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Friday, November 5, 2010

45

Outdated Beauty Advice: You’ll Be Thinner When You Get There

Bonnie Downing collects vintage beauty guides, and this is her new column.

Some people get so touchy when they hear the truth — they'd rather be getting nothing but blind support and relentless, sugar-coated praise. Plus sugar-coated other things, too. Because those people, the ones who can’t take brave and brutal honesty? Those people are fat.

"If you have been ten pounds overweight for the last ten years, you are officially obese. How do you like the word obese? Doesn't that rock you?"
—Dorothy Seiffert, Beauty for the Mature Woman (1977)

That’s right, you. Not the girl next to you. Well her too, but mainly you. You’re fat and the sooner you admit that, the sooner you’ll accept the things you’ll never be, like a glamorous wearer of slacks.

"THE OVERWEIGHT WOMAN SHOULD NEVER WEAR SLACKS. The unfortunate part of wearing slacks is that we ourselves are never aware of just what we look like in them. Somehow the mirror does not show us the back view in its real appearance and perspective... never for a moment should she imagine that she looks cute in them or that they are acceptable apparel, because they are not. From the standpoint of glamour, they are poison."
—Margery Wilson, You're As Young As You Act (1951)

Still not convinced you’re exactly the sort of gal America doesn’t want to see in slacks, much less on prime time television? God, just face it.

“There are the cheetahs of the world and the hippopotami. Much to my chagrin, I was built for the herd — one year of negligence and you would find me by the riverbank, shifting my bulk in a vast hippopotamus sprawl!”
—Luciana Avedon, The Beautiful People’s Diet Book (1973)

Even the herd thinks you’re fat.  Here’s some raw honesty from a member of Luciana’s own herd:

"I'm a happier person when I'm thinner," says bright, pretty Jori Pepper... “I'm surer of myself. When you wake up heavy, all you want to do is roll over and go back to sleep."

But don’t do that. There’s no time! You must get up and get to work on yourself. Every single part of yourself. Including parts you can’t easily see.

“To make a perfect job of back beautifying, determine first whether you are ‘Blimpy,’ or ‘Bumpy.’

If you are ‘Blimpy,’ it means that disfiguring rolls of fat are obstructing the natural contour lines... bulging out from behind brassiere straps and over the top of your girdle.  Your effort must be to reduce and bring back firm, solid flesh.
If you are ‘Bumpy,’ your protruding ribs will make your back look like a xylophone. In this case, exercise and figure molding will tend to level off the back lines with a proper padding of muscle tissue.”
—Joe Bonomo, Reduce and Beautify Your Figure (1954)

What, you like your back just the way it is? No, that's not all right. Are you even listening to me? I don’t know where people in this country get off just choosing their own body types, campaigning to make them acceptable, inventing newer, larger ones all the time. NO.

"One has to make her own body as nearly as possible like the classic models, by exercise, by diet, by every healthful process, or, as a last resort, to stimulate corresponding proportions by every harmless device of art in clothing."
—Francis Mary Steele and Elizabeth Livingston Steele Adams, Beauty of Form and Grace of Vesture (1892)

That right there is some timeless advice. And almost a hundred years later, it was still recognized as inarguable wisdom (Helen Gurley Brown didn’t build an empire by going in for any of the trendy acceptance bullshit):

"... You must at least create the illusion of beauty by acting beautiful.

You don't have to lie your head off and say I am, I am, I am when you know damn well you aren't — a stunner. But you must love yourself enough to employ every device... voice, words, clothes, figure, make-up... to become one.”
—Helen Gurley Brown, Sex and the Single Girl (1962)

You think our media culture’s standards of beauty are too narrow? That we should recognize the beauty of curves? What is wrong with you? I mean, besides your obvious weight problem. Again from HGB:

“You have only to look at one of the most beautiful women in the world — Elizabeth Taylor — when she is twenty pounds overweight (as she occasionally is) and compare her to the goddess she is when she is sleeked down to a size ten. Even her beauty can't survive runaway fat."

Gross, what’s so sleek about a size ten? And don’t you even start with that tired crap about not being able to lose weight for medical reasons.

"A great number of overweight women and men have really sold themselves the idea that they are persecuted by Nature in that everything they eat turns to fat. Their friends have given them sympathy over this sad plight.

