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Ask an Abortion Provider

Hello! I am a person who is training to become an abortion provider. As you can imagine, it is really fucking weird to be one of me, especially lately! I think maybe you have some questions?

The Audrey Hepburn Makeover

Everyone wants to look like Audrey.

Men Talk About Going Down On Women

“My first experience was a catastrophic failure.”

Scandals of Classic Hollywood: Ingrid Bergman, Instrument of Evil

Ingrid Bergman endured a scandal that was larger, and had more profound effects, than Tiger Woods’ and Tom Cruise’s scandals combined.

Not Like Most Girls

I’m not like most girls. I don’t care about being beautiful. I mean, I am super beautiful. Like, magazine beautiful. But I don’t care about that.

A Lady’s Guide to Anti-Aging Cream

Here’s a list of some ingredients that actually make a difference and some that are total BS.

A Proposal Regarding Proposals

Marriage proposals are strange, deeply mysterious, and more a matter of faith than anything else. And maybe a proposal should be thought of like a religious conversion?

15 Cats That Are Leaning In

You go, cats!

A Chronological List of Things Men Said to Me After I Told Them I Had Herpes

When I was diagnosed with herpes on my 23rd birthday (happy birthday to me!), I was devastated and thought no one would ever want to have sex with me or date me ever again. Six years later, here is a chronological list of what each of the people I’ve dated have had to say when I told them.

Scandals of Classic Hollywood: Warren Beatty Thinks This Song Is About Him

He had a point.

Things I’ve Replaced With Olive or Jojoba Oil

You know, for health.

Merrill Markoe, Patron Saint of Women in TV Comedy Writing

“I have always felt like an outsider. I still do. I really am intrigued by fringe group thinking, even though I think I am for the most part even a fringe group outsider. When I invent characters, I enjoy adding odd details. I definitely have a big contrarian, anti-authoritarian streak, though I talk to myself about this tendency a lot and try to keep it from allowing me to play well with others. It can actually get in the way of free will. So I don’t want to be that kind of person. “

Signs You’ll Never Read in Your Office’s Communal Kitchen

“This half-and-half is for everyone. Take as much as you need, I can always buy more.”

Ask a Clean Person: Get Rid of Your Cats

Your cat cleaning questions answered.

Scandals of Classic Hollywood: Rock Hudson, Hollywood’s Most Eligible Bachelor

When Rock Hudson admitted that he had AIDS in 1984, he made it unequivocally clear that his entire image was a lie. And that those who’d believed it — fallen for it, worshipped it, used it as a model against which all male prospects would be judged — had been duped.

How to Upstage Your Friends at Their Weddings, I Mean, How to Make a Wedding Cake

Everyone is getting married except for you. You are the proverbial always-bridesmaid-never-bride. It just doesn’t happen for everyone, you know? Some people don’t ever find true love. (You, I mean, in particular. You won’t ever find true love.)

But, even though there’s no chance of your having a special day of your own, there is a foolproof way for you to upstage all your friends at their weddings: make the wedding cake.

You Are Not Liz Lemon, You Are Not Friends With Liz Lemon

None of us can identify with Tina Fey. We’re not Tina Fey, most of us aren’t even Liz Lemon. No one can possibly know what it takes to be Tina Fey, or what people want from Tina Fey every day, or what it’s like to be Tina Fey in any aspect of her life.

Beauty Q&A: Freeboobing and Cute Pajamas

Here’s my philosophy: only freeboob for a reason — to create a certain silhouette, because straps would ruin the look, because you’re trying to get laid, etc. Never freeboob out of laziness — you can leave that to the 23-year-olds. When you try on clothes that might work without a bra, look in the mirror and think, “but would I feel better about this if I were Bianca Jagger?”

How to Actually Stretch Too-Small Shoes

Oh, you’ve gone and done it again. You bought a way cute pair of shoes that make your feet look a half-size smaller … because they ARE a half-size smaller. But they’ll stretch when you wear them, right?

The Best Time I Met Vincent D’Onofrio

Vincent D’Onofrio was, for a lot of this time, sitting in a chair on the stage which is very tall because he is kind of a giant. He was wearing scruffy black jeans, old sneakers, and a black collared shirt, which, because of the way he was sitting, was popped open a little in the place that reveals a person’s bellybutton and my mind strayed a minute to wondering about if there is and if so how much lint might be in there, and maybe harvesting it, maybe, I was just sort of thinking that for a pleasant moment and tuning out just for a second when Vincent D’Onofrio stood up and planted himself on the stage two feet away and said, “So I was taught to lead with my dick.”