Man Writes Unintentionally Hilarious List of Man "Secrets"
You guys, Marie Claire is on some next-level nonsense these days, and it is a delight. Over on their dating blog — such a rich source of material lately! — man-blogger Rich Santos reveals "20 (More) Secrets Men Keep," an amazing stock-photo slideshow, the highlights of which I've pasted below. Now we can know everything.
[W]e wonder if you talk about anything other than boyfriend, shoes, bags, and reality TV
I'm pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say "bag" and "small bag."
My buddy and I gossip on IM during work. The average IM convo looks like this:
Rich: "I can't believe she's going out with that guy. He's not right for her."
Brian: "Agreed. Oh well, I guess she'll find out the hard way."
Haha. Just a normal exchange between humans, no big deal, no girls to murder later.
[O]ften, your voice sounds like the "wah-wah" adult voice in a Peanuts holiday special. You lose us in the beginning when it takes way too long to set something up. You need a hook and strong intro. There have been times when a female has spoken to me for ten minutes, I go to some other dimension
Oh, is that so? Go fuck yourself?
We Check Out Other Women (Even if We're in Relationships)
Sorry, but we notice a hot girl any time any place.
Nooooo!!!!
[W]hen we are getting back to NYC after a long trip, I'll look at whatever buddy I am with and say: "so you're going to eat, watch TV, pass out, and…" I'll nod at him inferring masturbation. "Of course," he'll answer.
Ummm … you guuuyyyys! Whattt?!
I'm the rare male who never really seeks sex, and also doesn't enjoy it.
:-/
[I]t's no secret that we don't like to think
: (
We might as well have been on the couch watching movies with a bottle of wine with the deep emotional things we were saying to each other.
I can't even handle this one. If this sentence were food I'd wrap it in a napkin and bring it home.
All we can do with ours is go back and forth.
[Penises.] Ahh, I know I shouldn't pick on poor Rich Santos, since he probably had to turn this around too quickly, and "men reveal!" lists like this have been done to death, but also, Jesus Christ. And bag. Large bag. Little bag with a bag inside. Big bag that has glitter.
))((, edith.
(*whispering*) what does that mean?
(*whispering*) why won't she tell us what this means?
back and forth. it's all i can do.
Maybe ))<>((
(*whispering*) maybe it means she wants to smoosh Edith's boobs together? (am I projecting?)
maybe clapping? or, the opposite of parentheses x2.
Golfclap?!
zomg NO
back and forth, forever
and seconded.
thank you.
Don't blame me, I voted for Neel Shah.
as;lkdhgalshg;lakhsd;lgkahs;gdlkahsd;glahs;ldkgha;glkh
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY
WRONG MAGAZINE, GUYS.
or
WRONG MAGAZINE GUYS.
Joke's on you, Cho. They're all the same magazine – just with different titles on the cover.
My "getting back to New York after a long trip" ritual is to suddenly have "Back in Baby's Arms" go through my head. All this time, if I wanted to think like a man, I should have been asking the nearest person when they planned to masturbate.
What's in the teacup?
YEAH, bro!
So I guess he thinks that ladies don't check out hot dudes (even if they're in relationships)?
Duh, of course not. Women only care about men's potential earning ability and the probability that said man will be a good father!
Men took care of this by celebrating that study that found that women are less visual than men by just letting themselves go.
That study, by the way, was a lie. So good luck out there, tubby unkempt dudes…
Screeeeeching sound of car wreck + cat angry at being washed in a bathtub + fire alarm + carbon monoxide detector going off.
It's true! We're so lame!
Implying, dude. Implying masturbation. WHY HAS EVERYONE NOT HEARD ABOUT THIS ALREADY?
The nod that implies masturbation isn't complicated, but it can be tiring.
Rich Santos can READ BETWEEN HIS OWN LINES. That's his 21st secret!
Also, his friends can apparently masturbate while passed out!
I'm sure if that were possible, I'd have figured it out by now.
So spilling that secret would be a nocturnal admission?
I seed what you did there.
"Keywords: man reading magazine, couch"
All of my mannerisms imply masturbation. One of my many idiosyncrasies.