But the fact in case is that such fat people during the war in countries where food was not available to satisfy their appetites, rapidly lost weight. Unless there is a definite glandular disturbance, which happens only in one out of a hundred thousand cases of overweight, the fat in the body is in ratio to the food intake and there is no other way around it.
THERE ARE NO OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE IN PRISON CAMPS."
—Margery Wilson, You're As Young As You Act: A Manual of Moods, Movements, and Mannerisms (1951)

Let me guess, large-framed, big-boned? I can clear up that fantasy for you right quick.

"Big or small bones don't make as much difference as we would like to think. Bones weigh roughly one-sixth of your weight. They can give you an alibi for about 7 pounds at the most."
—Bronwen Meredith, Vogue Body and Beauty Book (1977)

One more thing.  I bet you thought hanging out with even fatter losers makes you look slim by comparison. You could not be any less right (or any less slim).

"LET’S STUDY OUR GENERAL AFFECT, AS YOU ARE NOW.  Arrange to study yourself before a large mirror.  Is your walk that of a fat woman or a thin one?  The effect is unmistakable.

One of my clients was a very thin woman, thin to the point of scrawniness. During the lesson I had her walk up and down the room while I studied her. Her walk puzzled me. I couldn’t make it out. Finally it dawned on me that she walked as a fat woman walks. Slyly I said, “You have a fat friend, haven’t you?” She stopped and turned a shining face to me “Yes, did you see me with her?” She evidently loved and admired her friend very much. “No,” I answered. “I didn’t see you with her, but I see her with you right now. You have her walk, copied no doubt, unconsciously, because of your great affection for her. And so it goes for all of us.
WE HAVE ACQUIRED OUR MANNERISMS — WE MAY AS WELL ACQUIRE THE ONES WE WANT...”
—Margery Wilson, You’re As Young As You Act (1951)

So now you understand. Get thin. Dress even thinner. Think thin. Walk thin. And for God’s sake don’t allow yourself the indulgence of affection for fat friends. I hope you don’t believe you can make the required changes simply by ohhh walking a little more, eating little less? Evil cackle! You need a draconian regime that combines self-abuse with surprisingly hard-to-prove science. Those diet and exercise tips are to come, but here’s a good place to start:

"If you like liquor, have it straight. Mixed drinks add calories and fluid. A straight whiskey will get you where you want to be as quick as a Manhattan, and you'll be thinner when you get there."
—Polly Bergen, Polly's Principles (1974)

Sinister beauty expert Bonnie Downing collected tips like these in her first book, Peculiar Beauty: Three Centuries of Charmingly Absurd Advice. Now she's writing a book about animals and needs a new agent. You can find her at peculiarbeauty.com and in Brooklyn.



45 Comments / Post A Comment

cherrispryte

Bitch please. I enjoy being a hippopotamus!

Bonnie Downing

The plump are so quick to resort to name calling.

winchesterwolcott

I can't wait until, in the prision camp, I am 1/6 my current weight.

Clarence Rosario

A straight whiskey will get you where you want to be as quick as a Manhattan, and you'll be thinner when you get there.

Then you've been making Manhattans wrong, dipshit.

TheCheese

\"Lay off that tablespoon of vermouth, fatties.\"

MollyculeTheory

Polly Bergen's Manhattan Recipe: Put 84 maraschino cherries in a glass. Layer other ingredients over your mass of cherries. Don't try to mix, it's pretty dense in there. Top with bitters!

thatsrealbutter

This seems apropos:
Helen Gurley Brown's Skinny Hot-Buttered Rum

Into a mug or a cup put:
• 1 tablespoon "butter" made from Butter Buds
• 1 packet of Equal
• 1 oz. rum

Put a teaspoon in the mug. Fill to the brim with boiling water. Add a few cloves on top. Savor.

thatsrealbutter

SAVOR (your misery)

cherrispryte

By "Savor" you mean vomit, right?

thatsrealbutter

Well if you plan to maybe you should keep the cloves on the side for post vom breath freshening?

Bonnie Downing

60 days from now when we've all gained our hibernation weight and lost our wills to live, who among us will be above drinking that, and drinking it in place of coffee in the morning, who?

Bonnie Downing

You shouldn't really drink on an empty stomach. How about a nice salad?

Reducing Dressing (1 pint)
1 1/2 cup chemically pure mineral oil
1/2 half strained lemon juice
1 teaspoon vegetable salt
2 saccharine tablet

--Helena Rubinstein (1930)

thatsrealbutter

Saccharine tablet whyyyy???

thatsrealbutter

Laxalad

Edith Zimmerman

We're having a regular old RECIPE EXCHANGE

City_Dater

Surely Helena intended this to be some kind of "home spa" treatment? Perhaps one is supposed to rub it on stretch marks or comb it through split ends, because there's no way the human digestive tract wants to contemplate even "chemically pure" mineral oil.

thatsrealbutter

I think it does exactly what Helena intends it to do.

