend to assume.
Speaking of degrees, just because he is not obviously a woman-hating monster does not mean he's not engaging in misogynistic behavior.
You know you're pretty when you get all indignant about things like this, right?
well, it sounds like we're agreeing that there's some gray area here. I also agree that most of what people think they're doing with subtlety is not.
Nah, Anony is definitely "reduc[ing people] down to their appearance" – note that he will continue boob looking in the context of "a quick appraisal in keeping with a typical outfit-assessment." And it does feel kind of oogly when you're being assessed.
Oh, come on. Looking at other people is fun. I mean, don't ever do it at work, or to people who are working. And try to make it easier on your colleagues by not wearing wifebeaters with red lace bras (or tight little slacks, if you're a dude.) But snuck glances are cool in your off time, IF no fixed staring is involved and NO relatives are around.
Also, since nobody's said it yet, I'll wade in: sometimes it's fun to be the recipient of semi-sexual glances from random people, even if you don't want them to be your permanent love suitors. Sometimes a hot dad gives you the bug eye at the park, and it's awesome.
Oh god. I'll admit it. I LIKE TALKING TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT WHETHER THAT CUTE BOY IS LOOKING AT THEM OR NOT, AND WHAT IT COULD ALL POSSIBLY MEAN. I am a member of the Babysitter's Club, and I'm not ashamed.
You know what keeps me from losing my shit on a daily basis? Being able to have days where I don't have to do the "up, here, buddy" thing to my boss, men on the street, guy behind the deli counter, etc etc. While I'm delighted that my tits have the power to lift your mood, how about you return the favor and don't leer while I'm out just trying to run some errands. Despite what you may think, I'm really out to just get some damn ketchup from the store, not to "brighten your day".
Women also stare.
Women are just as capable of objectifying people as men are.
Which is why I think the only way this ends is with everyone objectifying everyone. Because I don't know how we'll get to a point where can convince people to stop.
High five for your awesome comment and quality wang, bro.
When you don't yet know a person but find her or him attractive based on what you can see, the best way to get to know the person in question is almost never to stare intently at some body part. To stare is to withdraw from the social world into a self-serving fantasy, with much the same effect as talking out loud about someone who can hear you perfectly well. Best to say hello.
EXAMPLE: "Hi! I just TOTALLY checked you out and you didn't even notice! I practice at home, with my cat. Want to see a picture? Here's Mr. Bubbles, and this is Tam Tam!"
Oh, I definitely do some adjusting when I'm in the presence of a known peeker. Arms crossing, wrapping of stole, whatever. Is this what you are referring to, Anonymous? I'm with Edith, perhaps you exude a vibe?
I think I do this around sketch looking dudes I've never met before, too. But it's because they look sketchy!
Trust, my knee is naturally drawn to the crotch of dudes who leer yet I heroically manage to hold back.
Like bee, I also adjust and/or cover up in front of known leerers. When I worked on the 3rd floor of my building I would also make a point to let the guys who I thought were trying to look up up my skirt go in front of me on the stairs to the point of awkwardly pretending I forgot something on the previous floor. Do you really want to be that guy? My co-workers and I talk about the notorious ones.
Er, I think something's gone wrong when you think the most irresistible part of interacting with a woman is looking at her boobs (whether or not you actually resist).
I'm a smart, straight girl with slightly large bazongas. I'm a total hypocrite when it comes to this issue. I work in a male dominated field and I always put on a jacket to cover up when I'm in the hall and I hate it when my colleagues peek at my cleavage. I don't feel objectfied because everyone looks, attractive cleavage is eye catching. I admit that I look at cleavage too.
"When I do look, though, it'll only be for a quick appraisal in keeping with a typical outfit-assessment."
-*~my hero~*-
Dear ever woman who reads this,
If you don't like being looked at
Cover. It. Up.
If you want to complain that it's your right to show your cleavage, please ask yourself WHY you are showing your cleavage. Who, exactly, are you wanting to show your cleavage to? If your answer is no one, again, Cover. It. Up.
- A woman
But, but… I don't let the cleave show, and folks sometimes still peek. This is a thing, too.
That is true, and to those men – I say smack them with a wet trout.
Oh please. Like men don't stare when you're dressed modestly?
Additionally, based on current clothing trends and depending on your body shape, unless you want to live entirely in crew-necks and completely buttoned button-downs, a bit of cleavage is frequently unavoidable.
I've been ogled while wearing crew necks! Notably a size men's medium tractor pull t-shirt! And I'm an A cup! Legitimately not my fault.
Amber. Why not blame the lookers?
I blame both. I blame lookers for ogling. I also blame women who complain while wearing low cut shirts.
