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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

55

Woman Crams Remarkable Amount of Idiocy Into Single Blog Post

Wow! Over on Marie Claire's dating blog — I'm on a Marie Claire tear — writer Maura Kelly considers Mike & Molly, the sitcom about an overweight couple, and asks, "Should fatties get a room?"

Where to begin! Fortunately she answers her own question right off the bat:

[Y]es, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room

Hmm, should you go back and maybe rephrase that, or should you march forward, pounding the keyboard with your beautifully slender fingers? Please, go right ahead:

Now, don't go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called plump. I'm not some size-ist jerk. ... For instance, the overweight maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even try working out, because he's been heavy for as long as he can remember.

How wonderful that someone's finally invented a machine that can preserve someone for decades in complete isolation before releasing them directly onto a computer at Marie Claire. There's also more:

But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.
(I'm happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more.

Yay! Long story short indeed. Oops, sorry to interrupt:

Then again, I guess these characters are in Overeaters Anonymous. So ... points for trying? Then again, I tend to think most television shows are a kind of junk food for the mind and body.

Personally, I don't even know what TV is! My maintenance man brought it up once, but he's so fat I usually just slide my fingers under my hair and press my ears shut when he talks.



55 Comments / Post A Comment

Tuna Suprise

If you accidentially eat un-fresh and processed foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it’s cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, that are also low in fiber, the best thing to do is put your finger down your throat and get that right out of your tummy! It's worked for me since I was 12!

forget it i quit

Just wanted to say I'm finding these illustrations very charming!

alison

I'm already experiencing slender finger envy as a result.

Jolie Kerr

They're very Edward Gorey - love them!

backstagebethy

This article made me SO mad yesterday. It looks like most of the commenters at Yahoo Shine (where I originally saw it) think it's ridiculous and offensive as well. Maybe they'll pull an NPR and fire her?

sorry your heinous

"I mean, look, Bill, I’m not a bigot. You know the kind of articles I’ve written about nutrition and exercise in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in fat person clothes and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as overweight, I get worried. I get nervous."

atipofthehat

To be brutally honest, Maura Kelly is no Moira Kelly. And I think that's something she has a ton of control over. Sorry if what I'm typing here makes no sense, but the Internet told me to stand up while using my computer.

katiebakes

Toepiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!

Katharine Salerno

"I'm not some size-ist jerk..." then a bunch of stuff disproving that.

kristin

"i'm not some size-ist jerk" joins the miserable cannon of "i have friends who are gay!" and "look, bill, i'm not a bigot..."

oof. 2010, we expected better from you.

the light in chains

@kristin and "This is going to sound racist, but..."

Sarah

Can\'t wait until her novel comes out so I can roll around gleefully on my fat rolls and then maybe balance the book on my rolls of fat while reading it!

Tulletilsynet

I know, that's the only way, right? A good book demands that.

PBandJ

Somedays, when I feel extra bad about myself, I type into my computer about how anyone who isn't me has a ton of control over that and they should probably eat fiber and stop taking steroids for their asthma and they should try to walk around a lot and also steal my brain because that will help. And if they can't breathe? Natural selection, of course.

hungrybee

I'm amused that she thinks the YMCA is somehow free.

atipofthehat

Wait, wait! It gets better (worse): "Random portly guy[s]" are after Maura!

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-frisky-qa-maura-kelly/

sallytomato

Is there some kind of Fat Person with Balloons service we can send over to Marie Claire this afternoon?

cherrispryte

If there is not, I will volunteer as an amateur.

Edith Zimmerman

We definitely named this site too quickly.

kristin

“To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”

and she hates writers who create strong female protagonists, too?

now, now, i realize that she’s a freelancer and the copy editors at marie claire are probably up to their shapely tits in “your fashion sucks” or “edgy new sex stuff” pieces, but i want so desperately for this person to have at least a reasonable grasp on the language in which she traffics, if not on reality, or human decency.

emily

heroin vs. heroine seems to be the real hot button issue here. But then again, spelling is wicked hard amiright?

kristin

no heteronormo.