PBandJ

The illustration indicates if I lose weight, my breasts will point up again. DONE, obvs.

Bonnie Downing

Tips on that coming soon, actually...

MollyculeTheory

"If you have been ten pounds overweight for the last ten years, you are officially obese." DOES THIS MEAN FATNESS IS CUMULATIVE?!? Oh dear.

birah r.

it appears my fatness is actually exponential.

Jellia Jamb

Re the size 10, sizes used to be smaller. That is to say, what we call size 6 today was called size 10 in the 60's, size 12 in the 1940's, etc. (I mean, that was roughly the trend over time. I'm not *quite* dorky enough to go pull up old sewing patterns and quote exact numbers.)

It's outrageous that my first post on this Incredibly Delightful site should be so boring and librarian-ish, but I guess I'll just embrace it.

Edith Zimmerman

No it's great!!!!

Bonnie Downing

I still don't see what's so sleek about a size 6.

egg cream

Well, the Wakefield twins were a "perfect" size 6.

But that was a back-then size six, not a now size six, so I guess they were really a perfect size two?

Jellia Jamb

I'm not as familiar with that end of the size continuum as I once was (dammit), so I'm uncertain, but yeah, probably a 2 or 4 in present-day sizes. Also, now I want an egg cream. Great.

laurel

Straight scotch and prison camp it is, then.

Tiger Brown

It should be optional, and attainable for a reasonable price, but personally, I'm all for people, man, woman, or transsexual, improving their looks "by every healthful process, or, as a last resort, to stimulate corresponding proportions by every harmless device of art in clothing."

BTW, I do not consider 5-inch heels "harmless."

Light beer has the least calories of all.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN FIT INTO SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD WEAR IT.

Bonnie Downing

Of course not, Tiger, it means you should subsist on pure grain alcohol and false butter until the garment hangs off you.

Tiger Brown

1892

Improve yourself "by every healthful process, or, as a last resort, ... stimulate corresponding proportions by every harmless device of art in clothing."

2010

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
Botox? Plastic surgery? Illegal drugs? Fine -- just don't get caught.

Bonnie Downing

Stay tuned for the next installments of this column and I think you'll find that the ladies of yore were just as criminal and idiotic as modern gals...

kitten_witawip

Bonnie you must pick up this one

http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Peoples-Beauty-Book/dp/B000K0TT1Q

This is from her wiki page:

"In 2008 Pignatelli Avedon ended her life with an overdose of medication and alcohol."

Tiger Brown

My favorite story is about the Hollywood actress, Lupe Velez (?), who supposedly prepared for her suicide by putting on a full makeup. The effect was ruined when she began to vomit the pills she\'d taken.

Tiger Brown

At least they didn't know the lead in the white makeup was toxic.

Bonnie Downing

Kitten, I like you. I own that one! I remember when she died but I didn't know that she died on purpose. We'll hear more tips from her soon, when she chimes in on exactly how you blobs can fix yourselves.

Edith Zimmerman

"I didn't know that she died on purpose"

Lu
Lu

i have a new diet plan beginning december 1 and this column will be my inspiration.

Bonnie Downing

Nononono I take it all back!

evaokay

I'd like to lard more confusion onto this issue by noting that in Ireland and the UK your size 6 is our size 10 and your size 10, our 14. In 'Europe', your size 10 is like 44 and your size 6 38. Your size zero is a 4, or if you prefer, perhaps a 32. Or perhaps this size thing is just massively arbitrary. The one thing to remember is that we're all hideously fat and should totally die on purpose.

Jellia Jamb

Intriguing facts, and an accurate conclusion. Incidentally, I'd like to thank you for using the term 'lard' as a verb (properly, I realize). I feel we should all do that more often.

janedonuts

I'd like to hear what these bitches thought about getting old. Last I checked, Polly Bergen's not looking so hot these days.

Bonnie Downing

Polly is unimpeachable to me. As to what the others think of getting old. possibly see above, "dying on purpose."

MoonBat

Hah! As if we don't realize these comments are being typed on laptops from bathrooms, since that yummy mineral oil salad dressing has us all pooping like a goose!

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