I, personally, choose NOT to dress in current clothing trends so that I can dress modestly. That's what I'm saying. You have to choose.
Well good for you.
If I wear tight-collared shirts, I spend the whole day feeling like I'm choking, something I do not enjoy.
And the definition of "current clothing trends" I'm using is incredibly broad. You want to dress modestly, for whatever reason? Fine. But saying its acceptable that men treat women who aren't "modest" – whatever the hell that means – like pieces of meat is ridiculous.
But hey, keep victim-blaming. Real progressive of you.
I didn't say that men should treat women like meat. Also, it's interesting to call someone a victim in this situation. Handing a person ammo and telling them to shoot you – and then being shot – does that make you a victim? I suppose, in a broad sense, it does. You are the subject of a situation. You did help move the situation along to put you there.
Also, I never said that I was progressive. Don't assume that everyone wants to be progressive or think that society should be moving in the the trajectory that it is.
Wow, late to the party, but RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT I'm wearing a v-neck sweater with maybe 2 inches of cleavage showing. I have big boobs, and I just ran out of the house, and this was the first thing I grabbed on my way out. Now I'm "handing people ammo to be shot with"? Whuut?
I still don't like being ogled, but apparently I deserve it because I organized my sweaters poorly? Damn. I feel weird that people feel free to judge me as a big-ol-whore who loves having people stare at her tits, just because I have big boobs and a sweater. So, thanks, judgey-mc-lady. You probably always choose your clothing with nothing but the male gaze in mind and make sure to calibrate their reactions to your clothes accordingly. I'm lazy and disorganized, so I'm a big ho. Greeeeat.
Εσείς θα βρεθούν αντιμέτωποι με κάποιον που έχει ένα τεράστιο τσιπ στον ώμο τους κατά το σύνολο του ανδρικού πληθυσμού.
What the? Why did you feel the need to put that in a different language?
In your adorable little situation up there, yes, the person who gets shot is a victim, because the other person pulled the fucking trigger. Also, the situations do not compare. Women have the right to wear what they want and still walk down the street unoogled. I will concede that in extreme cases, where women are prominently displaying their tits, they may share some of the responsibility. But in the example in the post? The woman working at a bookstore? Not her fault at all.
I am interested in knowing how you would define "low-cut" and "modest", and why you possibly think that dress is a deterrent to this sort of attention. Do you participate in society, or are you a really clever troll?
And I couldn't really give a fuck about how I come across to you or anyone else, but, um, feel free to leave me more cryptic greek messages that I need my secret Google Translator decoder to understand?
No I participate in society. I work at a girls group home and am a third year seminarian I'll even leave myself open so that you know I'm not a troll.
For me, anything that shows breasts is low cut.
amberpeace.com
twitter.com/amberleepb
Wow, with the opinions you've displayed here, I really feel sorry for the girls at the group home who are subjected to you.
So leaving this bitchy of a comment (my last one on this thread) has vaguely been haunting me for two days now. I apologize – though I realize this post is long dead and no one's likely to ever read this. But mocking someone who's trying to do some good (with whatever misguided attitudes) shouldn't be insulted. I am sorry, I was out of line.
If I didn't want you to stare at my tits I would be wearing a shirt right now.
This all sounds reasonable. I'm rather busty and I don't really care if people check out my cleavage, within reason. The only time it bothers me is if I am in a work meeting and the person doing the ogling is my superior or if it is accompanied by rude comments.
I think that, in general, if you notice your actions or attentions are making someone else uncomfortable, stop what you're doing and apologize if it feels warrented. That is fair enough. We can't always avoid bugging someone else.
Otherwise, whatever, breasts are nice to look at.
I'm a queer girl who dates girls and guys, and, yeah, sometimes I catch myself (or get caught) ogling too.
fuck a smidge of credit for the boob thing BUT i do LOVE when guys who are walking behind you at night cross the street so as not to freak you out.
Ha! I do that.
Also, if there are extremely scary people on the other side of the street, cross over and walk right at them and then nod or say hello as you pass. From prey to Hey!
i like it when men look….i mean there is nothing wrong with sneaking a peek at a good set of tittays!! im a 30 year old woman, i will admit i look at dude's junk sometimes!! it only becomes a problem when i have to wipe the drool off the top of my chest.
