If a guy takes you out on a first date, Facebook friend him as soon as you get home. Then, when he accepts, immediately request to be "In a Relationship" with him. Quickly message him asking him why HE relationship-requested YOU and tell him you "had a nice time last night, but aren't ready for anything serious" and that you "don't usually do the whole Facebook relationship status thing, anyway," but that maybe you'll "run into him one of these days!" De-friend him on Facebook, and then friend-request a bunch of his friends you've never met IRL.
Write "I'm still in love with you" (weird time stamps like 7 a.m. on a Saturday or 5 p.m. on a Monday are best) on the Facebook wall of every boy you've ever kissed.
When you're at a guy's place and he leaves the room, open up his iTunes library and select ALL the songs. Right click and hit "Get Info." Are you sure you want to edit information for multiple items? Yes!!! You're sure. Change the artist to your name, the album title to "Fuck You," or "I Don't Like You That Much!" and the song title to, "I'm Doing a Practical Joke!" or something like that and clear the rest of the info fields. Maybe you can change the genre of the entire library to "Ambient Life-Ruining" or "Post-Honeymoon Phase" or "Experimental Monogamy." If you have time, change the album art to a picture of your face and sync his iPod to match, too. Then quit iTunes and lay on the bed unassumingly until he returns, whereupon you can tell him you're just dying to listen to the new Rihanna single and that he should turn it on.
The only appropriate response to a text message from a guy asking, "What's up?" is just "Guess."
On a dinner date, stand up once you've finished your food and tell the guy you're going to the bathroom. With a straight face, say that it's "time to purge" and walk away. Go to the bathroom and do jumping jacks for a few minutes until you break a sweat, and then walk to the table and quietly sit back down.
There are endless possibilities once you've got access to someone's e-mail account, but, like, really? A person's e-mail account is sacred. Just sign him up for a bunch of mailing lists.
Carrie Battan is a writer living in New York City. Don't let her near your computer or cell phone.