If you get fired from a job with a ladies' magazine for insulting the intelligence of the editor's ideal reader, what is your next career step?
I don't know whether to feel bad for being a guy and having idiots like this represent us or to feel bad for straight women because some guys are like this.
I just feel bad.
Sounds like you're about to watch TV, pass out, and … ?
Not sure what you are inferring/implying here, Edith.
Oh, Miles, sounds like you too are about to watch TV, pass out, and … ?
I don't have a TV. So,
@Edith right now I'm doing, like, a finger tapping on the side of the nose gesture? like, from which you can infer things?
OH DUDE. This made me so happy. “Haha. Just a normal exchange between humans, no big deal, no girls to murder later.” SO GOOD. Man, is her deadladyface red!
I hope they named gaping maw stock photo dicksboobsvaginas. I want them to get more traffic is the thing!
We know that part of the boyfriend job description is to supply you with feel good stories and anecdotes to share with your friends…
There was a kitten, it was in a gutter and it was wet, and then it was fished out of the gutter and dried off and it mewed and lapped milk softly, and also the guy who fished it out was totally James Franco.
(I do what I have to do, mostly because of the great health plan.)
THIS!
I do not believe this was "unintentionally" hilarious.
I mean, it couldn't be, right?
As a man this makes me sad. As a human being it makes me terrified. It's like it was written by a man who had only heard about relationships from a radio…in Russian…somehow a head injury is involved.
This is so many kinds of wonderful. Marie Claire! You are the giver of so many gifts lately. You make me want to revise my distrust of those with two first names. I liked this one:
"Strange thing is sometimes we'll have sex when we don't want to, because we are guys-like when you eat something and you're totally not hungry, and then you feel awful later."
I wasn't with you before, but that analogy so totally makes me understand…and even a little hungry, lmao.
Those of us with two first names would like to remind everyone else that we did not choose to be named thusly, and do not like sounding like we are country bumpkins who wear only gingham.
What about the small bag that attaches to the handle of the large bag?
We like to spray axe chocolate on our bods/ crotch, as well. The "wah-wahing" sounds so much angrier afterwards!
As for secret sharing, I prefer that magician with the bag over his head.
I wonder what the stock photo for the "eat, watch tv, pass out, and…" one was.
http://www.marieclaire.com/cm/marieclaire/images/iE/20-more-secrets-men-keep-brag-de.jpg
"Yeah, bro! Jackin' it! In tandem!?"
So Rich Santos enjoys wet dreams over real person sex, which is something I can't get over, which led me to this: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/men/never-enjoyed-sex-1-080411, which led me to YIKES! and WTF?!
I was hoping he’d finally clear up whether a man’s penis doubles as a straw!
I can use mine as a snorkel! As for a straw, I'm willing to let you experiment.
What about the one that was like "Now that I'm way more skilled at manipulating women than I was in college, I sure wish I could go back to college and manipulate some unsuspecting young women!"
Yeah, I didn't know WTF to do with that one.
@pajamarama I thought the same thing! When I got to that one, the part of my brain that lives under a nice fluffy rock was like, "No. Nooooooo. There's no way he's about to say that."
"Even though we think that women are OK with a bit of a guy on a guy, we still worry about our weight."
I fear for my young sons, letting them out into this world of "MEN". Never referred to another guy as a "buddy", though I'M still having a bit of a problem with "dude" after all these years. It's my own generational problem, still thinking of it as surfer-speak Apologies to all the ernest surfers. Can't decide what was more hilarious, the Santos-secrets or the Zimmer-comments.
“Can’t decide what was more hilarious…”
Oh come on, that’s an EZ choice, yo.
ugh, i just clicked over and went through the whole thing. so embarassing for him. i'd like that five minutes back please.
Rich, Santos.
Ah, thank you dear Edith. But I worry what will happen to society now that these long-held Secrets of Men have been revealed to the world….
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
Why aren't there any "Ask a Rich Santos" advice columns on the Hairpin?
Oh god, you're so funny. "ummm you guyssss. whaaaatttt???"
"Sometimes, we really like to embrace stereotypes over a couple of brewskis. NO HOMO."
LMAO!!!