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Monday, November 8, 2010

41

How to Lose 10 Pounds Using Wine and Anxiety

Do you have 10 lbs. to lose, 10 months, and a bottomless wine budget? Great, let’s get started! (NB: Method not actually recommended.)

1. Have coffee and protein for breakfast, and eat it quickly, standing up. There's no time to lose!

2. Work! Make sure you have a job that makes you so nervous that when 11 a.m. rolls around and you start to feel a little hungry, you just power through it since there’s no way you can leave the computer (everyone would somehow sense you were gone and realize that they did actually hate you after all?), and then at 3:30 p.m. when you do get a chance to break away, you’re strangely unhungry even though you know you’re probably technically hungry — but also you’re amazed because you never thought you’d be one of those people who “forgot to eat lunch,” as you always understood those people to be insane or liars, but here you are, a Busy Woman who forgot to eat lunch. So you either skip lunch entirely, get a thing from the vending machine, or go get a salad. Or, if you’re actually extremely hungry, go get a panini.

3. Have some more coffee! Have as much coffee as you want, all the time.

4. If you suddenly notice you’ve been sitting with your shoulders hunched and that there's a clenching in your chest, good. And don’t breathe too deeply or easily — breaths should be short and shallow. So short and shallow that sometimes it feels like you’re not even breathing. In fact, sometimes you aren’t even breathing, which you’ll notice because you’ll suddenly, quietly gasp. It’s great to have a job that ENGAGES you, you know?

5. At last, the day is done! Ohhh wait, though, there’s that one other thing. Holddd onnn, do something for another half hour. OK, done for real! Unless there’s another thing? In which case, do it, obviously. Why wouldn't you do something, no matter how useless and unnecessary it is?

6. When you get home, pour yourself a very generous glass of wine. Aim for 8 p.m.-ish, but if you get home earlier, start earlier. Whatever you want! White or red, it doesn’t matter.

7. It’s staggering how fast you can drink a single glass of wine while just doing stuff in your house. Repeat.

8. Now you’re a little bit drunk, which, thank god. What a day, jesus christ. But now you feel great! Very loose, easy breezy.

9. Eat whatever dinner you want. Although mostly you order sushi or Thai or Middle Eastern. Or make salmon with a vegetable. But really, whatever.

10. The bottle of wine is gone! It happens sooo quicklllyyyy sometimeeessss.

11. Go mess around online, keeping in mind that anything you write/post/send is guaranteed to be stupid. Oops, you write/post/send it anyway.

12. Well, it’s about 45 minutes after you should’ve gone to bed, but whatever. Go to bed/pass out now!

13. Do it all over again tomorrow and every day for the next 10 months, and watch a small amount of weight very slowly melt off. Oh, and on the weekends throw in some whiskey. Usually just on its own or with club soda, but also in Manhattans. And if you see a reason to have whiskey and/or Manhattans during the work week, WHY NOT.

14. Literally never exercise. Except once over Labor Day when you hike a mountain with your mom.

Optional step No. 15 being, of course: Write a how-to thing like this and then reevaluate the way things are going! N-E WAY, moving on.

41 Comments / Post A Comment

amberto

when i graduated from college i worked as a manager at club monaco. the mall employee diet was quite similar, only i dropped like 25lbs because step 2 involved running around the store for hours on end helping bitchy rich women and changing store displays constantly. i've never been so thin (or hungry or depressed) in my life. BUT I WAS SKINNY & SKINNY = HAPPY!!!...?? *cries*

electromotive force

Eat almonds! Stock up on fruit! Drink milk! Heat soup from TJ\'s, or try their Indian meals in pouches–microwave in 90 secs. Seriously, Edith, you\'ve got to pass on better nutritional info. Juice and water qualify as beverages, too. Expand your repertoire, babe.

Bonnie Downing

By "almonds" I assume you mean adderall?

Tulletilsynet

Wine has water in it and is made from juice. This suggestion is officious.

PBandJ

Does the Indian food act as a diuretic? Then, yes.

saythatscool

Am I allowed to drink during that Labor Day exercise?

Because that's the only way I am going to be able to deal.

thatsrealbutter

Just put a little vodka-soda in your Nalgene!

Bittersweet

Don't forget the saccharine tablets for maximum weight loss...

maroidrage

Heyyy I have this life, and I just gain and gain. I guess I need to switch to whiskey from buckets and buckets of beer. Thanks for the advice!

forget it i quit

FYI, I did this exact diet for the past 12 months but being an avid The Awl reader, I subbed whiskey (of the scotch and bourbon types) for the wine very early on.

I ended up gaining as well. Though it did help with the haikus I ended up writing for step 11.