I don't see why Anonymous is so intent on exploiting women all the time. Like if I am interacting with a cashier, and I want to look up from my wallet to make polite eye contact, what I do is close my eyes really tight and then sort of roll them up into the back of my head, then open them and sort of swing them down from the top so my harmful Male Gaze doesn't accidentally sweep across any exposed busom flesh. If I want to address her by name, rather than read the name tag, which is basically a form of rape, I usually just choose a random one, like the name of a female sports celebrity or politician so that she knows that I know that even though she may be working in a stereotypically female menial service job NOW, she still has the POTENTIAL be a successful tennis player or the president of Israel. And when I have to walk through a public place where there might be women, I usually just stare at the floor and kind of shuffle along unobtrusively near the wall or something. Fancy hotel lobbies are the worst, because those marble floors sometime reflect a glimpse of one of the ladies I'm trying so hard not to dominate with my staring, so if I am on a business trip or traveling with my parents or in some other situation where we are staying in a nice hotel I usually just tell everyone I have a friend in that city anyway and I'll go stay with them and then I sleep in the park. If I had any female friends, which I don't, because I think it would be hard to spend that much time with somebody and never once even glance at the area between their neck and their knees, but if I did, I imagine they would say I was the best feminist ever and they wished their boyfriends could be just like me.
Being a man in this society is so hard, amirite? Chicks, bra! With their demands! It's so cute when they think they're people!
Being a man in this society is so hard, amirite? Chicks, bra! With their demands- it's so cute when they think they're people!
I have to say, i'm a straight lady, and I check out cleavage all the time. This may be because I am pretty short and it is sometimes at my eye line, but whatever. I don't ogle.
I also am fairly well endowed and sometimes feel like I'm getting my cleavage checked out. If it's not leer-y i don't usually mind, but I do agree with other posters that it can be a drag when you're not really in the mood to see dudes looking at your bazooms, but you still have to deal with it, simply because they're there (see: the gym).
I don't know. I used to feel reduced to an appearance and fret about getting ogled all the time, but then I just started doing things that made me proud of myself in a more profound way, and then I didn't feel like a shell of a human being if some guy checked me out. The older I get, the more silly I feel for having ever gotten outraged at the fact that MEN will CHECK OUT GIRLS. It is a fact of life. It's funny and fun. Get used to the circle of life, kiddos.
Yeah, the older you get I think the less it matters until the day when you realize you haven't been ogled in a solid year and it makes you a tiny bit sad. (like post-pregnancy) And then one day you are in better shape and rocking a great t-shirt or a pair of running tights and you get ogled again and you feel like, damn, I've still got a little bit of what I had before (effortlessly, I might add) and I worked hard to get back here and I'm happy someone noticed even if it was some creep hollering from a white van. I mean hypothetically, of course.
And I look at ladies and men all the time. It's why people go through the trouble of wearing nice things, to get noticed. I really feel like a lot of this is false outrage. If a guy or girl is cute and they check you out, there is an instant lift. It's called flirting.
Why should we feel threatened by someone who appreciates something beautiful? Men like cleavage. (Well, straight men do.) Women like cleavage, too, or they wouldn't show so damned much of it. Women have fought for decades to be taken seriously, to have the world accept that we can be pretty AND strong, that we are more than our physical appearance, blah blah blah. And, hey, most guys I know GET THAT! They love a woman who is beautiful and smart! So maybe it's time the girls stop bitching. We got what we want. Now push em up and be proud of em, and be happy that you might be a bright spot in some poor slob's otherwise lousy day.
I've never been able to work out what all the fuss was about. I can't understand why women get so bent out of shape about it all. They're breasts. If you don't want a man to look at your tits, keep eye contact with him. Is that really so hard? In my experience, the chicks who complain the loudest about guys "ogling" them are the first to stare at the mens asses the moment the guy turns around.
Ugh, this comment thread! Sometimes I feel silly when I log in to just say, "i don't care! either way!" because how is that furthering the DISCOURSE?!? But everyone is way too mad about this. I LOVE looking at boobs and I have big ones that have been checked out. Yeah, it's not so fun when a person is creepy and weird and leery and says inappropriate shit (I been gettin cat called since age 12! ICK!) so you know, men, don't do that. But if your eyes happen to flit across the tits, it's ok, it happens. Meanwhile, I might be over in the corner being a 14 year old boy with my eyes glued on a nice set. Mostly I'm playing the "are they real or not?" game or the "what the HELL kind of bra is she wearing?" game. Let's just all be respectful and give each other some slack. Ladies aren't always inviting creep-ogling in a v-neck and mens aren't always trying to make you feel like a piece of sex meat either.
Hear hear!
Guys – we women look at one another's cleavage, too. Often. A group of us recently talked at length about this. Everyone's eyes are naturally drawn to exposed breasts, whether they be those of a nubile 20-something or an old, gnarly grandmother. If you're showing them off, people are going to look.
The responsibility is as much (if not more) on the woman wearing the low-cut outfit as it is on the person drawn to the cleavage.