Tuna Suprise

Spelling is hard when you're starving.

ian
ian

Nice walkthrough, Zimmerman! And the drawing is awesome icing, as per usual.

veryanonymous

This actually makes me dislike the editors of Marie Claire more than the chick who wrote it. Not the lack of copyediting, but actually letting the story run — seems like a pretty calculated effort to generate page views/reader engagement/links.

I wish they\'d just come up with a \"reason\" to post a shirtless picture of Jon Hamm instead.

Katie Walsh

Nope, Maura doesn't have any hang ups about sex or food. Nope not at all.

mary hk choi

Wow. What an asshole. Kill her for talking about sookie from gilmore girls like that.

erikonymous

+1000 ST. JAMES 4 LYFE!!!

cuir de hussy

I have hated this lady since she wrote this: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/nerdiness-ages-well-speed-dating-nerd-nite-galapagos

cherrispryte

Dear Cuntface,

The size of my body and what I chose to do with it is none of your damn business. I don't exist to be viewed by you; my fat ass does not owe you beauty.

Love and lollipops,
CherriSpryte

Ella Quint

@cherrispryte - I love you and your fabulously round ass!!

Aatom

I honestly didn't think anything could make me feel sympathetic to the show Mike & Molly.

City_Dater

Anyone visiting "Marie Claire's dating blog" for advice and wisdom is probably so doomed already that this poorly-written asshattery isn't going to make any difference either way.

andrew_graham

Now I'm waiting impatiently for Marie Claire's editorial stance on the disgusting poors.

cherrispryte

I believe the phrase "are there no poorhouses or prisons for such people" is in there somewhere.

Bittersweet

Plus "now don't go getting the wrong impression; I've got a few friends who could be considered working class."

lindsey

I also think any usage of 'get a room' should end immediately. If anything, wish these rambunctious folks an adorable pied-à-terre or a brownstone with thick walls.

Maura Johnston

This woman has been giving people with blogs who are named Maura a bad name for some time now.

crazymandy

Not just balloons - send cookies too! (After all, sugar is baaaaad, right?)

Margaret E. I.

This story actually gets sadder if you go to the author's full profile on Marie Claire and see she published in the 2008 essay collection "Going Hungry: Writers on Desire, Self-Denial, and Overcoming Anorexia". You can read her entire essay with Amazon's Look Inside feature if you have an Amazon account (Kelly's is the first, titled "Hunger Striking"). Summary: Mom died when she was young, dad was strict Catholic, she got down to sixty-something pounds by restricting her eating, and lost feeling in one leg for a while. At the end of the essay she says she was also bulimic for a period of time after getting out of the hospital.
I don't know what the take away from that is. Though it is amazing the level of distorted thinking that can be behind conventional wisdom. Maybe The Hairpin can be a clarion of reason in the fog (that metaphor sorta works, right?).

dham

Maybe the takeaway is: it's better to be thin-and-crazy than fat-and-in-public? On the plus side, this renders her "it's easy to lose weight if you're dedicated" argument more convincing!

kbryna

Cherrispryte says it best. so glad someone linked to this so i could LAUGH at this terrible maura kelly woman instead of exploding from rage.

cherrispryte

:)

I stole "I don't owe you beauty" from Lesley at Fatshionista, it's one of my most favorite phrases in the history of forever.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

You know, I can't even respond to this with anger. Myself and my adorable spare tire just want to give her a hug.

T-riffic

I think maybe a child wrote this article. Like, those "diet and exercise" tips sound like something a child would say. Right?

TrilbyLane

Is it possible that it was Maura who upset Rich Santos by being hungry and crazy around him? Because I am imagining them being drawn to one another, like some sort of Large Hadron Collider of stupidity.

Ella Quint

@TrilbyLane - OMG - LMFAO!! Seriously? I just spit a lil' on the screen, I burst out laughing so hard at that one!!

The one shiny beacon of redemption in this miserable woman's hatred is the way it really encourages others to ramp up the virtol and sharpen the swords. At some point this may all come down to a mass of hairpin readers and other folks storming the offices of Marie Claire with pitchforks and torches, demanding the death of the monster(s) inside, a la Frankenstien.

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