AnnieO

@maroidrage I did THIS EXACT THING the year of my first job too, when I lived in constant fear of screwing up and was so terrified I had no appetite. Now that I feel competent at my job, however, those 15 lbs have crept back... Can't win them all ;)

cherrispryte

I get headaches (and sometimes migraines!) from every single part of this list.

Except for the bit about paninis.

murdear

Bonus of step 13. Too much whiskey with your wine may make you lose the following morning's breakfast protein. Upgrade your panini order to compensate accordingly.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

I do something like this, except without the work part. It's called the Four Loko Diet.

Hilary Kitz

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2010/11/four_loko_under.php

MollyculeTheory

The problem with this lifestyle is that you do it Monday-Saturday, and reverse all the skinny you got on Sunday by cramming your face with brunch ):

Edith Zimmerman

That's actually true, but I find it's one of those, like, four steps forward, three steps backward things.

Lucy

I love how the anxiety B.O. that is clearly part of this equation has already been taken care of via a deodorant-off - AND I know how to properly manage the twisty part. This site rulez.

CaptainBringdown

This diet could use more cigarette smoking, no? If you take a smoke break in the middle of dinner and use your dinner plate as an ashtray, you'll probably decide you don't really need all that salmon after all.

Soniarita

Yeah, this diet DEMANDS chain smoking. Lose 10lb in 10 weeks! Who's got 10 months to waste.

George Krzewski

what wine?? like what's your favorite? btw you don't need to drink water because wine has water in it already. ok, bye, yes you rule.

PBandJ

Oh yeah, this diet. You should also add depression into the mix, because then you actually aren't hungry at all, and you might not sleep, which means you are burning EXTRA CALORIES being awake. But don't take meds your doc suggests, they might make you FAT, so BE SAD AND SCARED, do it, you want to be skinny, yes you do, be skinny NOW. Related: jobs that make you happy without the crazy, can we get a job board started for those?

Sachar Mathias

another number 9 is looking at menus online for so long that you get too drunk/overwhelmed to even order anything.

Edith Zimmerman

I think I remember a really high point late one night of trying to figure out whether I wanted sushi or Thai and then starting to cry, and then just falling asleep.

Edith Zimmerman

"I think I remember."

Bonnie Downing

In movies, after characters have that night, everything starts to turn around and go their way!

NattyLite

Seamless web is the best/worst invention for this reason! Takes me at least 30 mins to pick a place.

This might be my favorite article ever. 17 lbs on this diet! Except vodka sodas/champagne on the weekend. I think the hatred burns extra calories while I sleep. Oh, and do panic attacks count as exercise? Then I might be cheating.

max bread

Oh, I've been on this diet since high school, but I supplement it by lying awake until 3 a.m. or so wondering if anything I've ever done has been worthwhile.

thatsrealbutter

Sometimes I replace #9 with some papaya enzymes

tuntastica

I eagerly anticipate this lifestyle when I begin my finance job after graduation! In the interview they said I would be doing 'compliance'. I didn't know what that meant but I beamed and was hired. Now I lie awake fretting about the exact nature of my job description/future.

Meredith L.

And for the Frugalista in your life, there's always five quarts of Franzia Crisp White! Also cuts down on the anxiety over the question if Mr. or Mrs. Soo actually really notice or not that you're a daily customer at The Wine and Dine Bin.

shantasybaby

I have only recently adopted this diet and as someone who is a) somewhat paralyzed by wine snobbery and b)annoyed by how quickly bottles are over have gone the Wine Cube route. It's from Target and so somewhat classier than Franzia but still in a big ass box and not classy at all.

tuntastica

I love this so much. This is my at least 9th reading. So much love.

andrew_graham

Assuming this advice is unisex, I have an addition: Think of food as only fuel and nothing more.

Are you unashamed to stir up some crusty, months-old marinara sauce, put that shit on a frozen hamburger bun with some part-skim cheese and call it “pizza?” Does eating an entire green pepper (raw, natch) and a bowl of popcorn for dinner sound like a reasonable dietary regimen to you? Do you eat cereal that has the consistency of gravel – Kashi Go-Lean, hello! – and get along with your afternoon just fine despite it?

Have you not been on a dinner date in more than a year not because you have trouble meeting people, but because eating the food prepared at a restaurant is something you will not enjoy?

Then keep doing what you're doing. Seriously, genuinely not liking food is extremely helpful for me.

Serena Dai

This is far too real. I actually lost like, seven pounds this way. For example, yesterday I had a power bar and a cigarette for lunch.

Deen Mohd Dar@facebook

Anxiety comes naturally and yes addiction comes with pre planned so drinking wine can cause more problems because when we drink wine it will become addiction. I have no knowledge how to lose weight but i am expert in treating anxiety. If a person want to become anxiety patent then he will become more breva. When a person do positive things and practice everything he watches then it is more tough for him to get anxiety.
i must say anxiety is a psychological disorder and brings physical changes like face with sadness.

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